George Lopez Quotes

Carmen Lopez: How can you sleep at night knowing you help bomb babies?
George Lopez: We don't make the bombs, Carmen, we make the landing gear so the plane can come back and reload.
Carmen Lopez: Read the shirt, Dad.
George Lopez: [reads Carmen's T-shirt, dryly] 'Smart bombs are dumb'. Wow, I never knew a rhinestone T-shirt could be so powerful.

TV Show: George Lopez
George Lopez: You're going to live here like I did as a kid, so no cell phones.
Carmen Lopez: Hey!
George Lopez: No computer games.
Max Lopez: Hey!
George Lopez: And if you cry yourself to sleep, save the tears so you have something to drink in the morning.

TV Show: George Lopez
George Lopez: You spent 50 cents!
Angie Lopez: No, I bought these with recycled cans.
George Lopez: Going through the trash, are you?
Angie Lopez: I didn't need to, I found 40 empties in the back of your mom's car.

TV Show: George Lopez
George Lopez: Sure, Angie. I ruined our string of bad luck with our dyslexic son, our runaway daughter, and my mother who shows no sign of aging or disease whatsoever... [Benny walks by coughing]
George Lopez: A window just opened!

TV Show: George Lopez
George Lopez: My daughter's gonna be class president, valedictorian, prom queen, everything she can't be with those other kids around.

TV Show: George Lopez
Max Lopez: It's been three weeks with no TV or internet. All I do is read and go to school. I'm like some poor pioneer kid from the 70's.

TV Show: George Lopez
Max: What's a period?
George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

TV Show: George Lopez
[Carmen enters carrying frozen hot dogs under her arms]
Carmen: Here are the hot dogs.
George: What are you doing?
[George takes the hot dogs]
Carmen: Ow, my underarms burn! Your grandpa's old razor was so dull, it took me forever!
George: Didn't you change the blade?
Carmen: No, was I supposed to?
George: Sweetheart. That was the blade we used to shave grandpa right before we put him in the coffin.
Carmen: Oh my god!
Angie: Carmen! That's why you don't lie to people.
[Carmen leaves relieved]
George: It wasn't a lie.

TV Show: George Lopez
George: Look. Where I come from we weren't ever allowed in the room with a girl. And I'm gonna tell you straight, I don't like it. And I want you to know I'm watching you. Even when you don't think I'm around. I'm watching you. When you're sleeping in your little race car bed. I'm watching you. Even if you start to think "Hey! Maybe he's not watching me." I'm watching you. Pop quiz, what am I doing right now Duncan?
Duncan: Watching me sir?
George: There you go! That wasn't so bad was it?

TV Show: George Lopez
George: Angie, do I look like a stupid man?
Angie: What?
George: Do I look like an idiot? Do I look like a moron? Do I look like a buffoon?
Angie: Hey, no-one's forcing you to go to SuperCuts.

TV Show: George Lopez
Claudia: George! There's a detective waiting for you in your office. Do you have any idea why?
George: No.
Claudia: Look. Nobody is judging you. You are a good man, and you made a horrible mistake! You know maybe it was for love, maybe it was the drink, I don't know! Look! Seriously man just tell me what you did so I can help you. I will shred files, I will lie, I will do anything!
George: Okay, here's the plan. I'll go talk to the cop. You go back to your desk and pretend nothing's wrong, do some work. Okay? But don't pretend, actually do some work!

TV Show: George Lopez
Angie: But they're mean to Toby and Toby is your best friend.
Carmen: But she won't be there!
George: Oh. See that only make sense because you're using teenager logic. It's the same kind of logic that gets your kind killed in horror films.

TV Show: George Lopez
[George and Angie talk to Carmen]
Angie: Look, honey I know what you're going through. There was a time when I had to choose between the popular crowd and a sweet pudgy kid eating all by himself.
George: Who was that?
Angie: You don't know him.
[George straightens up]
George: By the way, you didn't pick the pudgy kid. Pudgy kid picked you.

TV Show: George Lopez
[George and Angie are mad at Carmen]
George: Carmen, you are so grounded, coffee's gonna look at you and say "DAMN!"

