Designing Women Quotes
[After Julia returns from a fashion show where her dress got caught up in her pantyhose: ]
Julia: I can't believe that all my life, I've tried to create some semblance of grace and style. Now I'm going to be remembered as that woman...
Suzanne: ... who mooned Atlanta.
Julia: I can't believe that all my life, I've tried to create some semblance of grace and style. Now I'm going to be remembered as that woman...
Suzanne: ... who mooned Atlanta.
TV Show: Designing Women
[Charlene and Mary Jo relate an embarrassing story to try to cheer Julia up.]
Charlene: Suzanne, don't you have a most humiliating story to tell?
Suzanne: Yes, I do. My most humiliating moment... was when Julia mooned 1200 people.
Charlene: Suzanne, don't you have a most humiliating story to tell?
Suzanne: Yes, I do. My most humiliating moment... was when Julia mooned 1200 people.
TV Show: Designing Women
Suzanne: Women are always getting a bad rap for wanting men to make money. But there is an absolute, bona-fide scientific reason for it. Haven't you all heard of Darwin?
Julia: You mean Darwin Sanders who used to take care of our yard?
Suzanne: No, silly, Charles Darwin. Don't you read?
Julia: Yes, Suzanne. Yes, I do. But you don't, so I thought — well — go on.
Julia: You mean Darwin Sanders who used to take care of our yard?
Suzanne: No, silly, Charles Darwin. Don't you read?
Julia: Yes, Suzanne. Yes, I do. But you don't, so I thought — well — go on.
TV Show: Designing Women
[Charlene shows up for work with big news — so excited that she can barely speak.]
Julia: Good morning, Charlene. Mary Jo says you have some news for us.
[Charlene screams with elation under her breath.]
Julia: Must be good news!
Suzanne: Charlene, if this is something stupid like Pam Ewing's coming back to Dallas, I don't want to hear it.
Charlene: I'm getting married!!
Julia: You're getting married?!!
Mary Jo: I didn't tell them! It just about killed me, but I didn't.
Julia: When did this happen?
Charlene: Friday night. I told Mary Jo already, but I couldn't get ahold of you, and I wanted to tell you all in one big swoop....I'm getting married!!
Julia: I'm so happy for you!
[Meanwhile, Suzanne has been inspecting Charlene's engagement ring with her jewelers loupe.]
Suzanne: Oh, nice job, Charlene! Now....who're you marrying?
Charlene: annoyed Bill!!
Mary Jo: Suzanne....
Suzanne: Well, I thought so, but y'know it never hurts to ask.
Julia: Good morning, Charlene. Mary Jo says you have some news for us.
[Charlene screams with elation under her breath.]
Julia: Must be good news!
Suzanne: Charlene, if this is something stupid like Pam Ewing's coming back to Dallas, I don't want to hear it.
Charlene: I'm getting married!!
Julia: You're getting married?!!
Mary Jo: I didn't tell them! It just about killed me, but I didn't.
Julia: When did this happen?
Charlene: Friday night. I told Mary Jo already, but I couldn't get ahold of you, and I wanted to tell you all in one big swoop....I'm getting married!!
Julia: I'm so happy for you!
[Meanwhile, Suzanne has been inspecting Charlene's engagement ring with her jewelers loupe.]
Suzanne: Oh, nice job, Charlene! Now....who're you marrying?
Charlene: annoyed Bill!!
Mary Jo: Suzanne....
Suzanne: Well, I thought so, but y'know it never hurts to ask.
TV Show: Designing Women
[Mary Jo drags Julia to a keg party for moral support as she breaks off with her younger boyfriend, Kenny. As Julia returns from the powder room she runs into Kenny.]
Kenny: Mrs. Sugarbaker! How 'bout you and I going out sometime? I bet I could pick up a thing or two from you.
Julia: Well, I doubt that, Kenny. But I might be able to offer you one piece of wisdom.
Kenny: Oh yeah? What's that?
Julia: I believe that you will find as years go by, and you get older and wiser, traversing life's little ups and downs, that underwear probably really doesn't make all that good of a hat.(turning to Mary Jo and speaking loudly to be heard over the music) The powder room isn't really functional now. The keg is in the bathtub and it seems the tap is slow. This is a source of some concern for all the young men in there because they are trying to fill Craig's funnel. Craig, it seems, drinks his beer out of a funnel.
Kenny: Mrs. Sugarbaker! How 'bout you and I going out sometime? I bet I could pick up a thing or two from you.
Julia: Well, I doubt that, Kenny. But I might be able to offer you one piece of wisdom.
Kenny: Oh yeah? What's that?
