Designing Women Quotes

Suzanne: Well, I don't know why Charlene insists on nursing this baby. It's like some kind of epidemic. Everywhere I go, anytime of the day or night, I see all these women whipping themselves out and acting like public fillin' stations. I mean, they act like just cause there's a baby attached, it's not a breast anymore. Could you see me unleashing one of these outdoors? All hell would break loose.

TV Show: Designing Women
Mary Jo: (talkin about her blind date) If this guy turns out to be a jerk I'm in the nearest cab.
Anthony: That'll be a little hard in a drive-in theater.
Mary Jo: Yeah you just watch me, I'm gonna take my porta-phone. I'm past 30 — I don't have to put up with any crap anymore.

TV Show: Designing Women
[Bernice talks about almost getting the ladies Thigh Masters for Christmas. Carlene has one....]
Carlene: That Suzanne Sommers says you can do it anywhere, right? So I did. I went to the laundramat and I was doing it, you know, and I was waiting for my clothes to dry... and they asked me to leave

TV Show: Designing Women
[Having recently had a baby and feeling like nothing but a big exhausted mother blob, Charlene takes a meeting with a client...]
Mary Jo: So how'd it go?
Charlene: I fell asleep.
Mary Jo: When?
Charlene: I'm not sure. I think it was right after we said hello and shook hands.
Julia: How long did you sleep?
Charlene: I think about 15 minutes. We were sitting on his sofa in his office talking about putting levalors on the windows, and I just sort of nodded off. Sometime after that he woke me up... apparently I was snoring.
Mary Jo: ... and then what happened?
Charlene: I started crying.
Suzanne: You started crying?
Charlene: Well, yeah... cuz I looked down and while I'd been asleep I'd gotten these great big wet milk spots on the front of my blouse.
Suzanne: Oh my lord!!
Charlene: It was just so humiliating.
Suzanne: Oh my lord!!
Julia: (angrily) Suzanne.
Charlene: And then I just jumped up real quick and put on my coat.
Suzanne: The one with the baby spit on it?
Charlene: That's right. And thank you for telling me, Suzanne. I didn't notice 'til I'd gotten there.
Mary Jo: And then you left?
Charlene: ... and that's when I fell flat on my face in the reception area.
Julia: I don't think I want to hear anymore.
Charlene: I probably wouldn't have fallen except that I'd put my pantyhose on so twisted this morning I've been walking like John Wayne all day. Then my purse came open... and y'know I had that box of baby suppositories in there. They just flew everywhere. There I was, on my hands and knees, wet, sobbing, mascara running down my face, my pantyhose twisted, trying to gather up all these little white firecrackers... ...y'know. Two of the secret

TV Show: Designing Women
Mary Jo: I guess we have been sorta tacky today.
Charlene: Which I don't understand because basically, we're very nice girls.
Mary Jo: Yeah. But we don't talk half as bad as men do. Men say things like, "Yeah, I'm gonna go out and get me some tonight."
Julia: Mary Jo. I don't know any men who say that.
Charlene: Oh yeah. Reese talks like that all the time.

TV Show: Designing Women
[Suzanne convinces Anthony to pretend to be her maid Consuela to fool immigration.]
Charlene: I wonder what's keeping Anthony and Suzanne.
Julia: Charlene, are you serious? A six foot black man dressed like Hazel just left here with Suzanne, his co-conspirator to defraud and deceive the United States government, and you're wondering what's keeping them? Well, it's been three and a half hours. I don't think you have to wonder anymore. I think it's pretty obvious. They are in prison.

TV Show: Designing Women
[Suzanne tells everyone that she's planning on taking them to an elegant spa, La Place san Souci]
Suzanne: I'm taking y'all to la place san sucky.
[Everyone is driving home from a spa from which the ladies were asked to leave after getting into a hellacious cat fight in the mudbath, and Anthony is still wounded from getting shot by Suzanne during the previous episode.]
Julia: But then again, I suppose in my heart I always knew that someday we would end up like this. I mean, well, it's kind of fitting isn't it? Here we are going down the highway into the dark Georgia night. Four aging Southern belles — war-torn hair, dirty faces — a nanny, a baby, and a crippled black man.

TV Show: Designing Women
Suzanne: I never use catalogs. I'd rather go in the store and see all the salespeople people groveling and sucking up to you.
Julia: Pardon me, I never knew they were so solicitous at the K- Mart.

