The Office (U.S. TV series) Quotes
Michael: Today will either be the best or the worst day of my life. Holly gave AJ an ultimatum. He either proposes by New Year's or they break up. Now, if she's engaged, I'm gonna go crazy and I'm gonna start attacking people. If she's not engaged, in all honesty, I may just burn this whole place to the ground out of happiness.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Darryl: You know what you guys should do? Go to the bookstore at lunch. There's tons of cuties and it's easy to talk to them. "Hey, what book is that? Cool, let's hang out tonight. Sex already? Whoa."
[cut to Darryl in interview]
Darryl: My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the bookstore, I can eat my PB&J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl.
[cut to Darryl in interview]
Darryl: My resolution is to read more. And if someone else is driving me to the bookstore, I can eat my PB&J in the car. 2011 is coming up all Darryl.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: I am going to give you a raise.
Pam: Why?
Michael: Because of all the good work you've done.
Pam: I have the lowest sales record of anyone here.
Michael: That's... no, no, it's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude.
Pam: I have the worst attitude of any person here.
Michael: Do you want the raise or what?
Pam: Yeah, I'll take it. [turns to leave]
Michael: Hey, Pam, Pam, with this raise there are strings attached. And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.
Pam: You're bribing me?
Michael: No! No... no, I am not. Unless you want me to. Do you want me to? 'Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying don't... unless I haven't offered you enough. Your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me, face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or—
Pam: I want to hit you.
Michael: What?
Pam: I want to hit you. I'll do that.
Pam: Why?
Michael: Because of all the good work you've done.
Pam: I have the lowest sales record of anyone here.
Michael: That's... no, no, it's not about numbers, Pam. It's about attitude.
Pam: I have the worst attitude of any person here.
Michael: Do you want the raise or what?
Pam: Yeah, I'll take it. [turns to leave]
Michael: Hey, Pam, Pam, with this raise there are strings attached. And the string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude.
Pam: You're bribing me?
Michael: No! No... no, I am not. Unless you want me to. Do you want me to? 'Cause I will. I will bribe you. No. Your face is saying don't... unless I haven't offered you enough. Your face isn't changing. What is it? Talk to me, face. Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. Come on! What do you want? What do you want? Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? Want me to get down on one knee and beg you or—
Pam: I want to hit you.
Michael: What?
Pam: I want to hit you. I'll do that.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: Co-managing is a give and take. You have to pick your battles. One of the battles that I picked was to stop Michael from running plastic tubes all over the office and placing hamsters inside of them. He was going to call it Tube City. So, yes, I do owe him one.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Pam: Bill Bourbon was my uncle. I would have never hurt him any more than I'd hurt a June bug.
Meredith: Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.
Pam: I do not.
Andy: Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.
Kevin: Ooooh, now do the Swedish chef.
Andy: Uh, not familiar. What province is he from?
Kevin: He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.
Meredith: Nice accent. You sound like Forrest Gump.
Pam: I do not.
Andy: Well, you do actually. You've got this kinda like Florida Panhandle thing going, whereas what you really want is more of a Savannah accent, which is more like molasses just sorta spillin' out of your mouth.
Kevin: Ooooh, now do the Swedish chef.
Andy: Uh, not familiar. What province is he from?
Kevin: He lives on Sesame Street, dumbass.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: [in a limo] I wish the windows weren't tinted so people could see us in here.
Andy: Hey guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?
Michael: Definitely.
Dwight: Smells like it.
Michael: Definitely. Look they got pillows. That's bigger than my bed.
Dwight: Word.
Andy: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
[The limo driver raises the divider window]
Andy: Hey guys, do you think anyone might have had sex in here?
Michael: Definitely.
Dwight: Smells like it.
Michael: Definitely. Look they got pillows. That's bigger than my bed.
Dwight: Word.
Andy: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
[The limo driver raises the divider window]
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Alan: There are many things to be optimistic about in Dunder Mifflin's future and one of them is here with us today. Michael Scott, Scranton Branch Manager.
Dwight: Yes!
Alan: In these uncertain times, Michael has managed to maintain steady profits from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael. [little applause] Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape, our new waste pulp re-purposing plant in Milford. [louder, more enthusiastic applause]
Dwight: Yes!
