Malcolm in the Middle Quotes
[Flashback at the end Reese has a blueberry on his plate.]
Reese: Don't eat that blueberry, I'm saving it!
[Malcolm eats the blueberry.]
Malcolm: [last lime] What's the worst that could happen?
Reese: Don't eat that blueberry, I'm saving it!
[Malcolm eats the blueberry.]
Malcolm: [last lime] What's the worst that could happen?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[After Malcolmm suppresses his anger too long and ends up in hospital]
Lois: [incredulous] A peptic ulcer!? How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer!? The doctor said you had the stomach lining of a sixty-year old air traffic controller! You are a teenager, for God's sake; what do you have to be stressed about!?
Malcolm: [finally losing his cool] For your information, I just spent the past three hours on a gurney next to a guy who was still trying to smoke out of the hole in his neck! And the jackass who put in this IV couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flash light! My call button doesn't work! These stupid sheets are itchy! There's only one channel on the TV, and what's this about a bedpan...!
Lois: [incredulous] A peptic ulcer!? How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer!? The doctor said you had the stomach lining of a sixty-year old air traffic controller! You are a teenager, for God's sake; what do you have to be stressed about!?
Malcolm: [finally losing his cool] For your information, I just spent the past three hours on a gurney next to a guy who was still trying to smoke out of the hole in his neck! And the jackass who put in this IV couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flash light! My call button doesn't work! These stupid sheets are itchy! There's only one channel on the TV, and what's this about a bedpan...!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Francis, Reese, and Malcolm are watching fireworks.]
Reese: How do we know which one is the Komodo 3000?
[Night turns to day for five seconds as the boys stare in silence.]
Malcolm: [shouting] Let's hope that was it!
Francis: [shouting] Did it say when our vision would come back?
Reese: [shouting] Box said two days.
Francis: [shouting] Totally worth it!
Reese: How do we know which one is the Komodo 3000?
[Night turns to day for five seconds as the boys stare in silence.]
Malcolm: [shouting] Let's hope that was it!
Francis: [shouting] Did it say when our vision would come back?
Reese: [shouting] Box said two days.
Francis: [shouting] Totally worth it!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Reese, Malcolm, and Dewey are preparing to go out on ATVs.]
Malcolm: All-terrain... I wonder if that really means ALL terrain.
Reese: They couldn't say it if it wasn't true.
[Later, Dewey's ATV is crashed upside down on a tree, with Dewey hanging from a branch.]
Reese: Okay, so trees aren't terrain. Now we know.
Malcolm: All-terrain... I wonder if that really means ALL terrain.
Reese: They couldn't say it if it wasn't true.
[Later, Dewey's ATV is crashed upside down on a tree, with Dewey hanging from a branch.]
Reese: Okay, so trees aren't terrain. Now we know.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Francis: Why don't we just kill the old hag?
Lois: Oh, stop it right now! And no one tells the boys about any of this.
Hal: You mean about killing her?
Lois: No, about the lawsuit.
Lois: Oh, stop it right now! And no one tells the boys about any of this.
Hal: You mean about killing her?
Lois: No, about the lawsuit.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: Girls, don't do this. You're supposed to be easy.
Mallory: No, Mom. You're easy.
Daisy: We can fool you about anything. We're girls, we know how you think and we're not above using it.
Mallory: No, Mom. You're easy.
Daisy: We can fool you about anything. We're girls, we know how you think and we're not above using it.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Daisy and Renee encourages Mallory to open up about the pen.]
Mallory: This boy dropped it in Biology Class. He chewed on it a little.
Renee: Oh, I am so sorry. I should've known that. I hate being Dumb! If I didn't grow such great hair, my head would be useless.
Mallory: This boy dropped it in Biology Class. He chewed on it a little.
Renee: Oh, I am so sorry. I should've known that. I hate being Dumb! If I didn't grow such great hair, my head would be useless.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: Why don't you just die?
Malcolm: Give me, my pen. I'm warning you.
Reese: Ooh, I'm scared. What are you going to do. What's the Baby gonna do?
[Malcolm decks Reese and watches him fall to the floor.]
Malcolm: Give me, my pen. I'm warning you.
Reese: Ooh, I'm scared. What are you going to do. What's the Baby gonna do?
[Malcolm decks Reese and watches him fall to the floor.]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Hal: [Interupting Lois's nice fantasy with her imaginary daughters] Damn IT, That's Enough!!! Now We Are Going Shopping And That Is It!!!!
[Reese, Malcolm and Dewey continues complaining as Hal drives them to the mall.]
[Reese, Malcolm and Dewey continues complaining as Hal drives them to the mall.]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Reese enters the house, talking loudly to disguise the fact he's being chased by the cops]
Lois: [resigned] I'll make coffee.
