The Venture Bros. Quotes
Dr. Venture: If I knew you could just call the cops on him, I would have done it years ago! Because I'm no sissy, no sir. I would just pick up that phone and... "Officer, there's a man in a butterfly suit shooting my robot with a laser beam."
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Brock: The police keep out of the way of the Guild for the most part. Who do you think supplied them with new cruisers last year?
Dr. Venture: My tax dollars, for one.
Dean: Santa Claus, for two.
Dr. Venture: My tax dollars, for one.
Dean: Santa Claus, for two.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Phantom Limb: Control, delay order. We've lost full containment. I repeat, delay order.
Watch: Copy on delay. We are on standby.
Ward: Knew it.
Watch: I thought you went to the can.
Ward: I did. I'm back.
Watch: That was, like, ten seconds ago. What, are you pissing in the corner?
Watch: Copy on delay. We are on standby.
Ward: Knew it.
Watch: I thought you went to the can.
Ward: I did. I'm back.
Watch: That was, like, ten seconds ago. What, are you pissing in the corner?
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(Hank and Dean are saying 'Mech-Shiva' repeatedly in the background)
The Monarch: Wait a minute! That's insane! They're total liars. I kept my mouth shut when Dean said he could read Sanskrit, and when Hank said he wanted a piece of him, I was like 'Fine. Whatever.', but Mecha-Shiva? No way! They are so lying, I'm innocent!
The Monarch: Wait a minute! That's insane! They're total liars. I kept my mouth shut when Dean said he could read Sanskrit, and when Hank said he wanted a piece of him, I was like 'Fine. Whatever.', but Mecha-Shiva? No way! They are so lying, I'm innocent!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Monarch: Well, Hank, what's it like to be a... liar. Huh? You like being a liar with pants constantly on fire?
Tiny Attorney: Objection, your honor, leading.
The Monarch: I'll rephrase that: Hank, are you a liar?
Hank: No sir, I don't think so.
The Monarch: Yes you are!
Dean: You're the liar!
The Monarch: And may I remind you, that I am rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.
Tiny Attorney: Objection, your honor, leading.
The Monarch: I'll rephrase that: Hank, are you a liar?
Hank: No sir, I don't think so.
The Monarch: Yes you are!
Dean: You're the liar!
The Monarch: And may I remind you, that I am rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Orpheus: How sweet, a Bible. Well, if you don't mind sir, I have book of my own for this little ritual.
(he pulls out the Necronomicon. Dr. Venture slaps himself on the head)
Dr. Orpheus: Keep your fingers clear of its mouth, he's a nibbler.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you ... whoever.
Dr. Orpheus: I SWEAR IT!
Tiny Attorney: Dr. Orpheus, could you tell the court what it is that you do? You're a type of magician?
Dr. Venture: Oooo, they have no idea what they're in for.
Dr. Orpheus: Well, if you must call me that, yes. But if you are after mere parlor tricks you will be sorely disappointed, for if I reach behind your ear, it will not be a nickel I pull out, BUT YOUR VERY SOUL!
Dr. Venture: (imitating a lounge singer) Good night ladies and gentlemen, you've been a great crowd.
(he pulls out the Necronomicon. Dr. Venture slaps himself on the head)
Dr. Orpheus: Keep your fingers clear of its mouth, he's a nibbler.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you ... whoever.
Dr. Orpheus: I SWEAR IT!
Tiny Attorney: Dr. Orpheus, could you tell the court what it is that you do? You're a type of magician?
Dr. Venture: Oooo, they have no idea what they're in for.
Dr. Orpheus: Well, if you must call me that, yes. But if you are after mere parlor tricks you will be sorely disappointed, for if I reach behind your ear, it will not be a nickel I pull out, BUT YOUR VERY SOUL!
