M*A*S*H Quotes
Radar: [referring to Henry, after Frank and Margaret have asked to see him] I'm afraid he's doing some very important sleeping for the army right now.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Trapper: [while Hawkeye is working on Tuttle's profile] You should write fiction.
Hawkeye: You should read my file.
Hawkeye: You should read my file.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Margaret: You're drunk!
Henry: [slurring] That's a dirty lie. And I intend to press charges. The minute I'm sober.
Henry: [slurring] That's a dirty lie. And I intend to press charges. The minute I'm sober.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry: Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war. Rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: [thinking as he writes] I've never put much stock in ESP, but if it is possible for one person to read another person's mind, Radar has that ability. The little fink.
Radar: [walking past] Is that a nice thing to say?
Radar: [walking past] Is that a nice thing to say?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Trapper: What a mess. Stomach, kidney, liver...
Hawkeye: What is that, an organ recital?
Hawkeye: What is that, an organ recital?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: [to Henry] We're here to report a pair of missing Longjohns.
Trapper: [also to Henry] Which we own and you are wearing.
Henry: Can you identify them?
Hawkeye: I've got a better idea. How about you identify them? [Trapper covers Henry's eyes] Without looking.
Henry: Well they're long...
Trapper: And they're johns... they must be his.
Trapper: [also to Henry] Which we own and you are wearing.
Henry: Can you identify them?
Hawkeye: I've got a better idea. How about you identify them? [Trapper covers Henry's eyes] Without looking.
Henry: Well they're long...
Trapper: And they're johns... they must be his.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Frank: [to Klinger] The next time I see you, I wanna see a shine on those high heels!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Trapper: [Upon seeing Frank in the longjohns.] Look at what the giant rodent has on his body.
Hawkeye: Supparating pustules, if there's any justice. [to Frank] Where'd you get those longjohns!
Frank: Wouldn't you like to know!
Hawkeye: [picks up empty gas can and prepares to swing at Frank.] Those are mine you hermaphroditic weasel!
Frank: Possession is 9/10 of the law, Pierce. And I'm sleeping with a loaded baseball bat under my pillow, so don't try anything!
Hawkeye: If I didn't think it would keep you warm, Frank, I'd come over there and beat you to a pulp. Say your prayers, Frank, or the tooth fairy may come and knock out all your teeth!
Hawkeye: Supparating pustules, if there's any justice. [to Frank] Where'd you get those longjohns!
Frank: Wouldn't you like to know!
Hawkeye: [picks up empty gas can and prepares to swing at Frank.] Those are mine you hermaphroditic weasel!
Frank: Possession is 9/10 of the law, Pierce. And I'm sleeping with a loaded baseball bat under my pillow, so don't try anything!
Hawkeye: If I didn't think it would keep you warm, Frank, I'd come over there and beat you to a pulp. Say your prayers, Frank, or the tooth fairy may come and knock out all your teeth!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Col. Blake: [coming outside looking for Radar, yelling] Radar?
Hawkeye: SHH!
Col. Blake: Who are you shushing?!? What are you doing out here in your stockinged feet?!? You been at the still again, right?!?
Hawkeye: [whispering] I'm working on a bomb!
Col. Blake: What kind of a bomb?!?!
Hawkeye: [still whispering] An unexploded bomb!
Col. Blake: Oh! [whispering] THAT kind of bomb.
Hawkeye: SHH!
Col. Blake: Who are you shushing?!? What are you doing out here in your stockinged feet?!? You been at the still again, right?!?
Hawkeye: [whispering] I'm working on a bomb!
Col. Blake: What kind of a bomb?!?!
Hawkeye: [still whispering] An unexploded bomb!
Col. Blake: Oh! [whispering] THAT kind of bomb.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
[during a poker game in the Swamp]
Hawkeye: Can't you guys do that somewhere else?
Trapper: Why don't you do what you're doing somewhere else?
Hawkeye: I'm not doing anything!
Trapper: Well, you can do that anywhere, can't you?
Hawkeye: Can't you guys do that somewhere else?
Trapper: Why don't you do what you're doing somewhere else?
Hawkeye: I'm not doing anything!
Trapper: Well, you can do that anywhere, can't you?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Frank: I'll write you every day--faithfully.
Margaret: You promise?
Frank: Just like I do my wife.
Margaret: You promise?
Frank: Just like I do my wife.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry: You know, Frank, as rough as it's been, I think I'll miss you.
Frank: Well it might not have come to this if you had had the backbone to maintain some discipline.
Henry: Well--so much for missing you.
Frank: Well it might not have come to this if you had had the backbone to maintain some discipline.
Henry: Well--so much for missing you.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
General Clayton: Henry, are you sitting down?
Henry: [stands up] No, sir.
Clayton: Maybe you better.
Henry: [sits down] Yes, sir.
Hawkeye: Is he giving you calisthenics over the phone?
Henry: [stands up] No, sir.
Clayton: Maybe you better.
Henry: [sits down] Yes, sir.
Hawkeye: Is he giving you calisthenics over the phone?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry: It's bad enough that she's having a baby and I can't be there with her!
Radar: Well at least you were there for the important part.
Radar: Well at least you were there for the important part.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry: There's nothing wrong with Klinger. I mean, he goes out with girls.
Captain Hildebrand: Must be stealing their clothes.
Captain Hildebrand: Must be stealing their clothes.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: [orders breakfast] I'll have two scrambled powdered eggs and a slice of World War II surplus bread, and don't make it tasty.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: You're out of uniform!
Nurse: Where?
Hawkeye: How about my tent in five minutes?
Nurse: Where?
Hawkeye: How about my tent in five minutes?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Frank: I think it ill behooves us—
Hawkeye: Behooves? What, are we in the cavalry now?
Hawkeye: Behooves? What, are we in the cavalry now?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Sidney: Sign this, soldier.
Klinger: What's it say?
Sidney: It says that I have examined you and found you to be a transvestite and a homosexual.
Klinger: I ain't any of those. Where do you get off calling me that?
Sidney: I think I got the idea from your cleavage.
Klinger: Listen, all I want is a Section 8. You know what you can do with this.
Sidney: Hey soldier. You forgot your purse.
Klinger: What's it say?
Sidney: It says that I have examined you and found you to be a transvestite and a homosexual.
Klinger: I ain't any of those. Where do you get off calling me that?
Sidney: I think I got the idea from your cleavage.
Klinger: Listen, all I want is a Section 8. You know what you can do with this.
Sidney: Hey soldier. You forgot your purse.
TV Show: M*A*S*H