Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
[Malcolm explains to him in his ear about how cranky old people are]
Reese: Poor people. We want poor people
Reese: Poor people. We want poor people
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: It's God he found us.
Hal: It's not God Dewey It's just my crappy car.
Hal: It's not God Dewey It's just my crappy car.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: Stop crying It's okay man.
Eric: No it isn't God you must of hate me.
Francis: Oh come on You're my friend I can't hate you.
Eric: No it isn't God you must of hate me.
Francis: Oh come on You're my friend I can't hate you.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: You've been stealing money from the church.
Reese: [opening the closet door to reveal other stuff the same time Malcolm unveils what hidden under the blanket] And maybe some merchandise
Reese: [opening the closet door to reveal other stuff the same time Malcolm unveils what hidden under the blanket] And maybe some merchandise
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Upon realising the boys also stole an air tank.]
Hal: You stole Air?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU BOYS?! Do you ever stop and think about the consequences of anything you do. Do you realise the shame you could bring upon our eintire family. Do you?!
Hal: You stole Air?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU BOYS?! Do you ever stop and think about the consequences of anything you do. Do you realise the shame you could bring upon our eintire family. Do you?!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: Hey, I don't want to scare anyone. But this is the street mom takes home and she gets off in 10 Minutes!!!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Lois locks up the Christmas presents in the garage.]
Dewey: Ahh! She's stealing Christmas.
Malcolm: Mom, you can't do this.
Reese: Yeah, this'll be the last time Dewey believes in Santa.
Dewey: WHAT?!
Lois: If you boys behave until Christmas morning. There will be a Christmas morning. Otherwise these are going back to the store and Christmas will be cancelled.
Dewey: Ahh! She's stealing Christmas.
Malcolm: Mom, you can't do this.
Reese: Yeah, this'll be the last time Dewey believes in Santa.
Dewey: WHAT?!
Lois: If you boys behave until Christmas morning. There will be a Christmas morning. Otherwise these are going back to the store and Christmas will be cancelled.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Ida opens a musical Christmas card and then slams it shut.]
Ida: You do this to torture me, to hurt me!?
Francis: You don't like Christmas music?
Ida: It sounds like a song they sang when they would ride through the villages and throw the babies into the fire!
Francis: [skeptical] They sang 'Jingle Bells'?
Ida: They sang something.
Ida: You do this to torture me, to hurt me!?
Francis: You don't like Christmas music?
Ida: It sounds like a song they sang when they would ride through the villages and throw the babies into the fire!
Francis: [skeptical] They sang 'Jingle Bells'?
Ida: They sang something.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Ida stabs Francis in the leg with her knitting needle].
Francis: Ow God! What the hell is wrong with you?!
Ida: You like pushing me. That's what happens when you push, big tough guy.
Francis: Ow God! What the hell is wrong with you?!
Ida: You like pushing me. That's what happens when you push, big tough guy.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: Why do't you just unhinge your jaw and finish me off?!
Ida: After Magnum P.I.
Ida: After Magnum P.I.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: [to Lois] You wouldn't cancel Christmas! You're bluffing.
[Scene cut to reveal Reese crying over his burning stocking, proving Lois isn't bluffing.]
[Scene cut to reveal Reese crying over his burning stocking, proving Lois isn't bluffing.]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: We're going to get presents?
Malcolm: We're going to get presents.
Malcolm: We're going to get presents.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: Who would've thought that sticking a metal spike through your tongue would hurt so much?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: [wrapping up some gifts while talking on the phone to Francis in Alaska] Just spend a couple of days with Grandma. You can leave right after Christmas.
Francis: I am not visiting that woman. She's evil and she hates me.
Lois: Francis, this is family! This is Grandma's first Christmas since your grandpa died and you live the closest. How can you be so selfish?
Francis: Well did you even invite her to your house?
Lois: [pauses for a minute] She knows she's always welcome.
Francis: Hey, maybe we'll get on a bus and surprise you.
Lois: Don't you threaten me, I am ending this discussion. You are going to Whitehorse. You're going to the drugstore to buy her a gift. And you both will have a proper Christmas.
Francis: I am not visiting that woman. She's evil and she hates me.
Lois: Francis, this is family! This is Grandma's first Christmas since your grandpa died and you live the closest. How can you be so selfish?
Francis: Well did you even invite her to your house?
Lois: [pauses for a minute] She knows she's always welcome.
Francis: Hey, maybe we'll get on a bus and surprise you.
Lois: Don't you threaten me, I am ending this discussion. You are going to Whitehorse. You're going to the drugstore to buy her a gift. And you both will have a proper Christmas.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[In one of the flashbacks, a Christmas tree is on flames and the smoke alarm goes off. Hal and Lois are seen running in front of it.]
Lois: Who did this? Who did this?!
Hal: Drop and roll, honey.
Lois: Who did This?!
Hal: For God's sake, drop and roll.
Lois: Who did this? Who did this?!
Hal: Drop and roll, honey.
Lois: Who did This?!
Hal: For God's sake, drop and roll.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: Well, look at that - 8: 00 already, way past my bedtime. Where do I sleep?
Ida: You're sitting on it
Francis: Does it turn into a bed?
Ida: [sarcastically] Yes, it becomes a bed. It's a special magic sofa. It opens up for magic, lazy boy. And angels come out feed you grapes and sing to you while you sleep, and it flies around the room, granting wishes to boys who are stupid!
Francis: All right! It doesn't fold out!
Ida: You're sitting on it
Francis: Does it turn into a bed?
Ida: [sarcastically] Yes, it becomes a bed. It's a special magic sofa. It opens up for magic, lazy boy. And angels come out feed you grapes and sing to you while you sleep, and it flies around the room, granting wishes to boys who are stupid!
