Family Guy Quotes
[Shamus has four wooden limbs]
Glen Quagmire: So, were you in an accident or something?
Shamus: No, me father was a tree.
Glen Quagmire: So, were you in an accident or something?
Shamus: No, me father was a tree.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Stewie and Brian are trying to sleep in a motel, a drug deal is heard in the next room]
Drug Buyer: You got the stuff?
Drug Dealer: Yeah I got it, where's the money, huh? I wanna see the money.
Drug Buyer: No, no, no, you don't see the money 'till I see the stuff.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, for God's sake, there's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. [yelling]
Stewie Griffin: HE'S WEARING A WIRE!
Drug Dealer: What? You son of a... [gunshots are heard following by a "body drop" sound effect]
Drug Buyer: You got the stuff?
Drug Dealer: Yeah I got it, where's the money, huh? I wanna see the money.
Drug Buyer: No, no, no, you don't see the money 'till I see the stuff.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, for God's sake, there's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. [yelling]
Stewie Griffin: HE'S WEARING A WIRE!
Drug Dealer: What? You son of a... [gunshots are heard following by a "body drop" sound effect]
TV Show: Family Guy
[Stewie and Brian in the mall]
Stewie Griffin: 10 bucks.
Brian Griffin: Five bucks.
Stewie Griffin: Eight bucks and I'll do it.
Brian Griffin: Fine. [Stewie goes running through the center courtyard naked]
Stewie Griffin: Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me! [Stewie walks back to Brian naked]
Stewie Griffin: Ha! I am so outrageous. Gimme the cash. [Stewie starts counting the money]
Brian Griffin: Cold in here?
Stewie Griffin: Nope, just really small.
Stewie Griffin: 10 bucks.
Brian Griffin: Five bucks.
Stewie Griffin: Eight bucks and I'll do it.
Brian Griffin: Fine. [Stewie goes running through the center courtyard naked]
Stewie Griffin: Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me! [Stewie walks back to Brian naked]
Stewie Griffin: Ha! I am so outrageous. Gimme the cash. [Stewie starts counting the money]
Brian Griffin: Cold in here?
Stewie Griffin: Nope, just really small.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Stewie builds a dish]
Stewie Griffin: [evil laughter] I've done it! [lightning strikes him]
Stewie Griffin: Whoa! Oh, goddamn it!
Stewie Griffin: [evil laughter] I've done it! [lightning strikes him]
Stewie Griffin: Whoa! Oh, goddamn it!
TV Show: Family Guy
[Stewie has run away and Brian discovers this note]
Stewie Griffin: Dear Stupid Dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S.- I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the 30-day return limit, but I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. It's actually not a horrible sweater, it's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? Oh and I also left a button on the bureau, um I'm not sure what it goes to but um I, I can never bring myself to throw a button away, I know as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll, wait a minute actually could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again good-bye forever. PPS- You know what, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.
Stewie Griffin: Dear Stupid Dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S.- I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the 30-day return limit, but I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. It's actually not a horrible sweater, it's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? Oh and I also left a button on the bureau, um I'm not sure what it goes to but um I, I can never bring myself to throw a button away, I know as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll, wait a minute actually could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again good-bye forever. PPS- You know what, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Stewie is about to be given an injection against his will, so he grabs something from the equipment trolley and threatens the nurse]
Stewie Griffin: Come any closer and I'll cut her! [realizes he's holding a tongue depresser]
Stewie Griffin: I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected.
Stewie Griffin: Come any closer and I'll cut her! [realizes he's holding a tongue depresser]
Stewie Griffin: I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Stewie is resting while Brian is licking his crotch]
Stewie Griffin: Urgh, what the hell do you think you are doing?
Brian Griffin: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie Griffin: You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation!
Stewie Griffin: Urgh, what the hell do you think you are doing?
Brian Griffin: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie Griffin: You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation!
TV Show: Family Guy
[Stewie is sitting in between Meg and Peter dressed like a prostitute]
Stewie: [to Meg] It's eerie, isn't it. Like looking into the future.
Stewie: [to Meg] It's eerie, isn't it. Like looking into the future.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Stewie reads a card and discovers his name written inside as the sender]
Stewie Griffin: Did you forge my name? How dare you. Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? Oh, I'm going to crap double for you tonight.
Stewie Griffin: Did you forge my name? How dare you. Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? Oh, I'm going to crap double for you tonight.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Stewie taunts a girl who has fallen down a well]
Stewie Griffin: It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Stewie Griffin: It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Stewie's bath turns to blood]
Stewie Griffin: How positively delightful... it's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble.
