Home Movies Quotes
Lynch: You know, Brendon, a lot of this information is actually in your book. Remember those things with the cover-like on them?
Brendon: Uh, the books.
Lynch: Yeah, remember the one that says "History" and has Washington on the cover?
Brendon: Yeah, um, I got that somewhere.
Lynch: Yeah, that's a history book.
Brendon: Okay.
Brendon: Uh, the books.
Lynch: Yeah, remember the one that says "History" and has Washington on the cover?
Brendon: Yeah, um, I got that somewhere.
Lynch: Yeah, that's a history book.
Brendon: Okay.
TV Show: Home Movies
Lynch: Brendon...
Brendon: Yeah?
Lynch: Do you feel like you get easily distracted? Let me put this another way: You get easily distracted. Did you know that?
Brendon: Well, let me ask you something. Do you know how hot dogs are made?
Lynch: Hmm...I think we're going to have to find a way to get you to focus.
Brendon: On what?
Lynch: On what? On what do you think?
Brendon: On what do I think?
Lynch: Yes.
Brendon: Yes, as in correct?
Lynch: Yes, as in correct! Now, what do you think is what you should focus on?
Brendon: Yes, as in correct on what do I think is what I should focus on?
Lynch: Mm-hmm.
Brendon: On those grades of mine?
Lynch: Yes, as in correct, but I think the problem here is that you have a hard time paying attention.
Brendon: On that, What I think is yes, as in correct.
Brendon: Yeah?
Lynch: Do you feel like you get easily distracted? Let me put this another way: You get easily distracted. Did you know that?
Brendon: Well, let me ask you something. Do you know how hot dogs are made?
Lynch: Hmm...I think we're going to have to find a way to get you to focus.
Brendon: On what?
Lynch: On what? On what do you think?
Brendon: On what do I think?
Lynch: Yes.
Brendon: Yes, as in correct?
Lynch: Yes, as in correct! Now, what do you think is what you should focus on?
Brendon: Yes, as in correct on what do I think is what I should focus on?
Lynch: Mm-hmm.
Brendon: On those grades of mine?
Lynch: Yes, as in correct, but I think the problem here is that you have a hard time paying attention.
Brendon: On that, What I think is yes, as in correct.
TV Show: Home Movies
[After seeing the end of the movie]
Paula: Foremothers, huh?
Brendon: Yeah, I wanted to be equal.
Paula: Yeah.
Brendon: Did you enjoy it?
Paula: Mm...yes. It was a little confusing.
Brendon: Well, it's the kind of movie you have to watch a few times to totally get.
Paula: I'm sort of concerned, though, about your brains.
Brendon: What about them?
Paula: I'm concerned that they might have been damaged.
Brendon: Oh, so, you've seen my test.
Paula: I don't think that counted as a test, because in a test, you're supposed to answer the questions.
Brendon: I know.
Paula: You did not answer the questions.
Brendon: I know.
Paula: Though you did diagram the sentences of the questions...
Brendon: Yeah.
Paula: Which you did wrong.
Brendon: Am I in trouble?
Paula: Well, the bad news is you are grounded.
Brendon: What's the good news?
Paula: I'm not letting you use your camera for a week.
Brendon: I think that's still bad news.
Paula: Trust me. That is good news.
Paula: Foremothers, huh?
Brendon: Yeah, I wanted to be equal.
Paula: Yeah.
Brendon: Did you enjoy it?
Paula: Mm...yes. It was a little confusing.
Brendon: Well, it's the kind of movie you have to watch a few times to totally get.
Paula: I'm sort of concerned, though, about your brains.
Brendon: What about them?
Paula: I'm concerned that they might have been damaged.
Brendon: Oh, so, you've seen my test.
Paula: I don't think that counted as a test, because in a test, you're supposed to answer the questions.
Brendon: I know.
Paula: You did not answer the questions.
Brendon: I know.
Paula: Though you did diagram the sentences of the questions...
Brendon: Yeah.
Paula: Which you did wrong.
Brendon: Am I in trouble?
Paula: Well, the bad news is you are grounded.
Brendon: What's the good news?
