Home Movies Quotes
Linda: [in her underwear] Why didn't you wake me?
Andrew: Uh, Linda, could you get a robe on or something?
Brendon: Good morning to me!
Linda: You were supposed to wake me at 7: 45.
Andrew: I did.
Linda: Yeah, well, you didn't do a very good job of it. It's 8: 30!
Andrew: I know, but--
Linda: I've got to be at the cancer institute at 9: 00!
Andrew: I'm sorry, I guess you fell back to sleep.
Linda: Oh, so you're only going to wake me once, is that it? I get one shot and that's it. Thanks a lot. Now I gotta rush. Great. I'm going to have a fun day at the cancer institute.
Andrew: Uh, Linda, could you get a robe on or something?
Brendon: Good morning to me!
Linda: You were supposed to wake me at 7: 45.
Andrew: I did.
Linda: Yeah, well, you didn't do a very good job of it. It's 8: 30!
Andrew: I know, but--
Linda: I've got to be at the cancer institute at 9: 00!
Andrew: I'm sorry, I guess you fell back to sleep.
Linda: Oh, so you're only going to wake me once, is that it? I get one shot and that's it. Thanks a lot. Now I gotta rush. Great. I'm going to have a fun day at the cancer institute.
TV Show: Home Movies
Andrew: Things are going to be different, Brendon. Now that I'm living closer, we're going to spend a lot more time together.
Brendon: Will I see you next weekend?
Andrew: No, next weekend I'm in Dallas.
Brendon: Oh.
Brendon: Will I see you next weekend?
Andrew: No, next weekend I'm in Dallas.
Brendon: Oh.
TV Show: Home Movies
Jason: Brendon, maybe this will help. One night I walked into my parents' bedroom, and my parents saw me naked.
Brendon: You were naked?
Jason: Yeah.
Melissa: Why were you naked?
Jason: I love it.
Brendon: You were naked?
Jason: Yeah.
Melissa: Why were you naked?
Jason: I love it.
TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: All right, everybody, quiet down. Who was talking? Melissa?
Melissa: Sorry.
McGuirk: This new kid here is Eddie.
Everybody: Hi, Eddie.
McGuirk: All right, Eddie, take a hike while I explain to everybody what's wrong with you.
Melissa: Coach, is Eddie sick?
McGuirk: Who told you?
Melissa: Nobody, I was-
McGuirk: Don't do my job for me, Melissa, okay?
Melissa: Okay.
McGuirk: All right, now, everybody, Eddie's sick. But he's a good kid. He's like the son I never had. Or I don't know about. Anyway, anyone messing with Eddie messes with me, you got that, Melissa?
Melissa: I'm not gonna mess with Eddie.
McGuirk: Good. Now this is complicated, so just bear with me. Eddie was born with some kind of problem, and he takes medication for it. Any questions?
[a few kids rise their hand]
McGuirk: Good. Look at him out there, so small, so defenseless. He's like a chipmunk, with a disease. Who didn't love that analogy? All right, everybody, here are some of the warning signs that tell you something's wrong with Eddie. What I like to call this part of the speech is, "You know Eddie's sick if, dot dot dot". If he stops breathing, if he vomits blood, and if he ever says, "help". Or if it looks like he's saying "help" but he can't say "help". He's like, mouthing it.
Brendon: Hey, Coach McGuirk, Eddie just fell.
McGuirk: Oh, god. Is he up yet?
Brendon: No.
McGuirk: How about now?
Brendon: I...nope.
McGuirk: Give him a few minutes, Brendon!
Brendon: Hey, don't yell at me, he fell.
McGuirk: This can't happen the first day, Brendon. What's he doing?
Brendon: He's moving.
McGuirk: Is he? All right. Melissa.
Melissa: Sorry.
McGuirk: This new kid here is Eddie.
Everybody: Hi, Eddie.
McGuirk: All right, Eddie, take a hike while I explain to everybody what's wrong with you.
Melissa: Coach, is Eddie sick?
McGuirk: Who told you?
Melissa: Nobody, I was-
McGuirk: Don't do my job for me, Melissa, okay?
Melissa: Okay.
