Family Guy Quotes
[watching a baseball game]
Stewie Griffin: Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.
Stewie Griffin: Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.
TV Show: Family Guy
[watching a news report about Peter's old teacher who is getting his students to toss endagered condor eggs off the school roof]
Lois Griffin: Oh my god. He's going to wipe that species off the face of the earth.
Peter Griffin: Nah, the janitor will take care of that.
Lois Griffin: Oh my god. He's going to wipe that species off the face of the earth.
Peter Griffin: Nah, the janitor will take care of that.
TV Show: Family Guy
[watching a porno that was accidentally taped over]
Narrator: The Statue Of Liberty, originally...
Peter Griffin: Oh, NO! My kid must have taped over it for History class!
Glen Quagmire: Oh no. What do we do? What do we do?
Peter Griffin: We'll drink till she's hot.
Glen Quagmire: Hey, that's just crazy enough to work!
Narrator: The Statue Of Liberty, originally...
Peter Griffin: Oh, NO! My kid must have taped over it for History class!
Glen Quagmire: Oh no. What do we do? What do we do?
Peter Griffin: We'll drink till she's hot.
Glen Quagmire: Hey, that's just crazy enough to work!
TV Show: Family Guy
[watching The Brady Bunch]
Dad: Greg, I'm afraid you've earned four hours in the snake pit as punishment. And Jan, for tattling on your brother, you've earned a day in the chamber of fire.
Dad: Greg, I'm afraid you've earned four hours in the snake pit as punishment. And Jan, for tattling on your brother, you've earned a day in the chamber of fire.
TV Show: Family Guy
[watching the sunset]
Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, I love you.
Peter Griffin: [looks at watch] Uhh, about a quarter past five.
Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, I love you.
Peter Griffin: [looks at watch] Uhh, about a quarter past five.
TV Show: Family Guy
[we see a flashback of Stewie with a normal, round head, jumping up and down on the bed]
Stewie: I can jump on the bed all I want. You're not my mother. [Stewie hits his head on the ceiling, squashing it into its more familiar rugby-ball shape]
Brian Griffin: Oh my God, are you all right?
Stewie: Fine. Why do you ask?
Stewie: I can jump on the bed all I want. You're not my mother. [Stewie hits his head on the ceiling, squashing it into its more familiar rugby-ball shape]
Brian Griffin: Oh my God, are you all right?
Stewie: Fine. Why do you ask?
TV Show: Family Guy
[while eating a pancake]
Stewie Griffin: Oh. Mmm, yes. Oh, God, this is better than *sex*.
Stewie Griffin: Oh. Mmm, yes. Oh, God, this is better than *sex*.
TV Show: Family Guy
[while Peter is changing Stewie]
Stewie: No, you idiot. That's not baby powder, that's paprika. Ahhhhhh. Take that.
Stewie: No, you idiot. That's not baby powder, that's paprika. Ahhhhhh. Take that.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lana Lockhart: It's good to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Griffen.
Lois Griffin: Well, we wanted to talk to you about our son. You see, Chris really...
Peter Griffin: Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs. Lockhart, our son... would like... to plough you.
TV Show: Family Guy
Bonnie Swanson: Yeah, I don't want to bring a baby into the world with a man like him running around.
Peter Griffin: Ok, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like six years. Either have the baby or don't. Secondly, Quagmire's a good guy, he...
Bonnie Swanson: [Peter is attacked by the giant chicken and a five-minute fight ensues]
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg: Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again.
Chris: I can't help it, I have these long dancer's legs.
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg: I cant believe my stupid parents are going to spend five stupid days following stupid Kiss on tour. That's painful.
Peter Griffin: Not as painful as a tire iron upside your head.
Meg: What?
Peter Griffin: Nothing.
TV Show: Family Guy
Luke Skywalker: Okay I'll just make a quick incision here and we'll be all done, Mrs. Wilson.
Ben Kenobi: Luke, use the Force.
Luke Skywalker: Really? Because I was just gonna...
Ben Kenobi: Just use the Force.
Luke Skywalker: Okay! [Luke's lightsaber floats above Mrs. Wilson and stabs her right through the eye. She starts screaming]
Luke Skywalker: Are you happy?
Ben Kenobi: I've never been happy.
TV Show: Family Guy
Salesman: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Now, I know you've been here all day, so if you'll just sign this contract without reading it I'll take your blank check, and you won't not be not loving your time-share before you know it.
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: [after eating vegetables] It tastes like a monkey. A monkey that's past its prime!
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: [driving around with Quagmire, sees a woman walking] excuse me you dropped something... my jaw! hehe all right.
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: All right, dad! Fight the machine!
Stewie Griffin: How does he know about the machine?
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin: No, Chris, honey, we're not.
Chris Griffin: Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin: No, Chris.
Chris Griffin: Are we there yet?
Lois Griffin: Yes, Chris, yes, okay? We're there!
Chris Griffin: Liar!
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: Are you and dad going to get a divorce?
Lois Griffin: Oh, honey... maybe.
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: Cheesy Charlie's is great. They have a game where you put in a dollar and you get four quarters. I win every time.
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter Griffin: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: Dad, there's a guy outside who says I can't go to school.
Peter Griffin: Yeah? Him and what army?
Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army.
Peter Griffin: ...that's a good army.
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: Dad, what if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts anymore?
Peter Griffin: I'd say "come again?" Then I'd laugh because I said "come."
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: Go away, you're not welcome here! [pointing at his fat stomach]
Meg Griffin: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight? You're wicked skinny, I'm jealous.
Chris Griffin: Thanks Meg. I'm jealous of your moustache.
Meg Griffin: Mom?
Lois Griffin: Oh, it's fine, Meg. It makes you look dignified.
Meg Griffin: But, Mom!
Lois Griffin: Now I love all of my children equally.
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: God's watching me do number two? Oh man, I'm a sinner, and God's a pervert.
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: Hey dad, look. I put honey on my back, and now the ants are carrying me home. [laughing]
Peter Griffin: Aw, that's nothing. He does the same thing at home, but with Velveeta and cockroaches. And if ya turn on the lights really fast, they'll slam him right into the fridge.
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: Hey Meg, I'm thinking of a word, and this time it's definately not "kitty". Can you guess?
Meg Griffin: Is it kitty?
Chris Griffin: Ahhhh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: Hey, mom, look at these bananas.
Peter Griffin: Why you smart little bastard.
Lois Griffin: Now Chris, these are called "plantains". In fact, some women prefer them to normal size bananas because they're exotic and flavorful, and very very special.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, Lois, I see all the sorority girls clamoring for the platain section.
TV Show: Family Guy
Chris Griffin: Hi, my name is Chris. Mom and dad said that I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight and not mention poo. Oh god! What have I done?
TV Show: Family Guy