The Big Bang Theory Quotes

Leonard: You're a big boy, you'll figure it out.
Sheldon: Don't talk to me like I'm a child. Now take me to return my Star Wars sheets!

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Leonard Hofstadter: Let me ask you something: if your friend thinks he's dating someone, but he's not, because in fact you're dating her, does that make you a bad person?
Penny: Well that depends.
Leonard Hofstadter: On what?
Penny: Is that friend Wolowitz?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah...
Penny: Screw him - you're fine.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you sure?
Penny: Well... Have you slept with her yet? [Leonard nods]
Penny: You dog! Good for you!
Leonard Hofstadter: Does that change things?
Penny: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: So, why did you ask?
Penny: I'm nosy!

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Penny: Aren't you upset that you're getting divorced?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, initially I did feel something akin to grief and perhaps anger. But that's the natural reaction of the limbic system by being betrayed by a loathsome son of a bitch.
Penny: Still, it must have been quite a shock.
Beverly Hofstadter: Not really. I hadn't had sexual relations with him for eight years.
Penny: Eight years?
Beverly Hofstadter: I've been responsible for my own orgasms since 1982.
Penny: Yikes. [Beverly snickers]
Penny: What's so funny?
Beverly Hofstadter: That's what I say during my orgasms. Yikes.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Penny: I always tear up when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes.
Sheldon Cooper: Tears seem appropiate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertropic myopathy, is a serious disease.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Deck the Halls] Fa-la-la, fa-la-la, fa la-la.
Penny: I take it you didn't like it?
Sheldon Cooper: On the contrary. I find the Grinch a relatable character, right until he succumbs to social convention and gives the presents back. What a buzzkill that was.
Leonard Hofstadter: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, but the sun is vital to life on Earth. Frosty is just a bit of holiday ephemera with a stolen hat. A crime for which he is never accounted for.
Leonard Hofstadter: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la!

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: Minstrel's will write songs about you.
Leonard: [still not pleased] Great.
Sheldon: [singing] There once was a brave lad named Leonard. With a fi-fi-findle dee dee. He faced, in fears, a giant. While Raj just wanted to pee.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: I think I need another Mandarin lesson. I don't think I got through to them.
Howard Wolowitz: For heaven's sake, if you don't like the tangerine chicken, don't order the tangerine chicken.
Sheldon: I like tangerine chicken, I'm just not getting tangerine chicken.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: Oh Lord, they re-did the menu.
Leonard: So what, it's the same food.
Sheldon: Really? Look at this: General Tso's chicken is no longer under specialties. It's now under chicken.
Raj: So?
Sheldon: Yes General Tso.
Raj: Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So?
Sheldon: So? Did the chef loose confidence in himself or the dish. And just look at this, Shrimp with mobster sauce. What is mobster sauce?
Leonard: It's obviously a typo.
Sheldon: Perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant is now a front for organized crime. For all we know the mobster sauce actually contains chunks of deceased mobsters.
Raj: No, I just think it means it's the kind of sauce mobsters like.
Howard: It doesn't mean anything, it's just a typo!
Leonard: Here's an idea: why don't we go out for pizza?
Sheldon: Good idea. We’ll go to Corleone’s.
Howard: Sure, no mobsters there.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: [about donating sperm] What if she winds up with a toddler who doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Penny: I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know...
Sheldon: Yes... it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: Participate in the what?
Leonard: What he means is that wouldn't be his first guess.
Penny: Yeah, a lot of people think I'm a water sign.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
[Discussing a large box of furniture which they have to take to the fourth floor, with the elevator out of order]
Leonard: Well, we'll just have to take it up ourselves.
Sheldon: I hardly think so.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: Well, we don't have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.
Leonard: We don't need strength, we're physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes. Give me a lever and a fulcrum and I could lift the earth.
[The package starts falling on him]
Leonard: I don't have this! I don't have this! I DON'T HAVE THIS!
[Sheldon lifts the package off him]
Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud.
Leonard: Well, do you have any ideas?
Sheldon: Yeah, but they all involve a Green Lantern and a power ring.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Leonard: Do you realize if Penny wakes up, there's no reasonable explanation to why we are here?
Sheldon: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
Leonard: No, you gave me an explanation. Its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers!
Sheldon: Don't be ridiculous. I have no peers.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Leonard: Hello Leslie.
Leslie: Hi Leonard.
Leonard: I'd like to propose an experiment…
Leslie: Goggles, Leonard.
Leonard: Right. I would like to propose an experiment.
Leslie: Hang on. I'm trying to see how long it takes a 500-kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my Cup o' Noodles.
Leonard: I've done it. About two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.
Leslie: Wait, are you asking me out?
Leonard: I was going to characterize it as the modification of our colleague-slash-friendship paradigm with the addition of a date-like component, but we don't need to quibble over terminology.
Leslie: What sort of experiment?
Leonard: There's a generally accepted pattern in this area. I would pick you up. Take you to a restaurant. Then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.
Leslie: Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the biochemical reaction during the good night kiss?
Leonard: Heart rate, pheromones, et cetera. Yes.
Leslie: Why don't we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable?
Leonard: You mean kiss you now?
Leslie: Yes.
Leonard: Can you define the parameters of the kiss?
Leslie: Closed-mouth but romantic. Mint?