Dr. Venture: (imitating a lounge singer) Good night ladies and gentlemen, you've been a great crowd.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Hank(To Dean, while lying on the floor, bleeding) I cut my tongue on my mask.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Judge: You're on thin ice here, but do you get off the ice? Hell no, you jump up and down like a lunatic having a..a conniption fit. Now if it was up to me, you'd have been in chains an hour ago. But this is a trial by jury and it's up to your peers...
The Monarch: Peers?
Judge: (cont'd) ...to decide this.
The Monarch: PEERS?! How dare you! That repulsive display of humanity out there? NO WAY! A list of my peers would read as follows: Flying Squid and Tigeriffic; Truckules; Lord Mostly-Magic; King Fantastic Outfit; Fee Waybill of the Tubes; SuicideGirl Teagan; Bill "Superfoot" Wallace; Happy-Go-Clucky and Swiss Misstery; Chaka Igloo; and my 8th grade earth science teacher Mr. Tringe! Oh... and BizarroOscar Wilde as an alternate.
The Monarch: Peers?
Judge: (cont'd) ...to decide this.
The Monarch: PEERS?! How dare you! That repulsive display of humanity out there? NO WAY! A list of my peers would read as follows: Flying Squid and Tigeriffic; Truckules; Lord Mostly-Magic; King Fantastic Outfit; Fee Waybill of the Tubes; SuicideGirl Teagan; Bill "Superfoot" Wallace; Happy-Go-Clucky and Swiss Misstery; Chaka Igloo; and my 8th grade earth science teacher Mr. Tringe! Oh... and BizarroOscar Wilde as an alternate.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Monarch: This all started soon after 'The Flight of the Monarch' was published. A mean little tell-all-book filled with nothing but lies and pictures of also lies.
(flashback to The Monarch's floating cocoon)
The Monarch: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!
#24: A book?
The Monarch: No, but you would think it was right? You can read it like a book, here I'll show you: (reading) '...riffling through his pockets for change, the Monarch accidentally launches a sodium-pentathol tipped dart deep into his own thigh. Upon hearing a girlish symphony of shrill wails, a waitress comes to his aid...'
#24: Told you!
#21: You told me he wouldn't find out.
#24: You're such a dick! You put his face on the cover!
The Monarch: (still reading) 'there she was subjected to a lecture concerning her weight problem and the evils of over... plucking her eyebrows.' Oh, it's almost exactly like a book. There's even some pictures, here's one of me at Danceteria making out with Stiv Bators and Lydia Lunch. (closes book) But this is not a book, this is a suicide note. Good news! The euthanasia will be carried out by me. The author has twenty minutes to seek my aid before I just KILL all of you. You'll find me in my room... crying!
(flashback to The Monarch's floating cocoon)
The Monarch: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!
#24: A book?
The Monarch: No, but you would think it was right? You can read it like a book, here I'll show you: (reading) '...riffling through his pockets for change, the Monarch accidentally launches a sodium-pentathol tipped dart deep into his own thigh. Upon hearing a girlish symphony of shrill wails, a waitress comes to his aid...'
#24: Told you!
#21: You told me he wouldn't find out.
#24: You're such a dick! You put his face on the cover!
The Monarch: (still reading) 'there she was subjected to a lecture concerning her weight problem and the evils of over... plucking her eyebrows.' Oh, it's almost exactly like a book. There's even some pictures, here's one of me at Danceteria making out with Stiv Bators and Lydia Lunch. (closes book) But this is not a book, this is a suicide note. Good news! The euthanasia will be carried out by me. The author has twenty minutes to seek my aid before I just KILL all of you. You'll find me in my room... crying!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Girlfriend: (examining her old outfit during a flashback) What are these hard chunks?
Phantom Limb: (momentarily panicked, then smoothly recovering) My... tears.
The Monarch: (back in the courtroom, present day) Tears?? You have to be kidding me! You know that sick deformed slob was... (shudders) You know he was pounding his invisible meat all over...
Dr. Venture: That's it! Objection! Your honor, I have children listening to this potty talk!
