M*A*S*H Quotes
Frank: I'm fine, Mom. Well actually, I'm not. You see, I had this friend. And this friend only pretended to like me. You know, the way Dad used to?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Frank: Yeah. I thought I'd hit the town with that new nurse.
Margaret: You mean the little red-headed one with the freckles on her nose?
Frank: Yeah, that one.
Margaret: Don't you think she's a bit young for you?
Frank: (smugly) Well, yeah. I just thought that a little youth would be nice for a change.
Margaret: You mean the little red-headed one with the freckles on her nose?
Frank: Yeah, that one.
Margaret: Don't you think she's a bit young for you?
Frank: (smugly) Well, yeah. I just thought that a little youth would be nice for a change.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Frank: Pierce, you disgust me!
Hawkeye: That's right, Frank. I discussed you with everyone I know. They all think you're disgusting.
Hawkeye: That's right, Frank. I discussed you with everyone I know. They all think you're disgusting.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Radar[reading Hawkeye's letter]: "Take care, son. We are connecting the dogs."
Hawkeye: That's "counting the days."
Radar: "We are counting the days. All my love..." Major Burns.
Hawkeye: What?
Radar: Major Burns, coming this way.
Hawkeye: That's "counting the days."
Radar: "We are counting the days. All my love..." Major Burns.
Hawkeye: What?
Radar: Major Burns, coming this way.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Margaret (to Colonel Potter): When's the last time I came to you? I ask so little?
Hawkeye: And she gives so much.
Hawkeye: And she gives so much.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Radar (talking about his promotion): It just come right outta the blue!
Hawkeye: Nah, the way you've been lifting that barge, toting that bale.
BJ: Not getting drunk and landing in jail.
Hawkeye: Had to happen.
BJ: It was in the cards.
Hawkeye: Nah, the way you've been lifting that barge, toting that bale.
BJ: Not getting drunk and landing in jail.
Hawkeye: Had to happen.
BJ: It was in the cards.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Margaret: Did you ever once show me any friendship? Ever ask my help in a personal problem? Include me in one of your little bull sessions? Can you imagine how it feels to walk by this tent and... [gasps and breaks down] hear you laughing and know that I'm not welcome? Did you ever offer me a lousy cup of coffee?
Nurse: We didn't think you'd accept.
Margaret: Well, you were wrong.
Nurse: We didn't think you'd accept.
Margaret: Well, you were wrong.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Klinger (as a Korean girl stares at his dress): This is what happens to you when you don't eat your vegetables.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Frank: I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage no matter how ugly or disgusting it gets. I'd kill her before I'd divorce her!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Sidney: Freud said that there is a link between anger and wit. Anger turned inwards is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
BJ: Some guys shoot themselves in the foot to get sent back home.
Klinger: Not me. I'd ruin a perfectly good pair of nylons.
Klinger: Not me. I'd ruin a perfectly good pair of nylons.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: Maybe they'd be interested in an exchange. We could keep Paik and give them Frank.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter: If Frank Burns makes any more patronizing cracks about my age, I'll take him behind the motor pool and let the air out of his tires.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(both drunk, under fire, in a foxhole)
Potter: Fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: Fire it? I don't even like looking at it!
Potter: I said fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: All right. [To the gun] You're fired! [To Potter] I did it as gently as I could.
Potter: That was an order, Pierce.
Hawkeye (Snapping his fingers): Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please?
Potter: Fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: Fire it? I don't even like looking at it!
Potter: I said fire that weapon!
Hawkeye: All right. [To the gun] You're fired! [To Potter] I did it as gently as I could.
Potter: That was an order, Pierce.
Hawkeye (Snapping his fingers): Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(talking about Frank)
BJ: Can't you do something?
Potter: Like sit him down and have a talk with him?
Hawkeye: No, like stand him up and have him shot.
Potter: Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.
BJ: Can't you do something?
Potter: Like sit him down and have a talk with him?
Hawkeye: No, like stand him up and have him shot.
Potter: Don't be absurd. There'd be an inquiry.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
BJ (regarding Sophie's condition): Too much dry grass, not enough water; she's got colic.
Radar: Ooh, that's serious!
Hawkeye: Colic?
BJ: He says it could kill her. Her intestines are blocked; we need to keep her on her feet so they don't twist. And...we gotta clean her out. Lots and lots of warm water.
Hawkeye: ...I think I'll stroll on up to the front and see how the shooting's going.
Radar: Ooh, that's serious!
Hawkeye: Colic?
BJ: He says it could kill her. Her intestines are blocked; we need to keep her on her feet so they don't twist. And...we gotta clean her out. Lots and lots of warm water.
Hawkeye: ...I think I'll stroll on up to the front and see how the shooting's going.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Margaret: You all know what day this is. Friday the 13th.
Frank: She's right, and--nah, doesn't mean a thing.
Hawkeye: Don't say that, Frank. I once spent Friday the 13th in a haunted house with a friend. I was never more frightened in my life.
Potter: You see a ghost?
Hawkeye: No, her husband materialized out of nowhere.
Frank: She's right, and--nah, doesn't mean a thing.
Hawkeye: Don't say that, Frank. I once spent Friday the 13th in a haunted house with a friend. I was never more frightened in my life.
Potter: You see a ghost?
Hawkeye: No, her husband materialized out of nowhere.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
BJ: My aunt once talked to the spirit of Sigmund Freud.
Frank: That's impossible!
BJ: Then how come he sent her a bill?
Frank: That's impossible!
BJ: Then how come he sent her a bill?
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: We're a bunch of pediatricians. Oh, except for you, Frank.
Frank: Oh? And what am I?
Hawkeye: Don't rush me, I'm still thinking about it.
Margaret: Clumsy oaf.
Hawkeye: No prompting from the studio audience.
Frank: Oh? And what am I?
Hawkeye: Don't rush me, I'm still thinking about it.
Margaret: Clumsy oaf.
Hawkeye: No prompting from the studio audience.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
(Klinger and Radar watch Sidney play a game of imaginary basketball with Hawkeye)
Klinger: Is it any wonder I can't get a Section Eight? In this unit, if you want to be crazy, you gotta stand in line.
Klinger: Is it any wonder I can't get a Section Eight? In this unit, if you want to be crazy, you gotta stand in line.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter: How can you see with those filthy glasses?
Radar: I know where everything is.
Radar: I know where everything is.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
[Klinger is playing horseshoes with Potter.]
Potter: I don't know how you do it, Klinger.
Klinger: Well, sir, I learned how to throw horseshoes in Toledo.
Potter: What's that got to do with it?
Klinger: We didn't throw them for fun. We threw them in self-defense!
Potter: I don't know how you do it, Klinger.
Klinger: Well, sir, I learned how to throw horseshoes in Toledo.
Potter: What's that got to do with it?
Klinger: We didn't throw them for fun. We threw them in self-defense!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Potter: We all know when the Good Lord passed out paranoia, Frank Burns got on line twice.
Hawkeye: Three times; and the third time, he denied ever being in line!
Hawkeye: Three times; and the third time, he denied ever being in line!
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Hawkeye: I think I'm having an identity crisis. I know I'm Dr. Pierce, but I want to be God.
BJ: If you ever get the job, don't forget your old friends.
BJ: If you ever get the job, don't forget your old friends.
TV Show: M*A*S*H
Klinger (to Zale): If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards!
TV Show: M*A*S*H