The Colbert Report Quotes
Penn Jillette: Which camera's on right now?
Stephen Colbert: I don't know.
Penn Jillette: [looks around] Oh, it's this one right here. There is no Santa Claus! The Easter Bunny is your mother and father! There's no Easter Bunny and no God. Sorry!
Stephen Colbert: Do we have a puppy for Mr. Jillette to punch?
Penn Jillette: I don't like to touch them; I'd like to hit them with a hammer.
Stephen Colbert: Okay, look. The rest of the stuff you can say what you want, it's your audience to lose. But when you start messing with God, you got ME to answer to.
Stephen Colbert: I don't know.
Penn Jillette: [looks around] Oh, it's this one right here. There is no Santa Claus! The Easter Bunny is your mother and father! There's no Easter Bunny and no God. Sorry!
Stephen Colbert: Do we have a puppy for Mr. Jillette to punch?
Penn Jillette: I don't like to touch them; I'd like to hit them with a hammer.
Stephen Colbert: Okay, look. The rest of the stuff you can say what you want, it's your audience to lose. But when you start messing with God, you got ME to answer to.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Look, I just think that Rosa Parks was overrated.
Conan O'Brien: Rosa Parks was overrated? That's-that's madness!
Stephen Colbert: Conan, last time I checked, she got famous by breaking the law.
Conan O'Brien: Breaking the law? She was standing up for a whole race of people. She was a freedom fighter!
Stephen Colbert: Conan, how do I know that there wasn't an old, sick, white man who needed that seat in the front of the bus?
Conan O'Brien: How can you say that?
Stephen Colbert: Conan, I'm gonna keep saying this until Rosa Parks's children apologize for what their mother did to that bus company!
Conan O'Brien: You want Rosa Parks's children to apologize?
Stephen Colbert: Absolutly.
Conan O'Brien: Gah! Okay, I'm sorry. I have no choice. [shoots Stephen in the chest, who then rises up a second later]
Stephen Colbert: [unaffected] Typical East-coast, Ivy League educated response.
Conan O'Brien: [pause] We'll take a break. We'll be right back.
Stephen Colbert: Look, I respect your right to disagree with me. Don't get me wrong.
Conan O'Brien: I shot you very near the heart!
Conan O'Brien: Rosa Parks was overrated? That's-that's madness!
Stephen Colbert: Conan, last time I checked, she got famous by breaking the law.
Conan O'Brien: Breaking the law? She was standing up for a whole race of people. She was a freedom fighter!
Stephen Colbert: Conan, how do I know that there wasn't an old, sick, white man who needed that seat in the front of the bus?
Conan O'Brien: How can you say that?
Stephen Colbert: Conan, I'm gonna keep saying this until Rosa Parks's children apologize for what their mother did to that bus company!
Conan O'Brien: You want Rosa Parks's children to apologize?
Stephen Colbert: Absolutly.
Conan O'Brien: Gah! Okay, I'm sorry. I have no choice. [shoots Stephen in the chest, who then rises up a second later]
Stephen Colbert: [unaffected] Typical East-coast, Ivy League educated response.
Conan O'Brien: [pause] We'll take a break. We'll be right back.
Stephen Colbert: Look, I respect your right to disagree with me. Don't get me wrong.
Conan O'Brien: I shot you very near the heart!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: [Discussing Martin Luther King] Dr King envisioned a day when the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners, could sit down together at the table of brotherhood. For a feast of plently. I believe that day has come. And what I wanna know is... what will we have for dessert? I can't speak for others, but for my own part... I have a dreamsicle. [Holds up a popsicle]
Stephen Colbert: Mr King saw the South sweltering with the heat of oppression! Well, what better way to cool off than with a frozen... tasty confection? I have... a dreamsicle. [Takes a bite out of the popsicle]
Stephen Colbert: He wanted children not to be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character! Just like this dreamsicle! If you judged it souly by it's outer shell, you'd think it was a sorbe. You'd be missing out on all it's inner, creamy contents. [Takes another bite]
Stephen Colbert: I have a dreamsicle! Look at the way the white and the orange are working together, side by side in harmony. [Takes another bite]
Stephen Colbert: Mmm... I really wish you could taste this! If you think of the orange part as white people, and the white part as black people, it's almost as if the two races are holding hands. Because all men are created equal... equally delicious! I have a dreamsicle! [Takes another bite]
Stephen Colbert: And... in his last lines, Dr King envisions every valley exhaulted, every hill made... GOD! [Holds his forehead]
Stephen Colbert: Aggh, brain freeze! Oohhh... ahhh! Oh Jesus, that hurt! Ugh, forget it! Nothing's worth this pain... good night.