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Howard: Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?
Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Howard: Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.
Sheldon: Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov'sThree Laws of Robotics?
Raj: You might be bound by them right now.
Howard: That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?
Sheldon: Of course not.
Raj: Have you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?
Sheldon: Well, no.
Howard: I smell robot.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: I've spent the past three-and-a-half years staring at greaseboards full of equations; before that, I spent four years working on my thesis; before that, I was in college, and before that, I was in the fifth grade.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Mrs. Cooper: [to Leonard and Penny] You know, you two make a cute couple.
Leonard: Oh no, we're not...a couple. We're individually wrapped pieces of cheese that are next to each other...but...stay friends.
Mrs. Cooper: [aside to Howard] Did I touch a nerve there?
Howard: Oh yeah.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Leonard: What did Penny mean, "you'd make a cute couple"?
Sheldon: Well, I assume she meant that the two of you together would constitute a couple that others might consider cute. An alternate, though somewhat less likely interpretation is that you could manufacture one. As in, "Oh, look, Leonard and Leslie made Mr. and Mrs. Goldfarb! Aren't they adorable?"
Leonard: If Penny didn't know that Leslie had already turned me down, then that would unambiguously mean that she, Penny, thought I should ask her, Leslie, out, indicating that she, Penny, had no interest in me asking her, Penny, out; but because she did know that I had asked Leslie out, and that she, Leslie, had turned me down, then she, Penny, could be offering me consolation - "That's too bad, you would have made a cute couple..." - while thinking, "good, Leonard remains available."
Sheldon: You're a lucky man, Leonard.
Leonard: How so?
Sheldon: You're talking to one of the three men in the Western Hemisphere capable of following that train of thought.
Leonard: Well, what do you think?
Sheldon: I said I could follow it, I didn't say I cared.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Penny: Leonard, I didn't know you played the cello.
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
[Kurt looking at Sheldon who is dressed as the Doppler Effect]
Kurt: So what are you, a zebra?
Sheldon: [to Leonard] Yet another child left behind.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Leonard: [To Kurt] A Homo habilis just discovering his opposable thumbs says what?
Kurt: [Confused] What?

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Leonard: [seeing Sheldon trying to sit on the couch where Penny's head is] What are you doing?
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6: 15, poured myself a bowl of cereal, added a quarter-cup of 2% milk, sat on this end of this couch, turned on BBC America, and watched Doctor Who.
Leonard: Penny's still sleeping.
Sheldon: Every Saturday since we've lived in this apartment, I have awakened at 6: 15, poured myself a bowl of cereal…
Leonard: You have a TV in your room. Why don't you just have breakfast in bed?
Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Leonard: Sheldon, think this through. You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
Sheldon: No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems.
Leonard: You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.
Sheldon: My point.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: I'll have a Diet Coke.
Penny: OK, will you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.
Sheldon: Fine, I'll have a virginCuba Libre.
Penny: That's, um, Rum and Coke without the rum.
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: So, Coke.
Sheldon: Yes. And would you make it Diet?
Penny: There's a can in the fridge.
Sheldon: A Cuba Libre generally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.
Penny: Then swim to Cuba.
Sheldon: Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
[Sheldon is singing "L'Chaim" at Penny's bar]
Leonard: I don't believe it. What's got into him?
Penny: Oh, a couple of virgin Cuba Libres who turned out to be kinda slutty.
Leonard: [smiling] You didn't.
Penny: Hey, you do your little experiments, I do mine.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Leonard: Are there any other honors that I've gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Sheldon: Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.
Raj: The only thing missing from that slam was your mama!
Howard: Hey Leonard, yo mama's research methodology's so flawed...
Leonard: Shut up Howard! Sheldon, we have to do this.
Sheldon: No we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is optional.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Penny: So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing?
Leonard: No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention Sheldon is bat-crap crazy.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
Leonard: What was I supposed to say?
Sheldon: You could have told her the truth.
Leonard: That would have hurt her feelings.
Sheldon: Is that a relevant factor?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
Leonard: And what would I have said afterwards?
Sheldon: I would suggest something to the effect of, "Singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.
Leonard: I couldn't say that. I would have to say, "You were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again."
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: That's the social protocol. It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.
Sheldon: I was not aware of that.
Leonard: Now you are.
Sheldon: Oh. All right. Leonard?
Leonard: Yes?
Sheldon: When we played chess earlier, you were terrific, and I can't wait to play you again.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: I was analyzing our lie, and I believe we're in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.
Leonard: How?
Sheldon: Simple: If she were to log onto www dot socalphysicsgroup dot org forward slash activities forward slash other, click on "Upcoming Events", scroll down to "Seminars", download the PDF schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: Checkmate.
Leonard: Argh, again?
Sheldon: Obviously you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candyland would be more your speed.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: Anyway, the housekeeper in the faculty residence didn't speak any English. When I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said, "Möchtest du eine Darmspülung?"
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Based on what happened next, I assume it means, "Would you like an enema?"

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory
Sheldon: 15 years old—Dennis Kim is 15 years old, and he's already correcting my work. Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to—you know—that other guy.
Howard: Antonio Salieri.
Sheldon: Oh, God, now even you're smarter than me.

TV Show: The Big Bang Theory