Red Dwarf Quotes

Bear Strangler McGee: A man who beans in the hat of Bear Strangler McGee is either mighty brave or mighty stupid. Which one are you, boy?
Rimmer: Sorry, what are the options again?

Movie: Red Dwarf
Kryten: [an illusionary fireball is approaching Starbug] That fireball does not exist.
Rimmer: Say you're wrong?
Kryten: I'll stake my reputation on it.
Rimmer: Kryten, you haven't got a reputation.
Kryten: No, but I'm hoping to acquire one after this escapade.

Movie: Red Dwarf
Lister: Nothing's gonna happen. We're just doing it as a precaution. The whole ship's full of fail-safes anyway. Cooling systems, containment panels, vacuum shields. The actual chances of it blowing are about one in... [Red Dwarf's engine core explodes and totally destroys the ship]
Lister: One.

Movie: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Hey. What's that streaky blue missile thing that's heading towards us?
Holly: Hang on, I'll just check my data bank. Apparently it's a streaky blue missile thing and it's heading towards us. AWOOGA! AWOOGA!

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: You all think I'm a petty-minded bureaucratic nincompoop who delights in enforcing political regulations because he gets some kind of perverse pleasure out of it. And in many ways, you're absolutely damn right! But that doesn't alter the fact that the only we're gonna down track Red Dwarf and get through this in one piece is with a sense of discipline, a sense of purpose, and wherever possible a sensible haircut.
Lister: [Feeling bored after Rimmer's speech] I'm going back to bed.
Rimmer: Would it harm you to have hair like mine?
The Cat: I have got hair like yours. Just not on my head.
Rimmer: Well, I'm no stranger to the land of scoff. Perhaps you'd like to explain to me why it is that every major battle in history has been won by the side with the shortest haircut.
Kryten: Oh, surely not, sir!
Rimmer: Think about it! Why did the US cavalry beat the Indian nation? Short back and sides versus girly-hippie locks. The Cavaliers and the Roundheads, 1-0 to the pudding-basins. Vietnam, crew-cuts both sides, no score draw.
Kryten: Oh, for a really world-class psychiatrist!

Movie: Red Dwarf
The Cat: [faced with the ship being destroyed] We're deader than tank tops!

Movie: Red Dwarf
The Cat: Nice movie collection. "Revenge of the Mutant Splat Gore Monster." "Die Screaming with Sharp Things in your Head."
Kryten: Gore movies. Weapons magazines. This place is a shrine to everything that's low and base. Everything that's designed to sicken the soul and shrivel the spirit. Urg. Toastie Toppers. Ugh. Cinema hot dogs. Ogh. Sweaty kebabs with stringy brown lettuce coming out. Ogh.
The Cat: Look at this music. "Hammond Heaven." "Karaoke Krazy." "Peter Perfect Plays Tuneful Tunes for Elderly Ladies." Let's get outta here.

Movie: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.
Lister: It's well naughty. The trick is to eat it before the bread dissolves.
Rimmer: It's amazing Where did you get the recipe?
Lister: I'm not sure.... I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Kryten: "Pub." Ah, yes: a meeting place where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Kryten: [reading Hitler's Diary] Things to do: Stop milk, pay papers, invade Czechoslovakia!

TV Show: Red Dwarf

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister: [singing] To Ganymede and Titan, yes sir, I've been around...
Rimmer: Lister?
Lister: Hmm?
Rimmer: Have you ever been hit on the head with a welding mallet? No? Well, shut up, then.

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: [discussing his last exam] Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins.
Lister: You what? You went in there, wrote "I AM A FISH" four hundred times, did a funny little dance and fainted!
Rimmer: That's a total lie.
Lister: No, it's not. Peterson told me.
Rimmer: "No, it's not. Peterson told me." Lister, if you must know, I submitted a discourse on porous circuitry that was too... radical, too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.
Lister: Yeah. You said you were a fish!

