Family Guy Quotes
[hitting on a girl waiting in line for a roller coaster]
Glen Quagmire: Hello there. You must be *this* beautiful to ride the Quagmire.
Glen Quagmire: Hello there. You must be *this* beautiful to ride the Quagmire.
TV Show: Family Guy
[in a turtle-shaped pool float]
Stewie: My God, I'm to entrust my life to a turtle - nature's "D" student?
Stewie: My God, I'm to entrust my life to a turtle - nature's "D" student?
TV Show: Family Guy
[Jennifer Love Hewitt is on a date with Peter, and reviews her past works]
Jennifer Love Hewitt: "I Know What You Did Last Summer"?
Peter: Nope... never heard of it.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: "The Devil and Daniel Webster"?
Peter: No.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: "Party of Five"?
Peter: Was that a porno?
Jennifer Love Hewitt: "I Know What You Did Last Summer"?
Peter: Nope... never heard of it.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: "The Devil and Daniel Webster"?
Peter: No.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: "Party of Five"?
Peter: Was that a porno?
TV Show: Family Guy
[Joe Swanson is in a fight with the Grinch]
Grinch: You think you have won, you think all is well. Well kiss my green ass, I'll see you in hell.
Grinch: You think you have won, you think all is well. Well kiss my green ass, I'll see you in hell.
TV Show: Family Guy
[live hurricane report]
Tom Tucker: And now to Ollie Williams, with our live hurricane report. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: It's rainin' sideways!
Tom Tucker: Don't you have an umbrella, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Had one!
Tom Tucker: Where is it?
Ollie Williams: Inside-out, five miles away!
Tom Tucker: Can we get you anything, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Bring me some soup!
Tom Tucker: What kind?
Ollie Williams: Chunky!
Tom Tucker: And now to Ollie Williams, with our live hurricane report. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: It's rainin' sideways!
Tom Tucker: Don't you have an umbrella, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Had one!
Tom Tucker: Where is it?
Ollie Williams: Inside-out, five miles away!
Tom Tucker: Can we get you anything, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Bring me some soup!
Tom Tucker: What kind?
Ollie Williams: Chunky!
TV Show: Family Guy
[Lois' aunt pays a visit]
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's only for a week.
Peter Griffin: A week? No no no no no please god kill me now no no damn damn crap damn it to hell son of a bitch ass ass bastard.
Lois Griffin: PETER.
Peter Griffin: Lois, sometimes it's OK to swear.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's only for a week.
Peter Griffin: A week? No no no no no please god kill me now no no damn damn crap damn it to hell son of a bitch ass ass bastard.
Lois Griffin: PETER.
Peter Griffin: Lois, sometimes it's OK to swear.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Lois is upset about a cult that is worshipping Peter]
Peter Griffin: Don't worry Lois. I'll handle this. I read a book about this kind of thing once.
Brian Griffin: Are you sure it was in a book? Are you sure it wasn't... nothing?
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah.
Peter Griffin: Don't worry Lois. I'll handle this. I read a book about this kind of thing once.
Brian Griffin: Are you sure it was in a book? Are you sure it wasn't... nothing?
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Lois is washing Stewie's hair in the sink]
Stewie Griffin: Careful! You're washing a baby's scalp, not scrubbing the vomit out of a Christmas dress, you stupid holiday drunk.
Stewie Griffin: Careful! You're washing a baby's scalp, not scrubbing the vomit out of a Christmas dress, you stupid holiday drunk.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Lois' sister is in labor]
Peter Griffin: It looks like Carol's blowing a bubble.
Lois Griffin: That's the head. Carol, push. Push.
Peter Griffin: I am. It won't go back in.
Peter Griffin: It looks like Carol's blowing a bubble.
Lois Griffin: That's the head. Carol, push. Push.
Peter Griffin: I am. It won't go back in.
TV Show: Family Guy
[looking around at a posh rehab clinic]
Peter Griffin: This is the kind of place God would go to if He had to stop doing blow.
