Monk Quotes
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [walks into his office with Disher and notices Rollins reclining in his chair] Sheriff Rollins, make yourself at home.
Sheriff John Rollins: You read the paper today?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I did. I read the sports page, and did the jumble.
Sheriff John Rollins: Nah, not the jumble. This. Page 5. [points to an article with the headline "Unidentified Body Found in Avalon Bay."] Male Caucasian. 5'11".
Lt. Randall Disher: Is it Monk?
Sheriff John Rollins: No. It's not Monk. I was at the morgue last night. Guy had a tattoo. I thought it was strange.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was strange?
Sheriff John Rollins: [stands up and walks around the desk to Stottlemeyer] Well. I'll tell you what was strange: you weren't there. Bulletin was sent in. It was in the daily log. You must have read it. Well, I'll be sticking around the campus for a few more days, in case anything else washes up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We can use all the help we can get.
Sheriff John Rollins: We've all got to suffer. [Rollins leaves and Randy casts a suspicious glance at his Captain]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
Lt. Randall Disher: That's a good question. Why didn't you check it out?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because I was busy! I was turning over rocks. [takes out a file] Trying to get a beat on that son-of-a-bitch. [Randy looks at Rollins's file]
Lt. Randall Disher: He just bought a second house near Catalina.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And a new BMW and look at this. [turns a few more pages and points to what seems to be a financial statement] He's got two offshore bank accounts. On a sheriff's salary. Randy, that guy
Sheriff John Rollins: You read the paper today?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I did. I read the sports page, and did the jumble.
Sheriff John Rollins: Nah, not the jumble. This. Page 5. [points to an article with the headline "Unidentified Body Found in Avalon Bay."] Male Caucasian. 5'11".
Lt. Randall Disher: Is it Monk?
Sheriff John Rollins: No. It's not Monk. I was at the morgue last night. Guy had a tattoo. I thought it was strange.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What was strange?
Sheriff John Rollins: [stands up and walks around the desk to Stottlemeyer] Well. I'll tell you what was strange: you weren't there. Bulletin was sent in. It was in the daily log. You must have read it. Well, I'll be sticking around the campus for a few more days, in case anything else washes up.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: We can use all the help we can get.
Sheriff John Rollins: We've all got to suffer. [Rollins leaves and Randy casts a suspicious glance at his Captain]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: What?
Lt. Randall Disher: That's a good question. Why didn't you check it out?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Because I was busy! I was turning over rocks. [takes out a file] Trying to get a beat on that son-of-a-bitch. [Randy looks at Rollins's file]
Lt. Randall Disher: He just bought a second house near Catalina.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And a new BMW and look at this. [turns a few more pages and points to what seems to be a financial statement] He's got two offshore bank accounts. On a sheriff's salary. Randy, that guy
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie confronts Stottlemeyer in private]
Natalie Teeger: It's him, isn't it? [Stottlemeyer drops his hand in defeat, no longer able to cover the story up. Natalie breaks down, sobbing] Oh, my god. Oh my god!
[Natalie's sorrow quickly turns to anger and she punches Stottlemeyer in the chest]
Natalie Teeger: Why didn't you tell me?!?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie! Natalie! Natalie! Natalie! [she calms down, but is still visibly angry at him] I am so sorry.
Natalie Teeger: You're sorry?!?! But how?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Bulletproof vest. We couldn't tell anybody. [looks at the newspaper] Leland Rodriguez, huh?
Natalie Teeger: That's his name!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well that's just stupid!
Natalie Teeger: What's he doing in Nevada?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's supposed to be avoiding attention; staying off the radar!
Natalie Teeger: He's all alone?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie, you can't tell anybody. You can't tell Randy; you can't even tell Julie.
Natalie Teeger: Randy doesn't know?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. I'm trying to protect him.
Natalie Teeger: From what?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm not sure. There's something going on here. That Sheriff Rollins, he framed Monk for shooting the six fingered man. You were there! They were gonna send Monk away forever! And it's not just Rollins. Rollins is working for somebody. May-maybe somebody in the Governor's office.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my god!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It may go higher than that. I'm not sure. I'm still working on it. I just need a little more time.
Natalie Teeger: I have
Natalie Teeger: It's him, isn't it? [Stottlemeyer drops his hand in defeat, no longer able to cover the story up. Natalie breaks down, sobbing] Oh, my god. Oh my god!
[Natalie's sorrow quickly turns to anger and she punches Stottlemeyer in the chest]
Natalie Teeger: Why didn't you tell me?!?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie! Natalie! Natalie! Natalie! [she calms down, but is still visibly angry at him] I am so sorry.
Natalie Teeger: You're sorry?!?! But how?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Bulletproof vest. We couldn't tell anybody. [looks at the newspaper] Leland Rodriguez, huh?
Natalie Teeger: That's his name!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well that's just stupid!
Natalie Teeger: What's he doing in Nevada?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: He's supposed to be avoiding attention; staying off the radar!
Natalie Teeger: He's all alone?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Natalie, you can't tell anybody. You can't tell Randy; you can't even tell Julie.
Natalie Teeger: Randy doesn't know?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: No. I'm trying to protect him.
Natalie Teeger: From what?!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'm not sure. There's something going on here. That Sheriff Rollins, he framed Monk for shooting the six fingered man. You were there! They were gonna send Monk away forever! And it's not just Rollins. Rollins is working for somebody. May-maybe somebody in the Governor's office.
Natalie Teeger: Oh my god!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: It may go higher than that. I'm not sure. I'm still working on it. I just need a little more time.
Natalie Teeger: I have
TV Show: Monk
Lt. Randall Disher: [practicing his funeral song for Stottlemeyer] "Why? [strings a few chords] Tell me why... did a good man have to die? / Shot down.... in his prime... 48...49..." [Stottlemeyer, by this point annoyed at the fact that the song has 15 verses, cuts him off]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, he's not dead! [Randy stops] We faked it. Monk jumped off the pier. [mimics splashing] He was wearing a bulletproof vest.
Lt. Randall Disher: He's alive? He's alive.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep, he's in hiding, until we figure out what the hell's going on.
Lt. Randall Disher: I can't believe it!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You okay?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I'm thrilled. Yeah, yeah, I just...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You look disappointed.
Lt. Randall Disher: Th-this is the best song I ever wrote.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, save it. It's a great song. He's gonna die one day.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, yeah. You're not gonna shoot him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You never know.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Randy, he's not dead! [Randy stops] We faked it. Monk jumped off the pier. [mimics splashing] He was wearing a bulletproof vest.
