Monk Quotes
[Monk has gone to the sheriff's office in Vintonville to report a UFO sighting]
Sheriff Fletcher: You saw a UFO?
Adrian Monk: No. No, I didn't say that.
Sheriff Fletcher: Oh. So, uh, was it an object?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Sheriff Fletcher: Uh, could you identify it?
Adrian Monk: No, no.
Sheriff Fletcher: And it was flying.
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Sheriff Fletcher: You add that all up, Mr. Monk, you've got yourself a UFO.
Sheriff Fletcher: You saw a UFO?
Adrian Monk: No. No, I didn't say that.
Sheriff Fletcher: Oh. So, uh, was it an object?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Sheriff Fletcher: Uh, could you identify it?
Adrian Monk: No, no.
Sheriff Fletcher: And it was flying.
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Sheriff Fletcher: You add that all up, Mr. Monk, you've got yourself a UFO.
TV Show: Monk
[The sheriff has been shot and he and Natalie are stuck in the hills. They hear someone howling]
Natalie Teeger: I'm going to ask you if that was a coyote, and you say "no." Was that a coyote?
Sheriff Fletcher: No.
Natalie Teeger: Really, was that a coyote?
Sheriff Fletcher: Yeah.
Natalie Teeger: I'm going to ask you if that was a coyote, and you say "no." Was that a coyote?
Sheriff Fletcher: No.
Natalie Teeger: Really, was that a coyote?
Sheriff Fletcher: Yeah.
TV Show: Monk
[The Sheriff's been shot]
Sheriff Fletcher: One of us is going to have to go get help. The highway's about 15 miles that way.
Adrian Monk: All right, Natalie and I will go.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, we can't leave him, he's been shot.
Adrian Monk: All right. Natalie and I will stay here.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he can't walk.
Adrian Monk: Well, what do you suggest, Natalie? Do you have any ideas at all?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, you get help, I stay here and take care of the sheriff.
Adrian Monk: Any ideas at all? Because if you do I'd really like to hear them.
Sheriff Fletcher: One of us is going to have to go get help. The highway's about 15 miles that way.
Adrian Monk: All right, Natalie and I will go.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, we can't leave him, he's been shot.
Adrian Monk: All right. Natalie and I will stay here.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, he can't walk.
Adrian Monk: Well, what do you suggest, Natalie? Do you have any ideas at all?
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, you get help, I stay here and take care of the sheriff.
Adrian Monk: Any ideas at all? Because if you do I'd really like to hear them.
TV Show: Monk
Monk: [to a nearby couple at an outdoor cafe, after he shoves Harold Krenshaw] What the hell are you looking at? Finish your Shirley Temple!
TV Show: Monk
Monk: [looking at a glass of iced tea] Looks like BM.
Disher: It's iced tea.
Monk: Heat it up.
Disher: So, you want tea?
Monk: No, I want warm iced tea!
Disher: It's iced tea.
Monk: Heat it up.
Disher: So, you want tea?
Monk: No, I want warm iced tea!
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: [looking at a photo of Frank DePalma] Oh my God! It's me!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's your twin!
Lt. Randall Disher: That's your doppelgänger. They say everyone's got one.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who says that?
Lt. Randall Disher: People... and their doppelgängers.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's your twin!
Lt. Randall Disher: That's your doppelgänger. They say everyone's got one.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who says that?
Lt. Randall Disher: People... and their doppelgängers.
TV Show: Monk
[Lola has learned that "DePalma" has a new girlfriend]
Lola: What was her name?
Adrian Monk: Natalie. Natalie Teegerb. [In the FBI van, everyone turns their eyes on Natalie]
Lola: Teegerb?
Adrian Monk: With a "B" on the end. It's Canadian. it's French Canadian.
Lola: What was her name?
Adrian Monk: Natalie. Natalie Teegerb. [In the FBI van, everyone turns their eyes on Natalie]
Lola: Teegerb?
Adrian Monk: With a "B" on the end. It's Canadian. it's French Canadian.
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer's reaction when Monk uses a variant of Natalie's name in conversation with Lola]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well I guess you have a date, "Miss Teegerb."
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well I guess you have a date, "Miss Teegerb."
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is run through Frank DePalma's biography by Agent Stone]
Agent Stone: You were born and raised?