Paula: I'm not letting you use your camera for a week.
Brendon: I think that's still bad news.
Paula: Trust me. That is good news.
TV Show: Home Movies
Andrew: How's the documentary?
Brendon: Good.
AndrewHow's Cynthia?
Brendon: Hates me.
Andrew: Good, everything seems to be in order then.
Brendon: Actually, the way I had it originally planned is that she would like me instead of hate. I somehow mixed it up.
Andrew Ah.
Brendon: Yeah.
Andrew: You accidentally made her hate you instead of like you?
Brendon: Yes I must have mixed something up.
Andrew: Hmm, sometimes that happens, a classic problem. Did you uh, try too hard around her?
Brendon: Yes, I tried very hard, I tried very, very hard.
Andrew: It didn’t work? Have you been acting weird around her?
Brendon: Yes!
Andrew: Unnatural? Did you try acting unnaturally?
Brendon: Yes! I rehearsed.
Andrew: Right. Did you blurt stuff out you didn’t mean?
Brendon: Yes! I figured, I’m gonna make myself more memorable.
Andrew: Mmhmm, right. So she’s never seen you relaxed?
Brendon: No, she’s never seen me-No. And she still hates me!
Andrew: Hmm, well have you told her how you feel about her?
Brendon: Hahahahaha, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
Brendon: Good.
AndrewHow's Cynthia?
Brendon: Hates me.
Andrew: Good, everything seems to be in order then.
Brendon: Actually, the way I had it originally planned is that she would like me instead of hate. I somehow mixed it up.
Andrew Ah.
Brendon: Yeah.
Andrew: You accidentally made her hate you instead of like you?
Brendon: Yes I must have mixed something up.
Andrew: Hmm, sometimes that happens, a classic problem. Did you uh, try too hard around her?
Brendon: Yes, I tried very hard, I tried very, very hard.
Andrew: It didn’t work? Have you been acting weird around her?
Brendon: Yes!
Andrew: Unnatural? Did you try acting unnaturally?
Brendon: Yes! I rehearsed.
Andrew: Right. Did you blurt stuff out you didn’t mean?
Brendon: Yes! I figured, I’m gonna make myself more memorable.
Andrew: Mmhmm, right. So she’s never seen you relaxed?
Brendon: No, she’s never seen me-No. And she still hates me!
Andrew: Hmm, well have you told her how you feel about her?
Brendon: Hahahahaha, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
TV Show: Home Movies
[Melissa is in the mall selling items in her Fairy Princess costume.]
McGuirk: Give me those wings.
Melissa: No, I'll get in trouble. Coach, please.
McGuirk: No. Coach wants to fly away.
Melissa: Coach, are you drunk?
McGuirk: Yeah, that's why I came to the mall.
McGuirk: Give me those wings.
Melissa: No, I'll get in trouble. Coach, please.
McGuirk: No. Coach wants to fly away.
Melissa: Coach, are you drunk?
McGuirk: Yeah, that's why I came to the mall.
TV Show: Home Movies
{Melissa, Jason and Brendon are in their movies about two mates and a captain on shore leave, with Melissa as the captian}
Melissa: I gots a better idea what we can do! Let's punch out some scumsuckers, and get drunk, and pee out the window! Then seduce women! Lots of women! Arrgh!
Jason: What window?
Melissa: I gots a better idea what we can do! Let's punch out some scumsuckers, and get drunk, and pee out the window! Then seduce women! Lots of women! Arrgh!
Jason: What window?
TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: What the hell is wrong with you people. Are you on drugs?
Brendon: No.
Melissa: No.
McGuirk: With all the nicknames. What are those, drug nicknames?
Melissa: They're band nicknames.
Brendon: No.
Melissa: No.
McGuirk: With all the nicknames. What are those, drug nicknames?
Melissa: They're band nicknames.
TV Show: Home Movies
Perry: Sounds trite.
Walter: Yeah, it sounds like it's been done before.
Paula: No, I don't think so...
Walter: Lame!
Perry: Double Lame-o!
Walter: Yeah!
Perry: Double Lame-O Donkey D*ck!