Judge: Sustained. I want that last bit stricken from the record. (under his breath) And my mind.
Phantom Limb: (momentarily panicked, then smoothly recovering) My... tears.
The Monarch: (back in the courtroom, present day) Tears?? You have to be kidding me! You know that sick deformed slob was... (shudders) You know he was pounding his invisible meat all over...
Dr. Venture: That's it! Objection! Your honor, I have children listening to this potty talk!
Judge: Sustained. I want that last bit stricken from the record. (under his breath) And my mind.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Monarch: Okay, then who haven't you slept with? I'm sure that's a shorter list.
Dr. Girlfriend: Oh you are insane!
The Monarch: I'm insane? I'm insane?! Look at these! There's a picture of you in Monstroso's lap.
Dr. Girlfriend: That was a party. Look at his lap, it's huge. There's, like, five of us on it.
The Monarch: Yeah, right. And here's one of you skinny-dipping with Jim Foetus!
Dr. Girlfriend: Let me see that, I don't remember...
The Monarch: And there's a whole collage of you and Phantom Limb!
Dr. Girlfriend: All right, fine! I used to work for him, so what?
The Monarch: Holy crap! (holds book sideways, unraveling a fold-out) Look at your costume! What, did Frank Frazetta design it for you?! It's tiny! I can see your...dirty pillows!
Dr. Girlfriend: I am leaving! If you can't calm down, I'm leaving.
The Monarch: You can't leave, I'm throwing you out! Get out of my cocoon, you WHORE!!!
Dr. Girlfriend: Oh you are insane!
The Monarch: I'm insane? I'm insane?! Look at these! There's a picture of you in Monstroso's lap.
Dr. Girlfriend: That was a party. Look at his lap, it's huge. There's, like, five of us on it.
The Monarch: Yeah, right. And here's one of you skinny-dipping with Jim Foetus!
Dr. Girlfriend: Let me see that, I don't remember...
The Monarch: And there's a whole collage of you and Phantom Limb!
Dr. Girlfriend: All right, fine! I used to work for him, so what?
The Monarch: Holy crap! (holds book sideways, unraveling a fold-out) Look at your costume! What, did Frank Frazetta design it for you?! It's tiny! I can see your...dirty pillows!
Dr. Girlfriend: I am leaving! If you can't calm down, I'm leaving.
The Monarch: You can't leave, I'm throwing you out! Get out of my cocoon, you WHORE!!!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Brock: Something big is going down. This place is crawling with Strangers.
Hank: You can't expect to know everybody.
Brock: No, Hank. Strangers are undercover Guild operatives.
Dean: We gotta warn Pop!
Brock: No, Dean, this is Guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild work is clean, professional. It's surgical with them. In a way they're the only organization I still respect.
Hank: And they kill clean, don't let dames get in the way.
Brock: Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read.
Dean: It's weird, right?
Brock: It's like he channels dead crazy people.
Hank: You think it's a cry for help?
Hank: You can't expect to know everybody.
Brock: No, Hank. Strangers are undercover Guild operatives.
Dean: We gotta warn Pop!
Brock: No, Dean, this is Guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild work is clean, professional. It's surgical with them. In a way they're the only organization I still respect.
Hank: And they kill clean, don't let dames get in the way.
Brock: Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read.
Dean: It's weird, right?
Brock: It's like he channels dead crazy people.
Hank: You think it's a cry for help?
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Tiny Attorney: So. Mind readin'. Fascinatin'. Could you read the mind of, for instance, the Monarch?
Dr. Orpheus: If it would please the court...
The Monarch: Objection1 No way!
Judge: Th-th-th-this is most unorthodox.
Dr. Venture: Unorthodox? The defendant's in a crown for God's sake!
Tiny Attorney: I myself am growing from the torso of an inbred simpleton.
Dr. Orpheus: If it would please the court...
The Monarch: Objection1 No way!
Judge: Th-th-th-this is most unorthodox.
