The Colbert Report Quotes
Stephen: (9-17-2008) Hey liquid paper, your bottle should say you don't work on computer screens. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (9-18-2008) I know the knife is suppose to go next to the spoon... but where does the gun go? This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (9-23-2008) Hey autumnal equinox, if the nights are getting longer, why is my show still only a half an hour? This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (9-24-2008) This message will self destruct, only if you have one of those new exploding TV's. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (9-25-2008) Early to bed, early to rise. Makes a man miss my show. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (9-29-2008) Nation, I will always make eye contact with you. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (9-30-2008) They days of atonement are upon us. I apologize for being perfect. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-1-2008) I think. Therefore, you are. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-2-2008) It's snowing on Mars, so the following schools are closed. Microbe Academy, Bleep Blorp Elementary and St. Teresa's blessed crater. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-06-2008) Hey, I Am America: And So Can You! 2009 Desk Calender: how dare you be available in bookstores everywhere? Busted! This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-07-2008) The Bad news, the Dow dropped 500 points today. The Good news, I didn't know there were 500 left. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-08-2008) If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday? BAM. Busted! This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-09-2008) The names in this broadcast have been changed to protect the innocent. This Is the Molber Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-13-2008) Happy Columbus Day if your name is Christopher Columbus. Everybody else, back to work. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-14-08) They weren't booing at Sarah Palin at that Hockey game. The crowd was just getting in the Halloween Spirit. BOOOOOOOOOO. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-15-2008) I will not have 22 minutes for my rebuttal. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-16-2008) This show is 22 minutes. Let's round it up to an hour. That will be $800. This Is Joe, the Plumber Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-20-2008) If your actions speak louder then words, you're not yelling loud enough. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-21-2008) Hey America, you scratch my back, I'll demand you scratch my back more. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-22-2008) I swim against the Tide, with Bleach Alternative. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-23-2008) Hey Pants, why should I have to put you on one leg at a time? I'm not like everybody else. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-28-2008) The following was supposed to contain nudity. Thanks a lot, network. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-29-2008) I don't pay attention to polls. I just count lawn signs. So get ready for President Remax. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (10-30-2008) Hey kids, if you need a last minute costume idea, you can always go door to door as a McCain campaigner. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (11-05-2008) I didn't vote! If I wanted to stay in line for hours, I'd be an audience member at my show. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (11-06-2008) Hey, did you guys see tonight's episode of The Colbert Report? This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (11-11-2008) What is the sound of one me talking? This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (11-12-2008) Hey TelePrompTer. Stop telling me what to do. Pause, Then Yell. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (11-13-2008) Hey, single malt scotch. You're 30 years old. When are you gonna settle down and get married? To my stomach. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (11-17-2008) If your Colbert Report lasts longer than a half an hour, consult your physician. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report