Alan: In these uncertain times, Michael has managed to maintain steady profits from his Scranton branch. We all thank you, Michael. [little applause] Another bright spot in the Dunder Mifflin landscape, our new waste pulp re-purposing plant in Milford. [louder, more enthusiastic applause]
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Pam: Obviously, there's been some kind of mistake, so why doesn't Jim just pick the next highest score on the list and we'll move on.
Andy: That would be...employee #3, which is...son-of-a-bitch! Pam Halpert.
Phyllis: How is that possible? No offense, Pam, but how the hell is that possible?
Dwight: [feigning ignorance] There must be some reasonable explanation for this.
Pam: Oh, wait, come on! I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.
Andy: Oh, really? From what, two to four?
Pam: [in confessional] Yup!
Andy: That would be...employee #3, which is...son-of-a-bitch! Pam Halpert.
Phyllis: How is that possible? No offense, Pam, but how the hell is that possible?
Dwight: [feigning ignorance] There must be some reasonable explanation for this.
Pam: Oh, wait, come on! I didn't miss a day, I came in early, I stayed late, and I doubled my sales last month.
Andy: Oh, really? From what, two to four?
Pam: [in confessional] Yup!
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: I just, I fell in love with these kids. And I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system. So I made 'em a promise: I told them if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I have made some empty promises in my life, but hands down that was the most generous.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: David, guess who I am sitting here dressed as.
David: I'm not going to guess. You can tell me, or I will hang up.
Michael: I will give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
David: Michael...
Michael: I am Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis—a woman—has uslurped my role as Santa.
David: I'm not going to guess. You can tell me, or I will hang up.
Michael: I will give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
David: Michael...
Michael: I am Jesus, David, and you know why? Because Phyllis—a woman—has uslurped my role as Santa.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: [to Michael] You can't yell, "I need this! I need this!" as you pin an employee down on your lap.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And I'm...pretty nervous about it. And I'm...making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star...or any number of drag queens.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Toby: I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie and I DON'T want to tell the truth.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Christian Slater: So you've just been bought by Sabre. You've probably got a lot of questions. Hi, I'm Christian Slater. What's it like to work for Sabre? Let's find out together. Working at Sabre means taking on the challenge of the road that rises to meet you. Sabre is respecting the past, but opening a window to the future. Have you ever tasted a rainbow? At Sabre, you will.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Andy: Hey, any fun weekend plans?
Erin: No, you?
Andy: Uh, no, actually. So nothing? No movies, or parties, or anything you might want to invite someone to?
Erin: Nothing. It's wide open.
Andy: Okay.
[cuts to Andy in an interview]
Andy: That's as hard as I can hint.
Erin: No, you?
Andy: Uh, no, actually. So nothing? No movies, or parties, or anything you might want to invite someone to?
Erin: Nothing. It's wide open.
Andy: Okay.
[cuts to Andy in an interview]
Andy: That's as hard as I can hint.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jo: This is knucklehead talk. I'm not gonna bite it, you know? You can't give me gravy and tell me it's jelly, because gravy ain't sweet! Is it, Jim?
Jim: I don't think so.
Jo: Michael?
Michael: Forget the question.
Jo: I think one of you should return to sales, and the other one be manager.
Michael: I humbly accept the management position.
Jim: Why would you just say something like that?
Michael: Because, well, Jim, where I'm from, two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.
Jim: I don't think so.
Jo: Michael?
Michael: Forget the question.
Jo: I think one of you should return to sales, and the other one be manager.
Michael: I humbly accept the management position.
Jim: Why would you just say something like that?
Michael: Because, well, Jim, where I'm from, two types of folk: those who ain't, and those who are knee-high on a grasshopper. Which type ain't you ain't? Ya'll come back now.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: You know how some people say they're not in it for the money? Well, with all due respect to this job, I'm think I'm definitely in it for the money. And, quite honestly, the women.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Pam: I'm having contractions, but they're irregular and far apart. So I'm not really in labor, I'm near labor.
Jim: Yeah, we're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO.
Pam: If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors.
Jim: Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital will be very nice because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is going to have to take care of it. And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.
Pam: I cannot wait for that joke to be over.
