The Colbert Report Quotes
Stephen Colbert: Which is clearer, "I am the lamb of God?"...
"The Word" side-screen: [flashes] "Huh?"
Stephen Colbert: ...or "Hey you better build a boat quick 'cause I'm going to drown the world!"
"The Word" side-screen: [flashes] "Loud and clear, cheif!"
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: You know how many wars could be fought with $100 million? A *third* of one.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: You know what you can't outsource, Fareed? You can't outsource balls. America is the world leader in balls.
Fareed Zakaria: You've really got balls on your mind tonight.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: You know, I've been running this show, four nights a week, for... five nights now...
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! But I've got oven mits. This is the Colbert Report.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Penn Jillette: Which camera's on right now?
Stephen Colbert: I don't know.
Penn Jillette: [looks around] Oh, it's this one right here. There is no Santa Claus! The Easter Bunny is your mother and father! There's no Easter Bunny and no God. Sorry!
Stephen Colbert: Do we have a puppy for Mr. Jillette to punch?
Penn Jillette: I don't like to touch them; I'd like to hit them with a hammer.
Stephen Colbert: Okay, look. The rest of the stuff you can say what you want, it's your audience to lose. But when you start messing with God, you got ME to answer to.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Arianna Huffington: You know what, you say you want democracy. But all but 20% of Iraqis want us gone. So if you want democracy, why don't you listen to what the Iraqis are saying?
Stephen Colbert: Hey, what if we pulled out of our own civil war, Arianna? We'd still have slaves! Why do you hate black people? Air tight logic!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Mike Mark Carrion: [Stephen is calling the Humane Society after they were "livid" about his hatred of bears] Hello, this is Mike Mark Carrion.
Stephen Colbert: Mike, I want to know who to give my anger to.
Mike Mark Carrion: What seems to be the problem?
Stephen Colbert: This is Stephen Colbert from The Colbert Report. It says here in The Philadelphia Inquirer that your organization, quote "was livid" about an episode of my show. Is this true?
Mike Mark Carrion: Well, we're livid about the trophy hunting of bears in New Jersey, which-which...
Stephen Colbert: The Philadelphia Inquirer says here that you are livid about the episode. Are they lying or are you lying?
Mike Mark Carrion: We were livid that people killed nearly 300 bears for trophies last December in New Jersey.
Stephen Colbert: Are you aware that bears are Godless killing machines?
Mike Mark Carrion: Bears are not killing machines.
Stephen Colbert: But you will admit that they are Godless?
Mike Mark Carrion: Uh...
Stephen Colbert: What if a bear was breaking into your house to get at your women? Would you shoot it then or would you just say "take 'em?"?
Mike Mark Carrion: You know, when bears cause conflict, it's usually because people have attracted them...
Stephen Colbert: Oh, it's our fault! It's our fault, because I have doughnuts!
Mike Mark Carrion: Well, we encourage people to store their food and trash properly if...
Stephen Colbert: Were you livid with my show?
Mike Mark Carrion: We were livid with the killing of these bears in New Jersey.
Stephen Colbert: I accept your apology.
Mike Mark Carrion: I didn't apologize.
Stephen Colbert: Too late! Goodbye!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Tim Robbins: Why do you hate the truth?
Stephen Colbert: I don't hate the truth. It's facts I'm not a fan of.
TV Show: The Colbert Report