Clerks - The Animated Series Quotes
Dante: What were you thinking, Silas?
Silas: I-I'm s-sorry, Mr. Dante, but they said you wouldn't care because your expectations for a fair deal have been dulled after years spent at this soul-crushing, less-than-minimum-wage hellhole.
Dante: You got me there.
Silas: I-I'm s-sorry, Mr. Dante, but they said you wouldn't care because your expectations for a fair deal have been dulled after years spent at this soul-crushing, less-than-minimum-wage hellhole.
Dante: You got me there.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Leonardo Leonardo: After years abroad and seeing all there is to see in New Jersey; schooled at Eton and Oxford, New Jersey; I am come to stay!
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Random Person: Don't you know?! He has returned!
Randal: Uh, oh.... Jesus?
Randal: Uh, oh.... Jesus?
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
[After Leonardo has just unveiled the newly constructed Leonardo Tower]
Dante: I find it hard to believe that no one noticed that either.
Jay: It looks like a big bong!
[A small dog walks by]
Jay: [pointing at the dog] Hey, that looks like a big bong, too!
Leonardo: For too long, the miserable corner store has been a haven for ludicrous price gouging, and rude, poorly-trained clerks.
Dante: You think he's talking about us?
Randal: No.
Leonardo: With names like 'Dante', and 'Handel'.
Randal: Randal!
Leonardo: Today marks the dawn of a new era. I give you, the people of Leonardo - the future!
[Pulls rope, unveiling another massive building]
[Crowd is silent, except for an isolated cough]
Leonardo: ...It's a new convenience store! Quick-ER Stop!...Eh? Yes?
[Crowd begins cheering]
Dante: This doesn't bode well for us.
Randal: Quicker Stop...I don't get it.
Jay: Now that's the ugliest damn bong I've ever seen!
Dante: I find it hard to believe that no one noticed that either.
Jay: It looks like a big bong!
[A small dog walks by]
Jay: [pointing at the dog] Hey, that looks like a big bong, too!
Leonardo: For too long, the miserable corner store has been a haven for ludicrous price gouging, and rude, poorly-trained clerks.
Dante: You think he's talking about us?
Randal: No.
Leonardo: With names like 'Dante', and 'Handel'.
Randal: Randal!
Leonardo: Today marks the dawn of a new era. I give you, the people of Leonardo - the future!
[Pulls rope, unveiling another massive building]
[Crowd is silent, except for an isolated cough]
Leonardo: ...It's a new convenience store! Quick-ER Stop!...Eh? Yes?
[Crowd begins cheering]
Dante: This doesn't bode well for us.
Randal: Quicker Stop...I don't get it.
Jay: Now that's the ugliest damn bong I've ever seen!
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
[Dante and Randal talking to Leonardo Leonardo regarding his newly built desk.]
Leonardo: What do you think of my desk? I made it myself. And I have all these pieces left.
Dante: It uh…looks great.
Randal: It's a piece of crap. It looks like it was built by a Re-Re.
Dante: What are you doing?!
Leonardo: Ah hah! It does, doesn't it!
Leonardo: What do you think of my desk? I made it myself. And I have all these pieces left.
Dante: It uh…looks great.
Randal: It's a piece of crap. It looks like it was built by a Re-Re.
Dante: What are you doing?!
Leonardo: Ah hah! It does, doesn't it!
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Dante: I hope there are no hard feelings, sir.
Leonardo Leonardo: Well played, clerks. I underestimated you once, but never again. I vow that my vengeance won't be swift or entertaining. I will draw it out over decades in such a subtle fashion that you'll have to wonder whether the misery in your life is either manifest or the machinations of Leonardo Leonardo or . . . a third thing. Good evening.
Leonardo Leonardo: Well played, clerks. I underestimated you once, but never again. I vow that my vengeance won't be swift or entertaining. I will draw it out over decades in such a subtle fashion that you'll have to wonder whether the misery in your life is either manifest or the machinations of Leonardo Leonardo or . . . a third thing. Good evening.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Randal: Good morning.
Dante: It's 11: 59.
Randal: Still technically the morning.
Dante: It's 11: 59.
Randal: Still technically the morning.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Jay: If we had a lightsaber, I could voom-voom, snikt, snikt, snikt, woooaaa Jedi, slice up tubby here, crawl inside him and we could stay warm for the night.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
[Dante and Randal are working in Ye Olde Quick Stoppe in England.]
Customer: Pack of fags.
Randal: You're a fag!
Customer: It's a cigarette, mate.
Randal: I'm not your mate, fag!
[Randal jumps over counter and tackles the customer.]