Lt. Randall Disher: He's alive? He's alive.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Yep, he's in hiding, until we figure out what the hell's going on.
Lt. Randall Disher: I can't believe it!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You okay?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I'm thrilled. Yeah, yeah, I just...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You look disappointed.
Lt. Randall Disher: Th-this is the best song I ever wrote.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Well, save it. It's a great song. He's gonna die one day.
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, yeah. You're not gonna shoot him?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You never know.
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: [looking through Rollins's papers] No, wait. Okay, there's a check for $10,000 made out to Angel County Children's Center.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] Angel County Children's Center. [Randy types this into the field of a business idenfication program on Stottlemeyer's computer. It doesn't find any matches.]
Lt. Randall Disher: No such animal.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, that check is dirty. Who wrote it?
Natalie Teeger: The Xanadu Corporation.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Disher] Xanadu Corporation. [Randy begins to type] No, "X". [Randy presses enter. One match comes up in his results.]
Lt. Randall Disher: [reading] Xanadu, a division of the Orpheum Investment Group... [more typing] which is owned by the Blue Danube Foundation...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Blue Danube Foundation?
Lt. Randall Disher: Which is owned by... [more typing] Oh my God. [Grimacing, Stottlemeyer lifts the phone to his ear... ]
Natalie Teeger: [to Monk] Who's Dale Biederbeck?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] Angel County Children's Center. [Randy types this into the field of a business idenfication program on Stottlemeyer's computer. It doesn't find any matches.]
Lt. Randall Disher: No such animal.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Okay, that check is dirty. Who wrote it?
Natalie Teeger: The Xanadu Corporation.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Disher] Xanadu Corporation. [Randy begins to type] No, "X". [Randy presses enter. One match comes up in his results.]
Lt. Randall Disher: [reading] Xanadu, a division of the Orpheum Investment Group... [more typing] which is owned by the Blue Danube Foundation...
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Blue Danube Foundation?
Lt. Randall Disher: Which is owned by... [more typing] Oh my God. [Grimacing, Stottlemeyer lifts the phone to his ear... ]
Natalie Teeger: [to Monk] Who's Dale Biederbeck?
TV Show: Monk
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: [to his manicurist] I've been dreaming about you. Have you ever dreamed about me?
Manicurist: Sometimes.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I wonder if we've been having the same dream?
Manicurist: I doubt it.
Manicurist: Sometimes.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: I wonder if we've been having the same dream?
Manicurist: I doubt it.
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie breaks out of hiding, runs through the crowd, and attempts to climb up to reach the trigger on the detonator. Sheriff Rollins's deputies seize her and drag her down]
Sheriff John Rollins: [to his deputies] Drag her down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [walks up with Randy] John Rollins! You're under arrest for murder, and conspiracy to commit!
Lt. Randall Disher: We know that you're working for Biederbeck, and that you framed Monk!
Sheriff John Rollins: Hey! You're under arrest! Obstruction of justice, aiding and abetting! [to his deputies] Arrest him! [The deputies grab Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Lt. Randall Disher: Get your hands off me!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'M A CAPTAIN WITH THE SAN FRANCISCO POLICE DEPARTMENT! Arrest him!
Sheriff John Rollins: He's out of his jurisdiction! Arrest him! [No one has paid attention to Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: Captain! The trigger is in the banner!
Sheriff John Rollins: [to his deputies] Drag her down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [walks up with Randy] John Rollins! You're under arrest for murder, and conspiracy to commit!
Lt. Randall Disher: We know that you're working for Biederbeck, and that you framed Monk!
Sheriff John Rollins: Hey! You're under arrest! Obstruction of justice, aiding and abetting! [to his deputies] Arrest him! [The deputies grab Stottlemeyer and Disher]
Lt. Randall Disher: Get your hands off me!
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I'M A CAPTAIN WITH THE SAN FRANCISCO POLICE DEPARTMENT! Arrest him!
Sheriff John Rollins: He's out of his jurisdiction! Arrest him! [No one has paid attention to Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: Captain! The trigger is in the banner!
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer pulls the bomb out from under the Governor's car]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Clear these people out of here! Call the Bomb Squad!
Riverton Cop: Uh, we don't have one. But it's in the budget for next year.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't think we can wait that long.
[After a few suspenseful moments, Stottlemeyer unscrews the detonator, then addresses the Governor's bodyguards holding Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Could you take your hands off my friend, please? He's had a rough day. [They release him, while Disher handcuffs Rollins]
Lt. Randall Disher: You have the right to remain silent...
Sheriff John Rollins: Yeah, I know all that stuff. Let's just get the hell out of here. [Monk looks at the Governor and his wife, who nod at him, gratefully. Monk nods back, then collapses into Stottlemeyer's arms]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [patting him on the back] Good job. Good job.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Clear these people out of here! Call the Bomb Squad!
Riverton Cop: Uh, we don't have one. But it's in the budget for next year.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I don't think we can wait that long.
[After a few suspenseful moments, Stottlemeyer unscrews the detonator, then addresses the Governor's bodyguards holding Monk]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Could you take your hands off my friend, please? He's had a rough day. [They release him, while Disher handcuffs Rollins]
Lt. Randall Disher: You have the right to remain silent...
Sheriff John Rollins: Yeah, I know all that stuff. Let's just get the hell out of here. [Monk looks at the Governor and his wife, who nod at him, gratefully. Monk nods back, then collapses into Stottlemeyer's arms]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [patting him on the back] Good job. Good job.
TV Show: Monk
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: What did you win, Monk? Nothing! We're both back where we started.
Adrian Monk: Not exactly. The police in Dourado found some old letters in Frank Nunn's apartment. He talked about killing Trudy. He mentioned the man who hired him.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: You have a name!
Adrian Monk: Not quite. Nunn called him "The Judge."
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: The Judge... I can't help you, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Can't? Or won't?
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: A little lead... how exciting! That should keep you off the street for a while.
Adrian Monk: The important thing is, that you're off the street.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: [laughs] Do you really think these bars can hold *me*?
Adrian Monk: [taps one with his shoe. It doesn't budge] Yeah. They seem pretty strong.
Adrian Monk: Not exactly. The police in Dourado found some old letters in Frank Nunn's apartment. He talked about killing Trudy. He mentioned the man who hired him.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: You have a name!
