The Office (U.S. TV series) Quotes
Dwight: I bet you get pulled over by the cops a lot because of your race.
Kelly: Well they say it's because of texting, but maybe you're right.
Kelly: Well they say it's because of texting, but maybe you're right.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Creed: You ever notice you can only ooze two things? Sexuality and pus. Man, I tell ya.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: Stop it!
Jim: Stop what?
Dwight: You're talking about me in Morse code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse code. Ha!
Jim: Yeah, that's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.
[cut to Jim and Pam in interview]
Jim: Yup. That's exactly what we did.
Jim: Stop what?
Dwight: You're talking about me in Morse code. Well, you know what? Joke's on you 'cause I know Morse code. Ha!
Jim: Yeah, that's what we're doing. In our very limited free time and with our very limited budget, we went and got a nanny and then we went out and took a class on a very outmoded and very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you.
[cut to Jim and Pam in interview]
Jim: Yup. That's exactly what we did.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: All cases are solved with logic. The only logical way to find out if Donna is a cheater is to seduce her, bring her to orgasm, then call Michael and tell him the sad news.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: I like Donna. Is it wrong to keep seeing her? Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband...or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Meredith: That is something I would never do.
Michael: Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.
Meredith: Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.
[cut to Meredith in interview]
Meredith: I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?"
Michael: Well, I think we all know what you're capable of Meredith.
Meredith: Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on, or been used to cheat with.
[cut to Meredith in interview]
Meredith: I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?"
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jo: When Mama was working as a prison guard and something went missing, she'd ask one question: "What do we do when we find the guilty party?" And if they said, "Come down on him with that swift hammer of justice", innocent. A clear conscience don't need no mercy. But if they said, "Officer Bessie, well they may have had a reason, blah blah blah blah", well, nine times out of ten, that's the anus they'd check.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Nick: I saw all your hard drives and guess what? [gestures to Ryan] You're not a photographer. [gestures to Kelly] And you definitely can't fit into a size two. Darryl, man, you're on Facebook. Why you been telling people you're not on Facebook? People want to be your friend, man! Alright? And you. [points to Andy] This guy, you're the one who told the press. You wrote an e-mail to the editor. I saw it, and I also saw a QuickTime movie of your little printer fire test on your hard drive. This guy's the snitch, he's the snitch. So that's it. Check it out. [gives everyone the finger and leaves]
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: Having Luke here is a pretty big deal for me, because his mother - who also happens to be my half-sister - kind of cut me off from that side of the family 15 years ago...14. The last time I saw Luke was the opening day of "Ace Ventura II" and that was '95, so yes, 15 years on the dot. Anyway, I lost him in a forest.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Phyllis: I'm glad Michael's getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he's stupid.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: Thank you, doctor. Take two of these [flips Toby off with both middle fingers] and call me in the morning.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Andy: Women cannot resist a man singing show tunes. It's so powerful, even a lot of men can't resist a man singing show tunes.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: All that singing got in the way of some perfectly good murders.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Holly: Michael, I have been dating A.J. for a year and a half now. You do this, you know.
Michael: Do what?
Holly: You romanticize things.
Michael: I don't romanticize th...No...
Holly: Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up.
Michael: "He had no arms or legs. He couldn't hear, see, or speak. This is how he led a nation."
Michael: Do what?
Holly: You romanticize things.
Michael: I don't romanticize th...No...
Holly: Michael, you cried at that tagline for a movie you made up.
Michael: "He had no arms or legs. He couldn't hear, see, or speak. This is how he led a nation."
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Andy: Okay, in that case, I will now show you how to put this condom on...using this pencil. What?
Oscar: Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?
Andy: Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.
Meredith: Come on, give it a rest, pencil dick.
Oscar: Why would you choose a pencil, Andy?
Andy: Well, I'm not gonna use my penis, Oscar! It's not exactly hard right now anyway.
Meredith: Come on, give it a rest, pencil dick.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Pam: Nothing happened. We went on a couple of dates. He never called me again.
Jim: What? He never called you? I thought you said it just fizzled.
Pam: That's fizzling. I mean, someone has to start the fizzle.
