Black Books Quotes

Bernard: [gibbering] They'd all laugh at me if they knew what I was trying to do... to create a new strain of super-wine in a half an hour with a fraction of nature's resources and a FOOL for an assistant. "Bernard Black, he's mad," they'd say. "He's insane. He's dangerous." Well I'll show them! I'll show them all!

TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: [customer buying book, hands it to Bernard] Oh, we've got a special offer on this one.
Customer: Really?
Bernard: Yeah, it's free if you break my legs.
Customer: [pauses] Fair enough
Bernard: GREAT! I'll get the hobbling post, there! [Waits for the customer to respond]
Customer: Wait, I think I've read this one, that's the problem with Woodhouse isn't it?
Bernard: It's all terrible, just hurry up and break my legs!
Customer: But I've already read it! No, I'm sorry, I've got to go!

TV Show: Black Books
Book Return Man: [brings back copy of Tempocalypse] I bought this for a friend, and they didn't want it, i was wondering if i could exchange it, preferably for the money
Bernard: [grabs the book and begins flicking through it rapidly then stops] Aha! sand! [collects some onto his finger]
Bernard: Manny! [sprinkles it into manny's mouth]
Manny: [tasting the sand] Sardinia... South... Porto Scuzo... The little beach by the monastery.
Bernard: [to customer] Get out! [shoves his book back into his hands]
Book Return Man: Damn! [leaves]

TV Show: Black Books
Female holidaymaker: Hi, we're looking for... [Bernard hands her a copy of Tempapocalypse]
Bernard: Here's one for you.
Female holidaymaker: How do you know what we both want?
Male holidaymaker: We don't like the same stuff.
Bernard: You're going on holiday. You want trash. But different kinds of trash. You, you want social themes, believable characters. You, you want suspense, thriller. This does you both. It's this temp. She's 29 and she can't get a boyfriend. Oh my god.
Female holidaymaker: Sounds great.
Male holidaymaker: No way.
Bernard: And she's got 12 hours to stop a nuclear war with China.
Male holidaymaker: Well, one copy each!

TV Show: Black Books
Nurse Kisilevsky: So, when was your last period?
Stacy: My what?
Nurse Kisilevsky: Your menses.
Stacy: I don't understand.
Nurse Kisilevsky: Okay. Each month you might notice a change in your body...
Stacy: I know what you mean. I just don't know why you'd want to know that kind of thing...

TV Show: Black Books
Stacy: You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.

TV Show: Black Books
Moo-Pa: Shop's still called Black Books, I see?
Bernard: Yeah. I was gonna call it World Of Tights, but you know how stupid people are; you have to spell everything out!

TV Show: Black Books
[After Bernard has taken up gambling and is looking through the Racing Form to develop a 'system']
Manny: There's only one system: bet, lose, borrow, steal, lose, take the drugs, lose, prison... death.
Bernard: Don't get pious; you started me off.
Manny: That was a just a flutter; this is Satan's bingo.

TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

TV Show: Black Books
Answer Machine: Yo, Manny! Paul here. The annual reggae barbeque on the barge is go, repeat go! Bring Pam or Sam or whatever her name is- [a short while later] Er Manny? Ah, Paul again. Listen, sorry I forgot to say; please don't bring that grumpy Irish bast-! [Bernard switches the machine off angrily]

TV Show: Black Books
Fran: You are being very mean to Manny.
Bernard: I can't help it. He looks like a horse in a man costume.

TV Show: Black Books
[An American tourist comes into the shop looking for a book on modern warfare]
Tourist: I don't want your little history grotto. I want modern warfare, infrared, fallout, killzones.
Bernard: Military history is on your right. If you have any questions just fire a couple of rounds into the ceiling!

TV Show: Black Books
Fran: [offering Bernard a mysterious object....] Bernard, do you want this? Buy this.
Bernard: What is it?
Fran: It's a thing.
Bernard: Is it?
Fran: Yes.
Bernard: What does it do?
Fran: [after considering] It's very in.
Bernard: You don't know what it is, do you?
Fran: I-it's very now.

