The L Word Quotes
Bette: [laughing on the phone] Oh my God, that sounds awful. She did NOT say "a mixer for our gay and our straight friends."
TV Show: The L Word
Alice: Thank God you're here, we're totally outnumbered.
Bette: What do you mean?
Alice: Straight people.
Bette: Oh, Jesus.
Bette: What do you mean?
Alice: Straight people.
Bette: Oh, Jesus.
TV Show: The L Word
Blonde Woman: Your daughter is adorable.
Bette: Thank you.
Blonde Woman: What would you do if one day she decided she wants to live with her father?
Tina: We don't call him "the father," we call him the donor.
Bette: I really don't think that's going to happen.
Brad: Sorry, excuse me, I know you don't want it to happen, but kids have minds of their own. I'm sure your parents would rather you weren't a lesbian, you know.
Bette: My parents are dead.
Bette: Thank you.
Blonde Woman: What would you do if one day she decided she wants to live with her father?
Tina: We don't call him "the father," we call him the donor.
Bette: I really don't think that's going to happen.
Brad: Sorry, excuse me, I know you don't want it to happen, but kids have minds of their own. I'm sure your parents would rather you weren't a lesbian, you know.
Bette: My parents are dead.
TV Show: The L Word
Brad: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest here.
Bette: An honest homophobe... how nice.
Bette: An honest homophobe... how nice.
TV Show: The L Word
Alice: Shane!
Papi: Shane?
Alice: Ahh, this ought to be interesting.
[showdown music]
Shane: Hey, hey.
Papi: You're Shane?
Shane: [shoots tequila, exhales] Whew! [addresses Papi] Yeah.
Papi: You're just a skinny little white girl.
Shane: [looks down at herself] Oh. Yeah, I guess I am.
Alice: Shane!
Shane: [distractedly] What?
Alice: This is Papi.
Shane: Who?
Alice: Papi.
Shane: So what?
Papi: So, I'm your competition.
Shane: Oh. Oh, OK. Well, you know, I don't know exactly what we're competing for, but, uh, you win. So, it was nice meeting you.
Papi: Shane?
Alice: Ahh, this ought to be interesting.
[showdown music]
Shane: Hey, hey.
Papi: You're Shane?
Shane: [shoots tequila, exhales] Whew! [addresses Papi] Yeah.
Papi: You're just a skinny little white girl.
Shane: [looks down at herself] Oh. Yeah, I guess I am.
Alice: Shane!
Shane: [distractedly] What?
Alice: This is Papi.
Shane: Who?
Alice: Papi.
Shane: So what?
Papi: So, I'm your competition.
Shane: Oh. Oh, OK. Well, you know, I don't know exactly what we're competing for, but, uh, you win. So, it was nice meeting you.
TV Show: The L Word
Papi: Don't be mad, Brown Barbie.
Bette: Who the fuck you calling "Brown Barbie?" You fucking Carmelita Tropicana.
Bette: Who the fuck you calling "Brown Barbie?" You fucking Carmelita Tropicana.
TV Show: The L Word
Shane: He has a playdate with his friend.
Bette: Nice! That's probably the last word on earth I expected to be uttered from your lips.
Bette: Nice! That's probably the last word on earth I expected to be uttered from your lips.
TV Show: The L Word
Alice: [sarcastically] Wait, is this a lesson on writing from Jenny Schecter? Let me get a pen!
Jenny: Grab a pad too!
Jenny: Grab a pad too!
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Jenny: Do you hear that? Oh my God, It's Monet...Monet has come back from the dead, and he wants me to give you a message. He say's "I am so sorry for sitting infront of my pond in France and sketching those water lillies, and using the water lillies as actual inspiration. Sorry to offend Alice."
Alice: Oh wait he's talking to me, so weird...
Alice: [Talking to herself] Okay, I'll tell her.
Alice: [Back to Jenny] He says don't ever fucking compare yourself to him!
Alice: Oh wait he's talking to me, so weird...
Alice: [Talking to herself] Okay, I'll tell her.
Alice: [Back to Jenny] He says don't ever fucking compare yourself to him!
TV Show: The L Word
Shane: [To Cherie Jaffe] You know, my entire life people have said that I would become a psychopath if I didn't learn how to feel. And I wanna know, Cherie, what the fuck is so great about feeling? Because I finally let myself, and I feel like my heart's been completely ripped out.
TV Show: The L Word
[Dana and Tonya have gone to see Dana's parents to get their blessing for the wedding]
Tonya: Sharon... I was engaged once before, I don't know if Dana ever told you.
Sharon Fairbanks: No, she didn't
Tonya: Well... his name was Bayard, he was smart and successful, he was a real estate lawyer. He was totally in love with me... Now I tried really hard to make that one work. But every night I would wake up in the middle of the night, crying. And one night, Bayard work up and he found me like that. Do you know what he did?