Adrian Monk: Not quite. Nunn called him "The Judge."
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: The Judge... I can't help you, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Can't? Or won't?
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: A little lead... how exciting! That should keep you off the street for a while.
Adrian Monk: The important thing is, that you're off the street.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: [laughs] Do you really think these bars can hold *me*?
Adrian Monk: [taps one with his shoe. It doesn't budge] Yeah. They seem pretty strong.
TV Show: Monk
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: Are you having fun?
Adrian Monk: No... but it's as close as I'm ever gonna get.
Adrian Monk: No... but it's as close as I'm ever gonna get.
TV Show: Monk
[last lines]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison! But you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, another billion dollars!
[Monk and Natalie walk away]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: You hear me?! Come back here! I'm-not-done!
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes you are.
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: It's true, Adrian Monk! I'm in prison! But you're in a worse prison! You're trapped! Trapped by your own demons! You're in your own private hell! I wouldn't trade places with you for a billion dollars! I mean, another billion dollars!
[Monk and Natalie walk away]
Dale "The Whale" Biederbeck: You hear me?! Come back here! I'm-not-done!
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes you are.
TV Show: Monk
[first lines; Cassie Drake is on the phone with the niece of Joseph Moody, her patient]
Cassie Drake: So he started his new medication, and it's already made a big difference. [she listens] Yeah, he's having a very good day. [she listens] Oh, you mean today? No-no, that's fine. Yeah, well I always say family's the best medicine. 40 minutes? [she checks her watch] Okay, we'll see you then. [she hangs up as she enters the living room, where Joseph is sitting in his wheelchair] Joseph, that was your niece. They're gonna be here any minute.
Joseph Moody: You know I had a new neighbor once, and his last name was Nabors. He had a crabapple tree out in the backyard-
Cassie Drake: Joseph, they'll be here soon. We don't have much time; I need you to remember what happened in 1968. You were talking about it this morning: the Hampton Street Depository.
Joseph Moody: Crabapple, right, but you couldn't eat the fruit. It was too-
Cassie Drake: Joseph, I need you to focus. You said it was your big, big, big, big secret. Remember, you said-
Joseph Moody: You know my first car was a DeSoto? Beautiful machine. It was as big as a boat.
Cassie Drake: [looks at her watch] Well Joseph, you had your chance. [she wheels him towards the foyer]
Joseph Moody: I can't find my hat. Gregory Peck always wore a hat. [Once Cassie has reached the foyer, she starts wheeling Joseph up the stairs] What was that movie Gregory Peck was in? There was Gregory Peck, and there was the hat. It was a gift from my neighbor, my other neighbor.
Cassie Drake: Uh-huh. Fascinating.
Joseph Moody: And guess how tall she was? 5'10" in her bare feet. And boy did she know karate. Yes she did.
Cassie Drake: Nobody cares, Joseph. [Joseph realizes he's goin
Cassie Drake: So he started his new medication, and it's already made a big difference. [she listens] Yeah, he's having a very good day. [she listens] Oh, you mean today? No-no, that's fine. Yeah, well I always say family's the best medicine. 40 minutes? [she checks her watch] Okay, we'll see you then. [she hangs up as she enters the living room, where Joseph is sitting in his wheelchair] Joseph, that was your niece. They're gonna be here any minute.
Joseph Moody: You know I had a new neighbor once, and his last name was Nabors. He had a crabapple tree out in the backyard-
Cassie Drake: Joseph, they'll be here soon. We don't have much time; I need you to remember what happened in 1968. You were talking about it this morning: the Hampton Street Depository.
Joseph Moody: Crabapple, right, but you couldn't eat the fruit. It was too-
Cassie Drake: Joseph, I need you to focus. You said it was your big, big, big, big secret. Remember, you said-
Joseph Moody: You know my first car was a DeSoto? Beautiful machine. It was as big as a boat.
Cassie Drake: [looks at her watch] Well Joseph, you had your chance. [she wheels him towards the foyer]
Joseph Moody: I can't find my hat. Gregory Peck always wore a hat. [Once Cassie has reached the foyer, she starts wheeling Joseph up the stairs] What was that movie Gregory Peck was in? There was Gregory Peck, and there was the hat. It was a gift from my neighbor, my other neighbor.
Cassie Drake: Uh-huh. Fascinating.
Joseph Moody: And guess how tall she was? 5'10" in her bare feet. And boy did she know karate. Yes she did.
Cassie Drake: Nobody cares, Joseph. [Joseph realizes he's goin
TV Show: Monk
[A woman is watching her daughter practice Chopin's Prelude in A Major. The doorbell rings]
Mother: Don't stop honey, you're doing great. No slouching. [She answers the door, and two police officers come in] What is it this time?
First Police Officer: Sorry to bother you, ma'am. We had another noise complaint.
Mother: You've gotta be kidding me. From who?
First Police Officer: He wouldn't give us his name. We figure it's the same guy.
[cuts to Natalie looking out the window of Monk's apartment]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, they're leaving! [Monk, who is sulking in the living room, comes over to the window]
Adrian Monk: Oh, finally! Is she in handcuffs? [He immediately realizes he's been proven wrong]
Natalie Teeger: I don't see her.
Adrian Monk: What? Why aren't they arresting her?! [He walks away and sighs] The justice system in this country is a joke. Oh, there she goes again. Natalie, you've gotta make her stop. I can't stand it.
Natalie Teeger: I still don't hear it!
Adrian Monk: You don't hear that! Are you kidding me?! She was practicing all night. I couldn't sleep; I kept reaching for the phone to call....
Natalie Teeger: Dr. Kroger. Yeah, I miss him too.
Adrian Monk: [mournfully] Actually, I left him two messages. I still can't believe it; a heart attack? I mean, I saw him the day before, he seemed fine.
Natalie Teeger: We'll find a new therapist. Come on, there has to be someone out there.
Adrian Monk: No, there's never gonna be anybody else. The man saved my life. You didn't know me before I met Dr. Kroger. I-I was a little messed up. He wasn't just a therapist; he was..... he was Dr. Kroger.
Natalie Teeger: We'll keep looking. Wha
Mother: Don't stop honey, you're doing great. No slouching. [She answers the door, and two police officers come in] What is it this time?
First Police Officer: Sorry to bother you, ma'am. We had another noise complaint.
Mother: You've gotta be kidding me. From who?
First Police Officer: He wouldn't give us his name. We figure it's the same guy.
