The Venture Bros. Quotes
Hank: Guess what? I had sex! Ta daa! What was it like? Okay.. its kinda like naked skydiving into a mountain of warm whip cream! Yes that good!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Alchemist: Relax, I just wanna talk to you.
Dermott: I didn't steal those games. They're defective, so they are just being thrown out.
The Alchemist: I'm not Mall Security.
Dermott: So who are you?
Hank: He's works with me. He's The Alchemist, seeker of truth.
Dermott: You're the super-hero guy and you're hanging out with Hank?
The Alchemist: Look, pudgy mac-talk-alot, I just got dumped by my lover who then tossed me out on my jobless ass, so I had to move in with my boring team member who lives in the burb’s and doesn’t do squat. And I just told you too much, didn’t I?
Dermott: Ugh dude, no shit.
Dermott: I didn't steal those games. They're defective, so they are just being thrown out.
The Alchemist: I'm not Mall Security.
Dermott: So who are you?
Hank: He's works with me. He's The Alchemist, seeker of truth.
Dermott: You're the super-hero guy and you're hanging out with Hank?
The Alchemist: Look, pudgy mac-talk-alot, I just got dumped by my lover who then tossed me out on my jobless ass, so I had to move in with my boring team member who lives in the burb’s and doesn’t do squat. And I just told you too much, didn’t I?
Dermott: Ugh dude, no shit.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Brown Widow: Shh, I understand; you can't talk. You need help, just blink twice if he's your pimp.
Dean: No, what? No, he's my dad.
Dean: No, what? No, he's my dad.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Alternate Dimension Dr. Venture: Keep to your own dimension from now on.
Dr. Venture: Fine. I don't even like your dimension, anyway. It's an asshole dimension. How do you like that?
Alternate Dimension Dr. Venture: Oh, nice potty mouth in front of the boys! Look, you're the Dean of this dimension, right? Explain to the untalented Mr. Ripley here he can't just waltz into my dimension and try to kill me with a rock and replace me just because I happen to have more hair, more money and a hit play on Broadway!
Dr. Venture: Fine. I don't even like your dimension, anyway. It's an asshole dimension. How do you like that?
Alternate Dimension Dr. Venture: Oh, nice potty mouth in front of the boys! Look, you're the Dean of this dimension, right? Explain to the untalented Mr. Ripley here he can't just waltz into my dimension and try to kill me with a rock and replace me just because I happen to have more hair, more money and a hit play on Broadway!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[After the Brown Widow saves Dr. Venture from the runaway cab]
Brown Widow: End of the line, sir. Please remember to take all your personal belongings and be sure to tip your driver. [Chuckle]
Dr. Venture: What, this is funny to you, I just almost got killed. Get the hell outta my way. I’m gonna miss the overture.
Brown Widow: Fucking tourist.
Brown Widow: End of the line, sir. Please remember to take all your personal belongings and be sure to tip your driver. [Chuckle]
Dr. Venture: What, this is funny to you, I just almost got killed. Get the hell outta my way. I’m gonna miss the overture.
Brown Widow: Fucking tourist.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Phantom Limb: Now, gentleman, before we start reviewing potential candidates, you need to keep one thing in mind: SPAWM.
Baron Ünderbheit: That awful comic book!
Prof. Impossible: Oh, and that movie? What was Martin Sheen thinking?
Phantom Limb: Not SPAWN, S-P-A-W-M.
Baron Ünderbheit: That awful comic book!
Prof. Impossible: Oh, and that movie? What was Martin Sheen thinking?
Phantom Limb: Not SPAWN, S-P-A-W-M.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[The Revenge Society are surprised to see Dr. Venture]
Prof. Impossible: Great Scott, what is he doing here?
Phantom Limb: Well you're the one who was eavesdropping.
Prof. Impossible: He mumbled something about industrial espionage, and then he kept taking about "annie get your gun". You think it’s some type of code?
Baron Ünderbheit: He’s on to us!
Phantom Limb: You'er both being paranoid. Don’t you see what this is? Its opportunity knocking at our door. [Looks at Ünderbheit] Who disfigured you for life, and help Girl Hitler steal your throne? [Looks at Impossible] Who seduced your wife, then passed her off to his brother for sloppy seconds? I’ll tell you who. The very same cretin who allied with his own enemies to thwart me at Cremation Creek, and the battle for the ORB. Gentlemen, The Revenge Society just landed itself its first assignment, kill Dr. Venture!