TV Show: Designing Women
[The snooty director from the Tour of Homes arrives at Julia's home with the tourists.]
Karen: Where is Julia please?
Mary Jo: She's upstairs.
Karen: Are you the one who's going to help her give the tour?
Mary Jo: Yes, that would be me.
Karen: Well, c'mon. Let's get started. Skidaddle. Hippity hop!
Mary Jo: (putting on Southern airs and yelling upstairs to Julia in a snooty immitation of Karen) Julia! The tour is here! Karen wants us to "skidaddle and hippity hop!"

TV Show: Designing Women
Julia: Why don't you want to talk to Bernice?
Anthony: Because that hooker she had booked on her show cancelled out.
Charlene: I know. I told her to call my friend Monette for help.
Anthony: We tried that, but Monette and Atlanta's better class of prostitutes have gone to Las Vegas for a convention. Consequently, in Bernice's hour of need, Atlanta is suffering a severe shortage. Now we were out until three in the morning driving around in her cadillac looking for — as she put it — "fresh meat". I nearly wrapped the car around a post when she leaned out the window and yelled, "Work it, girl! How'd you like to strut your stuff on public access?!"

TV Show: Designing Women
Suzanne: My life has not been easy ever since Reggie Mac Dawson stole all my money. I mean I haven't been able to buy any new jewelry or furs in just . . . months, and I had to wear the same ball gown to two different parties this past season . . . and well lately . . . I can only afford to get my legs waxed up to the knees...(sobs).
Mary Jo: Well, I had no idea. This poor girl has been through hell. I guess it's just rough going all around these days.

TV Show: Designing Women
[Julia's house is placed on a Tour of Homes and she is enforced to open her home to inconsiderate tourists.]
Tourist: Y'know, the other houses were much nicer than this one. This is boring.
Tour Guide Karen: Well, this isn't one of our better ones. In fact, the only reason it's on the tour is because this was the home of Lucifer T. Stonewall Sugarbaker. He was a very famous horse thief and Yankee spy. Who's seen Gone With the Wind? Do you remember Belle Watling's house? Well this was the original that it was based on.
Tourist: This used to be a whore house?
Julia: Alright!! That's it. This is not a whore house, this is my house. And I've had all I'm gonna take of you. You don't care about history, you just want to sell it. You don't even sell it honestly. You just want to sell the myth... the myth of the Old South. You all know that myth, don't ya? Happy darkies singing in the field while Miss Scarlett primps around throwing hissy fits. Well that's an insult. It isn't the South. It's an insult to all the people who lived and died here not so very long ago. We Southerners have had to endure many things. But one thing we Southerners don't have to endure is a bunch of bored housewives turning historical homes into theme parks, not to mention ill-mannered tourists with their Big Gulps, Mysties, Slurpees, and Frosties, their dirty feet overflowing rubber thongs, and babies who sneeze fudgecicle juice! Out!! Out of my house!! As God is my witness... I will burn it down myself before I let you in again!!
[The tourists applaud...]
Tourist: Wow! Just like the movie!
Tourist: This is the best house on the tour!
Karen: [nervously trying to hurry them out Well... we aim to please. And wasn't that a wonderful piece of theater.As she leaves, she shoots Julia a vicious look!]
Mary Jo: Well... ..
Julia: Well...<

TV Show: Designing Women
[After Charlene turns juror Julia in for hearing about her case outside of court.]
Julia: (on phone) Hello, Charlene. I just wanted to thank you again for turning me into the judge. Now, the whole jury is sequestered till Lord only knows when, and I am here in Motel Hell, sharing a room with a women with no lips.
Charlene: Julia, I had to do it. We violated that law. By the way, I don't think your supposed to be making telephone calls. I'd hate to have to report this, too.
Julia: If you are so all fire, heaped up about turning people in, I believe you'll find some overdue library books in my upstairs den. Why don't you just report that too, and maybe you'll get your merit badge, you big 'ole donkey girl scout!
Charlene: Now, Julia, you sound overwrought.
Julia: Yeah, well, you're gonna think overwrought. If I miss my dinner with Jimmy and Rosalind Carter because of this, you're going to pay and pay big. I'm going to find you and hunt you down like a dog! I'm talking about you running through the woods in the snow with blood hounds ripping your clothes off! And remember, Charlene, I have your address. You'd be wise to ask yourself "Do I know where my baby is?"!
Charlene: Julia? Julia!? (hangs up) Oh my gosh, she threatened Olivia.
Mary Jo: What'd she say?
Charlene: She said she was going to hunt me down like a dog and hire blood hounds to rip my clothes off! Now, I thought the judge was just going to give her a warning. I didn't know she was going to be shut up in a motel room. Now, Suzanne, you know Julia. I mean, when this is all over she'll realize I had to do it and forgive me, don't you think?
Suzanne: I think you and your baby should get some black wigs on and get the hell out of town.
Mary Jo: Maybe Bill can put in for a transfer. I here there's a big base up in Greenland. On second thought, Julia'd probab

