The Colbert Report Quotes
Stephen: It's no secret, folks. It's all over the news. We are living in some hard times. The economy is in the crapper, bin Laden is still at large, and Steve Gutenberg is on Dancing with the Stars. I wonder what star he's dancing with? Now I think, in fact, there wouldn't be any good news out there if it weren't for... Nazi gold.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (4-3-2008) It's not a recession, it's a correction. Correction, it's a recession. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (4-7-2008) Remember the 80's? Then you're not part of my demographic. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (4-8-2008) Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Unless you throw a dictionary at me. This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (4-9-2008) There are 8 million stories in the naked city. Most would look better with their clothes on. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (6-25-2008) What do I want? My own show! When do I want it? Now! This Is the Colbert Report!
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Stephen: (6-26-2008) I'm about to take two weeks off. You know what that means! Fresh Injuries. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (6-26-2008) Many states don't allow the sale of fireworks. To me it's not the Fourth of July until I'm rolling on the ground screaming for somebody to put me out.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (7-22-2008) I'm a man of few words but I say them over and over and over. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (7-28-2008) Do not store me near an open flame. My contents are under pressure. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (7-29-2008) I always give a 110% so the way I see it, somebody gives me a 10% refund. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (7-30-2008) For every action, I have a superior and opposite reaction. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (7-31-2008) Frère Jacques, frère Jacques, dormez-truth? This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (8-04-2008) America, I wear the pants in this relationship. Most of the time. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (8-05-2008) The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Just make sure to stab with an upward motion. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (8-06-2008) You know what they say, if it ain't broke, let me at it. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (8-07-2008) Take everything I say with a grain of salt, because my new sponsor is Salt. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (8-11-2008) In case of fire, remain in your seats till I'm out of the building. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (8-13-2008) If life gives you lemons, save the receipt! This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (8-14-2008) And tonight's Colbert Penny Pincher. If you're out of milk, add water to yogurt. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (8-15-2008) If I had a quarter for every time I said I had a nickel, I'd have five times as much theoretical money. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (8-26-2008) To the Democrats of the Mile High City, remember, if you drink liquor at that altitude, you might become interesting. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (8-27-2008) Hey Democrats. I'm getting a little nervous that you haven't invited me to speak at your convention yet. Joke's over guys. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (8-28-2008) Hey Obama. You wanna impress me with a speech on the 50 yard line of a football field? Give it during the game. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (9-02-2008) Shave and a haircut. 9 bits. Inflation. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (9-03-2008) Those Republican speakers dished out a lot of red meat last night. They should have their colons checked. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (9-04-2008) Warning, I may contain more than a trace amount of nut. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (9-08-2008) Those Republicans dished up a lot of red meat last night. They should have their colons checked. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (9-15-2008) By the power vested in me, I now pronounce us, Host and Audience. You may kiss the screen! This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: (9-16-2008) Hey TiVo users, watch for a hidden message during commercials when you watch them in their entirety. This Is the Colbert Report!
TV Show: The Colbert Report