TV Show: Black Books
Fran: [surveying the contents of her shop] I do sell a lot of wank, don't I?

TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: [reading form] Did your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year- [someone knocks on the door] Ah, thank Christ! [goes and answers the door] Yes?
Man 1: Hello, we were wondering whether we could talk to you about Jesus?
Bernard: [beat] Great! Come in!
Man 1: What?
Bernard: I'd love to hear about Jesus, what's he up to now? Come on, come on in.
Man 1: Er... are you sure?
Bernard: Yes, in, in, come in!
Man 2: [worriedly] It's a trick!
Man 1: It's just... generally... people don't say yes.
Bernard: Well, I'm not people! Come on in, let's talk beliefs!

TV Show: Black Books
Manny: [Concussed, confusing his calming tips] Add a drop of lavender to your milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.

TV Show: Black Books
Bernard[about the job]: The pay's not great, but the work is hard.

TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: What do they want from me? Why can't they leave me alone? I mean, what do they want from me?
Manny: They want to buy books.
Bernard: Yeah, but why me? Why do they come to me?
Manny: Well, because you sell books.
Bernard: Yeah, I know... but...

TV Show: Black Books
Manny: [reading Bernard's blackboard of shop rules] No mobiles, no... wigwams?.
Bernard: Walkmans!
Manny: [reading] No snoity... car... snoi-- This is indecipherable!
Bernard: Look, it is perfectly simple. [walks over to board and points out rules as he recites them] No mobiles! No walkmans! [points at rule number three and pauses] None of that! Or any of the others!
Manny: [squinting] ...Singe, bugger, cack.
Bernard: Signed, Bernard L. Black!
Manny: Oh. What's the L stand for?
Bernard: Ludwig. You know, Beethoven.
Manny: So, why did your parents decide to name you... ?
Bernard: [glares suspiciously at Manny at the mention of "parents"; puts up a face which reminds of Ludwig van Beethoven] What?!
Manny: [brief pause] Never mind.

TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: No one is willing to admit that wine doesn't actually have a taste.
Manny: Of course you can't taste anything, you smoke eighty bajillion cigarettes a day. What's that you're eating?
Bernard: Some sort of delicious biscuit.
Manny: It's a coaster.
Bernard: Is it? Are there any more?

TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: If you're gonna give the guy pencils for drinking his wine, you're talking about, you know, magic pencils. You draw a cow, the cow comes to life – those kind of pencils!

TV Show: Black Books
Cleaner: Dirty

TV Show: Black Books
Manny: I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe!

TV Show: Black Books
Cleaner: [Speaking into a dictaphone] North corner, cobwebs containing a number of deceased arachnids... with beans.

TV Show: Black Books
Manny: [Pretending to talk on the police station telephone, being watched by a policeman] Uh, yeah, hello...Raiders! You' it! Or I'll be down your manor with all the other policemen! And we'll arrest your arse! [timidly] Bye!

TV Show: Black Books
[Doing 'Good Cop, Bad Cop' with a local criminal]
Manny: You have... beautiful eyes.

TV Show: Black Books
Manny: You think I should wash my beard?
Bernard: Yes, I think you should wash it. Then you should shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow.

TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: Excuse me there seems to be some sort of mistake. I bought a drink and some popcorn and now I have no money.
Theater Worker: That's how much it costs.
Bernard: Why? Is it special popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high?

TV Show: Black Books
[Manny has run away and suffered a series of unfortunate calamities while on the phone with Bernard]
Fran: Well, where is he? How can I find him?
Bernard: Well, you could become a terrible event and happen to him.

TV Show: Black Books
Fran: Oh my god! Mickey Rourke had another facelift. He looks like his trousers.

TV Show: Black Books