Jim: Yeah, we're slow-playing it because of our stupid HMO.
Pam: If we check in after midnight, I get an extra day to recuperate surrounded by doctors.
Jim: Not to mention the extra night's sleep in the hospital will be very nice because once we bring the baby home, if it's crying all night, one of us is going to have to take care of it. And I do not plan on helping unless it's a boy.
Pam: I cannot wait for that joke to be over.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: Bear my child.
Angela: Excuse me?
Dwight: I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything. [Angela is silent] Very well. Let's meet at 4: 00 pm at our old meeting spot and bang it out.
Angela: Excuse me?
Dwight: I want to have a child for business reasons and I want you to be the mother. If you agree, say nothing. If you disagree, say anything. [Angela is silent] Very well. Let's meet at 4: 00 pm at our old meeting spot and bang it out.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: There she sat. Her name was Pam. She was a receptionist. She was engaged to an animal. There sat Jim. He was a gawky, tall salesman. The odds of them getting together were insur-mountain-able. I made a family! I got these two together and I made a family.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Erin: Did you grow up around here?
Kevin: No.
Erin: So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?
Kevin: Yes.
Kevin: No.
Erin: So, you must have grown up around somewhere else?
Kevin: Yes.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: Kevin, Erin would like a few words with you.
Erin: Hey.
Kevin: Hi.
Erin: I have really enjoyed our time together.
Kevin: Yeah, me too.
Erin: I want to continue working on our friendship.
Kevin: Really, really fun.
Erin: Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.
Kevin: Yeah, me too.
Erin: And, you're my friend.
Kevin: Yeah.
Erin: And I hope that I'm your friend... and maybe...
Kevin: Yeah.
Michael: Oh my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?
Kevin: You said she liked me.
Michael: Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that could never be possible, Kevin. And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.
Erin: Hey.
Kevin: Hi.
Erin: I have really enjoyed our time together.
Kevin: Yeah, me too.
Erin: I want to continue working on our friendship.
Kevin: Really, really fun.
Erin: Because I think our friendship could be a really cool thing.
Kevin: Yeah, me too.
Erin: And, you're my friend.
Kevin: Yeah.
Erin: And I hope that I'm your friend... and maybe...
Kevin: Yeah.
Michael: Oh my God, this is agonizing. Look, Kevin, do you really think that you could have dated Erin?
Kevin: You said she liked me.
Michael: Okay, even if someone told you that, you should know that could never be possible, Kevin. And I'm surprised that you didn't question me in the first place.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: It is St. Patrick's Day, and here in Scranton that is a huge deal. It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: They say that no man is an island. False! I am an island and this island is volcanic. And it is about to erupt. With the molten hot lava of strategy!
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Gabe: Michael, we spent a lot of money on those leads. You have to give them out.
Michael: Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just...imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice cream cone.
Michael: Then we are just rewarding their bad behaviour. Okay. Just...imagine that instead of going to jail for murdering someone, you got an ice cream cone. If that were the case, then in the summertime, everyone would go around killing people for the pleasure of an ice cream cone.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Pam: Hey baby, what's up?
Jim: I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you?
Pam: Nothing but vomit and diapers over here.
Jim: Oh my God, I couldn't envy you more.
Jim: I am currently reading incoherent riddles on blue index cards to find vital information that Michael has hidden all over the office. How are you?
Pam: Nothing but vomit and diapers over here.
Jim: Oh my God, I couldn't envy you more.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
[Isabel watches Dwight play Whack-a-Mole]
Isabel: You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?
Dwight: Whacking moles.
Isabel: You are amazing at this. How did you get so good?
Dwight: Whacking moles.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Hide: In Japan, heart surgeon. Number one. Steady hand. One day, Yakuza boss need new heart. I do operation. But, mistake! Yakuza boss die! Yakuza very mad. I hide in fishing boat, come to America. No english, no food, no money. Darryl give me job. Now I have house, American car, and new woman. Darryl save life. My big secret: I kill yakuza boss on purpose. I good surgeon. The best!
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Erin: And then my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and... I don't know. I couldn't keep up.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: You know what, I resent the implication that I would keep that secret. Everyone here knows that I can't and won't keep a secret.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)