Adrian Monk: 829 Chambers Street, Allston, Massachusetts, 1953. Parents Joseph and Helen. He was professional gambler; died when I was 14. [Stone presses a button. The projector shows DePalma's mugshot]
Agent Stone: Your first arrest?
Adrian Monk: October 27, 1997, assault and battery. I did two and a half years at Joliet, and my cellmate's name was Barry "The Maggot" Franklin. [Stone changes the projector to an image of a man on his cell phone]
Agent Stone: Your first contract kill?
Adrian Monk: November 13, 1999, Key West - real estate billionaire Donnie Hernandez. I blew up his yacht; made it look like a fuel leak.
Agent Stone: You were born and raised?
Adrian Monk: 829 Chambers Street, Allston, Massachusetts, 1953. Parents Joseph and Helen. He was professional gambler; died when I was 14. [Stone presses a button. The projector shows DePalma's mugshot]
Agent Stone: Your first arrest?
Adrian Monk: October 27, 1997, assault and battery. I did two and a half years at Joliet, and my cellmate's name was Barry "The Maggot" Franklin. [Stone changes the projector to an image of a man on his cell phone]
Agent Stone: Your first contract kill?
Adrian Monk: November 13, 1999, Key West - real estate billionaire Donnie Hernandez. I blew up his yacht; made it look like a fuel leak.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie enter Stottlemeyer's office]
Natalie Teeger: Captain, do you have a minute? Mr. Monk would like to say something.
Adrian Monk: [from outside] Sorry.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you have to do it in person.
[Monk comes into the room]
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry.
Natalie Teeger: Show him the card. Go ahead, read it. [Monk pulls the card from his jacket]
Adrian Monk: "I was 'udderly' wrong." It's a cow. Udders. "I'm sorry if I upset you. Please give me another chance. I would hate for my careless gesture to spoil our fine romance." It's the only one they had.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Monk. I realize how hard this must have been for you to have Natalie buy it for you.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, I bought it, but Mr. Monk paid for it. Or he will.
Natalie Teeger: Captain, do you have a minute? Mr. Monk would like to say something.
Adrian Monk: [from outside] Sorry.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, you have to do it in person.
[Monk comes into the room]
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry.
Natalie Teeger: Show him the card. Go ahead, read it. [Monk pulls the card from his jacket]
Adrian Monk: "I was 'udderly' wrong." It's a cow. Udders. "I'm sorry if I upset you. Please give me another chance. I would hate for my careless gesture to spoil our fine romance." It's the only one they had.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Monk. I realize how hard this must have been for you to have Natalie buy it for you.
Natalie Teeger: Okay, I bought it, but Mr. Monk paid for it. Or he will.
TV Show: Monk
D.A. Charles Friedken: Now, did everyone review the grand jury transcripts and the follow-up reports?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Friedken, don't worry. They can do this in their sleep.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: In fact, on at least two occasions, Lieutenant Disher has.
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Friedken, don't worry. They can do this in their sleep.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: In fact, on at least two occasions, Lieutenant Disher has.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk squeals through clenched teeth when trying to describe Evan Gildea's sculpture]
Harrison Powell: Mr. Monk, are you okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm fine.
Judge Santa Croce: You were making a noise.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Judge Santa Croce: Could you read that back, please?
Court Stenographer: "Witness: The defendant removed a sheet revealing a naked eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...."
Harrison Powell: Mr. Monk, are you okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm fine.
Judge Santa Croce: You were making a noise.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Judge Santa Croce: Could you read that back, please?
Court Stenographer: "Witness: The defendant removed a sheet revealing a naked eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...."
TV Show: Monk
Harrison Powell: Do you really want to go up against me again, Former Detective Monk?
Adrian Monk: Yes I do. I'll see you on the ball field.
Harrison Powell: The ball field?
Adrian Monk: I've seen your curveball. I can hit it now.
Harrison Powell: : Oh, I'm really looking forward to this.
Adrian Monk: No, you're not.
Adrian Monk: Yes I do. I'll see you on the ball field.
Harrison Powell: The ball field?
Adrian Monk: I've seen your curveball. I can hit it now.
Harrison Powell: : Oh, I'm really looking forward to this.
