Home Movies Quotes

Brendon: [directing a cop movie] Okay - Interior, unmarked police car, morning. Mulligan and Winooski sit and slurp their coffee. Mulligan is behind the wheel.
Melissa Robbins: [Jason and Melissa slurp their coffee alternatly] Slurp.
Jason: Slurp.
Melissa Robbins: Slurp.
Jason: Slurp.
Brendon: They finish - they finish the coffee.
Jason: Slurp.
Melissa Robbins: Slurp.
Jason: Slurp.
Melissa Robbins: Slurp.
Jason: My head is spinning.
Brendon: Oh, they put that coffee down. Oh boy, that coffee is going downtown...
Melissa Robbins: Slurp.
Jason: Slurp.
Brendon: [shouts] Put the coffee down!

Movie: Home Movies
Coach McGuirk: Uh, this is a poem I call New York Times. New York Times. / New York Times. / You think you're better than us? / Us? / U-S? / USA? / No Way. Thank you.

Movie: Home Movies
Coach McGuirk: I'll race / To feel the wind in my face / And I'll race / To feel alive / And I'll race / To feel like I own this place / And I'll race until I die / And I'll race against the other racers / And I'll race with one big shout / And I'll race against the clock / And I'll race against myself / And I'll race / And I'll race!

Movie: Home Movies
Coach McGuirk: Brendon there's nothing wrong with lying to women. Or the government. Or parents. Or God.

Movie: Home Movies
Coach McGuirk: I can't sleep, I have insomnia.
Melissa Robbins: What's that?
Coach McGuirk: You don't know what insomnia is?
Melissa Robbins: No.
Coach McGuirk: It's when you can't sleep.
Melissa Robbins: Did you try lying on your bed and, you know, having your eyes closed and just relaxing?
Coach McGuirk: Oh, that's genius Melissa. What a great idea. Let me write that down. So you're saying what I have to do to fall asleep, is go to sleep. Right? Is that what you're saying, Melissa? Good. 'Cause it's brilliant! You should write a book! You should give seminars, all right, you'll make millions of dollars! Attention all insomniacs, all you have to do to fall asleep, [shouts]
Coach McGuirk: is lie in your bed*!
Melissa Robbins: All right! Coach, I was just trying to help.
Coach McGuirk: I'm sorry, Melissa, I didn't mean to snap at you, all right? It's just that I haven't slept in four nights, all right? Then I've got you peeping in my ear about stretching.
Melissa Robbins: I'm just trying to help.
Coach McGuirk: Like every other woman in my life!

Movie: Home Movies
Melissa Robbins: You'll have to wear glasses and people will make fun of you for the rest of your life, they'll call you four eyes and idiot!
Jason: Then forget the glasses. I just won't read anymore.
Melissa Robbins: Then they'll just call you idiot.
Jason: Okay, how about laser surgery?
Melissa Robbins: Well, that's fine if you don't mind growing an extra arm...
Jason: I don't mind; it will help...
Melissa Robbins: ...Out of your eye!
Jason: Oh my god!

Movie: Home Movies
Coach McGuirk: I swear to God I'm gonna come down hard on you on Monday. It's gonna be like a friggin' hurricane.

TV Show: Home Movies
Jason Penopolis: People hate me!

TV Show: Home Movies
Brendon Small: And demand number two--
Melissa Robbins and Jason Penopolis: Three.
Brendon: Three. Pizzaaaaaa!
All: Yay!

TV Show: Home Movies
Coach McGuirk: I've got trademark products all over my body because I was drunk one night. Don't live like me.

TV Show: Home Movies
Jason: How come we're in France?
Brendon: Because, that's where...dramatic scenes...take place.

TV Show: Home Movies
Coach McGuirk: You know, I mean, uh, kids don't want to do anything. You know, in my experience, Paula? Kids are always like "I don't wanna do that!" I consider my job to kinda twist them in the direction of doing stuff. I mean that's what coaching's all about. That's why I love it. Every day I go out there and I twist the kids into doing something they don't wanna do!

TV Show: Home Movies
Brendon: Hey everybody, guess what? McGuirk's gonna come after your moms!

TV Show: Home Movies
Melissa: It's all my fault! It should be me behind bars with a French, stupid guard, not you!
Brendon: Yes! I agree, mother! You're a horrible person!

TV Show: Home Movies
Paula: Brendon, Mr. Lynch called.
Brendon: Oh, Jesus.

TV Show: Home Movies
Mr. Lynch: You make your little movies. Right?
Brendon: Yes
Mr. Lynch: That takes a little thought right?
Brendon: YES!

TV Show: Home Movies
Mr. Lynch: You are not doing well at any subject and uh if you continue on this path. You will be in the fourth grade for the next four years.

