The Venture Bros. Quotes

Recorded Voice: Please do not be alarmed. We are about to engage... the Nozzle. Please do not move while the Nozzle is engaging. Moving will disrupt calibration of... the Nozzle. Please wait while we calibrate... the Nozzle. Please do not look away from... the Nozzle. The Nozzle is now calibrating. (long pause) The Nozzle is still calibrating. The Nozzle has completed calibration. Thank you.
The Nozzle retracts into the wall, without actually seeming to do anything to Billy, then Brock and Hunter enter the room.
Billy Quizboy: What the Hell was that?
Col. Hunter Gathers: I have no idea...

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Billy: ...You saw what he said, he’s not in the Guild of Calamitous Intent. It’s like a businessman’s club or something.
Gathers: That’s what they said about the Bilderberg Group, son… and then whammo! Berlin Wall comes tumbling down.
Billy: No it hasn’t.
Gathers: Oh, it will, kiddo. It was decided at the last meeting.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Shore Leave: Oh, and Hunter, Wayland Flowers called, and he wants his Madam back. BOOM!
Col. Hunter Gathers: Yeah? Well, the Village People called, AND THEY WANT YOU TO GO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF, YOU PRANCING BASTARD!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
After an insulting encounter with OSI agents in flamboyant costumes, resembling the Village People.
Col. Hunter Gathers: This place has gone to hell in a ham sandwich since they eighty-sixed the dress code.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Brock: Just keep it up, Billy. We're getting some excellent intel out of you!
Billy: What intel? I've been here a day! I haven't done any spying yet!
Col. Gathers: Sure you have! That new eye of yours? It's actually a 3-D laser-matrix holographic camera! (indicating Billy's mechanical hand) And this little pud puller stores all the data!
Billy: You guys wired me?
Col. Gathers: Are you kidding? Why, you're a walking wire! And right now, you need to walk back in there and do you God-given duty! There are no free hands in this business, son!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Prof. Fantomos: (covering when Billy is at the door) I'm...sorry, Sheila, but if I extend the deadline for one student, I'd have to extend it for all of them.
Sheila: Well, thank you anyway, Professor Fantomos.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[Billy finds out that the O.S.I. has been doing his homework for him so he is free to spy.]
Billy: But that's cheating!
Col. Gathers: Cheating is what the spy business is all about, Woyzeck. Why, if we don't keep our eyes on our neighbor's paper, the baddies get the bomb and the whole world goes kablooie! You keep thinking you're here on the G.I. Bill or something, kid? YOU ARE NOT HERE TO WRITE ESSAYS! You're not even in college! You are in the Office of Secret Intelligence, you damn, dirty, crybaby FREAK!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Prof. Fantomas: Ahh! Young Mr. Wayland! Do find a seat quickly, Quizboy. I was trying to teach your more punctual peers.
Billy Quizboy: Sorry Professor... Fantomos. I had trouble finding the building.
Prof. Fantomas: Yes, yes. It’s a great big new world for you! And Mr. Quizboy I heard you were recently exonerated, but allow me to impress one thing upon you, we do not tolerate cheating at State University. The punishment, is severe!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Col. Gathers: Congratulations lad, you’re a fully matriculated student at State University.
Billy Quizboy: I kinda wanted to go to MIT
Col. Gathers: [Rips open his shirt] And I wanted to be born with big, beautiful TITS! [to Brock] Make some lemonade with this, will you?

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Girlfriend: What the hell are you doing?!
The Monarch: I'm pretending I'm Farrah Fawcett making her big comeback. What do you think I'm doing? I'm not gonna sleep in the bed you pleasured Phantom Limb in. I'm burning the bed and—what are these, Little League trophies, and all these self-help books?
Dr. Girlfriend: Well, sell them! Do you have to burn 'em, it's insane!
The Monarch: You know what's insane? The fact that you slept with a guy who read The Secret You want the Secret? Your ex-boyfriend's pathetic. (whispers) Shh, don't tell anyone. Secret.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
#21: Could you sign this, boss? It's for 24, he got knifed by the Moppets.
The Monarch: Which one is 24 again?
#21: What?! You're kidding, right? Let me give a hint: you know how every time you talk to me, there's usually another guy next to me. That's 24.
The Monarch: Right, right, right, the one that sounds like Ray Romano. I like him.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[Sgt. Hatred leaves the Venture Compound after introducing himself and says goodbye by pulling a gun and shooting Dr. Venture.]
Brock: (advancing on Hatred) Hey, hey!!
Sgt. Hatred: Woah, rubber bullets, rubber bullets! Just keepin' it lively! It's not all charts and schedules and...
[Hatred and Brock look down to see Dr. Venture curled up and bleeding profusely.]
Sgt. Hatred: Man, he's a delicate one, isn't he? They don't usually break the skin like that. (into his comlink) Malice Troop!
Malice Troop: Sir?
Sgt. Hatred: Yeah, we got a bleeder here. Eighty-six the non-lethal. We're goin' full Nerf on this one!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
#21: Hey! How ya feelin'?
#24: Like a dwarf stuck a knife in me. How do you think I feel? Didja bring my.... magazines...?
#21: No, but I brought something way better! I got somebody here who came to cheer you up!
#24: (excited) He remembered??
(Dean, wearing a ridiculous Patch Adams costume, enters the room)
Dean Venture: Hey there, glum chum!
#21: (struggling not to laugh) Well, I'll leave you two to catch up!
Dean Venture: Good idea! This area is officially quarantined. Because smiles are contagious!
#24: (tersely, to #21) I HATE you...