Irwin Fairbanks: Damned if I do.
Tonya: He got down on one knee, and he said, "Tonya, will you not marry me? Because I know what's in your heart. And I love you too much to make you unhappy. Be true to yourself Tonya. Follow your heart".
[Sharon begins to cry and Dana and Tonya hug her]
Tonya: Sharon... I was engaged once before, I don't know if Dana ever told you.
Sharon Fairbanks: No, she didn't
Tonya: Well... his name was Bayard, he was smart and successful, he was a real estate lawyer. He was totally in love with me... Now I tried really hard to make that one work. But every night I would wake up in the middle of the night, crying. And one night, Bayard work up and he found me like that. Do you know what he did?
Irwin Fairbanks: Damned if I do.
Tonya: He got down on one knee, and he said, "Tonya, will you not marry me? Because I know what's in your heart. And I love you too much to make you unhappy. Be true to yourself Tonya. Follow your heart".
[Sharon begins to cry and Dana and Tonya hug her]
TV Show: The L Word
Alice: [whispering in Dana's ear] I want you to fuck me really hard with a strap-on.
TV Show: The L Word
Alice: [sitting down in a cafe to enjoy a nice afternoon with one another because The Planet is closed] Does she know that we're having coffee?
Dana: Um... She's in New Port beach with her family.
[Alice nods]
Dana: No... no she doesn't know but, I'm not hiding it.
Alice: Well, if she was at the beach we could have met at your place, like the good old days.
[waves fist in the air]
Dana: But, we have rules and we're trying to follow them.
[looking down at the table, or anywhere else that's not Alice's face]
Alice: Does that mean that you're finding it difficult?
[also looking away from Dana]
Dana: No... no not at all, you?
Alice: Piece of cake.
[they look at each other and smile]
Dana: Um... She's in New Port beach with her family.
[Alice nods]
Dana: No... no she doesn't know but, I'm not hiding it.
Alice: Well, if she was at the beach we could have met at your place, like the good old days.
[waves fist in the air]
Dana: But, we have rules and we're trying to follow them.
[looking down at the table, or anywhere else that's not Alice's face]
Alice: Does that mean that you're finding it difficult?
[also looking away from Dana]
Dana: No... no not at all, you?
Alice: Piece of cake.
[they look at each other and smile]
TV Show: The L Word
Dana: [apologizing to Lara] Can I please try again? I really want to try again. Can I?
Lara Perkins: One thing.
Dana: [holding back tears] Anything.
Lara Perkins: You have to start at least taking some steps towards being out.
Dana: I will.
Lara Perkins: Because you're going to be miserable being in the closet.
Dana: I know.
Lara Perkins: And you are really, really gay.
Dana: [almost laughing] I know.
Lara Perkins: And it's one of the things I like so much about you. If you hide that, you're hiding the best part.
[they kiss]
Lara Perkins: One thing.
Dana: [holding back tears] Anything.
Lara Perkins: You have to start at least taking some steps towards being out.
Dana: I will.
Lara Perkins: Because you're going to be miserable being in the closet.
Dana: I know.
Lara Perkins: And you are really, really gay.
Dana: [almost laughing] I know.
Lara Perkins: And it's one of the things I like so much about you. If you hide that, you're hiding the best part.
[they kiss]
TV Show: The L Word
Alice: [Seeing Dana and Tonya dressed alike] "What is with the twin thing? Are they merging already?"
TV Show: The L Word
[Kit and female dancers are filming a music video in hoochie outfits]
Bette: Shit. I feel like I did this.
Tina: No, look she's having fun!
Bette: She's being mounted!
Bette: Shit. I feel like I did this.
Tina: No, look she's having fun!
Bette: She's being mounted!
TV Show: The L Word
Shane: [Shane and Alice are at the Planet talking when they see annoying Tonya walk in] Oh shit.
Alice: [Looking over and seeing Tonya] Oh no, I cannot take Cruella DeVille this morning. Do some - uh, pretend I'm upset.
Shane: What? What?
Alice: [Alice puts down her knitting and turns toward Shane and pokes her. Shane quickly sits up and puts her magazine down] Put your arm around me!
[Shane does]
Alice: Um... I'll just start sobbing, and... [she tries to sound like she's crying while Shane continues to pretend to comfort her] ... obviously it'll be a really intimate moment... I mean... no halfway-sensitive person would ever dream of interrupting.
[Shane shakes her head, still going along]
Tonya: Guys! You guys!
[Tonya sits at their table, completely unaware of their private moment. Alice and Shane make faces, then go back to what they were doing]
Tonya: This place is falling apart! [gasps] Did you guys hear what happened to Marina?
Alice: [Looking over and seeing Tonya] Oh no, I cannot take Cruella DeVille this morning. Do some - uh, pretend I'm upset.
Shane: What? What?