TV Show: George Lopez
Benny: George, if you expect a dog to bite you, you're gonna be happy if all he does is poop in your shoes.

TV Show: George Lopez
[Adam is throwing pebbles at Carmen's window; George throws one at the back of Adam's head; Adam turns around, startled]
Adam: Please don't kill me, Mr. Lopez!
George: I'm not gonna kill you. Back in the zoo, the bears don't kill their prey. They play with them a little first, then kill them. So come on, lets play!
Adam: [scared] I don't want to play, sir...

TV Show: George Lopez
Adam: Can you give this poem I wrote to Carmen?
George: Adam, there's a word for what you're going through. It's called being a giant wus!
Adam: Hey, I am not a wus.
[George rips Adam's poem in half]
Adam: [cries] MY POEM!

TV Show: George Lopez
George: You realize that if I ever catch you around here again, I'll have to bury you next to Justin.
Adam: Who's Justin?
George: [stares at garden and sighs] He's what makes my roses bloom...
[Adam stares at the garden for a moment, then runs away frantically]

TV Show: George Lopez
Benny: Oh hey Mr. peepers. Next show starts tomorrow at 8 am sharp.
George: I hope there's a 20 drink minimum.

TV Show: George Lopez
[George and Angie talk about re-modelling Benny's bathroom]
Angie: This is a big job, shouldn't you hire professional?
George: Professionals?! Angie please! I got this!

TV Show: George Lopez
[George finds his putter broken in half]
George: [wailing and crying] AY DIOS MIO!! We had so much in common! You're oversized head...

TV Show: George Lopez
George: Nothing gets past me; not even a fly. [Whips hand out as if to catch a fly] WHAPPAHH!
Angie: There's nothing in your hand.
George: [opens his hand] I was so fast I already released it.

TV Show: George Lopez
[George is talking to Benny about his childhood]
George: I can't believe the only reason you wouldn't let me drive when I was a kid was because you were afraid of me getting hurt. Is that why you wouldn't let me play football?
Benny: George, for a helmet to fit your head... they would have had to take out the padding. Now, at the time, I was already growing vegetables in the garden; I didn't want one walking around my house.

TV Show: George Lopez
[Carmen wants George to buy her a car for her birthday]
Carmen: Grandma, how old were you when your parents got you a car?
Benny: [laughs]
Carmen: ...okay, dad, how old were you when grandma got you a car?
[George and Benny both laugh]
Carmen: Okay, okay. None of you guys got cars. But aren't you supposed to want better for your kids?
George: [explodes with laughter] HAA!!! Hey, ask me how much I'm gonna spend on your wedding!
Benny: [laughs]

TV Show: George Lopez
[George and Ernie are shopping for Ernie]
Cashier: [gay accent] Ooh, are you two shopping for anything special?
George: Uh, no, man, we're not gay.
Ernie: George, that's a weird thing to just blurt out.

TV Show: George Lopez
[George thinks someone is stalking Max on the internet]
George: I put a filter on the computer, and only I know the secret password.
Max: Is it "wapaahh"?
George: [gets on the computer] ...not anymore.

TV Show: George Lopez
[George is doing college homework]"
Angie: You want to come and see the movie with us?
Max: [mockingly] I don't think our little Georgie is going anywhere until he's finished his homework.
George: You know, that's a lot of attitude from someone whose report card looks like it has a stutter. "D, D-D-D, D, D-D, D-D, D, D..."

TV Show: George Lopez
[George sees Vic in a completely white and really weird looking suit]
George: [in Cuban accent] Welcome to fantasy island.

TV Show: George Lopez
[George is wearing scrubs for a costume party with a stethoscope]
George: Hey, Max, come here for a second. I want to see if this thing works right. [holds stethoscope to Max's chest]
George: [listening to Max's heartbeat]
[Max sees Veronica walk in wearing a very slutty costume]
George: wow, this thing's going crazy!

TV Show: George Lopez
Angie: [on the phone][to herself] I knew I'd say this at some point in our marriage. [to George] George, it your mom calling from jail!

TV Show: George Lopez