[cuts to Natalie looking out the window of Monk's apartment]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, they're leaving! [Monk, who is sulking in the living room, comes over to the window]
Adrian Monk: Oh, finally! Is she in handcuffs? [He immediately realizes he's been proven wrong]
Natalie Teeger: I don't see her.
Adrian Monk: What? Why aren't they arresting her?! [He walks away and sighs] The justice system in this country is a joke. Oh, there she goes again. Natalie, you've gotta make her stop. I can't stand it.
Natalie Teeger: I still don't hear it!
Adrian Monk: You don't hear that! Are you kidding me?! She was practicing all night. I couldn't sleep; I kept reaching for the phone to call....
Natalie Teeger: Dr. Kroger. Yeah, I miss him too.
Adrian Monk: [mournfully] Actually, I left him two messages. I still can't believe it; a heart attack? I mean, I saw him the day before, he seemed fine.
Natalie Teeger: We'll find a new therapist. Come on, there has to be someone out there.
Adrian Monk: No, there's never gonna be anybody else. The man saved my life. You didn't know me before I met Dr. Kroger. I-I was a little messed up. He wasn't just a therapist; he was..... he was Dr. Kroger.
Natalie Teeger: We'll keep looking. Wha
TV Show: Monk
[Monk is looking for an open case file while Lieutenant Disher quizzes Captain Stottlemeyer for the maritime exam]
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, here's one. Before adding fuel to the primary tank-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You turn the fuel selector switch to "reserve".
Lt. Randall Disher: Correct. [Sitting one desk over, Monk finds one file]
Adrian Monk: Here, here. What about this one?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, those are all closed. What do you wanna do? You want to solve them again? [Monk puts the file back] You okay?
Adrian Monk: Nah. I'm just tired.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why don't you go home?
Adrian Monk: I can't. Beethoven Junior is still at it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] Come on. Give me another one.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, safe water markers are usually-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Green and red horizontal stripes. [Monk wanders back over to behind Randy's desk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Correct.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh I'm buying a boat next week if my loan comes through. Randy's helping me study for the maritime exam.
Lt. Randall Disher: What does this mean? Dot dot dash ["U"].
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Morse code. You can skip it.
Lt. Randall Disher: You know Morse code?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: My boys were both Boy Scouts.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah. I was an Eagle Scout. Oh hey, what am I saying? [starts tapping out something in Morse code on the desk, as Monk discovers another case file]
Adrian Monk: All right, what about this case? Here? Joseph Moody? This one's s
Lt. Randall Disher: Oh, here's one. Before adding fuel to the primary tank-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: You turn the fuel selector switch to "reserve".
Lt. Randall Disher: Correct. [Sitting one desk over, Monk finds one file]
Adrian Monk: Here, here. What about this one?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk, those are all closed. What do you wanna do? You want to solve them again? [Monk puts the file back] You okay?
Adrian Monk: Nah. I'm just tired.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Why don't you go home?
Adrian Monk: I can't. Beethoven Junior is still at it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: [to Randy] Come on. Give me another one.
Lt. Randall Disher: Uh, safe water markers are usually-
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Green and red horizontal stripes. [Monk wanders back over to behind Randy's desk]
Lt. Randall Disher: Correct.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Oh I'm buying a boat next week if my loan comes through. Randy's helping me study for the maritime exam.
Lt. Randall Disher: What does this mean? Dot dot dash ["U"].
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Morse code. You can skip it.
Lt. Randall Disher: You know Morse code?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: My boys were both Boy Scouts.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah. I was an Eagle Scout. Oh hey, what am I saying? [starts tapping out something in Morse code on the desk, as Monk discovers another case file]
Adrian Monk: All right, what about this case? Here? Joseph Moody? This one's s
TV Show: Monk
[As Monk analyzes the house, Stottlemeyer and Disher speak to Joseph's niece]
Pamela Moody: I'm sorry, I'm a little confused. You're from Homicide?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, ma'am. Uh, our office has to sign off on the coroner's report. It's just a formality.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I know this is a difficult time, Miss Moody, it will just take a couple of minutes. [In the dining room, Monk picks up a small card]
Adrian Monk: Real estate agents? You're selling the house?
Pamela Moody: We don't have a choice; there's no other family. Do you know someone who's interested? We're flexible on the price; we just wanna sell it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh-huh. Your uncle had a private nurse named Miss [Cassie] Drake?
Pamela Moody: That's right. We were lucky to find her. She was wonderful. [Monk is in the foyer]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, are these floors Douglas fir?
Pamela Moody: I think so. [Disher looks in the file]
Lt. Randall Disher: I have, uh, her statement here. Uh, she said the accident occured at around 10: 30?
Pamela Moody: That's correct. We were driving up to visit, and it must have happened just before we got here. [Monk passes them and goes into the living room, where he looks at the fireplace]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, does the fireplace work?
Pamela Moody: As far as I know, yes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Do you work?
Adrian Monk: It's so clean.
Pamela Moody: I know. My uncle was very compulsive about all that stuff. Before his stroke he was always dusting and cleaning and, polishing everything.
Adrian Monk: Huh, polishing everything. [He goes into the next room. Stottlemeyer continues as if
Pamela Moody: I'm sorry, I'm a little confused. You're from Homicide?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, ma'am. Uh, our office has to sign off on the coroner's report. It's just a formality.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I know this is a difficult time, Miss Moody, it will just take a couple of minutes. [In the dining room, Monk picks up a small card]
Adrian Monk: Real estate agents? You're selling the house?
Pamela Moody: We don't have a choice; there's no other family. Do you know someone who's interested? We're flexible on the price; we just wanna sell it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Uh-huh. Your uncle had a private nurse named Miss [Cassie] Drake?
Pamela Moody: That's right. We were lucky to find her. She was wonderful. [Monk is in the foyer]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, are these floors Douglas fir?
Pamela Moody: I think so. [Disher looks in the file]
Lt. Randall Disher: I have, uh, her statement here. Uh, she said the accident occured at around 10: 30?
Pamela Moody: That's correct. We were driving up to visit, and it must have happened just before we got here. [Monk passes them and goes into the living room, where he looks at the fireplace]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, does the fireplace work?
Pamela Moody: As far as I know, yes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Do you work?
Adrian Monk: It's so clean.
Pamela Moody: I know. My uncle was very compulsive about all that stuff. Before his stroke he was always dusting and cleaning and, polishing everything.