Prof. Impossible: What, like right now?
Prof. Impossible: Great Scott, what is he doing here?
Phantom Limb: Well you're the one who was eavesdropping.
Prof. Impossible: He mumbled something about industrial espionage, and then he kept taking about "annie get your gun". You think it’s some type of code?
Baron Ünderbheit: He’s on to us!
Phantom Limb: You'er both being paranoid. Don’t you see what this is? Its opportunity knocking at our door. [Looks at Ünderbheit] Who disfigured you for life, and help Girl Hitler steal your throne? [Looks at Impossible] Who seduced your wife, then passed her off to his brother for sloppy seconds? I’ll tell you who. The very same cretin who allied with his own enemies to thwart me at Cremation Creek, and the battle for the ORB. Gentlemen, The Revenge Society just landed itself its first assignment, kill Dr. Venture!
Prof. Impossible: What, like right now?
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Orpheus: [grabbing Dean and Hank's hands] I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Nothing happens] Please?
Brock: Yeah, I'm not sure you had the right...key?
[Cut to Dr. Orpheus holding Dean's hand and a box]
Dr. Orpheus: I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Still nothing] Nope. Maybe I should...
Shore Leave: Wait. Okay, try it with his old headshot, all the awards, the signed picture of Loni Anderson, all the money, the newspaper clippings, the shoebox of old love letters, but without the Rush cassette.
Brock: [removing the tape] Oh, here's your problem—it's a "best of."
Shore Leave: And there's one more thing we haven't tried, [indicating Dean] and it's nothing personal, but...
Dean: [dejectedly stepping aside] I get it.
Dr. Orpheus: Okay, one more time. I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me!
[Orpheus successfully projects, leaving a still white figure]
Brock: I'm sure it was the Rush cassette, Dean.
Brock: Yeah, I'm not sure you had the right...key?
[Cut to Dr. Orpheus holding Dean's hand and a box]
Dr. Orpheus: I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me! [Still nothing] Nope. Maybe I should...
Shore Leave: Wait. Okay, try it with his old headshot, all the awards, the signed picture of Loni Anderson, all the money, the newspaper clippings, the shoebox of old love letters, but without the Rush cassette.
Brock: [removing the tape] Oh, here's your problem—it's a "best of."
Shore Leave: And there's one more thing we haven't tried, [indicating Dean] and it's nothing personal, but...
Dean: [dejectedly stepping aside] I get it.
Dr. Orpheus: Okay, one more time. I am blessed by what he loves most—the key to his soul's lock! Open his mind to me!
[Orpheus successfully projects, leaving a still white figure]
Brock: I'm sure it was the Rush cassette, Dean.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Orpheus: I presume you are the Rusty's Ego?
Ego: You got it. And the little guy's Eros, the jerk who made the Rusty join Match.com.
Eros: He's got to at least try to get some loving.
Ego: And the one with the umbrella is Thanatos, the jerk who made the Rusty quit Match.com.
Thanatos: Hey, many of these women could be murderous gold diggers, or, at the very least, carriers of chlamydia.
Ego: You got it. And the little guy's Eros, the jerk who made the Rusty join Match.com.
Eros: He's got to at least try to get some loving.
Ego: And the one with the umbrella is Thanatos, the jerk who made the Rusty quit Match.com.
Thanatos: Hey, many of these women could be murderous gold diggers, or, at the very least, carriers of chlamydia.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Hank: Are you okay? Dr. O said probably insane now and that you'll never be the same.
Dr. Venture: Are you kidding? Okay, I'm just turning 16 and having a birthday pool party. My father invites every girl he knows, and I'm not talking about girls my age. No, not Jonas. He invites Playboy Bunnies and models and, I think, actual whores—you know, real prostitutes. So there I am in my giant bathing suit with nervous puberty oozing out of my gigantic pores. Just—just awful. So, the band suddenly stops playing and I hear "and now the man of the hour, Rusty Venture!" All eyes on me, right? Then suddenly, almost predictably, the Action Man shoots my groin with a shrink ray right as that fucking jackass Colonel Gentleman pulls my shorts down.
Hank: Wow. That's like a nightmare.
