The L Word Quotes

Shane: [to Bette who has answered the door in her bathrobe] Hi, were you sleeping?
Bette: Not exactly.
Alice: Yeah, we tried to call but no one answered.
Bette: So the logical conclusion was just to come over?
Alice: No, uh, it's an emergency, y'know, started as a gaydar thing, Shane and I are totally capable of handling that, but this one has major relationship stuff.
Bette: Uh-huh.
Shane: Yeah, I think at this point she needs expert advice.
Dana: [Looking very sheepish and pitiful] I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry.
Bette: [smiling] It's okay Dana. We were finished.
Dana: [realizing what Bette means] Oh my God...

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Shane: [realizing that they are in Tina and Bette's bedroom right after Tina's been inseminated] Wait. So, we could be here at the moment of conception.
Bette: [smiling] You could. Yes.
Shane: Well then, I'm really sorry. Would you like us to leave?
Bette: [smiling] That would be too late.

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Alice: [Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay] All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck.
Bette: Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she [gestures with hand] moves that chopping knife.
Shane: Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip.
Alice: Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention.
Tina: Yeah, but you guys, she's got 9 in the lez column and she only has 7 in the straight.
Alice: Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus 5 percentage points.
Bette: You know what we have to do.
[They all look at Shane who looks back warily]

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Dana: [Having walked into the country club kitchen looking for Lara and finding her] Hey...
Lara: [looking up, seeing Dana gets a huge smile on her face] Hey!
[Continues to look at Dana, and cuts her thumb]
Lara: Ow!
Dana: [freaking out] Oh, my god! Oh! oh, my god, I'm sorry, I...
Lara: It's okay...
Dana: [still freaking out] Ah, Jesus, you're disfigured!
Lara: [smiling and calm] I'm not disfigured.
Dana: [panicked] But I could've killed you! When you were [makes chopping motion] ... you know...
Lara: [still smiling] It happens all the time.
Dana: Well, should we call a doctor?
Lara: [giggling] Dana!
[holds up hand, counting off fingers]
Lara: Second-degree burn from the bechamel sauce. Run-away shish-kabob. An attack from a particularly hostile live lobster, and, um, electric can-opener.
Dana: [blushing] Is there anything I can do?
Lara: [holding up thumb] You could kiss it and make it better.
Dana: [blushing then looking serious] Um. I was wondering if maybe sometime...
Lara: I would love to.
Dana: Really?
[Lara smiles and nods]
Dana: Okay! Is Thursday night okay?
Lara: Thursday night is great.
Dana: Where do you wanna go?
Lara: Anywhere you're going.
Dana: Yeah, but you're a food person. So, I want to take you someplace really good. Like L'Orangerie.
Lara: No, no, no, that's way too expensive.
Dana: I know. I'll take care of it.
Lara: We're not starting out that way. Um... there's - there's this little place in Koreatown that I've been dying to check out.
Dana: Do

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'Bette: [to Alice about her thing with Gabby who treats her like crap] It has to end.
Tina: But seriously, Alice, you can't let Gabby continue to treat you this way.
Alice: You guys don't know her. I know it looks like she's treating me like shit, but... it's... she's just, y'know....
Tina: Treating you like shit, Al.
Alice: Maybe, it's just...
Bette: No. It's just you deserve better.
Alice: I do?
[everyone makes a face]
Alice: Alright, I do. But... I just feel like at times, she's, like, so right there, and I feel like we connect and then, all of a sudden, she acts like I don't even exist.
Tina: That's because she's an emotional cripple.
Bette: Yeah. Emotional cripple slash narcissistic personality disorder.
Tina: And the next time she calls you? You have to end it.
Alice: I know. It's just...
Bette: [firmly] It's just nothing.
Tina: What are you gonna do?
Alice: Well, I was gonna ask her...
Bette: No asking.
Tina: What are you gonna tell her?
[Alice laughs]
Tina: You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way."
Bette: [continuing] "It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love."
Tina: "And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you."
Bette: "So step off, bitch!"
[Dana and Alice crack up, Bette gets up to answer her phone]
Tina: Do it.

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[Jenny is writing. Scenes from the party are intercut with a hallucination of her English professor as Abraxas]
Jenny: I'm sitting in the chair, writhing in agony. A demon, a minor demon, is pinning me there, fucking with my head. 'Abraxas', he says, 'I'm Abraxas, the demon of lies and deceit'.
Abraxas: So, what do you want to know about lies, my dear?
Jenny: I'm not a liar, I try again to get up. This time I'm flayed, splayed. I feel myself screaming.
Abraxas: I'll tell you about lies. There are white lies and black lies, and many shades of grey lies. Some lies are justified. Lies told out of kindness, lies that preserve dignity, lies that spare pain.
[Scenes of people at the party telling lies]
Abraxas: Everybody's a liar, dear.

