Designing Women Quotes

[each set of quotation marks signifies quotation mark hand gestures]
Allison: Julia, wait! I just wanted to hear how your "date" went last night.
Julia: Y'know, Allison, you're very clever with those quotation marks, but just for the record, I prefer my conversations straight forward and unencumbered by little rabbit gestures. Do you "get it?"
Allison: But I was right wasn't I? Your "boyfriend" didn't lay a hand on you, did he?
Julia: Not that it is remotely even any of your business, but just to wipe that smirk off your face, I will tell you. You were not right. He is positively not gay.
Allison: How do you know?
Julia: I picked up subtle signals while he had his tongue down my throat. Now what do you say to that?
Allison: (dumbfounded.....) He must be bi.
Julia: Allison, he is NOT!! You were wrong! You're always wrong, and you never want to admit it. He is straight! There is no question about it. He made that fact uncomfortably clear!
Allison: "Uncomfortably?" (as Allison makes her quotation mark gestures, Julia grabs her hands... ) Oh, I'm sorry! It's a habit.....it's going to take some getting used to. I'm just so interested in this word "uncomfortably." I mean, it seems there's something you're not admitting, Little Miss Cards-on-the-table.
Julia: Oh, alright. I'll give you that. I guess subconsciously I did think Mark was gay and therefore I was safe.
Anthony: Julia, excuse me for overhearing, but I just want to add my two cents.
Julia: Oh please!! I do so want to hear from everyone on this subject! Call your friends!
Anthony: I was just going to say; you can't force yourself to start dating if it isn't time. I know because there came a day in my life when I wasn't interested in any romantic involvement at all. The whole idea didn't appeal to me, period, and no

TV Show: Designing Women
Carlene: Oh, Mary Jo. You are just the best girlfriend I've ever had! I mean it! If you were a man I'd marry you. I would!(pondering) But Julia, you know what . . . I would find you very attractive too. It would be a tough decision . . . Mary Jo or Julia. I can't decide! Allison, what do you think?
Allison: I think you need a date — bad!!
Carlene: You think so?
Mary Jo: Oh, don't pay any attention to her. She's just mad because none of us want to marry her.

TV Show: Designing Women
[Allison walks in while Anthony is pretending to be Carlene's boyfriend to help her impress her ex-husband and gets frustrated because she feels like she never knows what is going on.]
Allison: I cannot believe that this woman blows into town five minutes ago and already she's got a best friend and a boyfriend — not the ones I would choose, but still! I mean, I think I'm attractive, but I don't have a best friend. I don't have a boyfriend. And for some reason none of the women at work wanna marry me.

TV Show: Designing Women
[After finding out everyone has been lying all along and she wasn't in on the deception: ]
Allison: Y'know, you people are all just messing with me. And I would like to tell you something . . . I wouldn't marry any of you girls if you begged me to!

TV Show: Designing Women
Allison: Wh- What's wrong with your voice? It sounds low.
Anthony: (deep voice) I have a code. Allison Sugarbaker, Dwayne Dobber.

TV Show: Designing Women
Mary Jo: (to Allison, who is concerned that Barry is out to get revenge on her) If he tries anything, you can just unleash your secret weapon — and sleep with him.

TV Show: Designing Women
[Julia gets a hold of Donald Trump's private number and gives "The Donald" a call]
Julia: Hello? Mr. Trump? I hope I'm not disturbing you. I'm just calling you to say — on behalf of the American public — Mr. Trump, we no longer care who you date, we really don't. You are no longer obligated to alert the news media everytime your pants are on fire because we don't care. So please feel free to fire all your hacks, flacks and publicists employed for this purpose because — and I repeat — we...don't...care! Who am I? Well, you've never met me, but you can just call me....The Julia.

TV Show: Designing Women
[T. Tommy Reed makes Allison dance with him when the crew is all locked in the prison rec. room with him.]
Mary Jo: This is very strange... kinda like watching a combination of American Bandstand and America's Most Wanted.

