Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Tom Servo: What do you think the lesson of the movie was?
Crow: Don't watch it.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Where are you going, General?
Crow: I'm going to Berlin to personally shoot that paper-hanging-son-of-a-bitch.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Why do we have to pray for the mads?
Joel: Well, I think they're watching and they control my oxygen.
Dr. Forrester: We don't want you to pray for us, we want you to pray to us!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Why you know this coffee tastes like it came out of an oil derrick. What'd you strain it through, a mummy?
Crow T. Robot: Yeah, the coffee tastes like mud. Roger Mudd.
Tom Servo: Well the coffee wasn't half as bad as the dinner.
Joel: Well, I only burn it when you come home drunk.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, so you burn it every night?
Joel: Oh, don't bring that up again.
Crow T. Robot: I have to bring it up; if I hold it in I'll die.
Tom Servo: Dye! That's what this coffee tastes like. Dye!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Wow, they're establishing the hell out of this building here.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Y'ah know I'm good at this. I should have started killing long ago.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Y'ah know it's spring when the Executioners start getting in the house.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Yes, and after all that, our hero is down with one punch.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Y'know, Mike, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and the best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful. If you just take the time to look at it.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Doomsday Satellite: Welcome! You have passed through the first three thresholds of the Isaac Asimov Literary Satellite! Enter the disarm code or enjoy the consequences. Remember, this and all literary works of the last century are the sole property of Isaac Asimov and his many affiliates. Thank you for intruding, you have five seconds.
Crow T. Robot: Quick Joel, cut EVERY wire!
Joel: It's not gonna work, it needs an access code.
Tom Servo: Try ego!
Crow T. Robot: Sideburns!
Joel: I'll try "I, Robot."
Doomsday Satellite: [buzz] I'm sorry, the correct entry would have been "copyright" you now have six nanoseconds to realize the consequences.
Joel, Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot: [there is a cloud of smoke, when it clears Joel and the bots are babbling and have sideburns - they stop] Huh?
Joel: This cockamamie satellite's turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs!
Crow T. Robot: Hey, do you think it's a conspiracy?
Tom Servo: Oh, no, I covered the conspiracy topic in my ten-volume history of assassinations and coups!
Joel: This is TERRIBLE guys.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, I don't know, at least now I'll have something to write about. You know, I've been thinking about annotating the Manhattan phone directory.
Tom Servo: Oh, look, it's Commercial Sign. That'll fit nicely into my volume on the effects of advertising on the human psyche.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: [a character is in a tree] A separate piece... of *crap*!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: [about a man who just had his arm ripped off] And ironically he collapses into an arm chair
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: [during a dance number] I think this is a can-can't.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: [looking in book] So these are the catch-phrases I can choose from?
Crow: Yep. Oh, here's a good one! "Kiss off, slappy!"
Mike Nelson: Nah, that's not really me. Oh, here's one that oughta get the kids going! "We're all out of toner!" [pause]
Mike Nelson: [slightly unsure] Uh, "Don't run on my wet floor?" [pause]
Mike Nelson: [very unsure now] "Secretary... please read off the m-minutes from... "
Crow: Oh, geez...
Tom Servo: Pathetic! Mike, knock it off!
Mike Nelson: Oh, Pearl's calling!
Tom Servo: I said, cut it out, Mike!
Mike Nelson: No, see, she is! See?
Tom Servo: Oh, yeah, sorry!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: [on the bad guys inability to kill the hero] Too bad they set their phasers to miss.
Tom Servo: Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow giant white thing?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: [Ortega clumsily throws someone to the ground] Worst Katshu.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: [reading the opening credits] Oh dear. The size of the word 'presents' makes me think they're a little sheepish.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: [seeing a tree monster] Man, his performance is so wooden.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: [singing] I love tick infested hounds; slaughtering a deer; and beer.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: [still reading credits] Oh, Ray Dennis Steckler, that explains a LOT.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: [the hero is stuck in a tree] Oh, he's looking for honey, like Pooh.
Crow: He's like poo alright.
Tom Servo: Maybe it's Endor, hopefully he'll be ripped apart by Ewoks.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: [the hero stops his bike in front of an airplane] Stop! Or your propeller will grind me into hamburger!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: Ah, the bright promise of a disgusting new character!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: Ah, the bright promise of a disgusting new character.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: Ah. You clever bastard, so the editor is working with you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: All right, now watch how a MAN screams in horror.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Mike Nelson: And remember that if you are bitten by a bat, you will convulse and turn into one, it is a scientific fact.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000