Dr. Venture: Unorthodox? The defendant's in a crown for God's sake!
Tiny Attorney: I myself am growing from the torso of an inbred simpleton.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Orpheus: Hug me!
The Monarch: Fine. Whatever gets you off, man. Just don't go for the reach-around, because The Monarch doesn't swing that way.
The Monarch: Fine. Whatever gets you off, man. Just don't go for the reach-around, because The Monarch doesn't swing that way.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Monarch: (drunkenly addressing a big, muscular cop in a tight uniform) Look, Officer Poncherello... the second in command just left me. So why don't you put your fat Tom of Finland ass back on your big gay bike and go home?? This is none of your beeswax!!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Hank: Dude, what is your damage?
Dean: I saw something! I think this place is... haunted!
Hank: Aw, you're just being superstitious.
Dean: I am not! Just extra-stitious.
Dean: I saw something! I think this place is... haunted!
Hank: Aw, you're just being superstitious.
Dean: I am not! Just extra-stitious.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture is rushed to the hospital to have a tumor removed, but the boys mistake his ailment for a pregnancy and decide to run away. After the operation, strange things begin to happen, including the accidental deaths of Hank and Dean Venture.
The Monarch: Look, you two, I'm dying in here. Have you heard anything from Dr. Girlfriend?
#21: We've been calling her every hour, and we keep getting her machine.
The Monarch: Did you try the cellular phone?
#24: Yeah, we followed your instructions to the letter. It's just that...
The Monarch: Have you destroyed the giant cocoon headquarters?
#21: Not yet.
The Monarch: Have you sent the charred remains of Wonderboy to his beloved Captain Sunshine?
#21: Yes.
The Monarch: Rewound and returned the director's cut of Working Girl?
#24: We tried, but..
The Monarch: Unleashed the herpes-smeared sexbots upon the traitorous members of the Guild?
#21: Yep.
The Monarch: Filled Phantom Limb's garage with clingy, static-charged Stryrofoam packing peanuts?
#24: No.
The Monarch: Sent apology letters to each of my sponsored Ugandan foster children?
#21: Check!
The Monarch: Have you... KILLED THE VENTURE BROTHERS?!
The Monarch: Look, you two, I'm dying in here. Have you heard anything from Dr. Girlfriend?
#21: We've been calling her every hour, and we keep getting her machine.
The Monarch: Did you try the cellular phone?
#24: Yeah, we followed your instructions to the letter. It's just that...
The Monarch: Have you destroyed the giant cocoon headquarters?
#21: Not yet.
The Monarch: Have you sent the charred remains of Wonderboy to his beloved Captain Sunshine?
#21: Yes.
The Monarch: Rewound and returned the director's cut of Working Girl?
#24: We tried, but..
The Monarch: Unleashed the herpes-smeared sexbots upon the traitorous members of the Guild?
#21: Yep.
The Monarch: Filled Phantom Limb's garage with clingy, static-charged Stryrofoam packing peanuts?
#24: No.
The Monarch: Sent apology letters to each of my sponsored Ugandan foster children?
#21: Check!
The Monarch: Have you... KILLED THE VENTURE BROTHERS?!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dean: I'll be sleeping in a room right next to Triana. And then she'll hear, like, thunder or something, and she'll run into my room all scared and stuff. And I'll be like, "Hush, my darling. It's just ionized air molecules expanding." And she'll be like, "Oh, hold me." And then I'll, like...
Hank: Dude! If we stay here, that means that we'll be Dr. Orpheus's kids. And that means Triana will be your sister. And that means you two will have extra-retard babies.
Hank: Dude! If we stay here, that means that we'll be Dr. Orpheus's kids. And that means Triana will be your sister. And that means you two will have extra-retard babies.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Orpheus: Pumpkin, get me my cloak!
Triana Orpheus: Why don't you wear the ...
Dr. Orpheus: Alright fine. GET ME MY BLUE WINDBREAKER!