TV Show: Home Movies
Melissa: Well maybe stop thinking about yourself for a minute and how do you think it's going to be for me, If you have to stay in the fourth grade.
Brendon: And you're in fifth?
Melissa: Well yeah I'm going to be in fifth. I'm not getting left back.
Brendon: You can get held back with me.
Melissa: Well I'm not as good at not doing my work as you are.
Brendon: Didn't think about that.

TV Show: Home Movies
Brendon: [as speech giver] As far as the annual report goes I don't have it on me and a ohhh. In the mean time I would Oohhh boy I think I might be turning into a monster!
(Brendon transforms into Jason, dressed like monster)
Jason: Auggggh! Auggggh! I'm a Mon-Ster!
Melissa: Help!
Brendon: (as guy in a hat) Hey! He's using telekinesis!
Jason: That's right! I'm using telekimesis! I'll burn you all up and make you crispy!
Melissa: My flesh is getting hot!

TV Show: Home Movies
Coach McGuirk: You know Lynch, uh, it's funny when I talk to you, I get a little uncomfortable because I feel like you're being condescending to me, and I hope that's not the case, because if it is, I'm gonna kick your ass, and if it isn't, let's clear it up right now. So, you can tell me whether you're being condescending to me whenever we speak, and if you say yes, I'm gonna beat you up right here in the faculty lounge, and if you say no then I'm going to, uh, say, "Fine." Alright? You being condescending right now?
Mr. Lynch: Hmm.

TV Show: Home Movies
Jason: Excuse me, monster coming through. Coming through, how you doin'?
Melissa: Aim for his heart. Aim for his heart!
Brendon: Fire!
Jason: Ahhh!
Melissa: Direct Hit.
Jason: Ahh! Maybe you should look at yourself before you take it out on me. I'm just one monster and when I'm gone! You'll remember me! Ooow! Oww! And then you'll have to at yourselves. And own up to what you've done. For isn't every man a monster!
Brendon: I guess he's right! I guess we're all!
Jason: Your're damn right I'm right!
Brendon: Yea Yeah I know!
Jason: Stop shooting!
Brendon: Ok! Hey guys!
Jason: Don't you realize that if you stop now I might be able to get surgery!
Brendon: Uhh yeah I'm going to tell them hold on.
Jason: Tell the guy that's shooting to stop shooting!
Brendon: Who's shooting!?!
Jason: Oh for god's sakes, tell 'em to stop!
Brendon: I'm trying!
Jason: I mean hello!
Brendon: I know!
Jason: Do you have any control of your people!?!?!
Brendon: I..I Who's shooting?!? Please stop!
Jason: Ah forget it, leave him alone. I'll just die!

TV Show: Home Movies
Jason: Kill you first! Kill you first, lady!

TV Show: Home Movies
(Brendon showing his video for his project)
Brendon On Video: Kubrick, Scorsese, Ogman, Spielberg, Lucas. They are all fabuolous directors and everything single one of them had a tutor. Just like me. Thank you very much. I hope you enjoyed my speech. Back to you Brendon.
Brendon: Thank you Brendon. Good work up there by the way.
Brendon On Video: Thanks. How are you doing?
Brendon: Fine. How are you doing?
Brendon On Video: Fine. Mr. Lynch.
Mr. Lynch: Brendon.
Brendon On Video: Ha Ha!
Brendon: What's this a glass of water?
(Brendon drinks it and puts his arm behind the tv)
Brendon On Video: Oh say can you see. By the dawn's early light.

TV Show: Home Movies
Paula: This isn't a Water Pic

TV Show: Home Movies
Brendon: I'd like to make an appointment, with you if you're free, on Wednesday.
Shannon: About what time?
Brendon: I'm thinking maybe 3: 30. Alright keep that open.
Shannon: What's this about?
Brendon: I'm going to pound the crap out of you.

TV Show: Home Movies
Jason: What happens after you punch his butt a second time?
Brendon: I'm gonna probably kick him.
Jason: Kick him! Where you gonna kick him?
Brendon: I'm gonna go for the butt again.
Jason: Okay. Let's get away from the butt.

TV Show: Home Movies
Paula: Someday, Brendon, you're gonna be with a woman, or a man, who likes you just for you.
Brendon: Or both. Who knows, mom. I'm young. Don't start forcing roles on me.

TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: You want to catch him off guard. Show me what you'd do.
Brendon: (Singing) Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful...
McGuirk: No, that was more weird, I would of expected a shove or something.

TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: Oh shit, I thought about grapes again.

TV Show: Home Movies
Eugene: I pee in coach canteen.
McGuirk: (after drinking pee from his canteen and trying to eat turkey to get rid of the taste) Ugh, it tastes like pee turkey.

TV Show: Home Movies