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000; the same IQ as 6000 PE teachers.

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: [jogging] Morning, Lister! How's life in hippie heaven, you pregnant baboon-bellied space beatnik? What's the plan for the day, then? Slobbing in the morning, followed by slobbing in the afternoon, then a bit of a snooze before the main evening's slob? God, you're a disgrace to the species. [jogs away]
[Lister]: Good morning, Rimmer.

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Holly: Jean-Paul Sartre said Hell was being locked forever in a room with your friends.
Lister: Holly, all his mates were French!

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: What's this? Learning drugs? They're illegal, matey! I'm afraid you're in very serious, grave, deep trouble, Lister. Where did you get them? I want names, I want places, I want dates.
Lister: Arnold Rimmer, his locker, this morning.

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Holly: David Lister, Technician, 3rd class. Captain's remarks: "Has requested sick leave due to diarrhea on no less than 500 occasions. Left his previous job as a supermarket trolley attendant after ten years because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. Promotion prospects: zero."

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Holly: Arnold Rimmer, Technician, 2nd Class. Captain's remarks: "There's a saying amongst the officers: If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If it's not worth doing, give it to Rimmer. Promotion prospects: comical."

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: Hey, this has been a really good day. I've eaten five times, I've slept six times, and I've made a lot of things mine. Tomorrow, I'm gonna see if I can't have sex with something.

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: [sings] S-E-X, you know I want it! S-E-X, I'm gonna get it! Yeah! [Cat finds Lister unconscious on the floor.] S-E-X, I think I found it!

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister: Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?
Rimmer: Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything! Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me.
Lister: Like what?
Rimmer: Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray.
Lister: I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister: Yo, I didn't know you had any medals. What are they for?
Rimmer: Three years long service. Six years long service. Nine years long service... Twelve years long service.

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly.
Lister: C'mon, that was a joke!
Rimmer: Yes Lister, the same kind of joke as putting my name on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery.

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Holly: We're a bit short on a few supplies.
Lister: Like what?
Holly: Cow's milk. Ran out of that eons ago. Fresh and dehydrated.
Lister: What kind of milk are we using now?
Holly: Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.
Lister: Dog's milk?
Holly: Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.
Lister: Why?
Holly: No bugger'll drink it. And the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.
Lister: Why didn't you tell me, Hol?
Holly: What, and spoil your tea?

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a cat return a stick? "Hey, man! You threw the stick, you go get it yourself! I'm busy! If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place?"

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister: Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they are properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce!
Rimmer: True, but after the way I thought they were going to turn out they were quite (does a little kiss) superb! (French accent)
Lister: So how's the Cat?
Rimmer: Oh, he's just sleeping off the stomach pump...He'll be alright, the lamb was a bit of a flop though.
Lister: The Lamb!? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that Lemon Meringue Pie, man, what was in that?
Rimmer: I thought you liked that! You bought some back.
Lister: Yeah....I wanted to try some out on my Athlete's Foot!

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: I'm so hungry. I just have to eat!
Lister: Shh... Rimmer's dad's died.
Cat: I'd prefer chicken.

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister: Smeg! Outland Revenue!
Rimmer: [sarcastically] Oh, oh, oh, oh! Outland Revenue!
Lister: 8500!
Rimmer: 8500? That's a lot of tax, isn't it, Listy? How on Titan are you going to pay for that?
Lister: I'm not. It's yours.
Rimmer: What? This is wrong! This is dead wrong!
Lister: Relax, it doesn't matter now. Not gonna catch you now, are they?
Rimmer: What? Just because we're three million years into deep space and the human species is extinct? That means nothing to these people. They'll find us.

TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: It's all junk mail, you send off for every bit of crap going, just so you can have something to open. [Imitates Lister] Please rush me my portable Walrus polishing kit, four super brushes that can tackle even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes I am over 18 although my IQ isn't.

TV Show: Red Dwarf