TV Show: Designing Women
Carlene: Hey Mary Jo, listen, I hate to make you madder, but the polls are showing that the majority of American women believe Clarence Thomas.
Mary Jo: Oh, Carlene. The polls show too that most women aren't feminists. But if you ask most women about individual feminist issues, the majority of them are for them, they just don't want to call themselves feminists because George Bush and Phyllis Shaffley want to make everyone believe that feminists are all these big mouth, bleeding heart, man-hating women who don't shave their legs.

TV Show: Designing Women
Bernice: Well I don't know what all of the fuss is about anyway, even if these things did happen. Now, I've eaten at Long John Silvers many times. . . and I've never found a hair in my coke. And if I had, I wouldn't hesitate to send it back — and it wouldn't be ten years later either.
Mary Jo: Thank you, Bernice.
Bernice: And I'll tell you another thing; That Anita Bryant has caused trouble before. . . when she went out against the homosexuals. And here she is, trying to ruin this man.
Anthony: Bernice, that was Anita Bryant, this is Anita Hill.
Bernice: Oh. Well I thought Anita Bryant was white, but they both have the same hair-do.

TV Show: Designing Women
[Mary Jo goes berzerk as Bette Davis about women's rights in front of the news cameras...]
Mary Jo: All we want is to be treated with equality and respect. Is that asking too much? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be strident and overbearing, but you know nice just doesn't cut it anymore. I'm mad because we're 51 percent of the population and only two percent of the United States Senate. I'm mad because 406 men in the House of Representatives have a pool, a sauna and a gym, and we have six hairdryers and a ping pong table. I'm mad because in a Seminole, Oklahoma police station, there's a poster of a naked woman that says "Women make bad cops." I'm mad because in spite of the fact that we scrub the nations' floors, wash the dishes, have all the babies and commit very little of the crime, still we only make 58 cents on the dollar. And I don't know about the rest of you women out there, but I don't give a damn if people think I'm a feminist or a fruitcake! What I'm going to do is get in my car and drive to the centermost part of the United States of America and climb the tallest tower and yell, "Hey, don't get me wrong, we love ya, but who the hell do you men think you are?!!"

TV Show: Designing Women
[Mary Jo's brother plans to take young Quint hunting and fill her freezer...]
Carlene: You know, you can lease a freezer for that. Before Dwayne, I went out with this guy named Lyle — but everybody called him Booger — and he used to keep his game in one of those rented lockers. I remember for dinner he'd take me down there and let me pick out my meat myself . . . I felt just like a princess.
Julia: Y'know Carlene. You've told two stories involving this man already this week. I kinda hope this concludes the Booger Trilogy.

TV Show: Designing Women
Bernice: (singing) Black man!! Black Man, where have you gone to? Black Man!! Black Man . . . where did you go? . . .
Anthony: Bernice, what the hell are you singing about?
Bernice: Oh, Anthony I don't know. It just comes to me, I can't explain it. It's a gift.

TV Show: Designing Women
[They just find out another design firm has stolen their yuletide house design.]
Bernice: I think we should get some bricks and some baseball bats and go over there and teach them the true meaning of Christmas.

TV Show: Designing Women
[After the Shaming Ceromony of Anthony...]
Allison: That's it? That's the Shaming Ceremony You should call that the Boring Ceremony. I've shamed him better myself. If you really want to shame somebody, you gotta go for their underwear.

TV Show: Designing Women
[The Wild Men confess that their father's didn't teach them how to cry, so they felt betrayed.]
Julia: Please, if you wanna feel like crying, try being one of those women who hold down a job, raise a family on the side, watch their legal rights erode year after year, and are still being told that women's liberation has gone too far, that outta make you feel like crying. Hoooo!

TV Show: Designing Women
[Carlene shares her newly written song.]
Carlene: [(singing)]Remember the good old days.
Remember the good old days.
They were good...
They were old...
They were days...