Jim: Yeah, I thought you started it.
Pam: No, I liked him. For a couple of days. Four years ago. You know I have a kid with you, right?
Jim: What? He never called you? I thought you said it just fizzled.
Pam: That's fizzling. I mean, someone has to start the fizzle.
Jim: Yeah, I thought you started it.
Pam: No, I liked him. For a couple of days. Four years ago. You know I have a kid with you, right?
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: This morning, Danny Cordray stole a sale from me. So what do I do? I go out and I steal Danny Cordray. The sale that mattered, I made. Boom. Funny thing about it, we don't even need him. We already have Packer on the road. Guh! Crap, I forgot about Packer...
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: If I was the real Scranton Strangler, you'd be so strangled right now. If you're out there, strangler, you will get caught! By me.
Jim: Sounds like someone's really trying to convince us that he's not the Scranton Strangler.
Dwight: To my chickens I'm the Scranton Strangler.
Jim: Sounds like someone's really trying to convince us that he's not the Scranton Strangler.
Dwight: To my chickens I'm the Scranton Strangler.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: Darryl Philbin is the greatest guy in the world. And you know what I'd like? I would like to have all the racists brought together and take Darryl Philbin out to lunch. Just to see what they're missing.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Stanley: This is not the meal I was promised. I'm going to have no energy for the rest of the day.
Kevin: I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this?
Michael: You know what, guys? Let's just enjoy lunch.
Kevin: With what? How? Sometimes, Michael, sometimes...
Kevin: I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this?
Michael: You know what, guys? Let's just enjoy lunch.
Kevin: With what? How? Sometimes, Michael, sometimes...
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Toby: [looking up at the church ceiling] Why you always got to be so mean to me?
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Andy: Why does Erin like Gabe?
Darryl: Andy, look, all I know is that if I was a girl, and I had to choose between the tall dude who loved Asia, and the you looking dude who loves sweaters and wearing sweaters...I'd choose you.
Andy: That's really nice. Thank you.
Darryl: And I'd blow your mind.
Darryl: Andy, look, all I know is that if I was a girl, and I had to choose between the tall dude who loved Asia, and the you looking dude who loves sweaters and wearing sweaters...I'd choose you.
Andy: That's really nice. Thank you.
Darryl: And I'd blow your mind.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Michael: If you break that girl's heart, I will kill you. It's just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl's heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Stanley: Yes, I have a dream, and it's not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there's a button that I can press and launch that lighthouse into space.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Gabe: When you're dealing with a large organization, sometimes you have to put up with policies you don't like. I wish my gym didn't allow full nudity in the locker room, okay, so these old guys are walking around naked. Feels almost passive-agressive. But I deal with it, because it's policy. See what I mean?
Jim: Nope.
Gabe: Nudity makes me uncomfortable.
Jim: Okay.
Gabe: My gym allows it. I wish they didn't, but it's policy. So I respect it and I just...look away. Think about your commission cap as a naked old man in a gym locker room.
Jim: Nope.
Gabe: Nudity makes me uncomfortable.
Jim: Okay.
Gabe: My gym allows it. I wish they didn't, but it's policy. So I respect it and I just...look away. Think about your commission cap as a naked old man in a gym locker room.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Dwight: Owning a building is a war between the landlord and the tenant. Not a literal war, unfortunately, but I am using the same tactics. I've surrounded the enemy and I'm slowly starving them. To save on electricity, I've installed a timer and motion sensors on the lights. It's part of my green initiative. And by green, I mean money.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Jim: Around here, Oscar is known as "Actually" because he will insert himself into just about any conversation to add facts or correct grammar. He really does fit that old stereotype of the smug gay Mexican.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Erin: Who's Holly, guys?
Michael: That is a good question, Erin. How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover, and was a complicated part of my past, and maybe - just maybe - a part of my future?
Michael: That is a good question, Erin. How do you describe somebody who is at the same time an old friend, and was a lover, and was a complicated part of my past, and maybe - just maybe - a part of my future?
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)
Andy: I don't have kids or anything, but if my grandmother ever dies, I'm going to kill myself.
TV Show: The Office (U.S. TV series)