The Office (U.S. TV series) Quotes
Michael: I learned a while back that if I don't text 911, people will not return my calls. Uhhm, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business; she’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada – I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She’s been waiting for me all these years, she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: This little hellraiser is Angela. She has slept with a bunch of different guys in the office. Right over there [points to Andy] in the orange.
Andy: Hey-oh!
Andy: Hey-oh!
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: Why don't you explain this to me like I'm five.
Oscar: Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.
Michael: Ho-oh!
Oscar: So you have an extra dollar.
Michael: Yeah.
Oscar: So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...
Michael: I'll be six.
Oscar: Your mommy and daddy give you ten dollars to open up a lemonade stand. So you go out and you buy cups and you buy lemons and you buy sugar. And now you find out that it only costs you nine dollars.
Michael: Ho-oh!
Oscar: So you have an extra dollar.
Michael: Yeah.
Oscar: So you can give that dollar back to mommy and daddy, but guess what? Next summer...
Michael: I'll be six.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Andy: What's that smell?
Dwight: You're going to need to be more specific.
Angela: It's manure. Dwight, you need to get the manure out of here.
Dwight: Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.
Angela: You're going to slaughter animals on our wedding day?
Dwight: You want to eat, don't you?
Dwight: You're going to need to be more specific.
Angela: It's manure. Dwight, you need to get the manure out of here.
Dwight: Manure covers up the smell of the slaughterhouse.
Angela: You're going to slaughter animals on our wedding day?
Dwight: You want to eat, don't you?
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Phyllis: Oh I don't think it's blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won't tell everyone that she's cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: As it turns out, you can't just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: My philosophy is basically this. And this is something that I live by. And I always have. And I always will. Don't ever, for any reason, do anything to anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter... where. Or who, or who you are with, or, or where you are going, or... or where you've been... ever. For any reason, whatsoever... [In an interview] Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An Improversation.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: [Having been backed up against a hedge by Andy in his Prius] Get out and face me like a man!
Andy: I AM A MAN! I'm a bigger man than you will ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!
Dwight: You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! All you do is dress fancy and sing. [mockingly] A-la-la-la-la-la-la! What does that mean? You can't even protect her!
Andy: Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot?! When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?
Dwight: Last year, idiot.
Andy: I AM A MAN! I'm a bigger man than you will ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!
Dwight: You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! All you do is dress fancy and sing. [mockingly] A-la-la-la-la-la-la! What does that mean? You can't even protect her!
Andy: Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot?! When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?
Dwight: Last year, idiot.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: Okay, okay, okay. Why don't we just put this to a vote, and then we'll be done with it.
Angela: I'm not voting.
Jim: No one cares.
Angela: I'm not voting.
Jim: No one cares.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: Your heart is a wonderful thing, Michael. But it has made some terrible decisions.
Michael: That is true.
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many, many times.
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: Jan...Ryan.
Michael: That is true.
Dwight: Yes.
Michael: That is true. We have gone down the wrong path many, many times.
Dwight: Yeah.
Michael: Jan...Ryan.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Stanley: Did I want to come back? No, but I don't have enough money to retire and I'm too old to get another job. I feel like I'm working in my casket.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Oscar: I think I'm basically a good person. But I am going to try to make him cry.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
David Wallace: How could you possibly think this was a good idea?
Dwight: Many ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael: Electricity.
Dwight: Shampoo.
Dwight: Many ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael: Electricity.
Dwight: Shampoo.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: [regarding Pam's father] What did he say? Is it my fault?
Pam: Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room. And about how you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that way about my mom, even at their best.
Jim: You okay?
Pam: Yeah. [Cut to talking head] When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.
Pam: Yeah. He said that you told him how much you love me. About how you feel when I walk in a room. And about how you've never doubted for a second that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. I guess he's never felt that way about my mom, even at their best.
Jim: You okay?
Pam: Yeah. [Cut to talking head] When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Pam: I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that al-Qaeda hates me. [pause] I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But, Karen knows me, and she still hates me.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: Actually, when I was seven, my dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome.
Dwight: That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.
Jim: Didn't see that one coming.
Dwight: That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.