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(Sergeant Hatred's guests are playing a party game where they have to guess the celebrity name written on a tag on their back, based on comments from other guests.)
Female Supervillian: You are married to a powerful man...
Dr. Girlfriend: Uh... Mrs. Hulk Hogan?
Female Supervillian: No. Let's see... you are famous for your pink dresses and pillbox hats...
Dr. Girlfriend: Uh... me?
(later)
Tuxedo-wearing Supervillian: I loved you in "Fire Walk With Me," but most know your work from...
Brock: (obviously very bored) Yeah, fine, whatever. (Pulls off his own tag and reads it to the room) I'm Harry Dean Stanton!
(everyone checks their tags)
Dr. Girlfriend: Huh? Who the heck is.... Jack-a-leen Oh-nass-is?

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(The Monarch during Sergeant Hatred's party game)
The Monarch: You're a brainless failure and live entirely off your father's name and fortune!
Dr. Venture: I'm George Bush?
The Monarch: Hardly! I've never never hated anyone as much as you!
Dr. Venture: Oh wait wait. Hitler? Did he have a famous father?
The Monarch: Worse! Washup! You should just admit that you will never amount to anything and drink, poison!
Dr. Venture: Oh is it... uh... Socrates son?
(After Brock ends the game)
Dr. Venture: Ahh of course, Mariah Carey. So close. Seriously, I would have gotten that.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[Everyone is playing Charades. Dr. Venture flaps his arms wildly like a chicken.]
Dr. Girlfriend: Um..."Birdman of Alcatraz!"
The Monarch: "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!"
Dr. Girlfriend: Um...let's see, bird...
The Monarch: We know he's a bird! He's been doing the same thing for five fucking minutes! Okay, my God! Go to the next word! Give me a "sounds like!" YOU'RE KILLING ME!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[#21 and Hank are outside the window of The Monarch's house spying on Kevin & Tim-Tom watching a movie]
Hank: That’s your big problem? Your scared of two little babies?
#21: Dude! Get back, they’ll see you.
Hank: You got me all worked up. You said they had claws!
#21: Get back! Alright, I exaggerated it a little. Did you see what they did to #24? They’re like nasty swearing spider-monkeys with knives.
Hank: Holy smokes! That lady is wearing her birthday suit! I think they’re watching, no-no movies.
#21: They’re not, they’re watching Nell. And that’s my DVD.
Hank: Dude! I think I just saw Shindler's Dingess.
#21: Shhh...

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Monarch: Are you smoking?
Dr. Girlfriend: Who?
The Monarch: You!
Dr. Girlfriend: Why?
The Monarch: What-why? Are you smoking?
Dr. Girlfriend: Maybe…
The Monarch: What?! When did you start smoking?
Dr. Girlfriend: 198-9ish?
The Monarch: So you have been lying! It all makes sense, the filled ash trays, the burning pine scented hair sprays…
Sgt. Hatred: I guess I’ll say it, her three pack a day voice.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
#21: Could you sign this, boss? It’s for 24, he got knifed by the Moppets.
The Monarch: Which one is 24 again?
#21: What?! You’re kidding, right? Let me give a hint: you know how every time you talk to me, there’s usually another guy next to me. That’s 24.
The Monarch: Right, right, right, the one that sounds like Ray Romano. I like him.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Girlfriend: No no no, no apologies necessary. To all fair and love & war.
Dr. Venture: I just assumed that magic we share that night was something that was bigger than the both of us.
Dr. Girlfriend: Nothing happen.
Dr. Venture: Well if it did happen, that was only because I didn’t know who you were.
Dr. Girlfriend: Nothing happen.
Dr. Venture: And not many women have... hit on me because of my fame.
Dr. Girlfriend: Nothing happen.
Dr. Venture: And some just sense the inner-animal, pheromones. Ladies pick up on it.
Dr. Girlfriend: Nothing happen.
Dr. Venture: Are you sensing anything now?... I smell perhaps, meow!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Opening Title Text: Camp size has been estimated based on a survey conducted in 1978. All camps created after cited survey have not been taken into consideration. Rusty's day Camp is a privately owned camp. Therefore any and all children residing on the premises are to be considered trespassers. Rusty's Day Camp holds the right to prosecute any or all trespassers that do not uphold the rules and regulations stipulated in the supplied document entitled "I'm A Good Day Camper".