Walter: Sucking on the Witch's T*t!
(Walter and Perry embrace and fall down, laughing)
Walter: Yeah, it sounds like it's been done before.
Paula: No, I don't think so...
Walter: Lame!
Perry: Double Lame-o!
Walter: Yeah!
Perry: Double Lame-O Donkey D*ck!
Walter: Sucking on the Witch's T*t!
(Walter and Perry embrace and fall down, laughing)
TV Show: Home Movies
Jason: What's detention?
Brendon: It when they make you sit in a room and...that's about it.
Jason: So it's like therapy.
Brendon: Kind of.
Brendon: It when they make you sit in a room and...that's about it.
Jason: So it's like therapy.
Brendon: Kind of.
TV Show: Home Movies
Paula: Hey, you mind setting the table? Dinner's going to be ready soon.
Brendon: Can I do it after dinner?
Paula: Sure.
Brendon: Can I do it after dinner?
Paula: Sure.
TV Show: Home Movies
Melissa: So, what do we do about the movie? We can't use the location because it's trespassing, and we can't film during the day because we can't close off the set.
Jason: Well, we could rebuild the set in the basement.
Melissa: I don't know. I don't think it's in the budget.
Jason: What's the budget?
Melissa: Well, we had a dollar, but then we bought the binder.
Jason: Well, why did we buy the binder?
Melissa: To keep the budget inside.
Jason: That's idiotic. You just spend all the money for the movie on the binder for the budget of the movie.
Melissa: Yeah, don't tell Brendon.
Jason: Well, we could rebuild the set in the basement.
Melissa: I don't know. I don't think it's in the budget.
Jason: What's the budget?
Melissa: Well, we had a dollar, but then we bought the binder.
Jason: Well, why did we buy the binder?
Melissa: To keep the budget inside.
Jason: That's idiotic. You just spend all the money for the movie on the binder for the budget of the movie.
Melissa: Yeah, don't tell Brendon.
TV Show: Home Movies
Jason: Um, wait, so these are videotapes of the movies we made?
Brendon: Yeah. They're the videos of them. They're the movies, Jason.
Jason: We were taping those movies?
Brendon: Yeah.
Jason: Well...let's burn them.
Brendon: Yeah. They're the videos of them. They're the movies, Jason.
Jason: We were taping those movies?
Brendon: Yeah.
Jason: Well...let's burn them.
TV Show: Home Movies
[The Box-Bots]
Jason: Tell my girlfriend that I will miss her.
Brendon: I can't. We're all being caught.
Jason: Well, tell me that you'll miss me, then.
Brendon: I going to miss you.
Melissa: Here they come.
Brendon, Jason, & Melissa: It's time to pay the price.
Jason: Tell my girlfriend that I will miss her.
Brendon: I can't. We're all being caught.
Jason: Well, tell me that you'll miss me, then.
Brendon: I going to miss you.
Melissa: Here they come.
Brendon, Jason, & Melissa: It's time to pay the price.
TV Show: Home Movies
[environmental film]
Melissa: [as a lumberjack] I'm going to chop you down, tree.
Brendon: [as a tree] Well, okay, but, um, don't, um, because what about the environment?
Jason: [as a skunk, moves from behind Brendon] Hello, I'm a skunk.
Brendon: Hello.
Melissa: Hello.
Jason: Hey, um, I mean, don't chop down the forest.
Melissa: Okay, I won't chop down the forest, just this tree.
Brendon: But I'm a tree, and I'm a house for birds and chipmunks and cats and dogs. And I can be useful for people, too. I can be made into wood...
Jason: Oh, man. Chop it down.
Melissa: I'm with you skunk.
Brendon: Hey, you guys suck.
Jason: Lumberjack.
Melissa: Yep?
Jason: Pass me that ax.
[chops Brendon down with the ax and falls down]
Brendon: [bleeding maple syrup] Aaaah! It hurts!
Melissa: You can't shut this one up.
Jason: Hope you learned your lesson, tree.
Jason & Melissa: It's time to pay the price.
Melissa: [as a lumberjack] I'm going to chop you down, tree.
