The Young Ones Quotes

Bambi: He represented the modal cathartic slipwit of the... [buzzer]
Bambi: Footlights, Monty.
Lord Monty: Wasn't it... Monk D'Wally de Honk?
Bambi: Can you give me any more?
Lord Monty: Certainly. Will £50 do?
Bambi: Absolutely. Spot on.

TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: So tell me Mrs. Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name?

TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: Didn't your mother ever tell you about the birds and the bees?
Neil: Mine did, but I didn't believe her. Well, I mean, what if the bird got stung, like halfway through? Well, I mean there's a big size difference. Ostriches are really big, right...

TV Show: The Young Ones
Vyvyan: I still don't see why we had to dig the grave... and carry the coffin, and... and everything else.
Neil: Well we're actually the ones who're responsible for his being in this position in the first place.
Vyvyan: Liberal.
Rick: Well you should've heard me and the undertakers Michael. [laughs]
Rick: We made up all these fabulous jokes about the undertaker coming 'round to measure my "stiffie."
Neil: Well, I thought we oughta have some sort of, like, floral tribute, but all I could find was this carrot; so I borrowed Rick's Biro...
Rick: You rented it, Neil, you rented it, and you still haven't paid.
Neil: Yeah, yeah. And I wrote something; "Sorry about everything being a bit of a bummer, you know, what with you dying and all. Still, things could've been worse; You could've been me, and ended-up having a really bad time all the time", signed, "Neil".
Mike: That's very touching, Neil.

TV Show: The Young Ones
Vyvyan: This calls for a delicate blend of psychology and extreme violence.

TV Show: The Young Ones
[Vyvyan bites into house brick and it explodes]
Vyvyan: Some of these bricks explode! Thats good, innit!

TV Show: The Young Ones
T.V Guy: Ah ha! so you do have it, you little runt!
Vyvyan: [waving] hello.
T.V Guy: The old trick eh? Eat the telly before i get a chance to nick yer.
Vyvyan: [pointing at the cable] Its a toaster.

TV Show: The Young Ones
Mike: Vyv! Eat the telly!
Vyvyan: I've been waiting for this!

TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: Okay! Pop music! Let's go! Anyone here like the Human League? [No-one is paying attention] Okay! [The song plays quietly. Two policemen run in and smash the record player]
Policeman 1: Right, the music's too loud! The neighbours have been complaining.

TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: I suppose you think it's pretty weird, don't you Mike? Well, you'd be right. 'Cause THAT'S the kind of guy I am, right? WEIRD. Which is why I go over people's heads. A bit like an aeroplane! You think I'm an aeroplane, don't you, Mike? Well, I'm not.

TV Show: The Young Ones
Vyvyan: I've been down the morgue! ... I got a leg! I'm supposed to write an essay on it, but I think I'm just gonna stick it on the bonnet of my car!

TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: I think Special Patrol Group is a stupid name for a hamster!
Vyvyan: Okay, I'll change it, then! Hello Cliff Richard!
Rick: Bastard!

TV Show: The Young Ones
Neil: What are you doing with my crucifix, Rick?
Rick: Protesting!
Neil: I don't wanna bring you down or anything, but I think that is a really negative way to try and kill yourself, I mean I tried it hundreds of times, there's no way you can hammer in the last nail.

TV Show: The Young Ones
[Rick demands an explaination as to why Vyvyan removed the toilet from the bathroom and threw it out the living room window]
Vyvyan: It's a well-known fact that you don't have to pay as much rent for a house with an outside lavvy!
Rick: Ahh... you know what Vyvyan, I think you did it on purpose because you know I've got a runny bottom!

TV Show: The Young Ones
Vyvyan: Shut your face, traitor! [Hits Rick in the crotch with the bat]
Rick: Hah! Missed both my legs! [grimaces]
Vyvyan: [smacks Rick in the head with the bat] SHUT UP!

TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: Five pounds to get in my own bedroom?! Hah! What have you done, turned it into a roller disco?
Mike: Uncanny!
[Rick walks into his room to find that it has indeed been turned into a roller disco.]

TV Show: The Young Ones
Vyvyan: We had a front door at the last house.
Rick: Yes, Vyvyan, but it was nailed to the ceiling in the living room!
Mike: Rick, it had to be done.
Vyvyan: Yeah! I had to! I was drunk!

TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: [Catches a golf ball] How's that? [Realises it is actually feces and groans in disgust, goes into bathroom and comes out] Who's been using my toothpaste?!
Mike: Vyvyan was writing an essay and he used it as Tipp-Ex.
Rick: Bastard!

TV Show: The Young Ones
Title Card: Underneath the Staircase: A Look at Everyday Life Beneath the Stairs
Cloth: Oh dear me, ma'am. I know it's our job to look after the young gentlemen as best we can, but I can't help but feel Young Master Neil do treat us very rough sometimes.
Brush: And so he should, young Lucy, for we love it. The complete negation of our personalities, the mind numbing servility, and the eighteen-hour day, and we expect no reward but a staircase over our heads.
Polish Spray: Oh yes, the personal abuse is our lot. And the further back you go, the better it was!
Brush: Now, everyone, the masters are coming downstairs to beat us. Not a peep out of you. Best behaviour, or you'll have me to answer to!