Alice: [Alice puts down her knitting and turns toward Shane and pokes her. Shane quickly sits up and puts her magazine down] Put your arm around me!
[Shane does]
Alice: Um... I'll just start sobbing, and... [she tries to sound like she's crying while Shane continues to pretend to comfort her] ... obviously it'll be a really intimate moment... I mean... no halfway-sensitive person would ever dream of interrupting.
[Shane shakes her head, still going along]
Tonya: Guys! You guys!
[Tonya sits at their table, completely unaware of their private moment. Alice and Shane make faces, then go back to what they were doing]
Tonya: This place is falling apart! [gasps] Did you guys hear what happened to Marina?
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Alice: Ariana Huffington is fifty. She's not really your type. She's kinda fancy.
Shane: I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna fuck her.
Alice: Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would.
Shane: Huh.
Shane: [Dana joins the table] Well in that case, if she's hot...
Tonya: [to Dana] Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington.
Dana: You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane!
Shane: Her hair.
Dana: Ah.
Shane: I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna fuck her.
Alice: Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would.
Shane: Huh.
Shane: [Dana joins the table] Well in that case, if she's hot...
Tonya: [to Dana] Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington.
Dana: You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane!
Shane: Her hair.
Dana: Ah.
TV Show: The L Word
Kit: Let me talk to Tina.
Bette: What would you say?
Kit: That my sister is a pootie chasin' dog, who deserves to be tied down and whupped upside the head, but it doesn't change the fact that she loves you more than she loves her own life. And that you should finish punishing her and get back to figuring on how to live with one another for the next 50 years or more.
Bette: You could give it a try.
[Goes to take a bite of food, and stops, looking as if she's about to cry]
Kit: Now don't you go and pull a Marina on me now.
Bette: What would you say?
Kit: That my sister is a pootie chasin' dog, who deserves to be tied down and whupped upside the head, but it doesn't change the fact that she loves you more than she loves her own life. And that you should finish punishing her and get back to figuring on how to live with one another for the next 50 years or more.
Bette: You could give it a try.
[Goes to take a bite of food, and stops, looking as if she's about to cry]
Kit: Now don't you go and pull a Marina on me now.
TV Show: The L Word
Alice: Dana.
[short pause]
Alice: You have a really nice ass.
[slowly moves her hand and touches Dana's ass]
[they start having rough sex with '80s pop music in background]
[short pause]
Alice: You have a really nice ass.
[slowly moves her hand and touches Dana's ass]
[they start having rough sex with '80s pop music in background]
TV Show: The L Word
[after Tina tells her she wants to start seeing Bette again]
Helena Peabody: [condescendingly] Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think we were exclusive?
Helena Peabody: [condescendingly] Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think we were exclusive?
TV Show: The L Word
[after Alice tells Gabby off exactly as Bette and Tina told her to]
Gabby Deveaux: Emotional cripple? Where did you get that from? Dr. Phil?
Alice: Get out of my house.
Gabby Deveaux: Whatev. Suit yourself.
[starts to leave]
Gabby Deveaux: But this is not a good move for someone like you. Everyone knows you're desperate. There's no way you're going to bounce back from this.
Gabby Deveaux: Emotional cripple? Where did you get that from? Dr. Phil?
Alice: Get out of my house.
Gabby Deveaux: Whatev. Suit yourself.
[starts to leave]
Gabby Deveaux: But this is not a good move for someone like you. Everyone knows you're desperate. There's no way you're going to bounce back from this.
TV Show: The L Word
Alice: [talking about admitting that they are attracted to each other] Well, we just took the first step, we took the power out of it.
Dana: [they slow down their stretching and begin to stare at each other. Dana kinda snaps out of it] I think we need to take the second step. [she jogs off]
Alice: [nodding] Yeah, okay.
Alice: [little bit later on] We need to counteract it. We just need to avoid all situations where we find each other most attractive.
Dana: Mm-hmm.
Alice: We need, like... rules of un-attraction.
Dana: Okay, like never be alone together, in places like the bathroom at The Planet.
Alice: Right! Never be alone together.
Dana: Especially never be alone together... in places where's there's like a bed or a couch.
Alice: Right, or - or - a table... or a floor...
[Dana smiles]
Alice: Or the backseat of a car.
Dana: [smiling] Ooh, that'd be good.... That wouldn't be good!
Alice: Okay, you need to stop showing up at The Planet after you've worked out, when you're all sweaty and your veins are all popping all over the place.
Dana: You like that? [Alice raises her eyebrows] Tonya hates that. Alright, well then you can't wear those shirts any more.
Alice: What shirts?
Dana: You know, the ones where... [grinning] they cling to you in some places and fall off you in others? ;;
[Alice has a huge grin on her face. Dana kind of rolls her eyes]
Dana: Fuck you.
Alice: Okay, that's totally against the rules.
