South Park Quotes

Chef's Father: Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?
Stan: You're Chef's parents?
Chef's Mother: Yes, all his life.
Kyle: [in a hurry] We have to talk to him!
Chef's Father: Well, he should be out now directly.
Chef's Mother: He's so excited about the wedding now.
Chef's Father: Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness Monster?
Stan: No, that's okay.
Chef's Father: Ooh, it must have been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out of the water.
Chef's Mother: We was so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, what on earth is that creature?"
Chef's Father: It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...
Chef's Mother: Oh, it was so scary!
Chef's Father: ...and I yelled, I said, "What do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said, "I need about tree-fitty."
[long pause]
Kyle: What's tree-fitty?
Chef's Father: Three dollars and fifty cents.
Chef's Mother: Tree-fitty.
Stan: He wanted money?
Chef's Father: That's right. I said, "I ain't givin' you no tree-fitty, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster! Get your own goddamn money!"
Chef's Mother: I gave him a dollar.
Chef's Father: She gave him a dollar.
Chef's Mother: I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.
Chef's Father: Well, of course he's not gonna go away, Mary! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you've got more!

TV Show: South Park
Priest Maxi: Do you, Chef, take this woman as your lawful-wedded wife, to have and to-
Chef: I do!
Chef's Mother: Aaah, my baby's getting married!
Priest Maxi: And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be your daddy?

TV Show: South Park
Mr. Adler: Don't screw around in Shop Class!

TV Show: South Park
[After writing a suicide note, Mr. Adler lies on a conveyor belt and it takes him feet-first to a buzz-saw, which he hopes will kill him]
Mr. Adler: Jesus Christ! [sits up and repositions himself to go head-first] What was I thinking? That would've hurt like hell!

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I guess you don't want to hear what he said about your mom?
Craig: Nope! [slams the door shut]
Cartman: [surprised] Goddammit. [knocks on door again. Craig answers again] Oh, I guess you don't want to hear what he had to say about your guinea pig?
Craig: Said what?! What did he say about Stripe?
Cartman: Nothing much, just that you stick it up your ass before you go to bed every night.
Craig: That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!

TV Show: South Park
Mayor: You're supposed to lose, you idiot!
Officer Barbrady: Where am I?
[From this point on the male Jakovasaur is known as Jakov]
Jakov: Whoo, Niners! Go, Niners!
Randy Marsh: Uh we're rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov.
Jakov: [pause] Whooooo, Niners!

TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon? [everybody around him raises his or her hand] Oh, whatever!

TV Show: South Park
Department of Interior Guy: Young man, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior person. You are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them.
Cartman: [disbelieving pause]I have authoritah?

TV Show: South Park
Jimbo: Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new voice box [teases Ned a while] Want it? You want it? Yeah, you want it. Here. Try it out, Ned.
Ned: [in an Irish accent] Ah, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough for the new voice box. [realizes he's got an Irish accent] What the devil is this, then?
Jimbo: Aw, no! I must've picked up the Irish model by mistake.
Ned: [still in an Irish accent] Oh, what a bloody pickle this is. Did ya keep the receipt then?

TV Show: South Park
Stan: Oh, no, there's nothing worse than Cartman with authoritah!

TV Show: South Park
[The boys are camping by the pond]
Cartman: Hey guys, check out this song I made up, it's called "I hate you guys." [singing] I hate you guys! You guys are assholes! Especially Kenny! I hate him the most!

TV Show: South Park
Sexual Harrassment Panda Song: Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?
Sexual Harrassment… Panda!
Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?
Sexual Harrassment… Panda!
Don't say that, don't touch there…
Don't be nasty says the silly bear!
He's come to tell you what's right and wrong…
Sexual Harrassment… Panda!


TV Show: South Park
Gerald: You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And democrats make sexual harrassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace, and what we can and can't do in the workplace.
Kyle: Isn't that fascism?
Gerald: No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?
Kyle: Do you?

TV Show: South Park
Sexual Harrassment Panda: When one Panda puts his furry little willy in another Panda's ear, that makes me a saaaaaaaaad Panda.

TV Show: South Park
Sexual Harrassment Panda: How would you like a big Panda punch in your puss?

TV Show: South Park
Skeeter: Hey Panda Bear! We don't take kindly to your types around here.
Bartender: Now Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
Skeeter: No! I wanna know something from Mr. Panda Bear here. If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you only eat bamboo which is prone to grow in dryer, more arid regions?

TV Show: South Park
Another misfit mascot: Hello kids, I'm Harry the 'don't do stuff that might irritate your inner ear' badger.

TV Show: South Park
Worm: Hello there, boys.
Stan: Whoa! Who are you?
Worm: I'm Willy, the "Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun" Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?
Boys: Yes.
Willy: That can burn your retinas and make you blind. [pulls out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and sticks the cane out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his props away]
Stan: ...Thanks a lot, dude.
Pig: [rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors around] Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the "Run Around With Scissors" Pig.
Cartman: I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.
Willy: That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots. [Oinky walks away]

TV Show: South Park
Shelley: They're having a cat orgy!

TV Show: South Park
Cartman: They mostly come out at night...mostly.

TV Show: South Park
Skyler: Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check. Okay, ready? All right, let's try the new song. This is a song I wrote for you, Shelley... When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelley, Shelley.
Cartman: Aw, man, you guys suck.
Skyler: Now that we're together I'm absolutely sure that she's Shelley, Shelley.
Cartman: You're the crappiest band I have ever heard!
Skyler: Move into my mom's house with me, Shelley, Shelley.

TV Show: South Park
Skyler: I pledge allegience...to the flag...of the United States of...Shelley, Shelley!

TV Show: South Park
Pip: Can I be Jaclyn Smith? Can I?
Butters: No, uh, I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See, I thought of Charlie's Angels and I get to be Jaclyn Smith c-cause I thought of it.

TV Show: South Park
Gerald: Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I'm not going to let it--
Randy: We did not share an intimate moment, okay? That makes it sound gay!

TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just grabbed Principal Victoria's ass.

TV Show: South Park
Butters: Oh dear God, they're gonna set us on fire. Oh great Jesus son of Mary, wife of Joseph! What are we gonna do, huh? Oh sweet Joseph, husband of Mary but not father of sweet Jesus.

TV Show: South Park
Pip: We were just playing a game called Wickershams and Ducklers. Do you want to play?
Stan: No.
Pip: I'm the head Wickerknicker. And you are all little Wickershams. We all sing the merry tune of Stratford until I yell, "Turrah!" and then you all fall down laughing, and I join you, as I find it funny too.

TV Show: South Park
Jimbo: We're all a little gay.

TV Show: South Park
ATF Agent: We're not gonna let them commit suicide, even if we have to kill them.

TV Show: South Park
Moses: I desire…macaroni pictures.

TV Show: South Park