Adrian Monk: No, you're not.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: You're going to do great. You've seen his curveball.
Adrian Monk: I don't even know what that means. I can't believe I'm doing this again.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm proud of you, man. Your'e getting back on the horse.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, Monk, okay, a couple of suggestions. Just a thought, maybe work on not crying--I mean, not quite so much in front of the jury.
Adrian Monk: Okay, that's a good note.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, also, you can think "mayday" all you want, but it's probably a mistake to yell the word "mayday" from the witness stand.
Adrian Monk: Did I do that?
Natalie Teeger: Just a couple times.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: More than a couple of times.
Adrian Monk: I'd better write these down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There are no timeouts.
Natalie Teeger: Right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No do-overs.
Natalie Teeger: No heavy, heavy, sweating.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, no, no, no.
Adrian Monk: I don't even know what that means. I can't believe I'm doing this again.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm proud of you, man. Your'e getting back on the horse.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, Monk, okay, a couple of suggestions. Just a thought, maybe work on not crying--I mean, not quite so much in front of the jury.
Adrian Monk: Okay, that's a good note.
Natalie Teeger: Yeah, also, you can think "mayday" all you want, but it's probably a mistake to yell the word "mayday" from the witness stand.
Adrian Monk: Did I do that?
Natalie Teeger: Just a couple times.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: More than a couple of times.
Adrian Monk: I'd better write these down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: There are no timeouts.
Natalie Teeger: Right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No do-overs.
Natalie Teeger: No heavy, heavy, sweating.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No, no, no, no.
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer notices that Randy is not present in Callie Esterhaus's hotel room]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where the hell is Randy?
Natalie Teeger: Oh, I sent him out to get a newspaper.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You? You, you sent Randy out? Well, who are you, the new police commissioner?
Natalie Teeger: The morning edition comes out at midnight. They're gonna review Julie's play!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For the love of god, he's a police lieutenant, not a bellhop! Though maybe he is.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Where the hell is Randy?
Natalie Teeger: Oh, I sent him out to get a newspaper.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You? You, you sent Randy out? Well, who are you, the new police commissioner?
Natalie Teeger: The morning edition comes out at midnight. They're gonna review Julie's play!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: For the love of god, he's a police lieutenant, not a bellhop! Though maybe he is.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are at Winberrie's, questioning a colleague of Callie Esterhaus]
Lt. Randall Disher: We, uh, found a date book in her apartment. She referred to a man by initial - J. Does that mean anything? [He starts to write something in his notebook]
Miranda: Maybe his name began with a J?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did you just write that down?
Lt. Randall Disher: I put a question mark after it.
[A few feet away, Natalie is grousing about Hannigan's review of Julie's play]
Natalie Teeger: "A corny-cliche filled performance"?! How can he say that?! [Monk walks over]
Adrian Monk: I thought you threw that out!
Natalie Teeger: I bought another one!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, stop torturing yourself! You've become obsessed with this review.
Natalie Teeger: Look who's talking!
Adrian Monk: That's true. Okay, I get obsessed too, but I can handle it. I've had years of experience.
Natalie Teeger: How can he call her forgettable? My daughter is not forgettable! [Monk tries to shush Natalie as Stottlemeyer, exasperated, comes over]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me! I'm sorry to interrupt you, but what homicide case are you working on? Because we're working on the Callie Esterhaus case. Maybe you remember that? Natalie, forget the review.
Natalie Teeger: He broke my little girl's heart.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Julie's a tough kid.
Natalie Teeger: He called her forgettable!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well don't just stand here whining about it! Why don't you go yell at what's-his-face, the critic? His office is five blocks up the street. [Natalie takes off] Sorry about that. She's had a tough day.
Lt. Randall Disher: We, uh, found a date book in her apartment. She referred to a man by initial - J. Does that mean anything? [He starts to write something in his notebook]
Miranda: Maybe his name began with a J?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Did you just write that down?
Lt. Randall Disher: I put a question mark after it.
[A few feet away, Natalie is grousing about Hannigan's review of Julie's play]
Natalie Teeger: "A corny-cliche filled performance"?! How can he say that?! [Monk walks over]
Adrian Monk: I thought you threw that out!
Natalie Teeger: I bought another one!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, stop torturing yourself! You've become obsessed with this review.