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Lady on Intercom: Reviva. Who is it?
Alice: Uhh... yeah, uh... Alice Peters, I have an appointment.
'Lady on Intercom: I don't understand. What do you want?
Alice: [enunciating] I have an appointment.
Lady on Intercom: For what? What do you want?
Alice': All right, I need to get my vagina rejuvenated!
[Alice looks around quickly to see if anyone heard]
Lady on Intercom: Well, why didn't you just say so?

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Shane: No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.

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Alice: Some of us have it worst, Dana, you know. Some of us are dating lesbian men.

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Jenny: [Takes a sip of water] I never said I was a lesbian.
Annette: So it just came outta no where and bit you on the ass like that? Cause I mean... I love women... yeah I mean, for the companionship. I figure I could do without the company of men entirely except, dude, I can't get down with the puss... I love a dick.
Jenny: I think I'm bisexual.
Annette: Oh brother...
Jenny: [Interrupting] I do... I really do.
Annette: Jenny, is this just your way of telling me that you had a crush on me in college?
Jenny: Annette... no.
Annette: [smiling] You're lying... You were madly in love with me. [she turns back to the mirror] Well I gotta get a look at this Marina, to see if she's worth it...
Jenny: [smiling] No...
Annette: Yeah.
Jenny: Oh no...
Annette: Yeah... no we gotta stalk her, no we gotta stalk her jenny just a little bit so I can see.
Jenny: no, no, no... no stalking.
Annette: Why?
Jenny: Because... um... her girlfriend's back in town.
Annette: Her girlfriend!
Jenny: I know...
Annette: Man, does this story get any better?

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Bette: [voiceover at her and Tina's support group] What's happening to me?... Am I just panicking?... Is this about the baby?... Or am I falling out of love?

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Dana: Slander against cats. Write that down.

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[to Alice about using a strap-on]
'Dana: Is it a bisexual thing? You tryin' to have your cake and eat your pussy too?

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Shane: That's the cycle of life. We start out eating baby food and wearing a diaper and we go out that way.

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Bette: [entering the bathroom] Baby, are you okay?
Tina: [smiles] I think my water just broke. Oh my God.
Bette: [calls the hospital] Hi Davina, it's Bette Porter, I am in the bathroom of the Wiltern theater with Tina and a huge puddle of water.

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[Tina hasn't told Bette about the baby]
Alice: I mean, she's GOTTA know. Is she fuckin' blind?

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Dana: You know, Al, just 'cause you're riding the big fat weenie doesn't mean there's something wrong with the way the rest of us do it, okay?

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[regarding Dana's dead cat, Mr.Piddles]
Tina: He looks a little strange.
Alice: Yeah. I think he... hasn't really thawed out yet. We were afraid he was gonna decompose, so Shane and I put him in the freezer.

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Tina: [regarding the baby's last name] I think we should do some sort of combo thing. You know? Instead of the whole hyphenated thing?
Bette: What, like, "Portard"?
Tina: Bette..."Hey poor tard! How's your two moms you big gay-mo?"

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Peggy Peabody: I hope you girls write fabulous, sick, neurotic, tortured love poems to one another.
Bette: [smiling] I'm actually working on several right now.
Peggy Peabody: Send me one, would you Bette?

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Bette: [Bette and Tina are talking on the phone] And you know who's responsible for this? Your buddy Helena Peabody. The woman is a fucking dragon and she's making my life a living hell.
[Tina doesn't respond. Instead, she looks around impatiently, no longer looking interested in the call]
Bette: Oh, please tell me you're not sleeping with her, Tina.
Tina: [frustrated] Bette.
Bette: Are you sleeping with her? Are you fucking sleeping with her?
Tina: It's none of your fucking business.
Bette: Don't do it, Tina, that woman will eat you alive. She is a vampire.
Tina: Yeah, and a dragon.
Bette: That's right. She is a monster. However you wanna categorize it, she likes to fuck with people for sport and...

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Alice: [Tina is urinating on a strip for her pregnancy test] How do you not pee on your hand?
Tina: You just aim below the clit.
Alice: Oh, really?
Tina: Yeah, where did you think pee came out of?
Alice: I dunno, there's a lot going on down there.

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Peggy Peabody: I was a lesbian back in 1974.
Bette: Just 1974?
Peggy Peabody: Yes, that was all I needed.
Bette: That's what we commonly refer to as a "hasbian".

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[on admitting that he is gay]
Burr Connor: I am a card carrying member of the Cock-Sucker's Club.

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[interviewed by Mark]
Carmen: My name is Carmen de la Pica Morales. The first time I knew I was gay was back in high school when I fell in love with Lucia Torres, who was the girlfriend of Paco Fernandez, the toughest guy in school. She was one to be avoided by all the others, for Paco ruled the school. It was a unofficial rule: no-one screws with Paco's girl...but I did.

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Jenny: Are you thinking about having sex with me right now?
Moira: It's crossed my mind...

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