Dr. Venture: Oh, no! No! What I went through today was "like a nightmare." What happened when I was 16, that is my life.
Dr. Venture: Are you kidding? Okay, I'm just turning 16 and having a birthday pool party. My father invites every girl he knows, and I'm not talking about girls my age. No, not Jonas. He invites Playboy Bunnies and models and, I think, actual whores—you know, real prostitutes. So there I am in my giant bathing suit with nervous puberty oozing out of my gigantic pores. Just—just awful. So, the band suddenly stops playing and I hear "and now the man of the hour, Rusty Venture!" All eyes on me, right? Then suddenly, almost predictably, the Action Man shoots my groin with a shrink ray right as that fucking jackass Colonel Gentleman pulls my shorts down.
Hank: Wow. That's like a nightmare.
Dr. Venture: Oh, no! No! What I went through today was "like a nightmare." What happened when I was 16, that is my life.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Orpheus: Do you feel that?
Eros: Thank you, yes. And it hurts because I always say nice things about him. But he's always putting me down in front of the other guy...
Dr. Orpheus: No, that rumble. What is that rumble?
Thanatos: [Echo voice]Leviathan. He is why men murder. He is why men made war. The beast within us all. We are doomed.
Eros: Eerie, isn't he?
Thanatos: Oh crap, get outta the way.
[Zombie corpses of Hank & Dean walks by]
Eros: I hate those things. There all over the place in here. They chew on stuff and get poop on everything.
Dr. Orpheus: They are his dead son's. Forever haunting his subconscious mind.
Thanatos: [Echo voice] Leviathan draws near. Death is at hand. We cannot outrun the beast.
Eros: He gets that way around death. It's like he's in a Creed video. Why don't we go in one of these doors.
Thanatos: OK. Yeah that's cool.
Eros: Thank you, yes. And it hurts because I always say nice things about him. But he's always putting me down in front of the other guy...
Dr. Orpheus: No, that rumble. What is that rumble?
Thanatos: [Echo voice]Leviathan. He is why men murder. He is why men made war. The beast within us all. We are doomed.
Eros: Eerie, isn't he?
Thanatos: Oh crap, get outta the way.
[Zombie corpses of Hank & Dean walks by]
Eros: I hate those things. There all over the place in here. They chew on stuff and get poop on everything.
Dr. Orpheus: They are his dead son's. Forever haunting his subconscious mind.
Thanatos: [Echo voice] Leviathan draws near. Death is at hand. We cannot outrun the beast.
Eros: He gets that way around death. It's like he's in a Creed video. Why don't we go in one of these doors.
Thanatos: OK. Yeah that's cool.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Pete White: I have a check here for $50,000 for whoever helps me rescue Billy from vampires.
Brock: We're not mercenaries, White. We handle the guys that nobody else wants to deal with.
Pete White: Well, that's perfect, because nobody else wants to deal with me.
Brock: Yeah, you're not getting it. Hunter, why don't you explain what we do here at SPHINX.
Shore Leave: SPHINX!
Col. Gathers: It works like this—if someone points a gun at you, you call the police. If a bunch of guys are pointing guns at you, you call SWAT. If they're in spandex and pointing a super laser at you, you call OSI. And if they're dressed regular and pointing a super laser at your daughter, that's when you call SPHINX.
Shore Leave: SPHINX!
Col. Gathers: So explain to me why we'd give a squirt about your roomie being abducted by vampires.
Pete White: We're talking about Billy here! You guys owe him. You did the...you know.
Col. Gathers: Spit it out, White! This is SPHINX!
Shore Leave: SPHINX.
Col. Gathers: We have no secrets here. When men live and work together, it's imperative that there are no secrets. I miss my breasts! Inside of me, there's a woman screaming to be heard.
Mile High: I hit a dog with my car last week, but told the owner I found him like that.
Brock: I once jerked off twelve times in one day just to see if I could.
SPHINX Agent: I had an erotic dream about Henry Rollins last night, and I'm straight as an arrow.
Shore Leave: Remember that smell I told you was the garbage? That was my ass. I had chicken tandoori for lunch.
Brock: We're not mercenaries, White. We handle the guys that nobody else wants to deal with.
Pete White: Well, that's perfect, because nobody else wants to deal with me.