Adrian Monk: Huh, polishing everything. [He goes into the next room. Stottlemeyer continues as if
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer notes that Monk is planning on buying the house on some whim]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk? Come here. [He pulls Monk aside] You are tired. You're not thinking straight. You're between shrinks; you can't be making any big decisions right now.
Adrian Monk: You can't hear anything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, we all miss Dr. Kroger. Go home. Get some sleep. [starts chuckling but tries to contain it] You can't just buy a house on some crazy impulse.
[Monk chuckles, then turns to Pamela Moody and says]
Adrian Monk: I'll take it.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Monk? Come here. [He pulls Monk aside] You are tired. You're not thinking straight. You're between shrinks; you can't be making any big decisions right now.
Adrian Monk: You can't hear anything.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, we all miss Dr. Kroger. Go home. Get some sleep. [starts chuckling but tries to contain it] You can't just buy a house on some crazy impulse.
[Monk chuckles, then turns to Pamela Moody and says]
Adrian Monk: I'll take it.
TV Show: Monk
[In Dr. Bell's waiting room]
Natalie Teeger: I can't believe you bought a house without telling me.
Adrian Monk: You would've said no.
Natalie Teeger: Let's see what Dr. Bell has to say.
Adrian Monk: Why should I care what this clown thinks?
Natalie Teeger: He's a therapist. He's supposed to be brilliant. He's written five books and he teaches at Stanford.
Adrian Monk: [glances at the clock, which reads 10: 59 AM] One minute now. If he's late, we're leaving. [Natalie spots a certificate on the wall]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, look! His first name is Neven: N-E-V-E-N. It's a palindrome. That's a good sign!
Adrian Monk: It's not a perfect palindrome. The first N is capitalized.
Natalie Teeger: Dr. Kroger's name was Charles. That wasn't a palindrome.
Adrian Monk: It was to me!
[At the exact moment that the second hand reaches the top and the analogue clock says 11: 00, Dr. Bell opens his door]
Natalie Teeger: I can't believe you bought a house without telling me.
Adrian Monk: You would've said no.
Natalie Teeger: Let's see what Dr. Bell has to say.
Adrian Monk: Why should I care what this clown thinks?
Natalie Teeger: He's a therapist. He's supposed to be brilliant. He's written five books and he teaches at Stanford.
Adrian Monk: [glances at the clock, which reads 10: 59 AM] One minute now. If he's late, we're leaving. [Natalie spots a certificate on the wall]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, look! His first name is Neven: N-E-V-E-N. It's a palindrome. That's a good sign!
Adrian Monk: It's not a perfect palindrome. The first N is capitalized.
Natalie Teeger: Dr. Kroger's name was Charles. That wasn't a palindrome.
Adrian Monk: It was to me!
[At the exact moment that the second hand reaches the top and the analogue clock says 11: 00, Dr. Bell opens his door]
TV Show: Monk
Dr. Neven Bell: Why haven't you been sleeping?
Adrian Monk: Heh, no big mystery. There's this girl across the street who plays the same song. [imitates a section of Prelude in A Major] It doesn't matter, I'm out of there; I just bought a house.
Dr. Neven Bell: Well congratulations. So when did it start, the piano playing?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. About a year ago.
Dr. Neven Bell: Hmmmm, but it's only been bothering you for what, five weeks?
Adrian Monk: How did you know that?
Dr. Neven Bell: Well the girl's been practicing for over a year, and it's only been bothering you since Charles Kroger passed.
Adrian Monk: No. No. No. No. No. [He continues saying "no" as Dr. Bell speaks]
Dr. Neven Bell: The music she's playing is Chopin. Charles loved Chopin; he played in his waiting room all the time. Maybe the music is reminding you of-of your friend, and it's been affecting you.
Adrian Monk: Heh, no big mystery. There's this girl across the street who plays the same song. [imitates a section of Prelude in A Major] It doesn't matter, I'm out of there; I just bought a house.
Dr. Neven Bell: Well congratulations. So when did it start, the piano playing?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. About a year ago.
Dr. Neven Bell: Hmmmm, but it's only been bothering you for what, five weeks?
Adrian Monk: How did you know that?
Dr. Neven Bell: Well the girl's been practicing for over a year, and it's only been bothering you since Charles Kroger passed.
Adrian Monk: No. No. No. No. No. [He continues saying "no" as Dr. Bell speaks]
Dr. Neven Bell: The music she's playing is Chopin. Charles loved Chopin; he played in his waiting room all the time. Maybe the music is reminding you of-of your friend, and it's been affecting you.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk meets "Honest" Jake Phillips at a hardware store]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Hey, congratulations. [Monk turns to look at Jake] Yeah I couldn't help overhearing. You bought yourself a house. It's a good feeling - pride of ownership.
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Hey, you know if you want, I can drill a few more holes into that thing for you.
Adrian Monk: Really?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, it will just take a couple seconds. I'm the same way about my showerhead - very particular. My girlfriend says I'm "obsessive" about it.
Adrian Monk: I get that all the time.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Here, let me give you this. [hands Monk a business card] Jake Phillips, Handyman. Answer to a homeowner's prayers right there. [Monk looks at the text on the card]
Adrian Monk: "Honest Jake: No Job Too Small or Too Dirty."
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, now hang onto that, 'cause you're moving into a new place, and if something's leaking or cracking or bulging, who are you gonna call? [pause; Jake continues in a whisper] Who are ya gonna call?
Adrian Monk: Honest Jake.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Hey, congratulations. [Monk turns to look at Jake] Yeah I couldn't help overhearing. You bought yourself a house. It's a good feeling - pride of ownership.
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Hey, you know if you want, I can drill a few more holes into that thing for you.
Adrian Monk: Really?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, it will just take a couple seconds. I'm the same way about my showerhead - very particular. My girlfriend says I'm "obsessive" about it.
Adrian Monk: I get that all the time.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Here, let me give you this. [hands Monk a business card] Jake Phillips, Handyman. Answer to a homeowner's prayers right there. [Monk looks at the text on the card]
Adrian Monk: "Honest Jake: No Job Too Small or Too Dirty."
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, now hang onto that, 'cause you're moving into a new place, and if something's leaking or cracking or bulging, who are you gonna call? [pause; Jake continues in a whisper] Who are ya gonna call?
Adrian Monk: Honest Jake.
TV Show: Monk
[Monk shows Natalie around the house. They come down the stairs and then head down the hall towards the ground bathroom]
Adrian Monk: And.... here is another bathroom; for a total of [flicks on the light switch] two bathrooms. That is a claw foot bathtub, which is something I always wanted.