Triana Orpheus: Why don't you wear the ...
Dr. Orpheus: Alright fine. GET ME MY BLUE WINDBREAKER!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Waitress: What can I get you?
Dr. Orpheus: Well, you see, I made this purchase of a homeboy from your vending machine.
Dr. Orpheus: Well, you see, I made this purchase of a homeboy from your vending machine.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Orpheus: Consider this your final warning. You do not know the risk you are taking. For a whisper from my lips could open your mind to a world of arcane tortures!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Monarch: You're probably wondering why you're here, YOUR HERE BECAUSE YOU DONE FUCKED UP TOO MANY TIMES! You think you're hot shit in a champagne glass, but you're really cold diarrhea in a dixie cup! And if you keep like you've been doin', this is where heading.
Random Guy: (snickering)
The Monarch: Oh, that's funny to you right? Cause you so fuckin bad? I know your type. You think, "I'll just get me a costume and rip off the neighborhood kids." Next thing you know you've got a jet shaped like a skull with lasers on the front.
Random Guy: This is totally gay.
The Monarch: What?! You think this is gay, huh? Is that what you fucking said, you scrawny piece of shit? Oh, this isn't gay! But King Gorilla over there is, and I'll bet he can't wait to break off a piece of your dick in his ass! (King Gorilla makes kissing lips)
Random Guy: (snickering)
The Monarch: Oh, that's funny to you right? Cause you so fuckin bad? I know your type. You think, "I'll just get me a costume and rip off the neighborhood kids." Next thing you know you've got a jet shaped like a skull with lasers on the front.
Random Guy: This is totally gay.
The Monarch: What?! You think this is gay, huh? Is that what you fucking said, you scrawny piece of shit? Oh, this isn't gay! But King Gorilla over there is, and I'll bet he can't wait to break off a piece of your dick in his ass! (King Gorilla makes kissing lips)
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dean: Dean Ven...
The Monarch: YOUR NAME IS BITCH! And I own you. YOU'RE PROPERTY! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame - King Gorilla, you got a cigarette? There, I just sold you for a cigarette, and I don't smoke! (pause) Holy shit, you're Dean fucking Venture! King, I gotta buy my bitch back, here's your cigarette.
King Gorilla: Fuck you, gimme a dollar!
The Monarch: YOUR NAME IS BITCH! And I own you. YOU'RE PROPERTY! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame - King Gorilla, you got a cigarette? There, I just sold you for a cigarette, and I don't smoke! (pause) Holy shit, you're Dean fucking Venture! King, I gotta buy my bitch back, here's your cigarette.
King Gorilla: Fuck you, gimme a dollar!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Monarch: What the fuck are you boys doing in the big house?
Dean: Well, our dad had a baby, so we ran away.
Hank: And then we got arrested for not speeding enough.
The Monarch: You shouldn't even be alive!
Dean: Huh?
The Monarch: I put out a hit on you. Super sorry. But, you know, I'm in mother-fucking prison here. My life is fucked.
Dean: Well, our dad had a baby, so we ran away.
Hank: And then we got arrested for not speeding enough.
The Monarch: You shouldn't even be alive!
Dean: Huh?
The Monarch: I put out a hit on you. Super sorry. But, you know, I'm in mother-fucking prison here. My life is fucked.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Monarch: You boys don't wanna end up in here, this place is full of fucking animals. (Hank opens his mouth) I don't mean King Gorilla, Hank. I mean this place will chew you up and spit you out. (Hank opens his mouth again) No, I'm not talking about Mecha-Mouth, Hank.
Dean: (sighs) This was a big mistake.
The Monarch: Fuckin'-A right! This is all wrong, you boys are the fucking Venture brothers. You've had your little adventure, now go the hell home.
Hank: Fuck that shit!
Dean: Hank Venture! What is wrong with you!? You're changing into an extra-bad person! Do you even know how many baby angels you just killed by saying that?!
Hank: Oh by glory! You're right! What's happening to us? We searched for freedom, and it landed us in jail.
Dean: I bet dad's worried sick. And Brock. He loves ya, Hank, I just know it.
The Monarch: Oh, this is just gay. Look, I gotta get back to yelling at regular kids, alright?
Dean: (sighs) This was a big mistake.
The Monarch: Fuckin'-A right! This is all wrong, you boys are the fucking Venture brothers. You've had your little adventure, now go the hell home.
Hank: Fuck that shit!
Dean: Hank Venture! What is wrong with you!? You're changing into an extra-bad person! Do you even know how many baby angels you just killed by saying that?!
Hank: Oh by glory! You're right! What's happening to us? We searched for freedom, and it landed us in jail.
Dean: I bet dad's worried sick. And Brock. He loves ya, Hank, I just know it.
The Monarch: Oh, this is just gay. Look, I gotta get back to yelling at regular kids, alright?
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: What else do you want? Do you want Dean? You could have Dean. He could carry you on his back, like Master Blaster.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(after the boys have been shot to death)
Dr. Venture: All right... get their clothes.
Dr. Venture: All right... get their clothes.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Doctor: Sorry sir, medical personnel only beyond this point.
Brock: I go where he goes.
Doctor: Oh... you must be his "partner" then?
Brock: Not really, it's more like I work for him...WAIT A MINUTE - NO!!
Brock: I go where he goes.
Doctor: Oh... you must be his "partner" then?
Brock: Not really, it's more like I work for him...WAIT A MINUTE - NO!!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: What would I do without you, Brock?
Brock: (nonchalantly) You'd be dead.
Brock: (nonchalantly) You'd be dead.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
E.R. Doctor: Well I have good news...
Dr. Venture: Oh, thank...
E.R. Doctor: And bad news.
Dr. Venture: YOU SON OF A BITCH!! (relaxes) Okay fine! Hit me with it, don't soft soap me. Give it to me straight, I can take it.
E.R. Doctor: The good news is the operation was a success. We were able to remove the entire tumor from your midsection.
Dr. Venture: (to Brock as if comforting him) See, you big worry wart?
Brock: What's the bad news?
E.R. Doctor: I... ah geez... This is very hard.
Dr. Venture: Oh god. It's the big C, isn't it? (to Brock) You did this to me! All that second hand smoke!! You should be the one in this bed, mister!!!
E.R. Doctor: No no no, Dr. Venture! The tumor was benign, it's just that... well... (clears throat) We cannot find it.
Dr. Venture: What do you mean you can't find it?
E.R. Doctor: Well, we took it out, and i don't know. When I finished sewing you up, I turned around and it was just gone!
Dr. Venture: (sarcastically) Gone. Well, I want a second opinion! Oh, wait, I'm a doctor! I can give myself one! You suck, and I'm leaving!
Dr. Venture: Oh, thank...
E.R. Doctor: And bad news.
Dr. Venture: YOU SON OF A BITCH!! (relaxes) Okay fine! Hit me with it, don't soft soap me. Give it to me straight, I can take it.
E.R. Doctor: The good news is the operation was a success. We were able to remove the entire tumor from your midsection.
Dr. Venture: (to Brock as if comforting him) See, you big worry wart?
Brock: What's the bad news?
E.R. Doctor: I... ah geez... This is very hard.
Dr. Venture: Oh god. It's the big C, isn't it? (to Brock) You did this to me! All that second hand smoke!! You should be the one in this bed, mister!!!
E.R. Doctor: No no no, Dr. Venture! The tumor was benign, it's just that... well... (clears throat) We cannot find it.
Dr. Venture: What do you mean you can't find it?
E.R. Doctor: Well, we took it out, and i don't know. When I finished sewing you up, I turned around and it was just gone!
Dr. Venture: (sarcastically) Gone. Well, I want a second opinion! Oh, wait, I'm a doctor! I can give myself one! You suck, and I'm leaving!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.