Brock: Yeah, you're not getting it. Hunter, why don't you explain what we do here at SPHINX.
Shore Leave: SPHINX!
Col. Gathers: It works like this—if someone points a gun at you, you call the police. If a bunch of guys are pointing guns at you, you call SWAT. If they're in spandex and pointing a super laser at you, you call OSI. And if they're dressed regular and pointing a super laser at your daughter, that's when you call SPHINX.
Shore Leave: SPHINX!
Col. Gathers: So explain to me why we'd give a squirt about your roomie being abducted by vampires.
Pete White: We're talking about Billy here! You guys owe him. You did the...you know.
Col. Gathers: Spit it out, White! This is SPHINX!
Shore Leave: SPHINX.
Col. Gathers: We have no secrets here. When men live and work together, it's imperative that there are no secrets. I miss my breasts! Inside of me, there's a woman screaming to be heard.
Mile High: I hit a dog with my car last week, but told the owner I found him like that.
Brock: I once jerked off twelve times in one day just to see if I could.
SPHINX Agent: I had an erotic dream about Henry Rollins last night, and I'm straight as an arrow.
Shore Leave: Remember that smell I told you was the garbage? That was my ass. I had chicken tandoori for lunch.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Captain: Let's SET SAIL! (long pause)
Brock: Well...what are we waiting for?
Captain: We have to SET the SAIL! Like you guy's have to help me put it up!
Brock: Well...what are we waiting for?
Captain: We have to SET the SAIL! Like you guy's have to help me put it up!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Col. Gathers: [regarding the ship] What do you call her?
Captain: I call her Manny's Song.
Brock: Who's Manny?
Captain: Me first love. She left me for a bloke named Craig, who just slept with her and tossed her away. Haven't seen her since then. I heard she was with some go-nowhere mechanic named Jay.
Brock: Sad. Does she know how you feel?
Shore Leave: Um, no, she doesn't because that's all from a TV show. Captain Cuckoo here named his boat after Manny Santos on Degrassi.
Captain: You're a liar!
Shore Leave: I can't believe they killed J.T.
Captain: I know! And they hardly talk about it, like after Terri bashed her skull on that rock.
Shore Leave: Yeah, I'm the liar, me.
Captain: I call her Manny's Song.
Brock: Who's Manny?
Captain: Me first love. She left me for a bloke named Craig, who just slept with her and tossed her away. Haven't seen her since then. I heard she was with some go-nowhere mechanic named Jay.
Brock: Sad. Does she know how you feel?
Shore Leave: Um, no, she doesn't because that's all from a TV show. Captain Cuckoo here named his boat after Manny Santos on Degrassi.
Captain: You're a liar!
Shore Leave: I can't believe they killed J.T.
Captain: I know! And they hardly talk about it, like after Terri bashed her skull on that rock.
Shore Leave: Yeah, I'm the liar, me.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Blond Dracula Bride: Where do you want us to bite you?
Master Billy Quizboy: I don't want to be bitten. Can you just do the sucking part and not the biting part?
Master Billy Quizboy: I don't want to be bitten. Can you just do the sucking part and not the biting part?
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Pete White: He's not my best friend. I just work with him.
Sgt. Hatred: And live with him and do everything with him. That's best friends.
Pete White: Maybe. But I always thought of Rusty as my best friend.
Sgt. Hatred: What?! You know what, White. You are a starfucker. Yeah, you have the greatest friend in the world, and because he's not famous, you don't care. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Pete White: Rusty and I went to school together. We were inseparable.
Sgt. Hatred: Starfucker.
Sgt. Hatred: And live with him and do everything with him. That's best friends.
Pete White: Maybe. But I always thought of Rusty as my best friend.
Sgt. Hatred: What?! You know what, White. You are a starfucker. Yeah, you have the greatest friend in the world, and because he's not famous, you don't care. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Pete White: Rusty and I went to school together. We were inseparable.
Sgt. Hatred: Starfucker.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Billy Quizboy: [as Dr. Venture makes a call] Oh, man. This is just wrong, Rusty.
Dr. Venture: Did you have a date to your prom?
Billy Quizboy: I was a boy genius. I was the only 12-year-old at my prom, so my date was my mother.
Dr. Venture: Mine was worse. My prom date was to have been Miss Linda Lovelace.