Brendon: [as a tree] Well, okay, but, um, don't, um, because what about the environment?
Jason: [as a skunk, moves from behind Brendon] Hello, I'm a skunk.
Brendon: Hello.
Melissa: Hello.
Jason: Hey, um, I mean, don't chop down the forest.
Melissa: Okay, I won't chop down the forest, just this tree.
Brendon: But I'm a tree, and I'm a house for birds and chipmunks and cats and dogs. And I can be useful for people, too. I can be made into wood...
Jason: Oh, man. Chop it down.
Melissa: I'm with you skunk.
Brendon: Hey, you guys suck.
Jason: Lumberjack.
Melissa: Yep?
Jason: Pass me that ax.
[chops Brendon down with the ax and falls down]
Brendon: [bleeding maple syrup] Aaaah! It hurts!
Melissa: You can't shut this one up.
Jason: Hope you learned your lesson, tree.
Jason & Melissa: It's time to pay the price.
TV Show: Home Movies
Jason: [talking about the movie they made] Brendon, this is the one that you ripped off "The Verdict".
Brendon: I didn't rip off "The Verdict". We ripped off "The Verdict".
Brendon: I didn't rip off "The Verdict". We ripped off "The Verdict".
TV Show: Home Movies
[The Verdict rip-off]
Brendon: [as a lawyer] Isn't it true that you are lying?!
Melissa: [as a nurse] No!
Brendon: Isn't it true that you are lying?!
Melissa: No! I'm telling the truth! I do work at that hospital, and those are my initials, but the time was altered.
Brendon: How on Earth do you explain that the time was altered?!
Melissa: I can't! I can't explain!
Brendon: Then who on Earth altered the time?!
Melissa: [pointing to the defendant's lawyer] That man!
Jason: [as the defendant's lawyer] Oh.
Brendon: Are you sure it's that man?
Melissa: I'm almost positive.
Brendon: Are you sure it wasn't that man over there...the defendant's client?
Melissa: Uh, yes. I meant to point more to the right. [points to the bailiff who is also Jason] That man!
Brendon: The bailiff?
Melissa: No. To the left.
Jason: [as the judge] Order in the court. Order in the court. You, it's time to pay the price.
Brendon: [as a lawyer] Isn't it true that you are lying?!
Melissa: [as a nurse] No!
Brendon: Isn't it true that you are lying?!
Melissa: No! I'm telling the truth! I do work at that hospital, and those are my initials, but the time was altered.
Brendon: How on Earth do you explain that the time was altered?!
Melissa: I can't! I can't explain!
Brendon: Then who on Earth altered the time?!
Melissa: [pointing to the defendant's lawyer] That man!
Jason: [as the defendant's lawyer] Oh.
Brendon: Are you sure it's that man?
Melissa: I'm almost positive.
Brendon: Are you sure it wasn't that man over there...the defendant's client?
Melissa: Uh, yes. I meant to point more to the right. [points to the bailiff who is also Jason] That man!
Brendon: The bailiff?
Melissa: No. To the left.
Jason: [as the judge] Order in the court. Order in the court. You, it's time to pay the price.
TV Show: Home Movies
Brendon: [talking about his finger] That isn't loaded, it is?
Pendlehurst: What did you say?
Brendon: Ahem. Your finger...it's really, really close to my face. I'm having intimacy issues with it.
Pendlehurst: Stand up...right...now.
Pendlehurst: What did you say?
Brendon: Ahem. Your finger...it's really, really close to my face. I'm having intimacy issues with it.
Pendlehurst: Stand up...right...now.
TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: You poured sugar in Pendlehurst's gas tank?
Brendon: No. Some other kids did, but we ended up getting caught.
McGuirk: So what's the punishment?
Brendon: He's making us do this Scared Straight thing at the prison he used to work at.
McGuirk: Scared Straight? You're already straight.
Brendon: I'm already scared.
Brendon: No. Some other kids did, but we ended up getting caught.
McGuirk: So what's the punishment?
Brendon: He's making us do this Scared Straight thing at the prison he used to work at.
McGuirk: Scared Straight? You're already straight.
Brendon: I'm already scared.
TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: I've been to the can a few times, Brendon. That's what we call it, the can. So when you're there, you call it the can, all right?
Brendon: What do you call cans in prison?
McGuirk: You mean, actual cans
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: Like food? Cans of food?
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: Those are still cans.
Brendon: What do you call cans in prison?
McGuirk: You mean, actual cans
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: Like food? Cans of food?
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: Those are still cans.
TV Show: Home Movies
Brendon: All right. How do you do?
McGuirk: [crazy] No! No, man! No, Man! No! I don't think so! I don't think so! All Right?!
Brendon: All right.
McGuirk: [crazy] Is it?
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: [crazy] Is it? [normal] See what I mean?
Brendon: That was good.
McGuirk: Freaks you out.
Brendon: Feel my heart. It's pounding.
McGuirk: [crazy] No! No, man! No, Man! No! I don't think so! I don't think so! All Right?!
Brendon: All right.
McGuirk: [crazy] Is it?
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: [crazy] Is it? [normal] See what I mean?
Brendon: That was good.
McGuirk: Freaks you out.
Brendon: Feel my heart. It's pounding.
TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: And here's another thing: make a shiv.
Brendon: Yeah? How do you do that.
McGuirk: I don't know. You find stuff, you make it. You can stab someone with anything.
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: You wear glasses?
Brendon: No.
McGuirk: You wear contacts?
Brendon: No.
McGuirk: You can make a knife out of contacts.
Brendon: Really?
McGuirk: That's where I learned.
Brendon: Wow.
McGuirk: I killed a man with contacts.
Brendon: In the can?
McGuirk: Yeah.
Brendon: Wow.
Brendon: Yeah? How do you do that.
McGuirk: I don't know. You find stuff, you make it. You can stab someone with anything.
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: You wear glasses?
Brendon: No.
McGuirk: You wear contacts?
Brendon: No.
McGuirk: You can make a knife out of contacts.
Brendon: Really?
McGuirk: That's where I learned.
Brendon: Wow.
McGuirk: I killed a man with contacts.
Brendon: In the can?
McGuirk: Yeah.
Brendon: Wow.
TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: And the other thing is that you can make a knife out of tags from T-shirts.
Brendon: Like, the clothes tags?
McGuirk: Yeah. Because they're a little harder than the material.
Brendon: And that's enough to...
McGuirk: To penetrate skin.
Brendon: Wow.
McGuirk: You just got to find the right spot.
Brendon: Like, the clothes tags?
McGuirk: Yeah. Because they're a little harder than the material.
Brendon: And that's enough to...
McGuirk: To penetrate skin.
Brendon: Wow.
McGuirk: You just got to find the right spot.
TV Show: Home Movies
Prison Guard #1: Pendlehurst? Is that you?
[Prison Guard #1 & #2 laughing]
Prison Guard #1: Oh, my gosh, it is. Look. Pendlehurst is back.
Prison Guard #2: [to Pendlehurst] I thought you weren't coming back.
(Prison Guard #1 & #2 laughing)
Prisoner Guard #2: Hey, Pendlehurst is back.
[Prison Guard #1 & #2 laughing]
Prisoner Guard #1: Hey, Pendlehurst!
Prisoner Guard #2: Hey, hey, who am I? Pendlehurst.
Prisoner Guard #1: Hey, Pendlehurst!
[Prison Guard #1 & #2 laughing]
Prison Guard #1: Oh, my gosh, it is. Look. Pendlehurst is back.
Prison Guard #2: [to Pendlehurst] I thought you weren't coming back.
(Prison Guard #1 & #2 laughing)
Prisoner Guard #2: Hey, Pendlehurst is back.
[Prison Guard #1 & #2 laughing]
Prisoner Guard #1: Hey, Pendlehurst!
Prisoner Guard #2: Hey, hey, who am I? Pendlehurst.
Prisoner Guard #1: Hey, Pendlehurst!
TV Show: Home Movies
[Starboy: The Phantom Girlfriend Menace]
Brendon: [as Starboy] You're not my friend.
Jason: (as Captain of Outer Space) Listen to me, Starboy. I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't care about you.