Stewie Griffin: How positively delightful... it's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble.
TV Show: Family Guy
[the audience cheered and applause]
Lois Griffin: Oh my god, they liked it? [the audience throws Peter flowers]
Lois Griffin: Stop it! Stop clapping right now! [the audience stopped cheering and applause]
Lois Griffin: What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged, they should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evening, and the victim's name is theater. This is the kind of mind-numbing shlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland. This isn't art, this isn't even entertainment. This... blows! [the audience faced on Peter]
Peter Griffin: Um... [starts to fart long]
Peter Griffin: [the audience laughs and gives him cheering and applause]
Lois Griffin: See, this is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about.
Lois Griffin: Oh my god, they liked it? [the audience throws Peter flowers]
Lois Griffin: Stop it! Stop clapping right now! [the audience stopped cheering and applause]
Lois Griffin: What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged, they should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evening, and the victim's name is theater. This is the kind of mind-numbing shlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland. This isn't art, this isn't even entertainment. This... blows! [the audience faced on Peter]
Peter Griffin: Um... [starts to fart long]
Peter Griffin: [the audience laughs and gives him cheering and applause]
Lois Griffin: See, this is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about.
TV Show: Family Guy
[the cable television transmitter was knocked out]
Tom Tucker: Diane, that last report was so good, you deserve a spanking.
Diane Simmons: Oh, Tom... I don't think your wife would like that.
Tom Tucker: My wife is a bitter old hag, she's in Quahog and cant hear a word we're saying.
Director: Uh, guys, we're back on in Quahog.
Tom Tucker: Diane, that last report was so good, you deserve a spanking.
Diane Simmons: Oh, Tom... I don't think your wife would like that.
Tom Tucker: My wife is a bitter old hag, she's in Quahog and cant hear a word we're saying.
Director: Uh, guys, we're back on in Quahog.
TV Show: Family Guy
[the eggs in Peter's beard have just hatched]
Peter Griffin: Aww, they look just like the kids. [Pictures Chris's head on the first bird, Stewie's on the second, trys to remember third child, Meg, but can't, imagines Boba Fett's head on the last bird instead]
Peter Griffin: Sweeeeet.
Peter Griffin: Aww, they look just like the kids. [Pictures Chris's head on the first bird, Stewie's on the second, trys to remember third child, Meg, but can't, imagines Boba Fett's head on the last bird instead]
Peter Griffin: Sweeeeet.
TV Show: Family Guy
[the family is planning a vacation]
Peter Griffin: We could always go to purgatory like we did last year. [flashback]
Lois Griffin: This isn't bad. It's not good, but it's not bad.
Brian Griffin: So so.
Peter Griffin: More or less.
Peter Griffin: We could always go to purgatory like we did last year. [flashback]
Lois Griffin: This isn't bad. It's not good, but it's not bad.
Brian Griffin: So so.
Peter Griffin: More or less.
TV Show: Family Guy
[the Griffins are being relocated to the South]
Peter Griffin: The South? Isn't that where the black people are really lazy, and the white people are equally as lazy, but they're mad at the black people for being so lazy?
Peter Griffin: The South? Isn't that where the black people are really lazy, and the white people are equally as lazy, but they're mad at the black people for being so lazy?
TV Show: Family Guy
[the Griffins have been invited for dinner at the Campbells, a family of nudists]
Dotty Campbell: Peter, can I get you a beer? I've got Bush. [Peter unwillingly looks down at Dotty's crotch]
Dotty Campbell: Oh, and Bush Lite.
Dotty Campbell: Peter, can I get you a beer? I've got Bush. [Peter unwillingly looks down at Dotty's crotch]
Dotty Campbell: Oh, and Bush Lite.
TV Show: Family Guy
[the Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on]
Stewie Griffin: You. Cut my eggs. [waiter cuts his eggs]
Waiter: Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie Griffin: Now cut my milk.
Waiter: Uh, I can't sir, it's liquid.
Stewie Griffin: [slaps him] IDIOT. Freeze it, then CUT it. And if you ever question me again, I shall put you on diaper detail. And believe me, I will not make it easy on you.
Stewie Griffin: You. Cut my eggs. [waiter cuts his eggs]
Waiter: Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie Griffin: Now cut my milk.
Waiter: Uh, I can't sir, it's liquid.
Stewie Griffin: [slaps him] IDIOT. Freeze it, then CUT it. And if you ever question me again, I shall put you on diaper detail. And believe me, I will not make it easy on you.