Natalie Teeger: Look who's talking!
Adrian Monk: That's true. Okay, I get obsessed too, but I can handle it. I've had years of experience.
Natalie Teeger: How can he call her forgettable? My daughter is not forgettable! [Monk tries to shush Natalie as Stottlemeyer, exasperated, comes over]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Excuse me! I'm sorry to interrupt you, but what homicide case are you working on? Because we're working on the Callie Esterhaus case. Maybe you remember that? Natalie, forget the review.
Natalie Teeger: He broke my little girl's heart.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Julie's a tough kid.
Natalie Teeger: He called her forgettable!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well don't just stand here whining about it! Why don't you go yell at what's-his-face, the critic? His office is five blocks up the street. [Natalie takes off] Sorry about that. She's had a tough day.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: Can we talk to him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe not for a while. He's in a coma. So how do you know this guy?
Adrian Monk: He's-He's my men's room attendant.
Natalie Teeger: It was John Hannigan.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh no-
Natalie Teeger: It had to be him. He worked at the theater.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Teeger, give it a rest! Are you going to blame every crime in California on this man? [Monk looks at Gilson's belongings]
Adrian Monk: Nicotine gum?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah we already checked, he never smoked. It's probably a gift for somebody else.
[Monk looks at Gilson's wristwatch and its luminescent dial, and notices something]
Adrian Monk: Wait... don't hug me. You're gonna want to hug me, but don't hug me.
Natalie Teeger: Why?
Adrian Monk: You were right about Hannigan, he's the guy.
Natalie Teeger: [hugging Monk] Oh, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Maybe not for a while. He's in a coma. So how do you know this guy?
Adrian Monk: He's-He's my men's room attendant.
Natalie Teeger: It was John Hannigan.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh no-
Natalie Teeger: It had to be him. He worked at the theater.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Teeger, give it a rest! Are you going to blame every crime in California on this man? [Monk looks at Gilson's belongings]
Adrian Monk: Nicotine gum?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah we already checked, he never smoked. It's probably a gift for somebody else.
[Monk looks at Gilson's wristwatch and its luminescent dial, and notices something]
Adrian Monk: Wait... don't hug me. You're gonna want to hug me, but don't hug me.
Natalie Teeger: Why?
Adrian Monk: You were right about Hannigan, he's the guy.
Natalie Teeger: [hugging Monk] Oh, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk has explained how Hannigan committed the murder]
Natalie Teeger: [raising her hand, seriously] Excuse me. May I say something? [Monk nods. Natalie dances around, poking Stottlemeyer and Disher] I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! [After a few seconds, she stops]
Natalie Teeger: [raising her hand, seriously] Excuse me. May I say something? [Monk nods. Natalie dances around, poking Stottlemeyer and Disher] I knew it, I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! [After a few seconds, she stops]
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Hannigan's office]
John Hannigan: Captain, I hope this is important. I have a deadline in 37 minutes. Make that 36. [Natalie comes in]Her again? Do I have to get a restraining order? It was just a review; get over it!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Hannigan, this is not about the review or what happened to Callie Esterhaus. This is a completely different matter. [A rather nervous Julie comes in]
John Hannigan: Captain, I hope this is important. I have a deadline in 37 minutes. Make that 36. [Natalie comes in]Her again? Do I have to get a restraining order? It was just a review; get over it!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Mr. Hannigan, this is not about the review or what happened to Callie Esterhaus. This is a completely different matter. [A rather nervous Julie comes in]
TV Show: Monk
[Julie has told all about how Hannigan attempted to rape her]
John Hannigan: I've never seen this woman before in my life!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, how did she get your business card? She said you gave it to her.
John Hannigan: I don't know! I was home! I don't know this girl.
John Hannigan: I've never seen this woman before in my life!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, how did she get your business card? She said you gave it to her.
John Hannigan: I don't know! I was home! I don't know this girl.
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie hands Monk a check to recruit him to investigate]
Adrian Monk: What's this?
Natalie Teeger: A check for $300. I'm hiring you, Mr. Monk. I need your help. I can't do it myself.
Adrian Monk: Oh, this check's no good.
Natalie Teeger: That's sweet of you to say, but...