Peter Griffin: This is the kind of place God would go to if He had to stop doing blow.
TV Show: Family Guy
[looking at himself in a spoon]
Tom Tucker: I'm sorry but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later.
Tom Tucker: I'm sorry but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later.
TV Show: Family Guy
[looking at whales]
Chris Griffin: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
Chris Griffin: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter Griffin: I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
TV Show: Family Guy
[looking into a woman's window with binoculars while she is undressing]
Mr. Rogers: Hello, neighbor.
Mr. Rogers: Hello, neighbor.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Meg enters the house crying]
Meg: I'll never be popular, and it's all because of this stupid purse! [Peter grabs the purse and holds it against the wall]
Peter: What the hell did you do to my daughter? I swear to God if you touched her...
Meg: I'll never be popular, and it's all because of this stupid purse! [Peter grabs the purse and holds it against the wall]
Peter: What the hell did you do to my daughter? I swear to God if you touched her...
TV Show: Family Guy
[Meg is trying to get the boy next door to notice her]
Lois Griffin: Meg, you're a sweet, beautiful girl, he'll come around.
Meg Griffin: That's such a mom answer.
Lois Griffin: Well, have you tried showing off the goods? How's that for a mom answer?
Meg Griffin: Creepy.
Lois Griffin: Meg, you're a sweet, beautiful girl, he'll come around.
Meg Griffin: That's such a mom answer.
Lois Griffin: Well, have you tried showing off the goods? How's that for a mom answer?
Meg Griffin: Creepy.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Meg walks in on Quagmire with a hooker]
Glen Quagmire: Hey, Meg, you just bought me another three minutes. Giggidy giggidy giggidy.
Glen Quagmire: Hey, Meg, you just bought me another three minutes. Giggidy giggidy giggidy.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Neil enters a motel room in a cheaply-made Wolverine costume]
Neil Goldman: Am I late for the Q&A? [Lois, nude and made up like Mystique, slams the door shut behind her]
Lois Griffin: Yes, but you're just in time for the T&A.
Neil Goldman: Am I late for the Q&A? [Lois, nude and made up like Mystique, slams the door shut behind her]
Lois Griffin: Yes, but you're just in time for the T&A.
TV Show: Family Guy
[observing Brian at a dog race]
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh my god. He's violating Sea Breeze.
Peter Griffin: No, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... OK, NOW he's violating Sea Breeze.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh my god. He's violating Sea Breeze.
Peter Griffin: No, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... OK, NOW he's violating Sea Breeze.
TV Show: Family Guy
[on being President of the tobacco company]
Peter Griffin: And you won't believe all the perks we're getting!
Ugly Girl: [to Meg] Hi.
Meg Griffin: Uhh... can I help you?
Ugly Girl: Some company hired me to stand next to you all day so you'd look better by comparison.
Meg Griffin: That's ridiculous! I don't need...
Boy: Hey Meg, did you get less ugly?
Meg Griffin: [grabbing onto the ugly girl] Yeah!
Peter Griffin: And you won't believe all the perks we're getting!
Ugly Girl: [to Meg] Hi.
Meg Griffin: Uhh... can I help you?
Ugly Girl: Some company hired me to stand next to you all day so you'd look better by comparison.
Meg Griffin: That's ridiculous! I don't need...
Boy: Hey Meg, did you get less ugly?
Meg Griffin: [grabbing onto the ugly girl] Yeah!
TV Show: Family Guy
[on being the First Lady of "Petoria"]
Lois Griffin: I'll be just like Hillary Clinton, only you know, without the penis.
Lois Griffin: I'll be just like Hillary Clinton, only you know, without the penis.
TV Show: Family Guy
[on buying a coffin... ]
Peter Griffin: I'll take it, but I won't pay a cent over $60.
Coffin Salesman: Sir that casket costs $1000.
Peter Griffin: 70 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: Huh?