McGuirk: All right, now, everybody, Eddie's sick. But he's a good kid. He's like the son I never had. Or I don't know about. Anyway, anyone messing with Eddie messes with me, you got that, Melissa?
Melissa: I'm not gonna mess with Eddie.
McGuirk: Good. Now this is complicated, so just bear with me. Eddie was born with some kind of problem, and he takes medication for it. Any questions?
[a few kids rise their hand]
McGuirk: Good. Look at him out there, so small, so defenseless. He's like a chipmunk, with a disease. Who didn't love that analogy? All right, everybody, here are some of the warning signs that tell you something's wrong with Eddie. What I like to call this part of the speech is, "You know Eddie's sick if, dot dot dot". If he stops breathing, if he vomits blood, and if he ever says, "help". Or if it looks like he's saying "help" but he can't say "help". He's like, mouthing it.
Brendon: Hey, Coach McGuirk, Eddie just fell.
McGuirk: Oh, god. Is he up yet?
Brendon: No.
McGuirk: How about now?
Brendon: I...nope.
McGuirk: Give him a few minutes, Brendon!
Brendon: Hey, don't yell at me, he fell.
McGuirk: This can't happen the first day, Brendon. What's he doing?
Brendon: He's moving.
McGuirk: Is he? All right. Melissa.
TV Show: Home Movies
Paula: No, really, I didn't mean to laugh. It's just, I mean, 11 years younger than you, my god. Hey, why don't I have the both of you over for dinner?
Andrew: What?
Paula: You and Lydia, an engagement dinner. Can she stay out late?
Andrew: It's Linda and you know it.
Paula: It'll be fun, I'll make you a...I don't know, I'll make you a something.
Andrew: I don't want you to go through any trouble.
Paula: How's Thursday night?
Andrew: I don't know, I gotta check with Linda.
Paula: So it's settled. We'll see you and the little misses on Thursday night.
Andrew: Okay, okay. Shall we bring anything?
Paula: Just yourselves. And maybe a note from her parents if she's going to be out late.
Andrew: What?
Paula: You and Lydia, an engagement dinner. Can she stay out late?
Andrew: It's Linda and you know it.
Paula: It'll be fun, I'll make you a...I don't know, I'll make you a something.
Andrew: I don't want you to go through any trouble.
Paula: How's Thursday night?
Andrew: I don't know, I gotta check with Linda.
Paula: So it's settled. We'll see you and the little misses on Thursday night.
Andrew: Okay, okay. Shall we bring anything?
Paula: Just yourselves. And maybe a note from her parents if she's going to be out late.
TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: Good, Eddie, good, that was a nice kick. Now get ready because I'm going to kick this one a little harder. This one's coming like a rocket. Get ready for it. Here we go.
[kicks the ball hard to Eddie's face, knocking him down and his teeth out]
McGuirk: Oh. Eddie. I'm sorry, that was a good stop, though, you really used your mouth. [looking at his knocked out teeth on the ground] Wow. That must have been loose anyway, right?
Melissa: Coach-
McGuirk: Melissa, not now. What?
Melissa: We're getting killed out there. We need your help.
McGuirk: [gives Melissa his whistle] You coach, Melissa, I'm elsewhere, all right? I'm helping Eddie.
Melissa: Okay.
McGuirk: What, you got false teeth in there, Eddie?
Melissa: Hey, other team! We quit!
McGuirk: Hey, Melissa, what did I teach you about team spirit?
Melissa: Oh, sorry. [shakes her butt at the other team] So long, suckers! [spanks her butt and waves at them]
McGuirk: That's better. Hey, Melissa, watch where you're stepping, because there's teeth on the ground here.
Melissa: Ew.
McGuirk: Eddie. Eddie? Eddie.
[kicks the ball hard to Eddie's face, knocking him down and his teeth out]
McGuirk: Oh. Eddie. I'm sorry, that was a good stop, though, you really used your mouth. [looking at his knocked out teeth on the ground] Wow. That must have been loose anyway, right?
Melissa: Coach-
McGuirk: Melissa, not now. What?
Melissa: We're getting killed out there. We need your help.
