The Colbert Report Quotes
Stephen: (11-18-2008) If you ever forget to watch my show, try this handy mnemonic. Watch. My. Show. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (11-19-2008) Sarah Palin is getting a book deal. Which means, Wasilia is getting a book store. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (11-20-2008) It's my last show before Thanksgiving so I'm going to pardon my turkey. I'm going to put part of it in my stomach, part of it in some sandwiches. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (12-01-2008) I'm back from Thanksgiving break. Now you have something to be thankful for. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (12-02-2008) If you're looking for an inexpensive way to heat your home, may I suggest grease fire. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (12-03-2008) Portions of this show may have been pre-recorded. I've done so many, it's hard to remember. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (12-04-2008) Only 21 more "can't afford to shopping days" till Christmas. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (12-08-2008) I don't wanna let the cat out of the bag. That cat knows what it did and it needs to be punished. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (12-09-2008) I'm calling for an auto bailout. Because I drove my car into a lake. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (12-10-2008) Remember the old adage, starve a cold, feed a fever, behead a zombie. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (12-11-2008) It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere I go. Possibly because I live in Macy's. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (01-07-2009) It's the year of the Ox. Good, I was getting sick of eating rat. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (01-08-2009) The Hills, are alive, with the sound of, Wolves! Run Maria, Run! This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (01-12-2009) Fool me once. Shame on You. Fool me twice. Shame on you again. I am shameless! This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (01-13-2009) A house divided against itself cannot stand, but it's worth squat in this market anyway. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (01-14-2009) Hey! I don't pay my taxes. Why can't I be Treasury Secretary? This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (01-15-2009) It's my way or the toll way. No free rides. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (01-19-2009) Just 12 more hours until all those Bush countdown clocks explode. You fools! This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (01-21-2009) [Reciting with hand raised]: I, Stephen Colbert, promise faithfully to-I mean faithfully promise- Oh, fuck it! Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (01-22-2009) Congratulations to "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" on its 13 Oscar nominations. See, Americans do support torture. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (01-26-2009) Hey Iceland, you cannot make a Molotov cocktail with yogurt. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (01-27-2009) America, here's my stimulus package! [Colbert takes off his glasses] Hello ladies. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (01-28-2009) What do I have to do to get nominated for an Oscar? Make a movie? This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (01-29-2009) Scotch tape, either change your name or get me drunk. I nearly choked last night. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (02-02-2009) It's Groundhog Day. Gentlemen, start your groundhogs! This is The Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (02-03-2009) Hey lady liberty, isn't time you settled down and found yourself a man? This is The Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (02-04-2009) Here's a brain teaser for ya. Your brain's ugly. This is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (02-05-2009) Don't put off till tomorrow what your team of personal assistants can do today. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (02-09-2009) It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (02-10-2009) Let's agree to disagree with anybody who disagrees with me. This is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report