TV Show: Family Guy
[the Griffins watch "Happy Days"]
Richie: Mom, uh, I really like Potsy.
Mrs. Cunningham: Well, Potsy's a nice boy, dear. Why shouldn't you like him?
Richie: No, I mean... I *really* like Potsy.
Mr. Cunningham: We heard you the first time, son, you've got a homosexual attraction to Potsy.
Richie: Mom, uh, I really like Potsy.
Mrs. Cunningham: Well, Potsy's a nice boy, dear. Why shouldn't you like him?
Richie: No, I mean... I *really* like Potsy.
Mr. Cunningham: We heard you the first time, son, you've got a homosexual attraction to Potsy.
TV Show: Family Guy
[the Jetsons parody]
Jane: Oh my God. George.
George: [after being on the dog walker] Did you not hear me out there?
Elroy: Yeah, you...
George: Go to your room, Elroy.
Elroy: But...
George: [shouts] Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken.
Jane: I'm sorry.
George: Oh, ?I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jane is sorry?, I could've been killed.
Jane: Oh my God. George.
George: [after being on the dog walker] Did you not hear me out there?
Elroy: Yeah, you...
George: Go to your room, Elroy.
Elroy: But...
George: [shouts] Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken.
Jane: I'm sorry.
George: Oh, ?I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jane is sorry?, I could've been killed.
TV Show: Family Guy
[the Millennium Bug has just hit, causing planes to fall from the sky, nuclear bombs to detonate, etc]
Peter Griffin: Holy crap... Did anyone else feel that?
Peter Griffin: Holy crap... Did anyone else feel that?
TV Show: Family Guy
[they are eating Trisha]
Tom Tucker: Mmm. Diane can I cook or what?
Diane Simmons: I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks [they both laugh]
Brian Griffin: Oh my god! They're eating Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa!
Peter Griffin: That's insane! They're just gonna be hungry again in an hour.
Tom Tucker: Mmm. Diane can I cook or what?
Diane Simmons: I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks [they both laugh]
Brian Griffin: Oh my god! They're eating Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa!
Peter Griffin: That's insane! They're just gonna be hungry again in an hour.
TV Show: Family Guy
[they are in court]
Judge: I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison. [bangs Gavel]
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no! [Kool Aid Man busts through wall]
Kool-Aid Man: Oh yeah! [all stare, Kool-Aid Man backs out uncomfortably]
Judge: I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison. [bangs Gavel]
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no! [Kool Aid Man busts through wall]
Kool-Aid Man: Oh yeah! [all stare, Kool-Aid Man backs out uncomfortably]
TV Show: Family Guy
[to Brian]
Stewie Griffin: How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Got a a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for three years? Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist? Yeah? Got a obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off.
Stewie Griffin: How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Got a a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for three years? Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist? Yeah? Got a obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off.
TV Show: Family Guy
[to Stewie, at Christmastime]
Chris Griffin: Here, it's a candy cane. But don't stick it up your nose, it burns like hell.
Chris Griffin: Here, it's a candy cane. But don't stick it up your nose, it burns like hell.
TV Show: Family Guy
[trying to get a Scout Merit Badge]
Chris Griffin: Uh, Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we've tried everything
Peter Griffin: Well, we almost got that one for insect study. [cut to Peter & Chris watching a rich family eat]
Peter Griffin: Look Chris, it's a whole family of WASPs.
Rich Father: My Margaret, what a sub-par ham.
Rich Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. [pause]
Rich Father: [to daughter] Patty, did you know your mother is a whore?
Chris Griffin: Uh, Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we've tried everything
Peter Griffin: Well, we almost got that one for insect study. [cut to Peter & Chris watching a rich family eat]
Peter Griffin: Look Chris, it's a whole family of WASPs.
Rich Father: My Margaret, what a sub-par ham.
Rich Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. [pause]
Rich Father: [to daughter] Patty, did you know your mother is a whore?
TV Show: Family Guy
[upon finding out the local bar has been turned into a British pub]
Peter Griffin: Holy crap. It's a gay bar.
Peter Griffin: Holy crap. It's a gay bar.
TV Show: Family Guy
[upon learning that Meg is dating a nudist]
Lois Griffin: Now Meg, there's no need to get testes. I mean testy. Nuts. I mean crap.
Lois Griffin: Now Meg, there's no need to get testes. I mean testy. Nuts. I mean crap.
TV Show: Family Guy
[waiting in line for bathroom after drinking prune smoothie]
Peter Griffin: Hooold it... hooooold it...
Peter Griffin: Hooold it... hooooold it...
TV Show: Family Guy