Natalie Teeger: It is?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I just didn't know.
[They walk back towards the landing]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, I love all the woodwork.
Adrian Monk: Hey, don't touch that.
Natalie Teeger: What, wet paint?
Adrian Monk: No, just don't touch it. Another wall, hallway, more walls, and we're back in the living room. [Natalie stands on the living room rug]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, I can't believe it! You actually did it!
Adrian Monk: Uh, that's a new rug. Don't just stand on it. You have to keep moving.
Natalie Teeger: Moving?
Adrian Monk: So it doesn't wear out in one place. [Natalie starts making what appears to be a solo waltz]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, you mean like this?
Adrian Monk: Maybe wider circles.
Natalie Teeger: Okay I'm just gonna stand over here.
Adrian Monk: So, whaddaya think? [Monk sits down in the other room]
Natalie Teeger: I like it. I do! I think you're gonna be... You're gonna be...
Adrian Monk: Happy.
Natalie Teeger: Happy.
Adrian Monk: I already am. I should've done this years ago.
Natalie Teeger: And you don't miss your old apartment.
Adrian Monk: Why should I?
Natalie Teeger: Because Trudy was there. And this house is not the same. And you're not a big fan of not the same.
Adrian Monk:
Adrian Monk: And.... here is another bathroom; for a total of [flicks on the light switch] two bathrooms. That is a claw foot bathtub, which is something I always wanted.
Natalie Teeger: It is?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I just didn't know.
[They walk back towards the landing]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, I love all the woodwork.
Adrian Monk: Hey, don't touch that.
Natalie Teeger: What, wet paint?
Adrian Monk: No, just don't touch it. Another wall, hallway, more walls, and we're back in the living room. [Natalie stands on the living room rug]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, I can't believe it! You actually did it!
Adrian Monk: Uh, that's a new rug. Don't just stand on it. You have to keep moving.
Natalie Teeger: Moving?
Adrian Monk: So it doesn't wear out in one place. [Natalie starts making what appears to be a solo waltz]
Natalie Teeger: Oh, you mean like this?
Adrian Monk: Maybe wider circles.
Natalie Teeger: Okay I'm just gonna stand over here.
Adrian Monk: So, whaddaya think? [Monk sits down in the other room]
Natalie Teeger: I like it. I do! I think you're gonna be... You're gonna be...
Adrian Monk: Happy.
Natalie Teeger: Happy.
Adrian Monk: I already am. I should've done this years ago.
Natalie Teeger: And you don't miss your old apartment.
Adrian Monk: Why should I?
Natalie Teeger: Because Trudy was there. And this house is not the same. And you're not a big fan of not the same.
Adrian Monk:
TV Show: Monk
'["Honest" Jake Phillips is on his ladder and removing the mounting for an off-centered lamp]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: This is going to be easy; piece of cake; a little walk in the park here. You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna reattach its fixture to a parallel support beam. It's going to be good as new.
Adrian Monk: Oh I hope so. Be careful!
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Ah, you're a little bit of a nervous Nellie, are ya? I've got a cousin like you. He makes coffee nervous. [He hands a screw to Monk] Hold this. [Monk quickly grabs an evidence bag from a drawer and puts the screw in, then writes the word "SCREWS" on it] Another one coming here. Whoa, head's up. [Jake hands Monk the other screw, and then removes the covering. He stops, and looks closely at the attachment with his screwdriver]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh? What uh-oh?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Your wires are all frayed. The connection is rusted.
Adrian Monk: Wha-What does it mean?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Well it means you're not up to code, my friend. This is a fire trap. OK, we're gonna have to run a new line to here. We're gonna have to go through that wall, feed it up over here-
Adrian Monk: W-w-wait, wait. I love that wall. That's... that's my third favorite wall.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Adrian, I'm a surgeon. It's gonna be like taking out an appendix; a little incision, snip, snip, snip, pop over with the wire, and the fixture, a little spackle, a little paint...
Adrian Monk: Is it going to be [imitates a jackhammer] messy?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Nah, no way. You won't even know I was here. [cuts to Jake carelessly breaking down part of the wall, leaving the framework exposed. After taking out a big chunk of the wall, he stops
"Honest" Jake Phillips: This is going to be easy; piece of cake; a little walk in the park here. You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna reattach its fixture to a parallel support beam. It's going to be good as new.
Adrian Monk: Oh I hope so. Be careful!
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Ah, you're a little bit of a nervous Nellie, are ya? I've got a cousin like you. He makes coffee nervous. [He hands a screw to Monk] Hold this. [Monk quickly grabs an evidence bag from a drawer and puts the screw in, then writes the word "SCREWS" on it] Another one coming here. Whoa, head's up. [Jake hands Monk the other screw, and then removes the covering. He stops, and looks closely at the attachment with his screwdriver]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Uh-oh.
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh? What uh-oh?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Your wires are all frayed. The connection is rusted.
Adrian Monk: Wha-What does it mean?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Well it means you're not up to code, my friend. This is a fire trap. OK, we're gonna have to run a new line to here. We're gonna have to go through that wall, feed it up over here-
Adrian Monk: W-w-wait, wait. I love that wall. That's... that's my third favorite wall.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Adrian, I'm a surgeon. It's gonna be like taking out an appendix; a little incision, snip, snip, snip, pop over with the wire, and the fixture, a little spackle, a little paint...
Adrian Monk: Is it going to be [imitates a jackhammer] messy?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Nah, no way. You won't even know I was here. [cuts to Jake carelessly breaking down part of the wall, leaving the framework exposed. After taking out a big chunk of the wall, he stops
TV Show: Monk
[Hannigan goes to Callie Esterhaus's hotel room and presents her an engagement ring]
Callie Esterhaus: This is probably the best night of my life. I could die right now! I really could!
John Hannigan: Funny you should say that. [promptly throws Callie over the balcony railing. She screams as she plunges to her death]
Callie Esterhaus: This is probably the best night of my life. I could die right now! I really could!
John Hannigan: Funny you should say that. [promptly throws Callie over the balcony railing. She screams as she plunges to her death]
TV Show: Monk
[Monk sees the immaculately clean men's room at the theater, complete with attendant.]
Adrian Monk: This is the men's room?
Gilson: Mmm-hmm.
Adrian Monk: How long has this been going on?
Adrian Monk: This is the men's room?