Billy Quizboy: Deep Throat Linda Lovelace?
Dr. Venture: The same. She, of course, by that time was a vocal anti-pornography advocate—thanks, Dad—and sent her friend Andrea Dworkin as her proxy.
Billy Quizboy: Was she hot?
Dr. Venture: Google "Andrea Dworkin" on an empty stomach one day. [Into phone] Oh, hello? Yes, I'd like six of your finest whores please. Fine, escorts. Yes, I think I'll go for full service. Sure, I'll hold. [To Billy] Anyway, because my dad brought, like, ten Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders as his date, he didn't care that my date was a huge, angry, "way smarter than a 16-year-old me" woman who called me "little half man."
Billy Quizboy: Better than having your mom as your date.
Dr. Venture: It got worse, no shit. I ended up slow-dancing with H.E.L.P.eR. H.E.L.P.eR.
Dr. Venture: Did you have a date to your prom?
Billy Quizboy: I was a boy genius. I was the only 12-year-old at my prom, so my date was my mother.
Dr. Venture: Mine was worse. My prom date was to have been Miss Linda Lovelace.
Billy Quizboy: Deep Throat Linda Lovelace?
Dr. Venture: The same. She, of course, by that time was a vocal anti-pornography advocate—thanks, Dad—and sent her friend Andrea Dworkin as her proxy.
Billy Quizboy: Was she hot?
Dr. Venture: Google "Andrea Dworkin" on an empty stomach one day. [Into phone] Oh, hello? Yes, I'd like six of your finest whores please. Fine, escorts. Yes, I think I'll go for full service. Sure, I'll hold. [To Billy] Anyway, because my dad brought, like, ten Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders as his date, he didn't care that my date was a huge, angry, "way smarter than a 16-year-old me" woman who called me "little half man."
Billy Quizboy: Better than having your mom as your date.
Dr. Venture: It got worse, no shit. I ended up slow-dancing with H.E.L.P.eR. H.E.L.P.eR.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Alchemist: Rust, you do realize that a "rusty venture" is when you take your finger and run it around a guy's asshole while you pull the guy off into his own face.
Dr. Venture: What?! My name is a sex act?! When did that happen?!
Shore Leave: Uh, like in the 80s, and Al is way off. A rusty venture is when you 69 and fill each other's mouths with cum; then you turn over and blow splooge into each other's cracks.
Dr. Venture: Good lord! How can that be named after me?! What does that have to do with me?
Shore Leave: Oh, don't play coy. Your cartoon was huge in the gay community. We used to throw Rusty Venture parties in the Castro, and we'd all wear little striped tops and tight little shorts.
Alchemist: How could you not know this? Man, you're like a little twinkie Cher. A ginger friggin' Liza Minnelli.
Dr. Venture: No. I missed this. I don't 69 guys and do that spinning thing.
Alchemist: That's not a Rusty Venture. That's a Snake Venom.
Shore Leave: You are misinformed, my darling. [Pulls out cell phone] You want to settle this, maybe make a little wager?
Alchemist: Fine. I'll bet you a Rusty Venture that I'm right.
Dr. Venture: Stop it!
Shore Leave: You are on. I'm going to call an authority on both subjects.
Col. Gentleman: [answering his phone] Hello? Oh, sure. I'm the one who started that craze in P-Town with Tennessee Williams. It's brilliant. What you do is you take a scuba snorkel and put your cock in the wee bendy mouth part. Then you snake the other end right up your back address, okay? Then you just grab the middle of the snorkel and you're fuckin' your own ass and you're pulling off your crank at the self-same time, until you're standin' in your own jacksie! That's a Rusty Venture! [His dog runs off] Mischa! Mischa! Bad girl!
Shore Leave
Dr. Venture: What?! My name is a sex act?! When did that happen?!
Shore Leave: Uh, like in the 80s, and Al is way off. A rusty venture is when you 69 and fill each other's mouths with cum; then you turn over and blow splooge into each other's cracks.
Dr. Venture: Good lord! How can that be named after me?! What does that have to do with me?
Shore Leave: Oh, don't play coy. Your cartoon was huge in the gay community. We used to throw Rusty Venture parties in the Castro, and we'd all wear little striped tops and tight little shorts.
Alchemist: How could you not know this? Man, you're like a little twinkie Cher. A ginger friggin' Liza Minnelli.
