South Park Quotes

Chef: [talking to Cartman who's dressed like a KKKlansman] Remind me to whoop your ass good next time I see you.

TV Show: South Park
Chef: [imitating Michael Jackson's Thriller video clip] I'm gonna make love, even when I'm dead. My body might get cold, but it's always hot in bed! Make love, don't you be afraid! Just because my heart ain't beating, doesn't mean you won't get laid!

TV Show: South Park
Stan: If my mom could cook like Cartman's mom I'd be a big fatass too!
Cartman: That's right!
[Cartman realizes he's been insulted]
Cartman: AY!

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Oh, really? Gosh, where could I have put Pip's invitation? Oh, yeah, now I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yeah, I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and, whoop! Shoved it up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party. Sorry, Pip old chap.

TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: And where are you from, Damien?
Damien: The seventh layer of hell!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, that's exciting, my mother was from Alabama.

TV Show: South Park
Pip: Oh, good day, Damien. My name is Phillip, but everyone calls me Pip, because they hate me.
Damien: Then I will call you Pip.
Pip: Right-o.

TV Show: South Park
Damien: Everybody hates me.
Mr. Mackey: Well, uh, why do you suppose that is?
Damien: Because I'm the son of the devil.
Mr. Mackey: Uh-huh, that's a good start. Why else?
Damien: Because I... burn and kill them?

TV Show: South Park
Stan: Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothing.
Cartman: (Damien approaches) Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now. Hey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!
Damien: I a-pologise for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Oh! Excuse me, new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice.

TV Show: South Park
Stan: Phew! You stink, new kid. You smell like a fart.
Kyle: Yeah, we're gonna call you fart-boy from now on.

TV Show: South Park
Stan: Bye bye, fart-boy!
Kyle: See you!
Pip: Good day, how are you, Damien?
Damien: Those guys farted on me, and then called me...
Pip: Fart-boy? Oh, good! Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Ants in the Pants?! ANTS IN THE PANTS?!
Kyle: It's a game, Dude. It's really fun.
Cartman: You son of a bitch! You were supposed to get me red megaman! Now I can't make Ultra Mega Megaman! You dirty cheap ass piece of crap!
Kyle: They were all out of them, Dude!
Cartman: I hate you! I want you to die!

TV Show: South Park
Damien: Wow, that kid has some real emotional problems.
Stan: Ah, he does this all the time.

TV Show: South Park
Damien: (Sadly) Well, goodbye guys. I was nice getting to know you.
Stan: You're leaving already?
Damien: I have to. My Dad's always on the move.

TV Show: South Park
Stan: Wow, I feel kinda bad for that kid.
Kyle: Yeah, just when he was being accepted he has to leave and start over.
Stan: Parents can be so cruel. Don't they realise what a child needs more than anything is security?

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Starvin' Marvin, that's my pot pie!
Stan: Cartman, you butt pipe! This is the time of year you're supposed to share!
Cartman: Oh yeah! Are you gonna eat all of your peach cobbler, Starvin' Marvin? Aw, you don't want all that, why don't you share it with me, neh? Neh, neh, neh?

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?
Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Eric, they just do.
[Kyle sniffs Kenny in disgust]

TV Show: South Park
Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I.
Kyle: That means that MacGyver is a real person, too!

TV Show: South Park
Mr. Hankey: How-dy-ho!

TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?
Sheila: How about the Dreidel song, boobie?
Kyle: I can sing the Mr. Hankey song.
Mr. Garrison: The Mr. Hankey song, how does that go?
Kyle: [singing] Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo, he loves me and I love...
Stan: Christmas poo?
Cartman: What the hell is Christmas poo?!
Kyle: Mr. Hankey the Christmas poo, haven't you guys ever heard of it?
Sheila: Kyle, that is enough!
Mr. Garrison: See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a pagan.
Sheila: Now that does it! I am going straight to the mayor about you Mr. Garrison!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, wait, wait. I'm sorry, was it the pagan remark?

TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: The new law states, can't sing any songs having to Jesus or Santa Claus.
Cartman: Thanks to Kyle's mother.
Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
Mr. Garrison: So anybody knows any non-Santa or non-Jesus, Christmas song.
[Cartman raises his hand]
Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?
Cartman: How about we sing Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch in D minor.

TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: I feel kinda nauseous.
Tom: Yes, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage, all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]
Mr. Garrison: Arrgh!
Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?
Mr. Garrison: [throws up] Stop! That movie was terrible!
Tom: I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest and I'll check on you a little later.
Mr. Garrison: Sat through that entire movie to see the alien and it was her goddamn father!

TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: I'm going to do what I've always wanted to do: hang out and screw hot chicks!

TV Show: South Park
Wendy: Stan, we're still Valentines, right?
Stan: Sure, Wendy, whatever.

TV Show: South Park
Wendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
Wendy: I couldn't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend Stan.
Ms. Ellen: Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young and cute and full of life...
Wendy: Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?
Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
Wendy: [flips her off] Don't fuck with me!
Ms. Ellen: What?!
Wendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man, bitch or I'll whoop your sorry ho-ass back to last year! [sweetly] Bye, Ms. Ellen!

TV Show: South Park
Wendy: I told her, Don't.... Fuck... with.... Wendy... Testaburger!!!!!!

TV Show: South Park
Barbra Streisand: You know who I am?
Officer Barbrady: Well you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple I don't give a rat's ass!
Barbra Streisand: [screams in anger]
Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!

TV Show: South Park
Stan: Wow, Robert Smith is the greatest person who ever lived!
Jesus: Our savior!

TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure sucked.
Stan: Yeah, I'm sure glad it's over.
Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power, a lot of power, always end up dead.
Cartman: Yeah, and I've learned something too. Robert Smith kicks ass!

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hun.
Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
Mrs. Cartman: Uh-huh.
Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad and my friend Kenny has a dad?
Mrs. Cartman: Yes?
[long pause]
Mrs. Cartman: Well, what's your question, hun?
Cartman: Goddammit, do I have a dad?!
Mrs. Cartman: Oh!
Cartman: I wanna know where I came from.
Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.
Cartman: Uh-huh...
Mrs. Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
[long pause]
Cartman: So who put his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha?

TV Show: South Park