Jim: Didn't see that one coming.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Pam: They have new phone systems now that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting, basically 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone. [pauses] Vending machine...
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: It's not a big deal really. I just, you know met somebody, we hardly talked, I picked up her glove so I was hoping I could give it back to her.
Kelly: Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.
Meredith: She could be your soul mate.
Dwight: Oh, not likely. 3 billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.
Kelly: Oh my God, that makes it even more romantic. This is like a modern day Enchanted, it's like a fairy tale.
Meredith: She could be your soul mate.
Dwight: Oh, not likely. 3 billion women on the planet, most of them live in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: Knock, knock.
Michael: Who's there?
Dwight: The KGB.
Michael: The KGB who? [Dwight slaps Michael]
Dwight: VE VILL ASK ZE QVESTIONS!
. . .
Jim: Ding dong.
Michael: Who's there?
Jim: The KGB.
Michael: ...Dwight, get the door.
Dwight: I'm not answering the door.
Michael: Answer the door.
Dwight: I'm not answering it.
Jim: Ding dong.
Dwight: No way, its the KGB.
Jim: Ding dong, ding dong.
Dwight: I'm not gonna answer it.
Jim: [slaps Dwight] Ze KGB vill vait for no vone!!
Dwight: ...It's true.
Michael: Who's there?
Dwight: The KGB.
Michael: The KGB who? [Dwight slaps Michael]
Dwight: VE VILL ASK ZE QVESTIONS!
. . .
Jim: Ding dong.
Michael: Who's there?
Jim: The KGB.
Michael: ...Dwight, get the door.
Dwight: I'm not answering the door.
Michael: Answer the door.
Dwight: I'm not answering it.
Jim: Ding dong.
Dwight: No way, its the KGB.
Jim: Ding dong, ding dong.
Dwight: I'm not gonna answer it.
Jim: [slaps Dwight] Ze KGB vill vait for no vone!!
Dwight: ...It's true.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Kevin: Lynn, I'm just going to say to you everything that I'm thinking.
Lynn: Okay.
Kevin: I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.
Lynn: Okay.
Kevin: Nice. [looks down] Boobs.
Lynn: Okay.
Kevin: I think you have the best smile. I'd like to take you out to dinner and a movie.
Lynn: Okay.
Kevin: Nice. [looks down] Boobs.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Charles: No, it is not.
Michael: No, it is not.
Charles: Okay, so we're on the same page, great.
Michael: Okay, so we're on the same page, great.
Charles: Okay, Michael.
Michael: Okay, Michael.
Charles: No, seriously.
Michael: No, seriously.
Charles: How old are you?
Michael: How old are you?
[cuts to Pam in an interview]
Pam: I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do. The more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.
Michael: No, it is not.
Charles: Okay, so we're on the same page, great.
Michael: Okay, so we're on the same page, great.
Charles: Okay, Michael.
Michael: Okay, Michael.
Charles: No, seriously.
Michael: No, seriously.
Charles: How old are you?
Michael: How old are you?
[cuts to Pam in an interview]
Pam: I can tell Michael's mood by which comedy routine he chooses to do. The more infantile, the more upset he is. And he just skipped the Ace Ventura talking butt thing. He never skips it. This is bad.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Toby: Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know it's not great, but it's something to watch. And then when it's over, you're like, how much time is left on this flight? You know, now what?
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: Stanley!
Stanley: Can't you see I'm urinating?
Michael: Listen, listen, Stanley. You don't need to answer me now.
Stanley: No.
Michael: Just...I want you to think about it. I am starting my own company...
Stanley: No.
Michael: You're not letting me finish and you just lost out on a million dollars.
Stanley: No I didn't.
Stanley: Can't you see I'm urinating?
Michael: Listen, listen, Stanley. You don't need to answer me now.
Stanley: No.
Michael: Just...I want you to think about it. I am starting my own company...
Stanley: No.
Michael: You're not letting me finish and you just lost out on a million dollars.
Stanley: No I didn't.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically...I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to perform in a position like that.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Bowling Alley Employee: [to Ryan] Get back to work, shoe bitch!
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: Listen, when I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed and, I'm assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis. Well, a little bit of blood rushed into mine as well, so where does that leave us?
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)