Adrian Monk: No, I mean it's literally no good. You can't cover this.
Natalie Teeger: Sure I can. I just deposited my paycheck on Wednesday.
Adrian Monk: Right. But I happen to know that that check is going to bounce. So this check is pretty much worthless.
Natalie Teeger: You wrote me a bad check? How could you do that?
Adrian Monk: I might ask you the same question.
Natalie Teeger: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Your check was bad first.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, there's no right and wrong here. It's all tangled up. One check, another check. It's like the chicken and the egg.
Natalie Teeger: No, it's not. There... there's no egg here. There's no egg. This is all chicken!
Adrian Monk: What's this?
Natalie Teeger: A check for $300. I'm hiring you, Mr. Monk. I need your help. I can't do it myself.
Adrian Monk: Oh, this check's no good.
Natalie Teeger: That's sweet of you to say, but...
Adrian Monk: No, I mean it's literally no good. You can't cover this.
Natalie Teeger: Sure I can. I just deposited my paycheck on Wednesday.
Adrian Monk: Right. But I happen to know that that check is going to bounce. So this check is pretty much worthless.
Natalie Teeger: You wrote me a bad check? How could you do that?
Adrian Monk: I might ask you the same question.
Natalie Teeger: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Your check was bad first.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, there's no right and wrong here. It's all tangled up. One check, another check. It's like the chicken and the egg.
Natalie Teeger: No, it's not. There... there's no egg here. There's no egg. This is all chicken!
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is ironing his magazines when he gets a phone call]
Adrian Monk: Hello?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Natalie?
Natalie Teeger: I'm sorry to call you so late.
Adrian Monk: Are you all right?
Natalie Teeger: I'm down at the police station.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing there? [Cuts to Natalie sitting in handcuffs at a table outside the holding cells]
Natalie Teeger: I've been arrested.
Adrian Monk: Hello?
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Natalie?
Natalie Teeger: I'm sorry to call you so late.
Adrian Monk: Are you all right?
Natalie Teeger: I'm down at the police station.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing there? [Cuts to Natalie sitting in handcuffs at a table outside the holding cells]
Natalie Teeger: I've been arrested.
TV Show: Monk
[As Coach Chauncey is encouraging Petey Cunningham, Martha Murphy is power-walking past the field]
Coach Chauncey: Looking good, Martha! You wanna play? We could use a center-fielder.
Martha Murphy: You trying to kill me, Chauncey?
Coach Chauncey: Don't talk like that; you're gonna outlive us all.
Coach Chauncey: Looking good, Martha! You wanna play? We could use a center-fielder.
Martha Murphy: You trying to kill me, Chauncey?
Coach Chauncey: Don't talk like that; you're gonna outlive us all.
TV Show: Monk
Harold Krenshaw: We need your strength, Neven. Your guidance. You're the beacon. you're the light that will see us through our darkest hour.
Rhonda: So, Harold, how is it up there in Neven's butt? You lonely? Getting scared of the dark?
Rhonda: So, Harold, how is it up there in Neven's butt? You lonely? Getting scared of the dark?
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie finds an important letter from Monk's HMO]
Natalie Teeger: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Natalie Teeger: It's from your HMO.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Don't open that.
Natalie Teeger: It says "important."
Adrian Monk: All the more reason--just throw it out.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe it's good news.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, good news from my HMO. What do you think--I won a free colonscopy?
Natalie Teeger: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Natalie Teeger: It's from your HMO.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Don't open that.
Natalie Teeger: It says "important."
Adrian Monk: All the more reason--just throw it out.
Natalie Teeger: Maybe it's good news.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, good news from my HMO. What do you think--I won a free colonscopy?
TV Show: Monk
[Monk and Natalie arrive at the police station]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk. We caught a weird one. I mean this is off the charts.
Adrian Monk: [noticing a new layout in the squad room] What happened?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, we rearranged the squad room. I guess I should start at the beginning: on Friday, a woman named Martha Murphy was killed. She was hit by a baseball. She was power-walking past a Little League field when a twelve year old kid named Petey Cunningham knocked one over the fence and beaned her, left temple. I mean what are the odds, right? A million to one? A billion to one, maybe.