TV Show: Designing Women
[Julia is trying to push the votes through.]
Julia: Alright, that's 7 to 4; who didn't vote? (woman raises hand) Well, Janice, what is the problem? Did you intend to mime your vote?
Janice: I'm just not comfortable making a decision yet.
Julia: I see. And yet you are perfectly comfortable smearing your face with white grease paint and annoying pedestrians all over Atlanta. Interesting. No really, Janice, I think it's time you came to a decision. As a matter of fact, I think it's time you all came to a decision. We've been here almost three days, and apparently you people have nothing better to do then to sit around here hogging up the taxpayers' money, eating baskets of fried cheese and staying at the Fair Price Motel. Which I understand some of you think is the nicest place you've stayed in a while. (The "no-lip woman" fumes) Well, let me tell you something, it is not the nicest place I've been in a while. And for your further information, I'm having dinner with a former president and first lady of the United States tonight, because we are all going to be out of here. And the reason we're all going to be out of here is that this case is very simple. Did any of you listen to the judge's instructions? He practically told us to acquit. The case is frivolous! The defendant was not negligent. Case closed! Q.E.D.! Over and out! Hit the road Jack and don't you come back no more, no more! Go up to the table and mark your ballots, and if you don't mark them right, I'm going rip that fire extinguisher off the wall and blow your overfed, under-read, simple-minded butts out onto the Fair Price Motel parking lot!
No-Lip Woman: I don't think jury members are supposed to threaten each other. I don't appreciate that.
Julia: Oh, really? Well, I don't appreciate you leaving you big ol' box of June Allyson bladder pads on my night stand for all the maids and bellboys to see! Of course, you don't care if

TV Show: Designing Women
[The ladies are in New Orleans for Design Expo, and Charlene and Suzanne meet the ladies at a bar after spending the day on the town.]
Charlene: We're having so much fun. We followed this jazz band down the street to this big ol' party. We partied for two hours until I realized it was somebody's funeral.

TV Show: Designing Women
[Bernice is making a home video to send to America's Funniest Bloopers and finds out she shot the whole video without a tape in the camcorder.]
Bernice: They didn't say anything about a tape at the store! I thought you just sent the whole camera in. Oh, darn! Another beautiful Kodak moment down the toilet. Y'know, I think I'll just go back to that store and give them a piece of my mind. Or maybe not . . . it just may be the piece that's working.

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[Suzanne takes over the announcer's booth at a little league game...]
Suzanne: Excuse me, excuse me! Will the parents of the juvenile delinquent who broke my windshield please come the the announcer's booth. And bring your checkbook. Thank you!

TV Show: Designing Women
Allison: Oh Julia, just so you know..... the next time you see your lawyer on company time, it's going on your record.
Julia: Just so you know... the next time you speak to me in that tone of voice, you're going to the moon.

TV Show: Designing Women
[Allison describes when she was fired as a seeing-eye-person for a blind lady.]
Allison: Do you have any idea... what it's like to be let go from a position formerly held by a dog?

TV Show: Designing Women
[The war between Allison and Anthony over Suzanne's house continues: ]
Anthony: Just so you know, Allison. I did not appreciate waking up this morning and finding my wardrobe on the front lawn.
Allison: I did not appreciate the "Die, fascist pig" note in my pajamas pocket either.
Anthony: I didn't put any note in your pajamas.
Allison: Oh... I guess it was somebody else.

TV Show: Designing Women
[Here is some fun banter regarding Suzanne that is often cut out of the syndicated version...]
Carlene: Why'd she (Suzanne) move to Japan anyway?
Julia: Well, Suzanne was very attracted to the Japanese economy. They have a very large elderly population there, and she had dated most of the men in this country.
Carlene: Well that was something about her dating that Emperor Hirohito wouldn't it?
Charlene: Oh no, Carlene. That was the nephew of Emperor Hirohito. I mean, Emperor Hirohito is dead.
Mary Jo: ... never stopped Suzanne in the past.

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Mary Jo: For someone who's not gonna even be working here, Tinkerbell sure has a big desk.