Peter Griffin: 2000 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: That's twice what it costs.
Peter Griffin: [pauses] 40 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: What?
Brian: He... he doesn't know how to haggle.
Peter Griffin: I'll take it, but I won't pay a cent over $60.
Coffin Salesman: Sir that casket costs $1000.
Peter Griffin: 70 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: Huh?
Peter Griffin: 2000 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: That's twice what it costs.
Peter Griffin: [pauses] 40 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: What?
Brian: He... he doesn't know how to haggle.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter and Brian have just jumped their car off a flatbed truck like The Dukes of Hazzard]
Peter Griffin: Oh, man. That was great. Hey, maybe next time we can get Meg to be Boss Hogg and Chris can be Anus.
Brian Griffin: Enis.
Peter Griffin: What'd I say?
Brian Griffin: Anus. [Peter laughs hysterically]
Peter Griffin: Oh, man. That was great. Hey, maybe next time we can get Meg to be Boss Hogg and Chris can be Anus.
Brian Griffin: Enis.
Peter Griffin: What'd I say?
Brian Griffin: Anus. [Peter laughs hysterically]
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter and Chris are dressed in grass skirts]
Peter Griffin: [slapping Chris] No, no, no. It's "step, pivot, step, pause". Are you TRYING to piss off the volcano god?
Peter Griffin: [slapping Chris] No, no, no. It's "step, pivot, step, pause". Are you TRYING to piss off the volcano god?
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter and his friends have formed a rock band and are performing at a prison]
Peter Griffin: [shouting into microphone] Hello, Cleveland!
Cleveland: Hello, Peter.
Quagmire: [clapping drum sticks together] One, two, three, *four*!
Peter Griffin: [small amount of time passes] Oh, my God. We don't know any songs. [prisoners get mad]
Peter Griffin: [shouting into microphone] Hello, Cleveland!
Cleveland: Hello, Peter.
Quagmire: [clapping drum sticks together] One, two, three, *four*!
Peter Griffin: [small amount of time passes] Oh, my God. We don't know any songs. [prisoners get mad]
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter and his new "posse" have just come in the door]
Peter Griffin: Go in the kitchen and make yourselves some sandwiches.
Lois' Father: My jacket's in there, please don't write on it.
Peter Griffin: Go in the kitchen and make yourselves some sandwiches.
Lois' Father: My jacket's in there, please don't write on it.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter and Lois are dumbfounded after they find Brian masturbating]
Lois: Was he just mas...
Peter: Yes. Do... do I rub his nose in it?
Lois: Was he just mas...
Peter: Yes. Do... do I rub his nose in it?
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter calls in sick to work]
Peter Griffin: Mr Weed, I can't come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow. [Peter gets caught by his boss]
Peter Griffin: Remember that plane crash I had? It turned out to be gas.
Peter Griffin: Mr Weed, I can't come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow. [Peter gets caught by his boss]
Peter Griffin: Remember that plane crash I had? It turned out to be gas.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter forms his own country]
Peter Griffin: I call it... Petoria. I was going to call it Peterland, but that gay bar by the airport took it.
Peter Griffin: I call it... Petoria. I was going to call it Peterland, but that gay bar by the airport took it.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter gets fired]
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, the lost my job smells great. Hey, Meg, could you pass me the fired my ass for negligence?
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you OK?
Peter Griffin: Great. I haven't got a job in the world.
Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, the lost my job smells great. Hey, Meg, could you pass me the fired my ass for negligence?
Lois Griffin: Peter, are you OK?
Peter Griffin: Great. I haven't got a job in the world.
TV Show: Family Guy
[Peter goads various people to fight Lois, including Superman characters]
Peter Griffin: Jets suck, Yankees suck, Knicks suck... Krypton sucks.
Peter Griffin: Jets suck, Yankees suck, Knicks suck... Krypton sucks.
TV Show: Family Guy