McGuirk: [gives Melissa his whistle] You coach, Melissa, I'm elsewhere, all right? I'm helping Eddie.
Melissa: Okay.
McGuirk: What, you got false teeth in there, Eddie?
Melissa: Hey, other team! We quit!
McGuirk: Hey, Melissa, what did I teach you about team spirit?
Melissa: Oh, sorry. [shakes her butt at the other team] So long, suckers! [spanks her butt and waves at them]
McGuirk: That's better. Hey, Melissa, watch where you're stepping, because there's teeth on the ground here.
Melissa: Ew.
McGuirk: Eddie. Eddie? Eddie.
TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: All right, everybody, gather around. I got some bad news, so listen up. This is part of the job I love. Eddie is no longer with us.
Melissa: What?
McGuirk: Now, wait a minute, here. Let me explain something, all right? Eddie moved to Arizona, which is a state. Apparently it's healthier there. You know, it's better for Eddie to live like a lizard, in the desert, crawling around, eating bugs.
Melissa: What?
McGuirk: Now, wait a minute, here. Let me explain something, all right? Eddie moved to Arizona, which is a state. Apparently it's healthier there. You know, it's better for Eddie to live like a lizard, in the desert, crawling around, eating bugs.
TV Show: Home Movies
Brendon: Hey, Coach, do you miss Eddie?
McGuirk: Don't be ridiculous, Brendon. Eddie was sick.
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: You don't miss sick people. But it was kind of fun having Eddie around, you know? He sort of reminded me of me when I was his age.
Brendon: Oh, really?
McGuirk: Hell, no, but he did remind me of me about two years ago.
Brendon: Wow.
McGuirk: But being with him made me think I'd like to spend some time working with kids, you know?
Brendon: But you do spend time working with kids, Coach McGuirk. You're a soccer coach.
McGuirk: Shut up, Brendon.
Brendon: Okay.
McGuirk: I'm talking about quality time, you know? Like one-on-one, you know?
Brendon: Sure.
McGuirk: I'm thinking about becoming a big brother.
Brendon: Well, you are big.
McGuirk: Get out on that field and show me what you can do, Brendon.
Brendon: Nah.
McGuirk: Don't be ridiculous, Brendon. Eddie was sick.
Brendon: Yeah.
McGuirk: You don't miss sick people. But it was kind of fun having Eddie around, you know? He sort of reminded me of me when I was his age.
Brendon: Oh, really?
McGuirk: Hell, no, but he did remind me of me about two years ago.
Brendon: Wow.
McGuirk: But being with him made me think I'd like to spend some time working with kids, you know?
Brendon: But you do spend time working with kids, Coach McGuirk. You're a soccer coach.
McGuirk: Shut up, Brendon.
Brendon: Okay.
McGuirk: I'm talking about quality time, you know? Like one-on-one, you know?
Brendon: Sure.
McGuirk: I'm thinking about becoming a big brother.
Brendon: Well, you are big.
McGuirk: Get out on that field and show me what you can do, Brendon.
Brendon: Nah.
TV Show: Home Movies
Paula: More wine, anyone?
Andrew: No, thank you.
Linda: No.
Brendon: Uh, yes!
Paula: Me, too!
Andrew: No, thank you.
Linda: No.
Brendon: Uh, yes!
Paula: Me, too!
TV Show: Home Movies
Paula: So, you two lovebirds set a date yet or what?
Linda: Probably in three months.
Paula: Three months? Why wait?
Linda: Tell me, Paula, are you seeing anyone? I mean, is three months enough time for you to get a date?
Andrew: Pass the peas, please, somebody.
Brendon: We're not having peas.
Andrew: Well, something taste like peas, just pass something!
Paula: As a matter of fact, I am seeing someone.
Andrew: You're seeing someone? You didn't tell me you were seeing someone.
Paula: Oh, sure, he's a cute little fellow by the name of Mr. Television. Ever heard of him?
Brendon: Milton Berle?
Paula: Brendon.
Brendon: Mom, he's so old.
Andrew: Paula, don't--
Paula: You're marrying a 20-something-year-old girl who looks like she stepped out of a fashion magazine, and you're telling me, "don't"?