Dante: It wasn't until years later that we found out what "fag" really means. Right, mate?
Randal: You're a fag!
Dante: N-no, it's a cigarette!
Randal: You're a cigarette!
Customer: Pack of fags.
Randal: You're a fag!
Customer: It's a cigarette, mate.
Randal: I'm not your mate, fag!
[Randal jumps over counter and tackles the customer.]
Dante: It wasn't until years later that we found out what "fag" really means. Right, mate?
Randal: You're a fag!
Dante: N-no, it's a cigarette!
Randal: You're a cigarette!
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Jay: I remember when we were by this metal thing with a knob...
[Jay and Bob unlock door and jump into freezer]
Jay: Snooch to the nooch!
Dante: Of course we remember that, that was five minutes ago.
Jay: Like Deja-frickin'-vu.
Dante: Well, that was pointless.
Jay: Yeah.
[Jay and Bob unlock door and jump into freezer]
Jay: Snooch to the nooch!
Dante: Of course we remember that, that was five minutes ago.
Jay: Like Deja-frickin'-vu.
Dante: Well, that was pointless.
Jay: Yeah.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Randal: Look how scared he is. He's shaking.
Dante: No, he's masturbating.
Randal: Yeah, but it's out of fear.
Dante: No, he's masturbating.
Randal: Yeah, but it's out of fear.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Narrator: Owing to the recent lawsuit by Dustin Hoffman over alleged unofficial use of his likeness, the part of Dustin Hoffman in Randal's mental calculations will be played by... Al Pacino!
Randal: Oh my God, it's happening! Just like in that (AL PACINO) movie!
Randal: Oh my God, it's happening! Just like in that (AL PACINO) movie!
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Major Baklava: Follow me to the Command Center.
Dante: This is just a coffee machine.
Major Baklava: (annoyed) Welcome to the Command Center!.
Dante: This is just a coffee machine.
Major Baklava: (annoyed) Welcome to the Command Center!.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Major Baklava: Okay then. Other than watching you die, there's really nothing else we can do here.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Dante: No, I know there's no virus, because you think there is. Name me one time you've been right about anything.
Randall: What about that time I said "there's two great jobs down at the Block of Stores? Excellent pay, huge opportunities for advancement, we'll do it for six months and then move on"? [Realizes] Oh, my God! You're right, I'm always wrong!
Randall: What about that time I said "there's two great jobs down at the Block of Stores? Excellent pay, huge opportunities for advancement, we'll do it for six months and then move on"? [Realizes] Oh, my God! You're right, I'm always wrong!
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Stealth Bomber Pilot: Now hold on a second there, Dante. Sometimes, it's hard not to be gay.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
[After Dante has saved the town by reluctantly (and fraudulently) admitting that he's gay]
Major Baklava: Way to go, you beautiful gay bastard!
Major Baklava: Way to go, you beautiful gay bastard!
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
[After he and Jay both beat Charles Barkley senseless, a la "The Godfather"]
Silent Bob: WE do the "Science Sez" segments,[points finger angrily at Charles Barkley] GOT IT?
Silent Bob: WE do the "Science Sez" segments,[points finger angrily at Charles Barkley] GOT IT?
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Randal: Show us on the doll where they touched you!
Dante: Nobody touched me.
Randal: Who was it? There's no hiding from your past! Who touched you?
Dante: I hate you.
Dante: Nobody touched me.
Randal: Who was it? There's no hiding from your past! Who touched you?
Dante: I hate you.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
[Randal addresses an all African-American jury of professional basketball players.]
Randal: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Dante Hicks is just like you: he looooves Grape Soda. He knows what it's like when the guy behind the counter won't take your "food stamps." He knows what it's like to wait all month for your "welfare check."
Randal: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Dante Hicks is just like you: he looooves Grape Soda. He knows what it's like when the guy behind the counter won't take your "food stamps." He knows what it's like to wait all month for your "welfare check."
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
[Randal calls Dante at 7: 59 to tell him he can take care of the Quick Stop by himself.]
Dante: [sleepily] Just call if you need anything.
Randal: [on the phone] Oh, like that'll happen.
[Dante hangs up the phone the clock turns to 8: 00. The phone rings. Dante Picks up the phone and hears glass breaking and screaming.]
Dante: Hello?!
Randal: Umm...hello.
Dante: What's all that racket?!
Randal: That's..the..TV.
Angry Guy on phone: I'm gonna burn this place to the ground and pee pee on the ashes!!
Dante[Panicky]: Oh my God, who's that?!
Randal: That...that's Regis.