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: Hey, kids! It's time for adventure - at Rusty's Day Camp for Boy Adventurers! The largest privately-run day camp for budding super-scientists in the area! Learn adventuring from pros like Action Johnny, Master Billy Quizboy, and of course, me - Rusty Venture! Star of the "Rusty Venture" cartoon! Tell Mom you need excitement! Tell Dad you need a cashier's check! And we'll see you there - at Rusty's Day Camp for Boy Adventurers!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: [as the Moppets pass by] Some people just shouldn't breed. Those're some ugly kids.
Brock: Kids? You're kiddin' right? They're achondroplastic dwarves.
Dr. Venture: And they're almost as good as you or I and they deserve this camp as much as any kid here. You're such a racist.
Brock: They're not really a race, doc.
Dr. Venture: Will you listen to yourself, Hitler?

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dr. Venture: Hank! Stop calling me pop! If these kids find out that their hero has had sex their heads will explode!
Hank: But I wanna show my new friend-
Dr. Venture: This isn't all about you, Hank. These kids wanna see Rusty Venture. Maybe when there's a cartoon called 'The Venture Brothers' it'll be different.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Pirate Captain: We can't all be famous adventurers, but that doesn't mean you have to be out of the adventure game all together.
Day Camper: You mean becoming supervillians?
Pirate Captain: Shiver me timbers, no! I'm talkin' about the "rubber mask" set. The Little Guys.
Day Camper: Do we get to wear cool costumes?
Pirate Captain: You betcha do. If you run a museum, you get yourself a glowin' suit of armor. You wanna protect your gold from meddlin' kids? You might try a Ghost-Miner-Forty-Niner. Look at me, I look like Johnny Depp!
[The boys cheer excitedly]
Pirate Captain: Oh, and that's not all. Sometimes you get to hang out with people who were famous once, like Cher and the guy who did the voice for Inspector Gadget.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Dean: How can you say that about Hitler? I love Hitler, and Hitler loves me! He's not so bad - Hitler just needs someone to believe in him! Can't you just give Hitler a chance?

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Sgt. Hatred: Alright, everybody out. I gotta - I gotta wipe.
Dr. Orpheus: Good lord. Have you been using the toilet under there this whole time?
Sgt. Hatred: We are at war with Hitler again! This is how it's done on the front lines, soldier!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
General Treister: Agent Matthew Perry! (pronounces the last name as "Purry")
Professor Impossible: ...I dunno. Hey...my arms feel like they have ants running around my bones. Fascinating...
General Treister: NOT AN ANSWER!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[The Order of the Triad put on a safety sketch...]
Jefferson Twilight: Killin' Blackulas with a sword is cool. But you know what's really cool? Safety!
Dr. Orpheus: The Order of the Triad have many strange and mysterious enemies!
The Alchemist: Enemies...of safety!
Jefferson Twilight: One of our enemies is invisible!
Dr. Orpheus: And he can enter any home through the ground! He's waiting for you right now in the basement!
The Alchemist: His name is Radon! And he will give you lung cancer!
Jefferson Twilight: Lung cancer? But, Al, I don't smoke!
Dr. Orpheus: Of course you don't, Jefferson! Because smoking is more evil than the hoary denizens of the Underworld! And if you did smoke, we'd know it. Because we have a SMOKE DETECTOR in every room!
The Alchemist: With fresh batteries! Remember: if your smoke detector doesn't work, the silence...
All: Could be deadly!
[They bow. As they look up, they notice that all of the children have gone.]
Jefferson Twilight: When did we lose 'em?
Dr. Orpheus: That was my fault. I really hit them with that "radon" part.
The Alchemist: We never get to my song!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Action Johnny: How many you have fathers? Show of hands.
[All of the children, save one, raise their hands.]
Action Johnny: Hey, kid. Why's your hand not up? What, no father? You don't look like Jesus, bro!
Kid: My daddy died. While I was sleeping.
Action Johnny: Oh, well you had a father. So now you're fuckin' free, man! C'mon, I wanna see those hands up! *gasp* Wait a minute. Action Johnny's hand isn't up! Does he not have a father? NO!!! Fathers are loving and caring and protective men, and I don't have one of those! But who cares, man? (breaking down) Who cares, who cares, who cares!? Maybe I did kill the dog! Maybe I was the Lizard Man who stole your precious serum! You loved that serum more than you loved me!! (falling to his knees) FATHER!!!! FATHER!!!!!
[Brock and Dr. Venture watch from a distance.]
Brock: I liked him better when he was strung out. Poor bastard.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.