Linda: Probably in three months.
Paula: Three months? Why wait?
Linda: Tell me, Paula, are you seeing anyone? I mean, is three months enough time for you to get a date?
Andrew: Pass the peas, please, somebody.
Brendon: We're not having peas.
Andrew: Well, something taste like peas, just pass something!
Paula: As a matter of fact, I am seeing someone.
Andrew: You're seeing someone? You didn't tell me you were seeing someone.
Paula: Oh, sure, he's a cute little fellow by the name of Mr. Television. Ever heard of him?
Brendon: Milton Berle?
Paula: Brendon.
Brendon: Mom, he's so old.
Andrew: Paula, don't--
Paula: You're marrying a 20-something-year-old girl who looks like she stepped out of a fashion magazine, and you're telling me, "don't"?
TV Show: Home Movies
Paula: Do you know how long it's been since I've been intimate with a man? Huh?
Andrew: Can we discuss this later?
Paula: Guess!
Andrew: Can I guess it later?
Paula: Guess it now!
Andrew: Well-
Paula: Over two years!
Andrew: Seriously?
Paula: Why did I just tell you that?
Andrew: Can we discuss this later?
Paula: Guess!
Andrew: Can I guess it later?
Paula: Guess it now!
Andrew: Well-
Paula: Over two years!
Andrew: Seriously?
Paula: Why did I just tell you that?
TV Show: Home Movies
Brendon: Do you love my father?
Linda: What kind of question is that?
Brendon: Just the kind of question that ends with a question mark.
Linda: Yeah, of course.
Brendon: Did you ever see him naked?
Linda: That's it. Andrew!
Linda: What kind of question is that?
Brendon: Just the kind of question that ends with a question mark.
Linda: Yeah, of course.
Brendon: Did you ever see him naked?
Linda: That's it. Andrew!
TV Show: Home Movies
Fenton: I gotta pee.
Paula: Wait. Did Brendon get off bus already?
Fenton: I can't wait! It's a bodily function. Bodily functions don't wait!
Paula: Okay, go inside but come right back.
Paula: Wait. Did Brendon get off bus already?
Fenton: I can't wait! It's a bodily function. Bodily functions don't wait!
Paula: Okay, go inside but come right back.
TV Show: Home Movies
[At the zoo in front of the Sumatran tiger exhibit]
McGuirk's Little Brother: So you going to get me some smokes or what?
McGuirk: You know, you shouldn't smoke, all right? Plus I already gave you a pack.
McGuirk's Little Brother: Oh, dude, come on! Give me some...
McGuirk: And don't call me "dude", all right? I'm older than you.
McGuirk's Little Brother: Whatever. I'm out of here, this is lame. You're lame.
McGuirk: Hey, good. You know what? Go! See if I care.
McGuirk's Little Brother: [leaving] Adios.
McGuirk: I'm going to the agency tomorrow anyway and getting a better little brother. Better than you! You suck as a little brother!
[the Sumatran tiger comes out of the cave]
McGuirk: Wow. Nice tiger.
McGuirk's Little Brother: So you going to get me some smokes or what?
McGuirk: You know, you shouldn't smoke, all right? Plus I already gave you a pack.
McGuirk's Little Brother: Oh, dude, come on! Give me some...
McGuirk: And don't call me "dude", all right? I'm older than you.
McGuirk's Little Brother: Whatever. I'm out of here, this is lame. You're lame.
McGuirk: Hey, good. You know what? Go! See if I care.
McGuirk's Little Brother: [leaving] Adios.
McGuirk: I'm going to the agency tomorrow anyway and getting a better little brother. Better than you! You suck as a little brother!
[the Sumatran tiger comes out of the cave]
McGuirk: Wow. Nice tiger.
TV Show: Home Movies
[About the movie they made]
Jason: It feels soft
Melissa: I think it feels flat.
Brendon: Yes, soft and flat like a bathroom rug. It also feels forced. Like somebody forced a bathroom rug into something. Like a hamper.
Jason: It feels soft
Melissa: I think it feels flat.