Brendon: Oh, you're stupid, Captain of Outer Space.
Jason: But what I say is true, Starboy. The woman you love is a ghost who's trying to kill you.
Brendon: You lie! You jealous liar!
Melissa: [as Ghost Lady] Whoo-ooh! Whoo-ooh!
Jason: What's that noise?
Melissa: You blew my cover, Captain of Outer Space.
Jason: I told you, Starboy.
Brendon: I'm sorry Captain of Outer Space. From now on, I'll believe you.
Jason: Little late for that.
Brendon: Hey, Ghost Lady, I breaking it off with you. I didn't realize at first that you were a ghost who was trying to kill me. Had I know that up front, I probably wouldn't have dated you. Or maybe I would have. I don't know. But that's definitely something you should have told me up front.
Melissa: Nobody breaks up with Ghost Lady. It's time to pay the price. Whoo-ooh!
Brendon: [as Starboy] You're not my friend.
Jason: (as Captain of Outer Space) Listen to me, Starboy. I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't care about you.
Brendon: Oh, you're stupid, Captain of Outer Space.
Jason: But what I say is true, Starboy. The woman you love is a ghost who's trying to kill you.
Brendon: You lie! You jealous liar!
Melissa: [as Ghost Lady] Whoo-ooh! Whoo-ooh!
Jason: What's that noise?
Melissa: You blew my cover, Captain of Outer Space.
Jason: I told you, Starboy.
Brendon: I'm sorry Captain of Outer Space. From now on, I'll believe you.
Jason: Little late for that.
Brendon: Hey, Ghost Lady, I breaking it off with you. I didn't realize at first that you were a ghost who was trying to kill me. Had I know that up front, I probably wouldn't have dated you. Or maybe I would have. I don't know. But that's definitely something you should have told me up front.
Melissa: Nobody breaks up with Ghost Lady. It's time to pay the price. Whoo-ooh!
TV Show: Home Movies
Prisoner: Boo! Booooo!
Jason: Uh, I think this guy is actually trying to scare us straight.
Jason: Uh, I think this guy is actually trying to scare us straight.
TV Show: Home Movies
Prisoner: I came from a broken home!
Jason: Here we go.
Prisoner: Then I got put in jail for robbing a bank! But before that...Ok. Wait. Oh, no. I was in a bank. Ok. Let me start over. I was in a gang, and then I got put in prison, and then I robbed a bank! No. Wait a second. I robbed the bank first. Ok. Bear with me, people. I'm going to look at some notes. [looks at his notes] Ok. I got it. I worked at a bank, then I robbed it, then I came to prison.
Brendon: Gong.
Jason: Here we go.
Prisoner: Then I got put in jail for robbing a bank! But before that...Ok. Wait. Oh, no. I was in a bank. Ok. Let me start over. I was in a gang, and then I got put in prison, and then I robbed a bank! No. Wait a second. I robbed the bank first. Ok. Bear with me, people. I'm going to look at some notes. [looks at his notes] Ok. I got it. I worked at a bank, then I robbed it, then I came to prison.
Brendon: Gong.
TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: We all live in our own prisons, Brendon.
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: I mean, we're all trapped in these bodies.
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: You have to go to school. That's a prison.
Brendon: That is a prison.
McGuirk: I have to be a soccer coach.
Brendon: That's a prison.
Brendon: This conversation...
McGuirk: It's a prison.
Brendon: It's a prison. Can't get out of it.
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: I mean, we're all trapped in these bodies.
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: You have to go to school. That's a prison.
Brendon: That is a prison.
McGuirk: I have to be a soccer coach.
Brendon: That's a prison.
Brendon: This conversation...
McGuirk: It's a prison.
Brendon: It's a prison. Can't get out of it.
TV Show: Home Movies
[music video]
Jason: The T to the P to the P
[Brendon joins in beat boxing]
Jason & Melissa: P to the A to the Y
Jason: It's time to pay the price today.
Jason: The T to the P to the P
[Brendon joins in beat boxing]
Jason & Melissa: P to the A to the Y
Jason: It's time to pay the price today.
TV Show: Home Movies