Gilson: Mmm-hmm.
Adrian Monk: How long has this been going on?
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: I just went to the bathroom.
Natalie Teeger: [astonished] What, here? Wow! Congratulations, Mr. Monk, I'm proud of you. How was it?
Adrian Monk: It was magical.
Natalie Teeger: [astonished] What, here? Wow! Congratulations, Mr. Monk, I'm proud of you. How was it?
Adrian Monk: It was magical.
TV Show: Monk
[Natalie believes that critic John Hannigan killed Callie Esterhaus]
Natalie Teeger: He did it! I don't know how he did it, but he did it.
Lt. Randall Disher: [points to Monk] That's what he always says.
Natalie Teeger: He did it! I don't know how he did it, but he did it.
Lt. Randall Disher: [points to Monk] That's what he always says.
TV Show: Monk
[As "Honest Jake" and "Honest Ramone" cut down one of the walls, Monk and Natalie cower on the stairs]
Natalie Teeger: Are you okay? Well you didn't really have a choice, I mean the pipes are corroded! [more shrapnel goes flying] Oh, gosh! You know what, I've been through lots of renovations; they're always like this. I can tell you some real stories!
Adrian Monk: Well please, don't. [We hear Ramone say something to Jake in the other room in Spanish]
Natalie Teeger: Do you wanna stay at my place?
Adrian Monk: I can't. They're almost done.
[In the other room, Jake and Ramone suddenly stop what they are doing. As if expecting a loud noise, Natalie instinctively covers her ears]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Uh-oh.
"Honest" Ramone: No good, huh? [Jake steps around the wall]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yep.
"Honest" Ramone: What?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: [points to some stray wires] Gotta find out what these are, too. They probably go up over there.
"Honest" Ramone: On the other side, no?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, the other side. Go ahead. [Ramone puts down his axe and picks up a saw. He goes into the living room and prepares to use it]
"Honest" Ramone: Here no cut, no?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah.
"Honest" Ramone: No problem.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: [to Monk and Natalie] Excuse us.
"Honest" Ramone: Right through here, no?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Just-just watch the molding. [Ramone cuts a rectangular-shaped peephole in the wall, and Jake casts a look of impatience. Monk and Natalie duck to avoid being pierced by the blade, and in doing so, Monk notices scuff marks on the stairs. He stands up and
Natalie Teeger: Are you okay? Well you didn't really have a choice, I mean the pipes are corroded! [more shrapnel goes flying] Oh, gosh! You know what, I've been through lots of renovations; they're always like this. I can tell you some real stories!
Adrian Monk: Well please, don't. [We hear Ramone say something to Jake in the other room in Spanish]
Natalie Teeger: Do you wanna stay at my place?
Adrian Monk: I can't. They're almost done.
[In the other room, Jake and Ramone suddenly stop what they are doing. As if expecting a loud noise, Natalie instinctively covers her ears]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Uh-oh.
"Honest" Ramone: No good, huh? [Jake steps around the wall]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yep.
"Honest" Ramone: What?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: [points to some stray wires] Gotta find out what these are, too. They probably go up over there.
"Honest" Ramone: On the other side, no?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah, the other side. Go ahead. [Ramone puts down his axe and picks up a saw. He goes into the living room and prepares to use it]
"Honest" Ramone: Here no cut, no?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Yeah.
"Honest" Ramone: No problem.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: [to Monk and Natalie] Excuse us.
"Honest" Ramone: Right through here, no?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Just-just watch the molding. [Ramone cuts a rectangular-shaped peephole in the wall, and Jake casts a look of impatience. Monk and Natalie duck to avoid being pierced by the blade, and in doing so, Monk notices scuff marks on the stairs. He stands up and
TV Show: Monk
[Monk has found evidence that proves that Cassie Drake killed Joseph Moody]
"Honest" Ramone: So, you are a, ah, detective?
Natalie Teeger: No, he's the best detective in the world.
Adrian Monk: Maybe not the world. Well, who's to say?
[Jake comes out of the other room]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: So, what's going on, Columbo? [Monk has placed a wheelchair at the foot of the stairs]
Adrian Monk: This is Joseph Moody's wheelchair. It was still in the garage.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Who?
Adrian Monk: The old man who used to live here. He fell down these stairs. He had a private nurse who said he walked up the stairs to that landing. But look... [points to three of the steps] Here, here, and here. Tire tracks. They're a perfect match. And this. [Monk pulls out his tweezers and removes a piece of wallpaper from the wheelchair's frame] Wallpaper. [He walks up the stairs to the tiny rip, where he puts the torn piece in to the rip; it matches perfectly] You can see where it was ripped away. No, I think she wheeled him up these stairs.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: So you just put that together? Just like that? Fantastic.
Adrian Monk: And this. [pulls a prescription out of the back of the wheelchair] Tribiteral. It's a new prescription. This is the stuff she said made him disoriented. [He hands it to Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: It's never been opened. You think she killed him?
Adrian Monk: She lied about it. There must be a reason.
[Jake and Ramone both nod in agreement. Cuts to Cassie Drake bringing groceries into her house. She turns on the lights]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Hey, Cassie. [At the sudden appearance of Jake sitting in an armchair, Cassie recoils a bit, and then sighs in re
"Honest" Ramone: So, you are a, ah, detective?
Natalie Teeger: No, he's the best detective in the world.
Adrian Monk: Maybe not the world. Well, who's to say?
[Jake comes out of the other room]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: So, what's going on, Columbo? [Monk has placed a wheelchair at the foot of the stairs]
Adrian Monk: This is Joseph Moody's wheelchair. It was still in the garage.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Who?
Adrian Monk: The old man who used to live here. He fell down these stairs. He had a private nurse who said he walked up the stairs to that landing. But look... [points to three of the steps] Here, here, and here. Tire tracks. They're a perfect match. And this. [Monk pulls out his tweezers and removes a piece of wallpaper from the wheelchair's frame] Wallpaper. [He walks up the stairs to the tiny rip, where he puts the torn piece in to the rip; it matches perfectly] You can see where it was ripped away. No, I think she wheeled him up these stairs.
"Honest" Jake Phillips: So you just put that together? Just like that? Fantastic.
Adrian Monk: And this. [pulls a prescription out of the back of the wheelchair] Tribiteral. It's a new prescription. This is the stuff she said made him disoriented. [He hands it to Natalie]
Natalie Teeger: It's never been opened. You think she killed him?
