Gavin and Stacey Quotes

Nessa: You got summit on ya face

Movie: Gavin and Stacey
Nessa: Six quid for two slices of pizza. They takes the piss these Cockneys.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Smithy (talking about Nessa): This is a nightmare of epic proportions.
Gavin: What's wrong with her?
Smithy: A, how old is it? B, have you seen the tattoo? And three, look at the size of it!
[Stacey and Nessa return from the bathroom]
Gavin: Been powdering your nose?
Nessa: Oh thanks Stace, thanks alot. Look, let's get one thing straight. I dont touch that shit no more, alrite? I did and now I don't. So let that be an end to it!
[Nessa and Stacey leave]
Smithy: And to top it all off, she's a drug addict.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Smithy (to Gavin about Nessa): You got any johnnies? I ain't going in there bareback.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Smithy: I'm so ravenous I can barely see.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Smithy (drunk doing the pub quiz): Question 30 is, erm... Oh, is, erm... Is erm... Oh! I know the answer. Kriss Akabusi.
Mick: Unbelievable.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Pam (to Gavin and Stacey): Just to say, your Dad's out for the count and I'll put me ear plugs in. So let yourselves go. Don't worry about a thing. Night.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Stacey: I need your advice, I do.
Nessa: Go for it.
Stacey: Should I tell Gav about the other engagements? Or should I just leave it? Thing is, things are going so lush and if I tell him I might just wreck everything. And it's not that big a deal is it?
Nessa: That depends. This reminds me of a very similar situation I was in with my second husband, Clive. I was faced with a dilemma, whether to lie, or not to lie. And I chose to tell the truth.
Stacey: And what happened?
Nessa: He died. Firing squad. Terrible way to go Stace and I wouldn't like to see it happen to you. Smugglers we were. If it weren't for my relationship with John Prescott I'd still be in that jail right now. So yeah, in answer to your question, I'd say no, don't tell him.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Nessa: I don't know you from Adam. And he's been barred twice.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Pam (holding shopping bags): Oh, by the way, this food isn't food food. Oh, God, no. Everyones catered for. Catered for everyone well in advance, no. It's just that this morning, before you arrived, I became a vegetarian. Yeah, veggie, so that's what this is. Out of interest, any one of you vegetarians? I mean, not that it makes any difference to me either way. I mean, we're all adults.
Mick: Pam!
Pam: But, I would ask you to respect my views. And all the little animals who've been needlessly murdered in the name of Western Civilised greed.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
[After Nessa and Smithy both take the same plate]
Smithy: No, you're alright, take it.
Nessa: No, you take it.
Smithy: I don't want it. It's fine.
Nessa: But you like taking it.
Smithy: Right. That's out of order. I've got a girlfriend that this family know so...
Nessa: Oh, get a life, Smithy.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Mick: Do you drive Nessa?
Nessa: I don't Mick, which is a shame, cos I loves a good ride.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Pam (to Gwen): Oh, give it a rest, you leek-munching sheep-shagger!

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Stacey: You are coming to this wedding fair, aren't you?
Bryn: I can't wait. I was so excited last night, I couldn't get to sleep till half-past ten!

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
[In the car playing 'Cruise, Marry, Shag']
Mick: Say it!
Smithy: Go on!
Gavin: Alright, alright, so I'd have to shag Pauline Fowler wouldn't I? Can we stop now?

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Pam: Do you know, I said to Mick, if we had another son, I'd of loved him to be a homosexual. You know, for fashion advice and emotional support.
Gwen: Jason's good as gold like that. I miss him terribly, I do. Lights up a room.
Pam: Aaw! Like a little Will Young.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
[Trying on a wedding dress]
Stacey: I know it's white, right. But who can honestly say, hand on heart, they're a virgin these days?

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Magician: I can saw the bride in half. I can saw the groom in half. I can saw the best man in half.
Bryn: Can you saw me in half?
Magician: What relationship are you to the bride or groom?
Bryn: Bride's uncle.
Magician: No.
Bryn: But, hang on! Her father, my brother, he's dead! See?
Magician: Oh right. Yeah, well, that does change things.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Pam: You're gonna have to smuggle me some meat!
Mick: How?
Pam: Put it in your pocket.
Mick: Chilli con carne in my pocket? Are you insane?

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
[When Gavin's phone starts ringing]
Gavin: Oh, it's Gareth Gates. I'll take it outside. He'll be ages.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Nessa: Oh! Stace. Don't get me wrong, but to be honest, at the end of the day, when all said and done...d'you know what I mean?
Everyone: Yeah.
Nessa: Simple as.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Bryn: On HTV Wales this morning, they said Cardiff town had been literally decimated by a group of unruly school girls. Joking I am! It wasn't on the news. Although, on the news, there was a story about a group of school girls who actually stabbed a teacher, which I think is disgusting.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Bryn (to Gavin): I am picking you up at seven. We're going straight down the Dolphin for a right good knees-up. Me cockney sparr-ah!

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Bryn: You're looking lovely Ness, very nice.
Nessa: Don't start, Bryn. You had your chance, you never took it.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Gavin (Talking about Jason): If I was gay, I think I'd like to be like him.
Smithy: Yeah, me too.
Gavin: You? Well, you'd have to lose a bit of weight.
Smithy: Why?
Gavin: Well, fat gays are like outcasts.
Smithy: No, they're not.
Gavin: Dale Winton, Graham Norton, George Michael. Who's not in their gang? Russel Grant.
Smithy: Russel Grant's not gay.
Gavin: He is fat though.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Mick: You got those maps?
Smithy: Shit!
Mick: Oh, you're kidding me!
Smithy: I left them at Lucy's. She was colouring them in.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Nessa: How it's going, all right?
Smithy: Ok, I'm glad you brought it up. Cos, I've got a girlfriend who alot of people here know, so I'd appreciate it...
Nessa: Where to's she now then?
Smithy: What?
Nessa: Where to's she now?
Smithy: Right, either speak English or learn Welsh. Cos that 'Where to's she...?' Do you mean where is she now?
Nessa: Yeah.
Smithy: Say that, then.
Nessa: Where is she now?
Smithy: Sixth-formers' netball tournament in Southend. She couldn't get out of it. She's wing attack.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Doris: Mr and Mrs Shipman? That's bad luck by anyones standards.
Griff: What now?
Doris: Well she lives for the day she change her name from West, what with all the connotations and what have you, and what does she become? A Shipman.
Griff: Ah, that's very unfortunate. I don't know which is worse.
Doris: Surely Shipman?
Griff: Well, it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.
Doris: It was more than half a dozen, Griff. It was 'undreds.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Bryn (messing with his new digital camera): I've got night mode. Black and white. Use that later, probably, for effect. Er... Sepia, see-pia. I don't know how you say it. Got a feeling it's faulty. Just makes everything go brown.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey
Nessa (talking about Smithy): I just can't believe this, Stace. Of all the people I've slept with, it's him that gets me pregnant. Not Nigel Havers, not John Prescott, not any of Goldie Lookin Chain. No, some knobhead from Essex.

TV Show: Gavin and Stacey