Hal: It's Hanson; make it decaff. [waves to the cops]
Lois: [resigned] I'll make coffee.
Hal: It's Hanson; make it decaff. [waves to the cops]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: Why do I have to be here? Why can't I go snowboarding with Reese?
Hal: Reese isn't snowboarding, that's just a lie mommy and daddy told you. Reese is in jail.
Dewey: [perks up] For how long?
Hal: A couple of hours.
Hal: Reese isn't snowboarding, that's just a lie mommy and daddy told you. Reese is in jail.
Dewey: [perks up] For how long?
Hal: A couple of hours.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[A tall and muscular inmate shows up in chains.]
Warden: This is Samuel. I would tell you what he's in for, but it's against the law for me to say it to minors.
Warden: This is Samuel. I would tell you what he's in for, but it's against the law for me to say it to minors.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Samuel: Cause in prison you got to make your own fun. When they're tossing punk kids like you and you. Whoooo, it's like Christmas for me. If you displease me, I will not hesitate to grab you by your pretty little neck. Just squeeze until your eyeballs bulge out of your head and pop them with a fork.
[Reese laughs, catching the attention of Samuel]
Samuel: You think that's funny?!
Reese I thought you were trying to be funny.
Samuel: So I got me a volunteer, huh. Well let me tell you cupcakes, of WHAT YOUR FIRST DAY OF BEING HERE GONNA BE LIKE?!
[A few minutes later Reese is seen scared.]
Samuel: And don't expect no flowers afterwards.
[Reese laughs, catching the attention of Samuel]
Samuel: You think that's funny?!
Reese I thought you were trying to be funny.
Samuel: So I got me a volunteer, huh. Well let me tell you cupcakes, of WHAT YOUR FIRST DAY OF BEING HERE GONNA BE LIKE?!
[A few minutes later Reese is seen scared.]
Samuel: And don't expect no flowers afterwards.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dabney: I know you think I'm a mama's boy.
Malcolm: No, mama's boys are laughing at you... with their mothers.
Malcolm: No, mama's boys are laughing at you... with their mothers.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Craig: [after being pulled over. He gets on the ground] I'm cooperating. I never met this man before. I hated the constitution. I hate free speech. I'll snitch. I know nothing.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: [After realising that Malcolm was telling the truth and sees Reese destroy the computer intentionally] That money isn't your's. He was going to rebuild out bedroom wall.
Reese: But you said I was in charge. That means I get the money.
Lois: No, it doesn't.
Reese: Then, why the hell do I want to be in charge.
Lois: Reese, this is helping you become a better person and building your self-esteem. Which is what you're obviously going to need if you are STUPID ENOUGH TO THROW AWAY $1300 THIS FAMILY DESPERATELY NEEDS.
Reese: But you said I was in charge. That means I get the money.
Lois: No, it doesn't.
Reese: Then, why the hell do I want to be in charge.
Lois: Reese, this is helping you become a better person and building your self-esteem. Which is what you're obviously going to need if you are STUPID ENOUGH TO THROW AWAY $1300 THIS FAMILY DESPERATELY NEEDS.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Lois: What makes you think I am going to die first?
Hal: Honey, you have that kind of personality. You operate at a very high level of stress.
[Flashbacks show Lois blowing up.]
Hal: Honey, you have that kind of personality. You operate at a very high level of stress.
[Flashbacks show Lois blowing up.]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Lois puts down a box containing papers of a will she wants to write for the family.]
Hal: Why do we have to do this in the middle of the night anyway?
Lois: I will not have the boys see up writing a will. If they start thinking about a future without us, we'll totally lose control.
Hal: I'm telling you Lois, we are not equip to deal with these issues. We get into a giant, stupid fight every time we work on the will.
Lois: Hal, the last time we tried this was 10 years ago.
'Hal: And it lead to a fight. You called me thin skinned and overly sensitive.
Hal: Why do we have to do this in the middle of the night anyway?
Lois: I will not have the boys see up writing a will. If they start thinking about a future without us, we'll totally lose control.
Hal: I'm telling you Lois, we are not equip to deal with these issues. We get into a giant, stupid fight every time we work on the will.
Lois: Hal, the last time we tried this was 10 years ago.
'Hal: And it lead to a fight. You called me thin skinned and overly sensitive.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: Have fun in school today, suckers! I'll send ya a postcard from Whitehorse.
Malcolm: Reese, figure it out. It takes 26 hours to get to Canada and 26 hours to get back. Your backpack is full of food, and no one ever called Grandma.
Reese: [thinks] Wait a minute! I'm spending the entire weekend on this bus?