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Allison: Just to make sure that we get off on the right foot, let's talk about how we can be more professional and well presented. On the personal side, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but someone's wearing a very offensive cologne. Incidentally, I do think it's inappropriate to bring visiting relatives to work. (To Carlene) Is there any particular reason you're lying on the sofa?
Charlene: Yes, she has premenstrual cramps.
Allison: You suffer from P.M.S.?
Carlene: Um... actually back home we call it F.T.S... Fixin' To Start. And then when it finally arrives, you say your cousin's visiting. And that's why it was so funny this morning when Anthony said Julia's cousin was visiting, I thought that Julia was... Fixin' To Start.... then you showed up

TV Show: Designing Women
Allison: (to Mary Jo) Incidentally, I assume you meant for your lips to be that color this morning.
Mary Jo: Yes.....I did.
Allison: Ok. I'm just a person who believes if someone has a bird on their head you should tell them.
Charlene: Mary Jo, guess what I found in the mall last night. Carlene and I went shopping, and I had this picture of my whole family put on this button....see? Here's my mama and my daddy, all my brothers and all my sisters. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna wear it when I meet the Queen....see that way she gets to see my whole family.
Mary Jo: Uh-huh. That will certainly set you apart from the crowd.
Allison: Let me get this straight. You're gonna wear that when you meet the Queen?
Charlene: Yeah, why?
Allison: Well, as I was just saying to Mary Jo, I believe that if someone has a bird on their head you have to tell them, and I am here to tell you that you do not impress the Queen of England by showing up with a big ol' soup plate on your breast with 49 hicks emblazoned on it!

TV Show: Designing Women
Julia: My father used to propose toasts all the time, so here it goes: Here's to the ones that wish us well and those who don't can go to hell!

TV Show: Designing Women
[Allison starts to enter the storeroom/bathroom... ]
Carlene: Oh no... (chuckling)... you can't go in there.
Allison: Why not?
Carlene: My cat's using it.
Allison: Your cat is using our bathroom?
Carlene: Yeah, I bought this book that says how you can forever eliminate litter boxes with their offensive odors, and what you do is: you take the litter box and put it on a stack of magazines right by the toilet, and every day you just add more and more magazines to the pile until it's right level with that toilet. And then you take that litter box and put it right on top of the toilet, so the cat gets used to (snap) jumping up there. And finally, you just remove the litter box entirely and just leave the lid up on the toilet, and you know what happens (smiling with her brilliance) ?
Allison: Yes. The cat jumps into the toilet. I admit that it's a great gag, and I certainly enjoy playing elaborate practical jokes on household pets as much as anyone but, Carlene, why are you doing this here?
Carlene: Well, I've got to supervise her progress.
Mary Jo: Y'know, I think it's just amazing that you can get a cat to understand the concept of a commode. My dog Brownie, I mean, he just thinks of ours as just a giant punch bowl.
Carlene: (laughing hysterically) Mary Jo, I can't believe you said that!

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Allison: Yes I know. Every time I come in here she's a pickin' and you're a grinnin'.

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Mary Jo: Anthony, where have you been all morning?
Anthony: Mary Jo, the proper question to ask is 'where have I been all night.' And the answer is... I was locked in the basement of Suzanne's house.
Allison: Oh! Were you in the basement? I thought I heard something down there last night.
Anthony: Oh really? Did it sound something like someone screaming "let me out of here, Bitch!!"?

TV Show: Designing Women
[After Julia's friend Mark stops by the store]
Allison: So... that's Mark Bayswell.
Julia: Uh huh.
Allison: That's the man who's going to take you back into the world of dating.
Julia: That's right.
Allison: Uh HUH.
Julia: What exactly do you mean by 'uh huh?'
Allison: Nothing. You just proved my point, that's all.
Julia: What's your point?
Allison: Julia!! That is the gayest human being I've ever seen in my life!
Julia: He is Not!
Allison: Julia!! He was wearing a Lacoste. He knows what a peplum is. In a twenty second conversation he managed to work in 'Ida Lupino.' And he has never laid a finger on you, am I right?
Julia: I'm not going to answer that.
Allison: You just did.

TV Show: Designing Women
Allison: There are many, many sufferers of [Obnoxious Personality Disorder]. It's such a sad story. Literally thousands of people have lost their friends, their jobs, even their husbands and wives--- simply because they're obnoxious. And there is also a very high rate of alcoholism.
Mary Jo: Among obnoxious people...
Allison: No, among their friends and relations.

TV Show: Designing Women