Francis: All right! It doesn't fold out!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: I have had it!
[Dumps out the contents in the paper bag and turns off the lights to the Christmas tree. She is stuffing all the presents in the bag.]
Malcolm: Mom, what are you doing?
Lois: I am taking everything, every decoration, every present, every tree and I'm locking it in the garage. Every single Christmas, you three burn, break or destroy and I'm putting a stop to it.
[Dumps out the contents in the paper bag and turns off the lights to the Christmas tree. She is stuffing all the presents in the bag.]
Malcolm: Mom, what are you doing?
Lois: I am taking everything, every decoration, every present, every tree and I'm locking it in the garage. Every single Christmas, you three burn, break or destroy and I'm putting a stop to it.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Hal is confronting Lois for cancelling Christmas]
Lois: I'm not cancelling it. I'm just taking it hostage.
Lois: I'm not cancelling it. I'm just taking it hostage.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: [takes a look at the photo of Victor in his youth] Ugh, don't tell me that eyebrow thing is genetic.
Ida: You and him, both the same. Always had to have your own way. Nothing ever good enough. Always had to fight everything. Victor always had to be so independant. Left home when he was 11. Lived on his own, got to work on farm. Plowing the fields like a man. Worked 18 hours a day. Had to sleep with the pigs, but he never complained. He was strong. He made something of himself.
[Strugles with opening the trunk that contained the angel]
Ida: Nobody's like that anymore. Everybody's too soft.
Francis: Hey Grandma, why don't you let me help you with that.
Ida: [slaps Francis away] Your grandfather was tough. He didn't take anything from anybody. He was proud, a man of honor. He was a wonderful, wonderful man. [puts cigarette in mouth and sleeps.]
Ida: You and him, both the same. Always had to have your own way. Nothing ever good enough. Always had to fight everything. Victor always had to be so independant. Left home when he was 11. Lived on his own, got to work on farm. Plowing the fields like a man. Worked 18 hours a day. Had to sleep with the pigs, but he never complained. He was strong. He made something of himself.
[Strugles with opening the trunk that contained the angel]
Ida: Nobody's like that anymore. Everybody's too soft.
Francis: Hey Grandma, why don't you let me help you with that.
Ida: [slaps Francis away] Your grandfather was tough. He didn't take anything from anybody. He was proud, a man of honor. He was a wonderful, wonderful man. [puts cigarette in mouth and sleeps.]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Lois cuts the bottom part of the stocking to free Dewey's head]
Lois: I can't leave you boys alone for even one second without you trying to kill each other. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY TIME!!!!
Malcolm: I don't know what it is, but mom freaks out about something every Christmas.
Lois: I can't leave you boys alone for even one second without you trying to kill each other. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY TIME!!!!
Malcolm: I don't know what it is, but mom freaks out about something every Christmas.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Ida: I'm not gonna pay those pirates!
Francis: Of course not.
[Gives Ida an envelope.]
Francis: Well in spirit of the season, let's begin this pathetic charade.
Ida: I never know what you're talking about. Talk like a jackass.
Francis: Of course not.
[Gives Ida an envelope.]
Francis: Well in spirit of the season, let's begin this pathetic charade.
Ida: I never know what you're talking about. Talk like a jackass.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Ida: You'd like that, wouldn't you. You can't wait to get your hands on my things.
Francis: [Sarcastically] Oh yeah, Grandma. I have big plans for these doilies and I want those can of peaches that been in your shelves for 30 years.
Ida: Don't Touch My Peaches!
Francis: [Sarcastically] Oh yeah, Grandma. I have big plans for these doilies and I want those can of peaches that been in your shelves for 30 years.
Ida: Don't Touch My Peaches!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Ida: [searching for the musical Christmas Card Francis hid.] I'll cut off his hands and stick them to his katushnick.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[At Francis's cabin in Alaska, a storm is blowing. Lavernia drops off a crate of supplies].
Lavernia: Weather report's right, this storm's gonna last a week. Now you ration these supplies, and make no mistake, you're the last ones we'll dig out!
Francis[incredulous]: We're supposed to survive a week on meat paste and caribou jerky!?
Lavernia: Hey, that's a week I don't get any work out of you! No use crying to me!
Lavernia: Weather report's right, this storm's gonna last a week. Now you ration these supplies, and make no mistake, you're the last ones we'll dig out!
Francis[incredulous]: We're supposed to survive a week on meat paste and caribou jerky!?
Lavernia: Hey, that's a week I don't get any work out of you! No use crying to me!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Barton: Wow, an entire colony of Cryphonectria parasitica.
Richie: Hey, get your own pizza, Dewey.
Richie: Hey, get your own pizza, Dewey.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Hal and Francis are talking on the phone]
Hal: You've emancipated yourself, remember? You can't come running back to your parents for money at the first sign of trouble anymore!
Francis: I'm not running to my parents. I'm calling as one adult to another for an adult... loan.
Hal: No, no. You've made whatever mess you've made, and you take care of it.
Francis: I have been taking care of it! I already got Big Red to cut me the lumber in exchange for a pair of fur-lined boots. I got my friend Pete to make the boots, but only because I promised him a new set of teeth. And as you probably know, teeth don't come cheap! Now, that's where you come in-
[Hal hangs up]
Hal: You've emancipated yourself, remember? You can't come running back to your parents for money at the first sign of trouble anymore!
Francis: I'm not running to my parents. I'm calling as one adult to another for an adult... loan.
Hal: No, no. You've made whatever mess you've made, and you take care of it.
Francis: I have been taking care of it! I already got Big Red to cut me the lumber in exchange for a pair of fur-lined boots. I got my friend Pete to make the boots, but only because I promised him a new set of teeth. And as you probably know, teeth don't come cheap! Now, that's where you come in-
[Hal hangs up]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle