M*A*S*H Quotes

Hawkeye: You know, we gotta do it someday... throw away all the guns and invite all the jokers from the north and the south to a cocktail party. Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war.

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Frank: [spotting Hawkeye browsing through his personal shelf] What are you doing there?!
Hawkeye: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.
Frank: Since when are you interested in the Bible?
Trapper: I peeked at the end, Frank. The Devil did it.

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry: Radar, do you know what kind of wood this is?
Radar: Oak, sir?
Henry: Nope - it's oak.

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Trapper: Hurry up, the truck will be here soon.
[Radar looks up as if he hears something and moves faster]
Hawkeye: I think we just passed soon!

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry: Whatever it is, even if the answer is "yes," it's "no."

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Radar: If he wanted to, he could be a platoon. [Trapper looks at Hawkeye.] And he's mean-looking, too. [makes a face to show what he looks like]

TV Show: M*A*S*H
General Barker: What are you doing, Corporal?
Radar: Doing, sir?
Barker: D-O-I-N-G! What are you doing?
Radar: I'm listening to you spell "doing", sir.

TV Show: M*A*S*H
[in shorts, T-shirt, and dressing gown]
Hawkeye: Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?

TV Show: M*A*S*H
General Barker: Nurse, is everyone in this outfit crazy?
Nurse: Everybody who's sane is, sir.

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: I'm gonna do something about this--I'm going to Henry.
Spearchucker: Henry? Our Henry?
Trapper: I thought you said you were going to do something about this.

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Trapper: [about the Swamp] Somebody sneaked in here and committed a neatness!

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: Three hours ago, this man was in a battle. Two hours ago, we operated on him. He's got a fifty-fifty chance. We win some, we lose some. That's what it's all about. No promises. No guaranteed survival. No "saints in surgical garb." Our willingness, our experience, our technique are not enough. Guns and bombs and anti-personnel mines have more power to take life than we have to preserve it. Not a very happy ending to a movie. But then again, no war is a movie.

TV Show: M*A*S*H
[An army film unit is making a documentary at the camp.]
Frank: [Reading from the film script] "...from the strong, capable hands of a Yankee Doodle Doctor."
Trapper: [laughing] A Yankee Doodle --
Hawkeye: [singing] Stuck a feather in his nurse...
Hawkeye and Trapper: ...and called her macaroni!

TV Show: M*A*S*H
[In the film, Hawkeye plays the "Yankee Doodle Doctor" as a Groucho Marx-esque type character, and Trapper as a Harpo Marx-esque character. The first scene shows Radar as a patient being unloaded from an ambulance. ]
Nurse: Doctor, can you give him a hand?
Yankee Doodle Doctor: I'd rather give you one!
Radar: Are you the Yankee Doodle Doctor?
Yankee Doodle Doctor: I certainly am!
Trapper: *HONK!*HONK!*
[Scene cuts to the Mess tent everyone watching the film with Hawkeye and Trapper laughing at people]
Radar: Gosh, am I glad they brought me here!
Yankee Doodle Doctor: Wait a minute, have you got a reservation?
Radar: A reservation?!
Yankee Doodle Doctor: I'm afraid we're all booked up through New Years!
Trapper: *HONK!*
Radar: But, Doctor!
Yankee Doodle Doctor: I'm sorry, kid. You should've booked ahead. Come to think of it, you should've booked the rest of the body as well!

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: I had a dream last night that I was asleep and I dreamed it while I was awake!

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry: This is the army! No one can do the best they can!

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Trapper: Does Henry have an enemy?
Hawkeye: Doesn't sound like the work of a friend. I think we better keep an eye on him.
Trapper: Now?
Hawkeye: He may not have a later.

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Trapper: Come on, Frank! Outta the way!
Frank: You're not going anywhere in that, McIntyre. This jeep is the official property of the US Army in general and Col. Blake in particular and as such is to be used for the official duties thereof and nothing else.
Trapper: Frank, you're sucking around to become a hit and run case. Move!
Frank: Over my dead body.
Trapper: Great idea!

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Radar: They aren't gonna like this.
Frank: I didn't come here to be liked.
Radar: You certainly came to the right place.

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: Do you mind if we swim through?

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Henry: I assume you've all read my notice concerning the recent crime wave.
Hawkeye: I would've read it, but the notice was stolen.

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: You know, I never hit a woman.
Burns: You lay one finger on Margaret...
Hawkeye: I was talking about you, Frank.

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Frank: I'm only paranoid because everyone's against me!

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: Ghouls? Thats a nice thing to call us vampires.

TV Show: M*A*S*H
PA Announcement: Attention, the following personnel have volunteered to go on a ten-mile fitness hike. [Silence]

TV Show: M*A*S*H
PA Announcement: Due to the number of people bored last Sunday, next Sunday will be canceled.

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: Edwina, may I kiss you?
Edwina: Is your mouth insured?

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: Did you want to say something, Henry, or were you just hoping for a free tonsillectomy?

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Radar: [referring to a book Hawkeye is holding] War AND Peace?
Trapper: Well, Tolstoy was very flexible. He went either way.

TV Show: M*A*S*H
Anderson: I'll tell you how I feel about ol' Johann Sebastian.
Radar: Now that's highly significant.
Anderson: I haven't said anything yet.
Radar: That's OK. I have confidence in you, Lieutenant.

TV Show: M*A*S*H