Dr. Venture: No. I missed this. I don't 69 guys and do that spinning thing.
Alchemist: That's not a Rusty Venture. That's a Snake Venom.
Shore Leave: You are misinformed, my darling. [Pulls out cell phone] You want to settle this, maybe make a little wager?
Alchemist: Fine. I'll bet you a Rusty Venture that I'm right.
Dr. Venture: Stop it!
Shore Leave: You are on. I'm going to call an authority on both subjects.
Col. Gentleman: [answering his phone] Hello? Oh, sure. I'm the one who started that craze in P-Town with Tennessee Williams. It's brilliant. What you do is you take a scuba snorkel and put your cock in the wee bendy mouth part. Then you snake the other end right up your back address, okay? Then you just grab the middle of the snorkel and you're fuckin' your own ass and you're pulling off your crank at the self-same time, until you're standin' in your own jacksie! That's a Rusty Venture! [His dog runs off] Mischa! Mischa! Bad girl!
Shore Leave
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Col. Gathers: What the hell happened here?
Agent Doe: That's none of your concern, Mister Gathers.
Col. Gathers: That's Colonel Gathers to you, suit!
Agent Cardholder: Oh, yeah? Well, in that case, I'm President Cardholder, and this is my associate, Emperor Doe.
Agent Doe: GOD Emperor Doe!
Agent Doe: That's none of your concern, Mister Gathers.
Col. Gathers: That's Colonel Gathers to you, suit!
Agent Cardholder: Oh, yeah? Well, in that case, I'm President Cardholder, and this is my associate, Emperor Doe.
Agent Doe: GOD Emperor Doe!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Triana: ...and it all just comes pouring out like somebody stepped on a Snack Pack. So after you find the turkey baster, you both eat your way out of the tub. That's what I heard, at least.
Dr. Orpheus: I don't know what goes on at the Outrider's home, but I think I might need to give him a stern what-have-you.
Dr. Orpheus: I don't know what goes on at the Outrider's home, but I think I might need to give him a stern what-have-you.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Col. Gathers: Brando's got us on our bellies and he's reaching for the butter!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Prostitute: I'm gonna give you a Rusty Venture.
Brock: Don't believe the hype. A Rusty Venture is the name for when you jerk off so much, your dick gets all red and sore.
Prostitute: Really?
Brock: Yeah, but I'll...let you give me an Action Johnny.
Brock: Don't believe the hype. A Rusty Venture is the name for when you jerk off so much, your dick gets all red and sore.
Prostitute: Really?
Brock: Yeah, but I'll...let you give me an Action Johnny.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Outrider: You know, a wise man who's either Gurdjieff or Baba Oje once told me, "you can never step into the same river twice."
Dean: That makes no sense, sir.
Outrider: Triana really likes that boy and they're very happy together. And if you truly love her, you should move on and be happy that she's happy. Don't you think?
Dean: You know what I think? Fuck you!
Dean: That makes no sense, sir.
Outrider: Triana really likes that boy and they're very happy together. And if you truly love her, you should move on and be happy that she's happy. Don't you think?
Dean: You know what I think? Fuck you!
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
General Treister: I have the pee-pee cancer, and ther ain’t a thing on Earth anybody can do to fix me. Son, I'm fixing the shuffle of this mortal coil.
[Treister climbs in a torpedo tube]
Col. Gathers: Wait a minute, what the hell are you doing?
General Treister: DO NOT LET GO OF THAT WHEEL BOY! THEY’RE 2000 SOULS ON-BOARD.
Col. Gathers: What about the OSI? You worked your whole life for this place, General. Now you’re just gonna abandon it?
General Treister: Na. From where I sit, it looks like the ol’ gal is in pretty good hands. Took guts to bust out the nest and go off on your own, son. Took balls to... cut your balls. Even without them your got more true grit man-moxy-on-tap than any of these yes-men and bureaucrats been running the place.
Col. Gathers: No, General, I’m not...
General Treister: I’ll do fine.
Col. Gathers: Do not kill yourself you crazy bastard!
General Treister: Ain’t killing myself son. I said there ain't nothing they can do for me on this Earth. But there is one thing might could cure me, ALIEN TECHNOLOGY.