Adrian Monk: She lied about it. There must be a reason.
[Jake and Ramone both nod in agreement. Cuts to Cassie Drake bringing groceries into her house. She turns on the lights]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Hey, Cassie. [At the sudden appearance of Jake sitting in an armchair, Cassie recoils a bit, and then sighs in re
TV Show: Monk
Natalie Teeger: Oh God.
Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie Teeger: He still hasn't fixed that light.
[Monk looks at the small hole he made while pounding a nail into the wall, and notices that the framework is all made of pipes]
Adrian Monk: Oh my God. [he backs away] Oh my God!
[Jake pops his head out from the other side of the wall he is cutting down]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: "Oh my God" what? What do you see, huh? [Monk and Natalie can't muster themselves to say what they've found] What do you see? [He walks around the destroyed wall to reach them] What do you see?! [He kicks part of the wall down and finds that the framework is false] Something in there? [he realizes what it is] It's a false wall. There's a reason that light was off-centered: because this is a false wall! [to Ramone] Come on, move the furniture. [They move a table]
"Honest" Ramone: Jake?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: It's in here. Take it down! [He and Ramone start tearing down the wall with their pickaxes, and uncover sheets of 1960s cash from the depository robbery. They both laugh in triumph]
"Honest" Ramone: Jake. Jake. What do you plan on doin' with your share of the money?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Same thing I'm gonna do with your share: spend it! [He quickly pulls his gun and shoots Ramone in the chest. Monk and Natalie flinch at the sound of the gunshot as Ramone's body falls to the floor, dead]
Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie Teeger: He still hasn't fixed that light.
[Monk looks at the small hole he made while pounding a nail into the wall, and notices that the framework is all made of pipes]
Adrian Monk: Oh my God. [he backs away] Oh my God!
[Jake pops his head out from the other side of the wall he is cutting down]
"Honest" Jake Phillips: "Oh my God" what? What do you see, huh? [Monk and Natalie can't muster themselves to say what they've found] What do you see? [He walks around the destroyed wall to reach them] What do you see?! [He kicks part of the wall down and finds that the framework is false] Something in there? [he realizes what it is] It's a false wall. There's a reason that light was off-centered: because this is a false wall! [to Ramone] Come on, move the furniture. [They move a table]
"Honest" Ramone: Jake?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: It's in here. Take it down! [He and Ramone start tearing down the wall with their pickaxes, and uncover sheets of 1960s cash from the depository robbery. They both laugh in triumph]
"Honest" Ramone: Jake. Jake. What do you plan on doin' with your share of the money?
"Honest" Jake Phillips: Same thing I'm gonna do with your share: spend it! [He quickly pulls his gun and shoots Ramone in the chest. Monk and Natalie flinch at the sound of the gunshot as Ramone's body falls to the floor, dead]
TV Show: Monk
[Stottlemeyer and Disher have burst in and arrested Jake. Disher leads Jake away, and Stottlemeyer does a full 360 circle look at Jake's handiwork]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Holy moly, what happened here?
Adrian Monk: I should never have bought this house. I should've waited for something better to come along. Like death.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Holy moly, what happened here?
Adrian Monk: I should never have bought this house. I should've waited for something better to come along. Like death.
TV Show: Monk
Adrian Monk: Why did the captain want to see me again?
Natalie Teeger: I told you. It's a double homicide in Marin County.
Adrian Monk: You said triple homicide.
Natalie Teeger: I don't think so.
Adrian Monk: You said triple. All right. What happened, did someone get better?
Natalie Teeger: I told you. It's a double homicide in Marin County.
Adrian Monk: You said triple homicide.
Natalie Teeger: I don't think so.
Adrian Monk: You said triple. All right. What happened, did someone get better?
TV Show: Monk
[Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer and Disher arrive at Cassie Drake's house to check out Monk's suspicions on Joseph Moody, as Monk complains about the messiness of "Honest" Jake's repairs]
Lt. Randall Disher: So how's the new house?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it's pretty awful, thanks for asking. I don't want to talk about it; I don't want to think about it. Every 20 minutes it's something else, something's rusted or corroded, falling apart or about to fall apart.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I can't wait to check it out.
Adrian Monk: It's like a nightmare, except for the part where you wake up and it's all over. Why didn't you warn me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I did. I tried to. I think we all did.
Adrian Monk: Well, why didn't you, like, tie me down and shoot me in the leg? What's the good of having a gun if you don't shoot your friend in the leg when he's about to buy an old house? [Randy knocks on the door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Next time I will. I promise. [No one responds to Randy's knock] Go ahead.
Lt. Randall Disher: [knocks again] Hello? [Again, no response. He taps lightly on the door, and Monk scorches a look of confusion at him. Stottlemeyer chuckles, realizing that Randy is sending him a message in Morse code]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, did you ever hear the one about the...? [taps a reply to Randy's initial message with his knuckles]
Natalie Teeger: That's not the way I heard it. [Stottlemeyer and Disher glance at her] My husband was in the Navy. Remember?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah right. [Stottlemeyer knocks another message on the door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Miss Drake! [He pulls on the door, which moves. Fearing the worst, he pulls open the door a little bit. The
Lt. Randall Disher: So how's the new house?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it's pretty awful, thanks for asking. I don't want to talk about it; I don't want to think about it. Every 20 minutes it's something else, something's rusted or corroded, falling apart or about to fall apart.
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, I can't wait to check it out.
Adrian Monk: It's like a nightmare, except for the part where you wake up and it's all over. Why didn't you warn me?
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: I did. I tried to. I think we all did.
Adrian Monk: Well, why didn't you, like, tie me down and shoot me in the leg? What's the good of having a gun if you don't shoot your friend in the leg when he's about to buy an old house? [Randy knocks on the door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Next time I will. I promise. [No one responds to Randy's knock] Go ahead.
Lt. Randall Disher: [knocks again] Hello? [Again, no response. He taps lightly on the door, and Monk scorches a look of confusion at him. Stottlemeyer chuckles, realizing that Randy is sending him a message in Morse code]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Hey, did you ever hear the one about the...? [taps a reply to Randy's initial message with his knuckles]
Natalie Teeger: That's not the way I heard it. [Stottlemeyer and Disher glance at her] My husband was in the Navy. Remember?
Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah right. [Stottlemeyer knocks another message on the door]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Miss Drake! [He pulls on the door, which moves. Fearing the worst, he pulls open the door a little bit. The
TV Show: Monk