Dana: [they slow down their stretching and begin to stare at each other. Dana kinda snaps out of it] I think we need to take the second step. [she jogs off]
Alice: [nodding] Yeah, okay.
Alice: [little bit later on] We need to counteract it. We just need to avoid all situations where we find each other most attractive.
Dana: Mm-hmm.
Alice: We need, like... rules of un-attraction.
Dana: Okay, like never be alone together, in places like the bathroom at The Planet.
Alice: Right! Never be alone together.
Dana: Especially never be alone together... in places where's there's like a bed or a couch.
Alice: Right, or - or - a table... or a floor...
[Dana smiles]
Alice: Or the backseat of a car.
Dana: [smiling] Ooh, that'd be good.... That wouldn't be good!
Alice: Okay, you need to stop showing up at The Planet after you've worked out, when you're all sweaty and your veins are all popping all over the place.
Dana: You like that? [Alice raises her eyebrows] Tonya hates that. Alright, well then you can't wear those shirts any more.
Alice: What shirts?
Dana: You know, the ones where... [grinning] they cling to you in some places and fall off you in others? ;;
[Alice has a huge grin on her face. Dana kind of rolls her eyes]
Dana: Fuck you.
Alice: Okay, that's totally against the rules.
TV Show: The L Word
Dana: [after seeing an exchange between Jenny and Marina] I thought Jenny was straight.
Alice: Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.
Shane: True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away.
Dana: How can you tell?
Alice: You read the signals.
Dana: That's my problem.
Shane: Dana, it's not a problem. Alright?
[Dana rolls her eyes]
Shane: No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.
Dana: No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.
Alice: You don't have gaydar.
Dana: No.
Alice: You're so right, you don't have it!
Alice: Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.
Shane: True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away.
Dana: How can you tell?
Alice: You read the signals.
Dana: That's my problem.
Shane: Dana, it's not a problem. Alright?
[Dana rolls her eyes]
Shane: No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.
Dana: No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.
Alice: You don't have gaydar.
Dana: No.
Alice: You're so right, you don't have it!
TV Show: The L Word
Alice: [to Shane after finding out that her mom, Lenore, kissed Shane] Hey, sorry you got Lenored!
TV Show: The L Word
Alice: [she and Shane are trying to teach Dana gaydar, and she's pointing out a woman facing away from them at the counter] What is she?
Dana: [hesitates] A customer?
[Shane shakes her head]
Dana: I don't know!
Shane: Dana, look at her fingernails, are they long or short?
Alice: Are they polished or natural?
'Dana: They're long and polished. [she looks at Alice] Sooo, she's... [looks to Alice to see if she will fill in the blank]
Shane: Leaning to straight, but we still need more info.
Alice: [in response to Dana's frustrated sigh] Look at the shoes.
Dana: High-heeled sandals.
Alice: With tapered jeans.
Alice: [in response to Dana's very flummoxed expression] Would you wear high-heeled sandals with tapered jeans?
Dana: [looking back and forth between Shane and Alice, looking very confused] Yes?
Alice: [firmly] No.
Dana: [hesitates] A customer?
[Shane shakes her head]
Dana: I don't know!
Shane: Dana, look at her fingernails, are they long or short?
Alice: Are they polished or natural?
'Dana: They're long and polished. [she looks at Alice] Sooo, she's... [looks to Alice to see if she will fill in the blank]
Shane: Leaning to straight, but we still need more info.
Alice: [in response to Dana's frustrated sigh] Look at the shoes.
Dana: High-heeled sandals.
Alice: With tapered jeans.
Alice: [in response to Dana's very flummoxed expression] Would you wear high-heeled sandals with tapered jeans?
Dana: [looking back and forth between Shane and Alice, looking very confused] Yes?
Alice: [firmly] No.
TV Show: The L Word
Bette: [trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.
Dana: Well, she sends me food.
Bette: Mmmhmmm.
Dana: She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.
Tina: These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?
Dana: No, she just sends them.
Bette: But she hasn't spoken to you.
Dana: No.
Shane: Ask her out.
Bette: No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.
Dana: Exactly.
Alice: [rolling her eyes] Please don't encourage her.
Bette: It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.
Alice: [gasping] You mean?
Bette: I mean.
Dana: [laughing but obviously clueless] What?
Bette: [smiling] We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.
Dana: Well, she sends me food.
Bette: Mmmhmmm.
Dana: She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.
Tina: These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?
Dana: No, she just sends them.
Bette: But she hasn't spoken to you.
Dana: No.
Shane: Ask her out.
Bette: No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.
Dana: Exactly.
Alice: [rolling her eyes] Please don't encourage her.
Bette: It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.
Alice: [gasping] You mean?
Bette: I mean.
Dana: [laughing but obviously clueless] What?
Bette: [smiling] We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.
TV Show: The L Word