Adrian Monk: You rearranged the squad room. Why?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's supposed to be more efficient. We've, uh, broken it down into five units. It's actually working out-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay-okay-okay. Get this: yesterday, Martha's family flies in from Denver. They go to her house; they're gonna get Grandma's affairs in order. Guess what they find? I mean, in 30 years of law enforcement, it's the darnest thing-
Adrian Monk: Here's what I don't quite get: What was the problem with the old layout? I mean the way it used to be was the way it always has been.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I haven't even gotten to the voodoo stuff yet.
Natalie Teeger: Voodoo?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk. We caught a weird one. I mean this is off the charts.
Adrian Monk: [noticing a new layout in the squad room] What happened?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh, we rearranged the squad room. I guess I should start at the beginning: on Friday, a woman named Martha Murphy was killed. She was hit by a baseball. She was power-walking past a Little League field when a twelve year old kid named Petey Cunningham knocked one over the fence and beaned her, left temple. I mean what are the odds, right? A million to one? A billion to one, maybe.
Adrian Monk: You rearranged the squad room. Why?
Lt. Randall Disher: It's supposed to be more efficient. We've, uh, broken it down into five units. It's actually working out-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay-okay-okay. Get this: yesterday, Martha's family flies in from Denver. They go to her house; they're gonna get Grandma's affairs in order. Guess what they find? I mean, in 30 years of law enforcement, it's the darnest thing-
Adrian Monk: Here's what I don't quite get: What was the problem with the old layout? I mean the way it used to be was the way it always has been.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, I haven't even gotten to the voodoo stuff yet.
Natalie Teeger: Voodoo?
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher are trying to figure out what really happened to Martha Murphy]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whaddaya think, act of God? [Monk nods] So how do you explain the doll?
Adrian Monk: I can't explain it, yet.
Lt. Randall Disher: What, you want me to start rounding up witch doctors?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That'd make a hell of a line up. [Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher chuckle to themselves, but Natalie is not impressed]
Natalie Teeger: You know what? It's not funny. I used to laugh about it, too.
Adrian Monk: About what?
Natalie Teeger: Voodoo. Black magic.
Adrian Monk: Wait, you don't actually believe in that stuff.
Natalie Teeger: Somebody predicted that that poor woman would get hit by a baseball three days before it happened! How would you explain it?
Adrian Monk: I don't know-
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I've got it. Well she came by here every day, Right? So maybe the killer was hiding behind that tree with a baseball gun.
Natalie Teeger: A baseball gun? There's no such thing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah but there are pitching machines.
Natalie Teeger: All right, how would your baseball gun killer-
Lt. Randall Disher: That's a good name for him actually.
Natalie Teeger: How would he know that a home run would be hit at exactly that moment? And what happened to the other baseball? [no response from Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher] It's voodoo, it's real, and it kills people!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, how about this? She had an insurance policy with a no-suicide clause. So she had to make it look like an accident. She came here, she waited for a home run to be hit. She grabs the ball...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Whaddaya think, act of God? [Monk nods] So how do you explain the doll?
Adrian Monk: I can't explain it, yet.
Lt. Randall Disher: What, you want me to start rounding up witch doctors?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: That'd make a hell of a line up. [Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher chuckle to themselves, but Natalie is not impressed]
Natalie Teeger: You know what? It's not funny. I used to laugh about it, too.
Adrian Monk: About what?
Natalie Teeger: Voodoo. Black magic.
Adrian Monk: Wait, you don't actually believe in that stuff.
Natalie Teeger: Somebody predicted that that poor woman would get hit by a baseball three days before it happened! How would you explain it?
Adrian Monk: I don't know-
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, I've got it. Well she came by here every day, Right? So maybe the killer was hiding behind that tree with a baseball gun.
Natalie Teeger: A baseball gun? There's no such thing.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yeah but there are pitching machines.
Natalie Teeger: All right, how would your baseball gun killer-
Lt. Randall Disher: That's a good name for him actually.
Natalie Teeger: How would he know that a home run would be hit at exactly that moment? And what happened to the other baseball? [no response from Monk, Stottlemeyer and Disher] It's voodoo, it's real, and it kills people!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, how about this? She had an insurance policy with a no-suicide clause. So she had to make it look like an accident. She came here, she waited for a home run to be hit. She grabs the ball...
TV Show: Monk