Family Guy Quotes
Meg Griffin: I wish Chris would quit drawing pictures of my head on a pig's body.
Chris Griffin: [shouts] Don't censor me!
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: Lois, get me another bag of Skittles.
Lois Griffin: Excuse me, young lady?
Meg Griffin: Did I freakin' stutter? I said, more Skittles!
Lois Griffin: That is it, young lady. Ever since you've got that makeover you've developed a terrible attitude and this success with the family band is only making it worse.
Meg Griffin: The "family" band? Perhaps you haven't noticed, Lois but *I am* the band. Right, Ms. Swan?
Ms. Swan: Oh, yeah, she the band. Old lady jealous.
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: Mom!
Chris Griffin: Hahahaha! Nipples!
Meg Griffin: That's it! I want those cameras off!
Chris Griffin: Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall!
Lois Griffin: Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place.
Meg Griffin: Well now, I am getting us off TV. [leaves angrily]
Meg Griffin: I quit!
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: Mom! Mom! Chris found a jar in the basement with a hand in it!
Chris Griffin: I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows!
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: Mom, there's no way I'm sleeping in Chris's room this weekend. It smells like old milk in there!
Chris Griffin: Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up.
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad alone in the house he turned it into a giant puppet. [Scene switches to Peter yelling in a megaphone while moving the roof of the house up and down]
Peter Griffin: Hey. Hey. Stay out of here. Hey. You better not come in here. I'm the Griffin's house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: Oh no! I'm missing the news!
Peter Griffin: We all miss The News, Meg, but Huey Lewis needs time to create, and we need to be patient.
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: Oh. Oh, this is just my bird calls.
Peter Griffin: Do it again! Do it again! [Meg whistles, Big Bird's footsteps approached]
Big Bird: Yeah? Well, what'd you want?
Meg Griffin: Uh...
Big Bird: You called me, right?
Meg Griffin: Oh, no, no I wasn't calling you. [laughs nervously]
Big Bird: Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Y-yeah? Y-you know what pain in the ass is to get across town this time a day, huh?
Peter Griffin: Listen, uh, but mister we don't want any trouble here.
Big Bird: I don't fly you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh and people don't stare. You made me puke, [spits]
Big Bird: bitch.
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: Somebody's in the closet!
Jeff Foxworthy: You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.
Stewie Griffin: You suck!
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?
Chris Griffin: Well, I've been working out all week.
Meg Griffin: You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous.
Chris Griffin: Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.
Meg Griffin: [freaked] I don't have a mustache... do I?
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: Yeah, why are we here in this bomb shelter when I could be getting felt up by Kevin?
Lois Griffin: Now don't give it to him all at once, honey, make him work for it.
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well that would just leave England.
TV Show: Family Guy
Meg Griffin: You should go with him. This will be your chance to be alone with dad.
Chris Griffin: I'm not attracted to dad.
Meg Griffin: No, tell him you don't want to be in the scouts anymore.
Chris Griffin: OH.
Meg Griffin: Yipes.
TV Show: Family Guy
Death: I'm gonna need that picture of Olmos' [Edward James Olmos]
Death: ass back.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Yeah, right.
TV Show: Family Guy
Death: You can't tell anyone that I'm here. For if you do, the consequences could be dire.
Peter Griffin: Go on...
Death: That's it. [to Lois]
Death: God, what do you see in him?
TV Show: Family Guy
Shelly: I'll have the es-cargott and a chabliss.
Brian: [sighs] Same here. Es-cargott and a chabliss.
TV Show: Family Guy
Diane Simmons: And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today.
Tom Tucker: Really? 64?
Diane Simmons: Yes!
Tom Tucker: Now I thought she was dead.
Diane Simmons: Nope, she's alive.
Tom Tucker: Fantastic! And now this...
TV Show: Family Guy
Diane Simmons: Our suspect may look something like this. And we have received an anonymous tip with a new lead!
Tom Tucker: We now go live with Hispanic reporter Maria J... j...
Diane Simmons: Jimenez.
Tom Tucker: I know how to say it!
TV Show: Family Guy
Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight, I have been cast as the lead in the Quahog Players' production of The King And I.
Tom Tucker: In other news, I wont be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy.
Diane Simmons: This just in: Tom, you're such a closet case.
Tom Tucker: We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: [Lois is trying to pull Joe from falling to his death] You're to heavy! I can't hold on!
Joe Swanson: Pretend I'm your child [her grip starts to slip]
Joe Swanson: Not Meg! Not Meg!
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: [on Meg's shoulders] Just a little higher, honey.
Meg Griffin: Mom, I don't think I can... [sinks]
Girl: Who's holding Lois?
Boy: Some guy named Mel.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: [referring to Peter] This from a man who thinks the plural of goose is sheep.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: [shimmies around] Remember this? Remember?
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah that reminds me, I gotta give myself a breast exam.
Peter Griffin: [reaches into shirt and feels chest] Oh my God, a lump. A lump, oh no a lump, oh God... No, wait, Cheetoh. [pulls Cheetoh out of shirt and eats it]
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: [Stewie has just seen his parents having sex] Honey, there's nothing wrong with what you saw... in fact, that's sort of how you were created...
Stewie Griffin: Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! Get out of here woman, get out! [Lois leaves, Brian enters]
Brian Griffin: Oh, God. You saw them together, didn't you?
Stewie Griffin: Ngg... [Stewie nods]
Brian Griffin: You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: [talking to Chris] We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.
Peter Griffin: She's right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois Griffin: Peter!
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: [to Peter] Hey there, Sweetie! I got a wax this morning and let's just say you're cleared for landing. Huh?
Glen Quagmire: [from afar] Giggidy!
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: All right, Stewie, hold on to these while mommy goes to get some apples. [hands him plastic bags]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yes, how clever, Lois, to leave a child with a plastic bag that he can suffocate himself with. Well, I'm going to do it! [tries to put it over his head but it doesn't fit]
Stewie Griffin: That's right I'm going to do it! [tries putting it on the side of his head then climbing in it but it doesn't fit]
Stewie Griffin: Good Lord, Lois. Either I was a c-section or you're Wonder Woman.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Brian, could you pass the TV Guide?
Brian Griffin: Piss off.
Lois Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: Oh, I'm just a little testy because of the lack of... STOP STARING AT MY TAIL.
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Brian, you've really been enjoying your wine lately.
Brian Griffin: It's only my second glass. [takes a sip from a 7-11 Big Gulp cup]
TV Show: Family Guy
Lois Griffin: Chris where have you been?
Chris Griffin: Dad took me to see a plastic surgeon to have liposuction but I didn't have it done.
Lois Griffin: Good for you Chris. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean what kind of egomanical pretentious jerk gets liposuction.
Peter Griffin: [in a very sexy voice] Hello!
TV Show: Family Guy