TV Show: Designing Women
[Julia is forced to endure a bus trip with Mary Jo and her mother, and Mary Jo has just finished telling her mother that she's been visiting a sperm bank trying to get pregnant.]
Ms. Jackson: Julia, would you excuse us please.
Julia: Well, of course Ms. Jackson, but I don't know exactly where I would go. [(Mary Jo nods toward the bus restroom)]

Julia: Mary Jo, I hope that was just a nervous tick brought on by some dread neurological disease, and not a suggestion that I return to that bathroom! [(Mary Jo looks at the bathroom)]

Julia: (groaning . . . ) What I do for my friends . . . [(Julia gets up and goes to the bathroom — taking a deep breath before entering)]

Ms. Jackson: Mary Jo, when I mentioned Miss Pixie(her cat) getting in trouble, that didn't mean I didn't love those kittens. I mean, you know I loved them!
Julia: [(opens the bathroom door and desperately exhales) BLUHHHHHHHHHHH... Just getting some air(sucks in air and closes the door)]
Mary Jo: So what are you saying Mama?
Ms. Jackson: I'm saying, that I love you, and that I would love to have another grandchild!
Mary Jo: You would?
Ms. Jackson: And if you have to do it with some sperm club, then I can understand that.
Mary Jo: So what you're telling me is that it's ok with you if I just wanna stand by the dryer vent and see what comes in?
Ms. Jackson: Well I wish you wouldn't put it just that way, but umm...
Mary Jo: Well I'm going to take that as your unqualified approval.
Ms. Jackson: Thank you
Julia: BLUHHHHHHHHH(violently exhaling) . . . I'm sorry, but I cannot stand it in there one more minute! I can put a pillow over my head, I can put my finers in my ears, and hum Meliconi, but I CANNOT and WIL

TV Show: Designing Women
[Anthony has just announced his engagement to Vanessa Chamberlain, a woman he barely knows from whom the ladies thought he was just soliciting decorating business.]
Carlene: I cannot tell y'all what a shock it was when you said those words "I'm engaged." I mean, I will never get over it for as long as I live. It reminded me of one of those cartoons where somebody's hair just stands right on end. I swear . . . I wanted to grab my own hair and just go . . . boiiing!!

TV Show: Designing Women
Anthony: "Steadman, I want you to stop giving these women refills."
Steadman: "That little on pinched me... in front."

TV Show: Designing Women
Mary Jo: (Riding on a mechanical bull) "Hey Anthony, wadda ya say we try out this bondage wheel? go on, get up there on it!"
Anthony: "I don't think so Mary Jo. Black people aren't too fund of bondage. We think that is reluncdant"

TV Show: Designing Women
Mary Jo: "Dial 1-800 EAT MY SHORTS!"

TV Show: Designing Women
Anthony: (Walking in his bedroom.) "Dwayne, what are you doing in here?"
Carlene: "Oh, Anthony! this is not what it looks like."
Anthony: "Well, whatever it is, you are doing it in my room."
Dwayne: "Your room, I thought this was the guess room."
Anthony: "Unh, Unh, this is not the guess room. This is my room, and those are my sheets, and you are NAKED on my SHEETS!"

TV Show: Designing Women
Mary Jo: "Because I have had it up to hear with your I's and one's and everything that comes from Mount Julia!"

TV Show: Designing Women
Julia: "Well, FAR be it!"

TV Show: Designing Women
Mary Jo: "I said, PROOFREAD IT! That means, SPELL CHECK. And AS for YOUR OPINION, sometimes we don't want to hear your opinion, and sometimes we don't care if you have an opinion, and sometimes, maybe someday that you will write this down Julia.....SOMETIMES, YOUR OPINION IS WROOOOOOOOOOONNNG!!!!!!!!!!!!"

TV Show: Designing Women
Bernice: (to a man in a truck-stop diner) I'll be your long-haul momma, if you'll be my hard-driving man.

TV Show: Designing Women
[Carlene, as she hangs upside down on some exercise equipment, to Julia: ]
Carlene: Hey, Julia . . . I can see up your nose from here.

TV Show: Designing Women
Anthony: "Everytime I spend the evening with you BJ, I always end up on a contraption upside down."

TV Show: Designing Women
[B.J. plans to take everyone to Las Vegas to cheer Anthony up after his broken engagement.]
Anthony: B.J., you have no way of knowing this, but every adventure I've ever gone on with these women — from going to Graceland when it was closed to spending the night wearing pantyhose in a ten degree motel room with Suzanne Sugarbaker — has just ended up as a total disaster. Y'know, this just may be the adventure that I've been waiting for... the one that just finishes me off.
B.J.: Is that a yes?
Anthony: I'll get my bags.

TV Show: Designing Women