Angry Guy: Who are you talking to, BOY?!! [more glass breaking] Answer me!!!
Angry Guy 2: Maybe he'll answer to this!
[chainsaw revs up and more screaming is heard]
Dante: Randal!
Randal: Maybe you better get down here.
Dante: [sleepily] Just call if you need anything.
Randal: [on the phone] Oh, like that'll happen.
[Dante hangs up the phone the clock turns to 8: 00. The phone rings. Dante Picks up the phone and hears glass breaking and screaming.]
Dante: Hello?!
Randal: Umm...hello.
Dante: What's all that racket?!
Randal: That's..the..TV.
Angry Guy on phone: I'm gonna burn this place to the ground and pee pee on the ashes!!
Dante[Panicky]: Oh my God, who's that?!
Randal: That...that's Regis.
Angry Guy: Who are you talking to, BOY?!! [more glass breaking] Answer me!!!
Angry Guy 2: Maybe he'll answer to this!
[chainsaw revs up and more screaming is heard]
Dante: Randal!
Randal: Maybe you better get down here.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
[Dante and Leonardo wobble through the school trophy hallway, drunk.]
Dante: Stupid reunion.
Leonardo: Yeah, stupid.
Dante: Look at that trophy. I never won a trophy! And now they don't even remember me! I was the manager!
Leonardo: I was the manager of...
Dante: Stupid team. I'd like to take this trophy and go baseball... Good night.
[Dante passes out and Leonardo follows.]
Dante: Stupid reunion.
Leonardo: Yeah, stupid.
Dante: Look at that trophy. I never won a trophy! And now they don't even remember me! I was the manager!
Leonardo: I was the manager of...
Dante: Stupid team. I'd like to take this trophy and go baseball... Good night.
[Dante passes out and Leonardo follows.]
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Captain: I don't see any manager.
Dante: See? I'm right there, that's my arm. They cropped me out.
Captain: Right.
Dante: What about this picture? It proves I was the team manager.
Dante: See? I'm right there, that's my arm. They cropped me out.
Captain: Right.
Dante: What about this picture? It proves I was the team manager.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Captain: All right! Anyone who was ever remotely connected to the baseball team, there's gonna be a private party in my van. BYOB. But first, let's beat this guy up again for trying to be like us even though he's still different.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Randal: Those rides are put together by junkies and alcholics.
Dante: No they're not.
Alcoholic: Do you guys sell Elmer's Glue and thumbtacks? We're trying to put together a Tilt-A-Whirl.
Junkie: Do you guys sell black tar heroin?
Dante: No, and no.
Alcoholic: Well, rubber bands it is.
Dante: No they're not.
Alcoholic: Do you guys sell Elmer's Glue and thumbtacks? We're trying to put together a Tilt-A-Whirl.
Junkie: Do you guys sell black tar heroin?
Dante: No, and no.
Alcoholic: Well, rubber bands it is.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Dante: I've gotta try Caitlin again. She's gonna think I stood her up!
Randal: Ah, the old "stand 'em up and make 'em think you couldn't care less about 'em". Randal's first rule of dating etiquette.
Dante: You haven't had a date in two years!
Randal: Randal's second rule of dating etiquette.
Randal: Ah, the old "stand 'em up and make 'em think you couldn't care less about 'em". Randal's first rule of dating etiquette.
Dante: You haven't had a date in two years!
Randal: Randal's second rule of dating etiquette.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Dante: What?! Caitlin has a kissing booth? Like for charity?
Jay: Yeah, only it don't cost nothin', and it's not for charity.
[Jay leaves, and comes back in a short time later.]
Jay: And there's no booth.
[Jay leaves and comes back again.]
Jay: And it's more than just kissing.
[Jay leaves and comes back again.]
Jay: And you don't have to be a guy.
[Jay leaves and comes back again.]
Jay: Dude, she's cheating on you.
Jay: Yeah, only it don't cost nothin', and it's not for charity.
[Jay leaves, and comes back in a short time later.]
Jay: And there's no booth.
[Jay leaves and comes back again.]
Jay: And it's more than just kissing.
[Jay leaves and comes back again.]
Jay: And you don't have to be a guy.
[Jay leaves and comes back again.]
Jay: Dude, she's cheating on you.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Jay: No time, man. Me and Silent Bob have an appointment at the gorilla cage. We've come to the conclusion that we need more gorillas in our empty lives.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series
Dante: I told you hating the Golden Girls would result in something like this!
Randal: I regret nothing! Sic semper, Bea Arthur.
Randal: I regret nothing! Sic semper, Bea Arthur.
TV Show: Clerks - The Animated Series