Mind of Mencia Quotes
Announcer: The vaguvinator! Vaguvinate your vagina and make him think it's your first time, every time!
Movie: Mind of Mencia
Host: [to Spanish customer who cusses at him as she walks out] I know Spanish too, Punta!
Movie: Mind of Mencia
[Carlos Mencia is sitting on a bench at a park. Right next to him is a heavy-set person wearing jeans and a plaid shirt, drinking from a water fountain. Mencia notices a set of keys lying on the ground next to the person]
Host: Hey, bro. You dropped your keys. [the person looks at him, turning out to be a woman]
Fountain Drinker: Who are you calling, 'bro,' *****? [spits water]
Fountain Drinker: [Carlos looks towards the camera in embarrassment]
Host: Hey, bro. You dropped your keys. [the person looks at him, turning out to be a woman]
Fountain Drinker: Who are you calling, 'bro,' *****? [spits water]
Fountain Drinker: [Carlos looks towards the camera in embarrassment]
Movie: Mind of Mencia
Young Woman: Confucius Carlos as a vegetarian I believe that all of god's creatures are sacred, what can we do to stop people from eating poor defenseless animals?
TV Show: Mind of Mencia
Carlos: (sounding like mix of Elmer Fudd, Bruce Lee and Asian wiseman) Ahh yes, meat! Meat has protein, protein makes testosterone, testosterone makes guys want to bang you! So do you really want guys to stop eating meat? Unless you are 'softball player', I suggest you go home and make your man a big fat steak for dinner so he'll have some of your pie for dessert. Confucius Carlos Has spoken.
TV Show: Mind of Mencia
Asian Weakling: Woman is only vegetarian, because she has never tasted any of my meat. Do you have question for Confucius Carlos.
TV Show: Mind of Mencia
Carlos: Well I have question for you, why do white guys do crazy shit like climb a mountain? You will go to the top of the mountain, you will go to the moon, you will go to the North Pole to meet a polar bear, but you will not go to Compton for a barbeque for fear of the "Black People"? Confucius Carlos Has spoken.
TV Show: Mind of Mencia
Asian Weakling: He who has time to climb world's tallest mountain must also be world's biggest virgin!
TV Show: Mind of Mencia
Football Fan: I've traveled over 5000 miles to you this very important question. Who should I pick for my Fantasy Football team?
TV Show: Mind of Mencia
Carlos: The only fantasy here is the one where you are not a big fat loser. What you don't know is that while you are on your on the internet playing fantasy football, your girlfriend was living out her fantasy getting boned by a real football player, and let's put it this way: he is not white. Why don't you use the internet for what it was created for, looking at asian pornography? Confucius Carlos has spoken.
TV Show: Mind of Mencia
Asian Weakling: About fantasy sports, here is a fact. It's the only sport that whites can play better than blacks.
TV Show: Mind of Mencia
Teenager holding a joint: Confucius Carlos, all these big corporations are raping and murdering the earth, is there any way to stop them?
TV Show: Mind of Mencia
Carlos: You reefer-smoking retards all claim to hate big business, but the first thing you do when you get so stoned you don't even know what day of the year it is, is rent movies from Blockbuster, order pizza from Domino's, drink Budweiser and play the Playstation from SONY. If you really want to help the earth, you must kill yourselves 'Doobie Hauser M.Dee-Dee-Dee'. Confucius Carlos has spoken.
TV Show: Mind of Mencia
Asian Weakling: Confucius Carlos has excellent point, but I'll give you five bucks for a puff of that joint.
TV Show: Mind of Mencia
Carlos: Silence, I must meditate, ohmmmm, ohmmmmmmm, ohmmMMY GOD, LOOK AT THOSE HUGE TITS!
TV Show: Mind of Mencia
Woman with Large Breasts: That's exactly the reason I came here Confucius Carlos, everyone seems to be more interested in my breasts, I just want to be taken seriously.
TV Show: Mind of Mencia
Carlos: *breaking character* Look, bitch, the only reason you got them implants was to get attention from men, so congratulations, you got a return on your investment. If you want me to look into your eyes when you speak, you better say something that's waaaay more interesting than those two Midgets on your chest.
TV Show: Mind of Mencia
Asian Weakling: *staring at woman leaving* Don't be a hater. I'm just staring now so I can masturbate later.
TV Show: Mind of Mencia