Malcolm: Reese, figure it out. It takes 26 hours to get to Canada and 26 hours to get back. Your backpack is full of food, and no one ever called Grandma.
Reese: [thinks] Wait a minute! I'm spending the entire weekend on this bus?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: [on a microphone] Hello, my name is Dewey. The man with the balloon is my father, Hal.
Hal: [in a spotlight] Dewey?
Dewey: I'm the youngest of four kids, and I always get the short end of everything. I've never had a hot shower or a bed to myself. I'm the third person to wear this underwear. And yet, I've never complained.
Hal: Dewey, what is this about?
Dewey: Even when my parents decided to have another baby. And they told me they're inducing labor. And they picked a really interesting day to do it. Do you remember what day you picked, Dad?
Hal: Dewey?
Dewey: [echoing] What day did you pick, Dad?
Hal: It's Thursday! Just come down from wherever you are!
Dewey: Of all the days you could've picked, you chose this Thursday. Anything interesting about Thursday, Dad?
Hal: Will you stop this?!
Dewey: Anything at all you could think of that might be happening this Thursday?
Hal: Okay, Dewey, what is the big deal about Thursday?
Dewey: [echoing]It's my birthday.
[The listening crowd is shocked in disgust]
Hal: It is not your... [counts the days on his hand and realizes Dewey's right] Oh, God!
Dewey: Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the story of a little boy who lost his birthday. If you have any thoughts or comments, my dad would love to hear them.
Hal: [in a spotlight] Dewey?
Dewey: I'm the youngest of four kids, and I always get the short end of everything. I've never had a hot shower or a bed to myself. I'm the third person to wear this underwear. And yet, I've never complained.
Hal: Dewey, what is this about?
Dewey: Even when my parents decided to have another baby. And they told me they're inducing labor. And they picked a really interesting day to do it. Do you remember what day you picked, Dad?
Hal: Dewey?
Dewey: [echoing] What day did you pick, Dad?
Hal: It's Thursday! Just come down from wherever you are!
Dewey: Of all the days you could've picked, you chose this Thursday. Anything interesting about Thursday, Dad?
Hal: Will you stop this?!
Dewey: Anything at all you could think of that might be happening this Thursday?
Hal: Okay, Dewey, what is the big deal about Thursday?
Dewey: [echoing]It's my birthday.
[The listening crowd is shocked in disgust]
Hal: It is not your... [counts the days on his hand and realizes Dewey's right] Oh, God!
Dewey: Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the story of a little boy who lost his birthday. If you have any thoughts or comments, my dad would love to hear them.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Abe is seen at the house, in the kitchen]
Abe: So what can I do for you today?
Lois: Well you see, it has something to do with my mother.
Abe: I know mothers. She always brings that pecan pie with real whipped cream and she knows that's my one and only weakness.
Francis: Well our grandma is like that, except [darkly] she's a wrinkled sack of hate kept alive by the will to destroy.
Abe: So what can I do for you today?
Lois: Well you see, it has something to do with my mother.
Abe: I know mothers. She always brings that pecan pie with real whipped cream and she knows that's my one and only weakness.
Francis: Well our grandma is like that, except [darkly] she's a wrinkled sack of hate kept alive by the will to destroy.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Ida: [Just arrived at Lois' house with her bags and ciggarette in hand] Are you gonna open the door? Or should I lie down on the grass and feed the worms?
Francis: Oh great. Who opened the Gates of Hell!
Francis: Oh great. Who opened the Gates of Hell!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Dewey: Like Pastor Roy said, how God is so much bigger and wiser than us, and trying to see what He's thinking would be like an ant trying to see what I'm thinking.
Teacher: Yes, exactly. But we can trust in His wisdom, and have faith that He is watching over us.
Dewey: Like me with the anthill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out which ones were good, and which ones were bad, but they all just looked like ants, so I started smiting all of them.
Teacher: Well that's not...
Dewey: I was smiting them with the garden hose, and with lighter fluid, and with the lawnmower, and to be perfectly honest, I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them. There was nothing they could do about it.
Teacher: But, I don't think...
Dewey: Really, it's the same with us. There's nothing we can do about anything either, so why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better.
Teacher: Well, that's...good, but...
Dewey: I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible, and try not to dwell on God standing over us with a giant shovel. Bye!
[Leaves Teacher wondering, and looking up worrying about God's "giant shovel"]
Teacher: Yes, exactly. But we can trust in His wisdom, and have faith that He is watching over us.
Dewey: Like me with the anthill in my backyard. I spent days watching the ants, trying to figure out which ones were good, and which ones were bad, but they all just looked like ants, so I started smiting all of them.
Teacher: Well that's not...