Brendon: Yes, soft and flat like a bathroom rug. It also feels forced. Like somebody forced a bathroom rug into something. Like a hamper.
TV Show: Home Movies
Jason: I hate my acting. It's horrible.
Melissa: You think you're bad. What about me? I couldn't act my way into a paper bag. Into.
Brendon: Are you guys serious? My acting sucks on ice. What was I doing up there? That was not acting, that's for sure.
Jason: Brendon, why don't you put some extra bait on that hook.
Melissa: Yeah, and don't forget your tackle box for your compliment fishing trip.
Brendon: I thought we were all fishing for compliments. That's what we were--oh, forget it.
Melissa: You think you're bad. What about me? I couldn't act my way into a paper bag. Into.
Brendon: Are you guys serious? My acting sucks on ice. What was I doing up there? That was not acting, that's for sure.
Jason: Brendon, why don't you put some extra bait on that hook.
Melissa: Yeah, and don't forget your tackle box for your compliment fishing trip.
Brendon: I thought we were all fishing for compliments. That's what we were--oh, forget it.
TV Show: Home Movies
Melissa: Guys, should we maybe rehearse this more when we shoot it?
Jason: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no.
Brendon: Yeah, nobody's acting is that bad.
Jason: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no.
Brendon: Yeah, nobody's acting is that bad.
TV Show: Home Movies
Linda: You're acting like a child.
Andrew: What does that mean?
Brendon: Wait, me or him?
Linda: Both of you.
Brendon: Well, I am a child, so, thank you.
Andrew: What does that mean?
Brendon: Wait, me or him?
Linda: Both of you.
Brendon: Well, I am a child, so, thank you.
TV Show: Home Movies
Brendon: Hey, I've got an idea. Let's reschedule the race, and we'll just let Linda win.
Andrew: Brendon, do not patronize Linda.
Brendon: I thought I was patronizing you.
Andrew: Brendon, do not patronize Linda.
Brendon: I thought I was patronizing you.
TV Show: Home Movies
Andrew: I can't believe we're arguing about shoes.
Linda: No, don't do that. It's more than that.
Brendon: Maybe we should argue about something else!
Linda: No, don't do that. It's more than that.
Brendon: Maybe we should argue about something else!
TV Show: Home Movies
Linda: No, it's serious. If you can't interpret what's really going on, then how is this whole thing going to work? It's stupid.
Andrew: Well, maybe it is stupid.
Brendon: Then it is unanimous. Something's stupid!
Andrew: Brendon!
Brendon: Hey, I'm sorry, but I am the winner of the race and-
Linda: Oh, can we stop talking about the stupid race?
Andrew: Well, maybe it is stupid.
Brendon: Then it is unanimous. Something's stupid!
Andrew: Brendon!
Brendon: Hey, I'm sorry, but I am the winner of the race and-
Linda: Oh, can we stop talking about the stupid race?
TV Show: Home Movies
[after watching a video of them in therapy]
Linda: I'm so embarrassed.
Therapist: Well, that's why I tape the first session. So that we can see how embarrassing we are.
Brendon: Man, my acting is horrible. I'm really in a slump.
Andrew: Does this cost more? The taping?
Therapist: A little.
Linda: I'm so embarrassed.
Therapist: Well, that's why I tape the first session. So that we can see how embarrassing we are.
Brendon: Man, my acting is horrible. I'm really in a slump.
Andrew: Does this cost more? The taping?
Therapist: A little.
TV Show: Home Movies
Andrew: Listen, doctor, I'd like to apologize for everybody's bickering.
Brendon: And I'd like to accept our apology.
Brendon: And I'd like to accept our apology.
TV Show: Home Movies
Brendon: [to the therapist] Uh, yeah, that's very interesting. I like what you said about the things, and--I'm sorry, I wasn't listening at all.
TV Show: Home Movies
Brendon: Mom, I don't like going to therapy with dad and Linda.
Paula: It's only for a trial bases, you know. You could just give it a try.
Brendon: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Paula: Look, you dad thinks it'll help you guys deal with the tension of Linda being in your lap. Wait, that came out wrong.
Paula: It's only for a trial bases, you know. You could just give it a try.