TV Show: The Young Ones
Mike: Who're you? I'm coming in here to watch Postman Pat.
Alexei: [the band leader] This is the band Radical Posture, and my name is Alexei Yuri Gagarin Siege of Stalingrad Glorious Five-Year Plan Sputnik Pravda Moscow Dynamo Back Four Balowski. Me Dad was a bit of a Communist, know what I mean?
Mike: You know you're the spitting image of our landlord, Jerzei?
Alexei: Yeah, he's my uncle, actually, you know.
Mike: It's incredible! You're as like as two peas.

TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: I'm not sharing a bedroom with THAT rubber Johnny! All right Neil, shut up. Before you say anything I just tossed a coin for who gets the bed and you lost. It's completely fair and if you don't believe me, ask Mike.
Neil: [despondently] Oh, uh. Okay Rick. [Audience awws]
Rick: What?
Neil: What?
Rick: What did you just say?
Neil: Huh?
Rick: You just called me a bastard didn't you!

TV Show: The Young Ones
Mike: Oh, and Neil? I want that £1.50 by Friday or else another moose dies.

TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: : What are you doing, Vyvyan?
Vyvyan: : I'm entering a contest to win a Ford Tippex. You have to say what Cornflakes mean to you in 10 words. So I said: Cornflakes. Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes. Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes, Cornflakes.
Rick: : Pathetic! You'll never win, Vyvyan.
Vyvyan: Why not?
Rick: It's only nine words.
Vyvyan: [writing] Corn...flakes!

TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: : [to Suggs of Madness, the live band playing at the pub] Do any of you lot know Summer Holiday by Cliff Richard?
Suggs: : You 'um it, I'll smash your face in.
Rick: : [taken aback] I'll go sit over there...

TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: Bloody hell. No room for me on the sofa as usual. I'll have to sit on the rickety chair. (going over to the TV) Oh goody goody gumdrops. Just in time to watch "Oh Crikey" on ITV!
Neil: Oh, Rick! We were watching "Bastard Squad"!

TV Show: The Young Ones
Vyvyan's Mum: Well aren't you going to introduce me to your friends?
Vyvyan: Oh yeah. Uh, this is a friend of mine called Mike... uh... this is a friend of mine called Neil...
Neil: Hello.
Vyvyan: And that's a complete bastard I know called Rick.
Rick: [laughing] He's just joshing, Mrs. Vyvyan, we're actually terrific friends.
Vyvyan's Mum: Ooh-ah. He is a bastard, isn't he?
Rick: Tell me, Mrs Vyvyan, why did you give him a girl's name?
(Vyvyan punches Rick in the face, knocking him out of his chair and onto the floor. Vyvyan's Mum steps over to Rick and kicks him.]

TV Show: The Young Ones
Vyvyan: Neil, want to see my new trick? [Neil meditates]
Vyvyan: Oh, Mike, do you want to see my new trick?
Mike: No, I'm busy with the paper.
Vyvyan: Rick?
Rick: No I don't Vyvyan, I've got something more important to think about too. [Neil meditates]
Vyvyan: Look! Watch my trick you bastard or I'll kill you!!! Brilliant, hey!.. Oh, dear. Wrong finger... Arrrrrhhhh, ah, ah, ah, arrrgghhhh!
Neil: Hey, Vyvyan. Vyvyan! I think you cut off one of your fingers!

TV Show: The Young Ones
Policeman 1: I reckon I could have slept with her, if it wasn't for something I said. But we had a row and, uh... I said something about the Pope.
Policeman 2: That's a bit stupid, you know she's Catholic.
Policeman 1: Yeah, I know she's Catholic, but I didn't know the Pope was.

TV Show: The Young Ones
Papa Bear: Who's been gobbing in my lentils?
Mama Bear and Baby Bear: Yes! Who's been gobbing in our lentils?
Papa Bear: Sod it. Let's go to McDonald's.
Mama Bear and Baby Bear: Yes!

TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: Hey! Wouldn't it be a-mazing if all this money was real?
Vyvyan: That is the single most predictable... and BORING thing that anybody, could ever say whilst playing Monopoly.
Rick: What about 'Vyvyan'? I can say 'Vyvyan' can't I? Tht's boring.
Vyvyan: You have won second prize in a beauty contest...
[Rick Laughs]
Vyvyan: ...smash Rick over the head with the bank!
[Vyvyan attacks Rick]
Rick: It did not say that! Michael, Vyvyan is cheating!
Vyvyan: Mike?
Mike: No, he's right, Rick: that's exactly what it says.
Rick: In biro, Mike! In biro over the top of the print!
Vyvyan: But we have to change the rules because Monopoly's so boring!
Rick: Congratulations, it is your birthday, you may set fire to Rick's Bed.
Vyvyan: Good one!
Rick: Get out of jail free: you may keep this card, sell it or stick it up Rick's bottom! Vyvyan, you've ruined the game!
Vyvyan: I WAS BORED!
Mike: It gets worse! Neil's gone down to the garden to kill himself... and it's his go.

TV Show: The Young Ones