M*A*S*H Quotes
Klinger: Sir, I only want a small, quick little wedding in Toledo then a teeny-tiny, one-two-three honeymoon!
Col. Blake Anyone who believes that, stand on their head.
Col. Blake Anyone who believes that, stand on their head.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Margaret (to Klinger at beginning of wedding): You have your nerve wearing white.
Klinger: Jealous?
Klinger: Jealous?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: Let's make a pact about drinking.
Trapper: All right.
Hawkeye: Let's never stop.
Trapper: All right.
Hawkeye: Let's never stop.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry (about Radar's tattoo): Radar, getting one of those is very unsanitary.
Radar: Oh, I washed my hands first, sir.
Radar: Oh, I washed my hands first, sir.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Margaret: Maybe we should talk to her for a second.
Frank: That only puts another dollar in the bank of permissiveness.
Frank: That only puts another dollar in the bank of permissiveness.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: Who's yours from, Trap?
Trapper: My five-year-old. Or my wife has started writing in crayon.
Trapper: My five-year-old. Or my wife has started writing in crayon.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye (to Trapper, walking into Mess Tent): Would you mind sucking in your shoulders?
Trapper: Pardon my build.
Trapper: Pardon my build.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye (as Frank, in his wedding film, is about to cut the wedding cake): Watch the cake die of malpractice.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry: You know, Major, you and your nurses can be a real pain in the butt. If you're not in here every five minutes complaining about them, they're in here saying you're Hermann Goering in drag!
Margaret: Which one of them said that?!?!
Henry: I'm not finking, Major.
Margaret: Which one of them said that?!?!
Henry: I'm not finking, Major.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Trapper (at show end as ribs are being served): Should we say grace?
Hawkeye: Praise the Lord, and pass the sauce.
Hawkeye: Praise the Lord, and pass the sauce.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Trapper (on the phone with old girlfriend): What're the ribs for?
Hawkeye (whispers): Anatomy Practice!
Trapper: Anatomy Practice. Yeah, they don't let us use real people. The sauce? Well, uh.. they don't let us use fake blood either. ...You understand!?
Hawkeye (whispers): Anatomy Practice!
Trapper: Anatomy Practice. Yeah, they don't let us use real people. The sauce? Well, uh.. they don't let us use fake blood either. ...You understand!?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
PA Announcement: Due to conditions beyond our control, we regret to announce that lunch is now being served.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Klinger: (On guard duty at night.) Halt! What's the password.
Hawkeye: (in a threatening tone) Outta my way, or i'll split your head open.
Klinger: ...Close enough!
Hawkeye: (in a threatening tone) Outta my way, or i'll split your head open.
Klinger: ...Close enough!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: (After Klinger says "liver.") Don't say Liver! You say that word again, i'll set your teeth on fire!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: (After hearing the main dish is liver and/or fish again) ...I didn't hear you say that. Because it isn't possible. It's inhuman to serve the same food day after day. The Geneva convention prohibits the killing of our tastebuds! I simply can not eat the same food day after day. Fish! Liver! Day after day! I've eaten a river of liver, and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, i'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver I can only make love if i'm smothered in bacon and onions! (to the rest of the mess tent) Are we going to stand for this?! Are we going to let them do this to us?! NO, I say NO! We're not going to eat this dreck anymore! (starts a riot) We want something else! We want something else! (While chanting continues) Draftees of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your cookies! We want something else! (protesting continues, then scene cuts to Hawkeye sitting in Henry's office).
Henry: Just who do you think you are, Pierce?!
Hawkeye: (looking up at Henry with guilt)...I broke under the pressure, warden.
Henry: Just who do you think you are, Pierce?!
Hawkeye: (looking up at Henry with guilt)...I broke under the pressure, warden.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Frank: Klinger, I want to see you out of that dress...tonight!
Klinger: Never on a first date, sir!
Klinger: Never on a first date, sir!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Frank: I don't care what Captain McIntyre said, I have never cared, and at this point I don't care twice as much as I never cared before!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: Say "hello," Trapper.
Trapper: Hello, Trapper.
Hawkeye: Isn't he clever? We had the bolts in his neck tightened yesterday.
Trapper: Hello, Trapper.
Hawkeye: Isn't he clever? We had the bolts in his neck tightened yesterday.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Radar (about the dog): Just a mutt. I give it stuff from the kitchen...although I don't like being cruel to animals.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry (talking to Hawkeye and Trapper about a missing lamb): Do I know, Do I know anything? Everything in this country disappears but me. Boy, I'd like to wake up one morning, look down, and find myself gone.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Trapper: Henry's not here.
Hawkeye: Are you sure? Sometimes when he's here I get that feeling.
Hawkeye: Are you sure? Sometimes when he's here I get that feeling.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Klinger: Colonel, if you can hear me, knock three times. If you can't, knock twice.
(Henry knocks twice)
Klinger: Good lord, he's dead.
(Henry knocks twice)
Klinger: Good lord, he's dead.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Trapper: What's the announcement, Radar?
Radar: It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.
Hawkeye: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.
Radar: It's a lecture. Colonel Blake's gonna tell us everything he knows about sex.
Hawkeye: It should be an enjoyable 60 seconds.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Frank: Colonel, you are not listening to me!
Henry: Uh, you'll have to speak a little louder, Frank. I'm not listening to you.
Henry: Uh, you'll have to speak a little louder, Frank. I'm not listening to you.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye (referring to his prisoner of war package): Father, why?
Mulcahy: Oh, according to the Geneva Convention, each prisoner is entitled to this package. You have a razor, toothpaste, soap, six aspirin, a wash cloth, and four Oreo cookies.
Hawkeye: Father, that's for a prisoner of war. I'm one of ours.
Mulcahy: In the eyes of the Lord, a prisoner's a prisoner.
Hawkeye: Well, thanks. And in your prayers, thank the big fella for me.
Mulcahy: Oh, MacArthur had nothing to do with it.
Mulcahy: Oh, according to the Geneva Convention, each prisoner is entitled to this package. You have a razor, toothpaste, soap, six aspirin, a wash cloth, and four Oreo cookies.
Hawkeye: Father, that's for a prisoner of war. I'm one of ours.
Mulcahy: In the eyes of the Lord, a prisoner's a prisoner.
Hawkeye: Well, thanks. And in your prayers, thank the big fella for me.
Mulcahy: Oh, MacArthur had nothing to do with it.
TV Show: M*A*S*H