Brendon: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Paula: Look, you dad thinks it'll help you guys deal with the tension of Linda being in your lap. Wait, that came out wrong.
TV Show: Home Movies
Paula: But are you learning anything? I mean, psychology can be kind of interesting.
Brendon: Well, I learned that "should" is a word I shouldn't use.
Paula: Why shouldn't you?
Brendon: I don't know. Because it makes the doctor mad. He should lighten up a little.
Paula: Maybe you should lighten up a little.
Brendon: Maybe you should go to therapy with Linda.
Paula: Maybe she should lighten up a little.
Brendon: Maybe everybody should lighten up a little.
Paula: What should we have for dinner?
Brendon: We should have pizza.
Paula: We should have salad, too.
Brendon: You should have salad.
Paula: Maybe Linda should have salad?
Brendon: I feel that it would be in her best interest.
Paula: Should be in her best interest.
Brendon: What do you mean? Whose best interest?
Paula: The salad.
Brendon: The salad is in Linda's best interest?
Paula: No, the pizza's in the salad's best interest...the point is, Brendon, you don't have to go to therapy. But I think a person like you really should.
Brendon: Well, I learned that "should" is a word I shouldn't use.
Paula: Why shouldn't you?
Brendon: I don't know. Because it makes the doctor mad. He should lighten up a little.
Paula: Maybe you should lighten up a little.
Brendon: Maybe you should go to therapy with Linda.
Paula: Maybe she should lighten up a little.
Brendon: Maybe everybody should lighten up a little.
Paula: What should we have for dinner?
Brendon: We should have pizza.
Paula: We should have salad, too.
Brendon: You should have salad.
Paula: Maybe Linda should have salad?
Brendon: I feel that it would be in her best interest.
Paula: Should be in her best interest.
Brendon: What do you mean? Whose best interest?
Paula: The salad.
Brendon: The salad is in Linda's best interest?
Paula: No, the pizza's in the salad's best interest...the point is, Brendon, you don't have to go to therapy. But I think a person like you really should.
TV Show: Home Movies
Andrew: How was school, Brendon?
Brendon: [reading the food menu] Blah.
Andrew: Well, great. And how was your day, Linda?
Linda: [reading the food menu] Um...
Andrew: Fantastic.
Brendon: [reading the food menu] Blah.
Andrew: Well, great. And how was your day, Linda?
Linda: [reading the food menu] Um...
Andrew: Fantastic.
TV Show: Home Movies
McGuirk: Here's a piece of advice, Brendon. There is no such thing as psychology. It's all just made up crap. They're all con-men, all of them, even the women. Just remember that when they tell you how screwed up you are.
Brendon: Okay.
McGuirk: And, um, let me tell you something else. Astronomy...is b/s too. All that star crap is ridiculous.
Brendon: But there are stars.
McGuirk: Whatever, Brendon.
Brendon: Okay.
McGuirk: And, um, let me tell you something else. Astronomy...is b/s too. All that star crap is ridiculous.
Brendon: But there are stars.
McGuirk: Whatever, Brendon.
TV Show: Home Movies
Brendon: Did you ever go to a therapist?
McGuirk: Well, ya, sometimes you gotta do certain things to reenter society.
McGuirk: Well, ya, sometimes you gotta do certain things to reenter society.
TV Show: Home Movies
[Shooting a movie]
Jason: [as dad, talking from upstairs] Amelia? What are you doing in the den, dear?
Melissa: [as Amelia] Nothing, dad. I'll be done in a minute. I'm just cooking.
Jason: In the den?
Melissa: I mean reading.
Jason: In the den?
Melissa: I like to read and think in here.
Jason: In the den?
Melissa: Good night, dad. Go to bed.
Jason: [as dad, talking from upstairs] Amelia? What are you doing in the den, dear?
Melissa: [as Amelia] Nothing, dad. I'll be done in a minute. I'm just cooking.
Jason: In the den?
Melissa: I mean reading.
Jason: In the den?
Melissa: I like to read and think in here.
Jason: In the den?
Melissa: Good night, dad. Go to bed.
TV Show: Home Movies