[Treister climbs in a torpedo tube]
Col. Gathers: Wait a minute, what the hell are you doing?
General Treister: DO NOT LET GO OF THAT WHEEL BOY! THEY’RE 2000 SOULS ON-BOARD.
Col. Gathers: What about the OSI? You worked your whole life for this place, General. Now you’re just gonna abandon it?
General Treister: Na. From where I sit, it looks like the ol’ gal is in pretty good hands. Took guts to bust out the nest and go off on your own, son. Took balls to... cut your balls. Even without them your got more true grit man-moxy-on-tap than any of these yes-men and bureaucrats been running the place.
Col. Gathers: No, General, I’m not...
General Treister: I’ll do fine.
Col. Gathers: Do not kill yourself you crazy bastard!
General Treister: Ain’t killing myself son. I said there ain't nothing they can do for me on this Earth. But there is one thing might could cure me, ALIEN TECHNOLOGY.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Sgt. Hatred: Oh come on. Do I really have to get blood on my tux?
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: "Service abandonment of Guild non-execlusionary pact of 1958 paragraph-20 line-17 regarding employers rights to a deserter."
The Monarch: Yeah, here’s all the paperwork. Now step aside.
Sgt. Hatred: I don’t care if you have a note from Santa Claus, you are not getting in.
The Monarch: Ah-ah-ah! I have a little bargaining chip.
[Monarch bring in Princess Tinyfeet tied-up with ball-gag in the mouth]
Sgt. Hatred: Princess Tinyfeet! You untie her this instant.
The Monarch: Ahh, we didn’t tie her up.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: She’s way, way into the bondage thing. You want her back, you better start respecting her very strange needs.
Sgt. Hatred: My little beige-body, is this true?
The Monarch: She insisted that we drive her here in the trunk. She is a freak.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: "Service abandonment of Guild non-execlusionary pact of 1958 paragraph-20 line-17 regarding employers rights to a deserter."
The Monarch: Yeah, here’s all the paperwork. Now step aside.
Sgt. Hatred: I don’t care if you have a note from Santa Claus, you are not getting in.
The Monarch: Ah-ah-ah! I have a little bargaining chip.
[Monarch bring in Princess Tinyfeet tied-up with ball-gag in the mouth]
Sgt. Hatred: Princess Tinyfeet! You untie her this instant.
The Monarch: Ahh, we didn’t tie her up.
Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: She’s way, way into the bondage thing. You want her back, you better start respecting her very strange needs.
Sgt. Hatred: My little beige-body, is this true?
The Monarch: She insisted that we drive her here in the trunk. She is a freak.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dean: What does she see in him?
Dermott: Who, her dad!
Dean: No, that Raven kid. Her boyfriend.
Hank: Oh, lets see now. He’s super handsome, I can say that, he’s got cool hair, cool clothes, and worse of all, he’s a cyborg.
Dean: No, I asked, she said that they’re just crutches.
Hank: Oh, even worse, that means he’s a cripster, dude. He’s rocking a hipster angle and a sympathy angle all-in-one. There’s no way you can compete with that.
Dermott: Who, her dad!
Dean: No, that Raven kid. Her boyfriend.
Hank: Oh, lets see now. He’s super handsome, I can say that, he’s got cool hair, cool clothes, and worse of all, he’s a cyborg.
Dean: No, I asked, she said that they’re just crutches.
Hank: Oh, even worse, that means he’s a cripster, dude. He’s rocking a hipster angle and a sympathy angle all-in-one. There’s no way you can compete with that.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[Molotov & Monstroso inside the limo hanging off a cliff]
Brock: Well well well, here we are again. How long are we gonna keep doing this Mol, till we’re old and gray, huh? Every year we pretend to try to kill each other. You know neither of us actually do it.
Molotov: Speak for yourself, Samson. [Reaches for her gun]
Brock: [Has the gun] Oh, looking for this?
Molotov: Hmm, we seemed to be, as you say, stalemate.
Brock: Not from where I’m sitting. Ah, give it up Mol. You got nowhere to go but down, and you know why? Because you are a bad person. You don’t know the first thing about duty or honor, or friendship, your just a cold-hearted mercenary BITCH. I’m tired spending my life chasing you.
Molotov: What if I told you it wasn’t for money this time. What if I told you that I've... changed! [Remove her chastity belt]
Brock: What, for real’s, or is this another one of your tricks?