Dewey: I was smiting them with the garden hose, and with lighter fluid, and with the lawnmower, and to be perfectly honest, I think I went a little crazy with the shovel. Those ants could have been praying to me all day, I wouldn't have heard them. There was nothing they could do about it.
Teacher: But, I don't think...
Dewey: Really, it's the same with us. There's nothing we can do about anything either, so why worry about it? Hey, this is making me feel better.
Teacher: Well, that's...good, but...
Dewey: I guess all we can do is live our lives with as much kindness and decency as possible, and try not to dwell on God standing over us with a giant shovel. Bye!
[Leaves Teacher wondering, and looking up worrying about God's "giant shovel"]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Reese: [singing to the tune of "Amazing Grace"] Amazing race, how sweet the taste That saved a wrench for me. I once was in the lost and found, Was blind, but found my keys.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Francis and a rival member from another ranch are arrested.]
Agent: The United States Government is not to happy with the level of interest you created in this sector.
Francis: But what's the harm in pretending I'm from another planet? I mean all that stuff of UFOs about abductions and cavity probes, that's all made up, right.
Agent: [looks at his partner for a second] Yes, there are no aliens, but there are cavity probes.
Agent: The United States Government is not to happy with the level of interest you created in this sector.
Francis: But what's the harm in pretending I'm from another planet? I mean all that stuff of UFOs about abductions and cavity probes, that's all made up, right.
Agent: [looks at his partner for a second] Yes, there are no aliens, but there are cavity probes.
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
Malcolm: We'll be profitable once we sell tree 67.
Reese: Cool. Why don't we just sell that tree first?
Reese: Cool. Why don't we just sell that tree first?
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Otto has begun a daycare for the children of guests to his ranch. Chaos is heard from within the kids' room]
Otto: We may have a problem. You remember how I wanted everything to be special for the children? So I went to the store and I got those cookies, and then I saw this old-fashioned hard lemonade. I bought three cases...
Francis: Hard lemonade? That has alcohol in it!
Otto: Yes, Francis, I said there was a problem!
Otto: We may have a problem. You remember how I wanted everything to be special for the children? So I went to the store and I got those cookies, and then I saw this old-fashioned hard lemonade. I bought three cases...
Francis: Hard lemonade? That has alcohol in it!
Otto: Yes, Francis, I said there was a problem!
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Leland, the Resident Adviser of the dormitory, confronting Lois]
Leland: I happen to be a control freak. If you get me fired, I can just find another job where I can be a control freak. Kinko's is hiring a night manager. Either way, I've already written negative evaluation emails of these kids to the Office of Admissions. All I have to do is hit 'send.'
Kid: She overloaded a wall socket, too!
[The kids abandon Lois]
Leland: And now you. Any freshman psych major can see it's obvious life didn't pan out the way you thought it would. So now, to make up for it, you have to run your kid's life.
Malcolm: [to the audience] I don't know who to root for!
Leland: Simple truth is, you're just too afraid to let go of the one thing in your life that may be a success. But hey, you don't have to take my word for it. Why don't we just ask the other mothers here and see what they think? [Looks around the hallway] Oh, that's right, there are no other mothers here! [Backs into his room] You just cost this floor their electricity privileges. [He shuts the door, and all other lights go out]
Leland: I happen to be a control freak. If you get me fired, I can just find another job where I can be a control freak. Kinko's is hiring a night manager. Either way, I've already written negative evaluation emails of these kids to the Office of Admissions. All I have to do is hit 'send.'
Kid: She overloaded a wall socket, too!
[The kids abandon Lois]
Leland: And now you. Any freshman psych major can see it's obvious life didn't pan out the way you thought it would. So now, to make up for it, you have to run your kid's life.
Malcolm: [to the audience] I don't know who to root for!
Leland: Simple truth is, you're just too afraid to let go of the one thing in your life that may be a success. But hey, you don't have to take my word for it. Why don't we just ask the other mothers here and see what they think? [Looks around the hallway] Oh, that's right, there are no other mothers here! [Backs into his room] You just cost this floor their electricity privileges. [He shuts the door, and all other lights go out]
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle
[Reese is burning ants with a magnifying glass]
Reese: [to an ant] Looking for a little picnic, huh? Looks like you've come to the wrong place!
Malcolm: There's one on your hand.
Reese: Ha ha! [aims the searing pinpoint of light from magnifying glass at his own hand] You've got a little surprise coming! Stupid ant...
Reese: [to an ant] Looking for a little picnic, huh? Looks like you've come to the wrong place!
Malcolm: There's one on your hand.
Reese: Ha ha! [aims the searing pinpoint of light from magnifying glass at his own hand] You've got a little surprise coming! Stupid ant...
TV Show: Malcolm in the Middle