Stephen Colbert: Mr King saw the South sweltering with the heat of oppression! Well, what better way to cool off than with a frozen... tasty confection? I have... a dreamsicle. [Takes a bite out of the popsicle]
Stephen Colbert: He wanted children not to be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character! Just like this dreamsicle! If you judged it souly by it's outer shell, you'd think it was a sorbe. You'd be missing out on all it's inner, creamy contents. [Takes another bite]
Stephen Colbert: I have a dreamsicle! Look at the way the white and the orange are working together, side by side in harmony. [Takes another bite]
Stephen Colbert: Mmm... I really wish you could taste this! If you think of the orange part as white people, and the white part as black people, it's almost as if the two races are holding hands. Because all men are created equal... equally delicious! I have a dreamsicle! [Takes another bite]
Stephen Colbert: And... in his last lines, Dr King envisions every valley exhaulted, every hill made... GOD! [Holds his forehead]
Stephen Colbert: Aggh, brain freeze! Oohhh... ahhh! Oh Jesus, that hurt! Ugh, forget it! Nothing's worth this pain... good night.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: [commenting on how James Frey upset Oprah] You can lie all you want, but you upset Oprah! That is *it*! I have no choice but to call a nationwide boycott of James Frey! Not the book... which is fantastic. Everyone should read it. I don't know how he got through half that stuff!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: When you're President Senator Clinton, we'll be able to bring the troops home on flying pigs provided that it's not too cold for them to fly, what with Hell having frozen over! [audience laughs]
Stephen Colbert: Maybe we can hold the parade on "Highly Improbable Day"!
Stephen Colbert: Maybe we can hold the parade on "Highly Improbable Day"!
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Stephen: (4-21-2008) If I learned one thing from the Liberty Bell, it's that Crack is Wack. Stay in school kids. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (4-23-2008) Nation, I'm really under the gun. Seriously, I stashed a pistol under my toupee. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (4-24-2008) The Truth shall set you free! Unless you killed somebody. In which case, tell the cops they were breathing when you left the room. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (4-29-2008) How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Limo. Limo. Limo. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (4-30-2008) Duck, Duck, Duck, Truth. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (5-1-2008) I started my Kentucky Derby party early. I'm full of julep and I got a gun. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (5-5-2008) Happy Cinco de Mayo. Remember, tomorrow is a great day to buy a used Pinata. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (5-6-2008) Shouldn't it be "No we don't have any Bananas?" That's been bugging me for 75 years. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (5-12-2008) The price of stamps rose a penny. Sweet! I just made 20 cents on my pack of forever stamps. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (5-13-2008) You put your left foot in. You take your left foot out. You put your left foot in and you shake it all about. Who knew restless leg syndrome was so much fun? This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (5-14-2008) Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Give him a sub prime fish loan, you're in business buddy. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (5-15-2008) Good things come to those who wait. _______*Long Pause*_______ This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (5-27-2008) We're starting summer hours here. Thank You and Good Night. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (5-28-2008) Tonight's show is brought to you by the number 1 and the letter Meee. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (5-29-2008) Early to bed and early to rise makes you a loser. Let's party all night long. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (6-2-2008) I saw "Sex and the City." Spoiler, she picks the Vivien Westwood dress. *mouths OMG* This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (6-3-2008) Time flies. Especially since I built a clock-a-pult. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (6-4-2008) Today is the first day of the rest of your life and it's already 11: 30. What a waste. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (6-5-2008) I regret that I have but one life to give. I want more lives. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (4-10-2008) At the sound of the tone, the time will be; Tone Time *BOOP* This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (4-16-2008) Pennsylvania Cheer Leaders: *Give me a T* T *Give me a R* R *Give me a U* U *Give me a T* T *Give me a H* H. What does that Spell? (Audience: TRUTH!) Stephen: I KNEW IT! This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (6-9-2008) If you can't beat 'em, report 'em to Homeland Security. They will beat them for you. This is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (6-10-2008) I'm Stephen Colbert, the most trusted name in the name of my show. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report