Molotov: No Samson, it is the real thing.
[Brock & Molotov draws close to each other for a kiss but she stops]
Molotov: Nyet!
Brock: What! OH FOR GOD... COME ON, YOU SAID YOU’VE CHANGED!
Molotov: You misunderstand, Samson. I am, how you say, taken.
Brock: What, by who?
[Molotov looks at Monstroso (unconscious) in the backseat]
Brock: HIM! OH, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
Molotov: It is like you say, “I’m a bad person”, and so is he. He is also rich, powerful and quite well endowed.
Brock: ARGH, alright, enough.
Brock: Well well well, here we are again. How long are we gonna keep doing this Mol, till we’re old and gray, huh? Every year we pretend to try to kill each other. You know neither of us actually do it.
Molotov: Speak for yourself, Samson. [Reaches for her gun]
Brock: [Has the gun] Oh, looking for this?
Molotov: Hmm, we seemed to be, as you say, stalemate.
Brock: Not from where I’m sitting. Ah, give it up Mol. You got nowhere to go but down, and you know why? Because you are a bad person. You don’t know the first thing about duty or honor, or friendship, your just a cold-hearted mercenary BITCH. I’m tired spending my life chasing you.
Molotov: What if I told you it wasn’t for money this time. What if I told you that I've... changed! [Remove her chastity belt]
Brock: What, for real’s, or is this another one of your tricks?
Molotov: No Samson, it is the real thing.
[Brock & Molotov draws close to each other for a kiss but she stops]
Molotov: Nyet!
Brock: What! OH FOR GOD... COME ON, YOU SAID YOU’VE CHANGED!
Molotov: You misunderstand, Samson. I am, how you say, taken.
Brock: What, by who?
[Molotov looks at Monstroso (unconscious) in the backseat]
Brock: HIM! OH, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!
Molotov: It is like you say, “I’m a bad person”, and so is he. He is also rich, powerful and quite well endowed.
Brock: ARGH, alright, enough.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Monarch: Phew. We almost lost one of our agents. Granted his specialty is pretty limited, but he's an irreplaceable element of my sexy new plan to destroy Dr. Venture!
Dr. Girlfriend: What plan?
The Monarch: Oh... well. It was supposed to be a surprise. For you. For Christmas.
Dr. Girlfriend: Killing your arch-enemy on Christmas Eve, that's a gift for me?
The Monarch: Well, I got you some stocking stuffers too...
Dr. Girlfriend: Unbelievable! The selfishness!
The Monarch: Well you hate him too! Or were you just lying on our first date!?
Dr. Girlfriend: (groan) So, what's the big plan?
The Monarch: Hah! I'm glad you asked! Behold!! (a scale model of the Venture Compound rises from the ground) Tiny Joseph has managed to slip into the Venture Compound and cleverly booby-trap it. At the strike of midnight, Dr. Venture will place his precious porcelain baby Christ in its manger, oh, and when he does, it will set off a series of explosions that will deck his halls with bowels of Venture!
Dr. Girlfriend: (sighs)
The Monarch: What?
Dr. Girlfriend: That model was supposed to be a surprise.
The Monarch: (sheepishly)...I peeked.
Dr. Girlfriend: What plan?
The Monarch: Oh... well. It was supposed to be a surprise. For you. For Christmas.
Dr. Girlfriend: Killing your arch-enemy on Christmas Eve, that's a gift for me?
The Monarch: Well, I got you some stocking stuffers too...
Dr. Girlfriend: Unbelievable! The selfishness!
The Monarch: Well you hate him too! Or were you just lying on our first date!?
Dr. Girlfriend: (groan) So, what's the big plan?
The Monarch: Hah! I'm glad you asked! Behold!! (a scale model of the Venture Compound rises from the ground) Tiny Joseph has managed to slip into the Venture Compound and cleverly booby-trap it. At the strike of midnight, Dr. Venture will place his precious porcelain baby Christ in its manger, oh, and when he does, it will set off a series of explosions that will deck his halls with bowels of Venture!
Dr. Girlfriend: (sighs)
The Monarch: What?
Dr. Girlfriend: That model was supposed to be a surprise.
The Monarch: (sheepishly)...I peeked.
TV Show: The Venture Bros.