Julia: I believe that you will find as years go by, and you get older and wiser, traversing life's little ups and downs, that underwear probably really doesn't make all that good of a hat.(turning to Mary Jo and speaking loudly to be heard over the music) The powder room isn't really functional now. The keg is in the bathtub and it seems the tap is slow. This is a source of some concern for all the young men in there because they are trying to fill Craig's funnel. Craig, it seems, drinks his beer out of a funnel.
TV Show: Designing Women
[Charlene tracks Julia down by phone for advice on handling her fiance's snooty family, who thinks she has no class . . . Julia continues in her loud voice in order to hear herself.]
Charlene: Where the heck are you?
Julia: If you must know, Charlene, I'm at a keg party.
Charlene: Julia! I can't imagine you at a keg party! I mean . . . y'know, you have so much class.
Julia: That's just the point, Charlene. If you have class, you have it. It doesn't matter where you are or who you're with . . . and I have to go now because Craig is getting ready to drink out of the funnel.
Charlene: Where the heck are you?
Julia: If you must know, Charlene, I'm at a keg party.
Charlene: Julia! I can't imagine you at a keg party! I mean . . . y'know, you have so much class.
Julia: That's just the point, Charlene. If you have class, you have it. It doesn't matter where you are or who you're with . . . and I have to go now because Craig is getting ready to drink out of the funnel.
TV Show: Designing Women
[Charlene has a heart-to-heart with Bill's mother.]
Charlene: I love your son with all my heart, and I'll do anything to make him happy. But as much as I want to fit into his family, I'm just as proud of the one I come from.
Charlene: I love your son with all my heart, and I'll do anything to make him happy. But as much as I want to fit into his family, I'm just as proud of the one I come from.
TV Show: Designing Women
Anthony: Suzanne, if you want one of my cookies, why don't you just ask?
Suzanne: Why should I do that for? I've been getting as many as I want without asking.
Julia: Don't try to reason with her, Anthony. Suzanne does not understand the concept of fairness. She only understands punishment and reward. If you don't want her to eat anymore of your cookies, I suggest you put a little mousetrap in there. Let it snap on her hand once, I guarantee she'll get the point.
Suzanne: Why should I do that for? I've been getting as many as I want without asking.
Julia: Don't try to reason with her, Anthony. Suzanne does not understand the concept of fairness. She only understands punishment and reward. If you don't want her to eat anymore of your cookies, I suggest you put a little mousetrap in there. Let it snap on her hand once, I guarantee she'll get the point.
TV Show: Designing Women
Suzanne: Well all I'm saying is this better not turn out to be any kind of cheesecake, cause I just don't do cheesecake. I eat it, but I don't do it.
TV Show: Designing Women
[A sleazy photographer, DeWitt Chiles, goes one step too far when he asks Julia to pose for a photo shoot while sucking pearls.]
Julia: THAT'S IT!!!!
CHILES: What? What are you saying?
Julia: I'm saying I want you and your equipment out of here now. If you are looking for somebody to suck pearls, then I suggest you try finding yourself an oyster. Because I am not a woman who does that, as a matter of fact, I don't know any woman who does that, because it's stupid. And it doesn't have any more to do with decorating than having cleavage and looking sexy has to do with working in a bank. These are not pictures about the women of Atlanta. These are about just the same thing they're always about. And it doesn't matter whether the clothes are on or off... it's just the same ol' message. And I don't care how many pictures you've taken of movie stars — when you start snapping photos of serious, successful businessmen like Donald Trump and Lee Iacocca in unzipped jumpsuits with wet lips, straddling chairs, then we'll talk.
Julia: THAT'S IT!!!!
CHILES: What? What are you saying?
Julia: I'm saying I want you and your equipment out of here now. If you are looking for somebody to suck pearls, then I suggest you try finding yourself an oyster. Because I am not a woman who does that, as a matter of fact, I don't know any woman who does that, because it's stupid. And it doesn't have any more to do with decorating than having cleavage and looking sexy has to do with working in a bank. These are not pictures about the women of Atlanta. These are about just the same thing they're always about. And it doesn't matter whether the clothes are on or off... it's just the same ol' message. And I don't care how many pictures you've taken of movie stars — when you start snapping photos of serious, successful businessmen like Donald Trump and Lee Iacocca in unzipped jumpsuits with wet lips, straddling chairs, then we'll talk.
TV Show: Designing Women
Anthony: What would you do if somebody was coming after you?
Charlene: Scream for help.
Anthony: Uh, uh. You can't depend on anybody helping you.
Charlene: Then I'd run away.
Anthony: You can't always get away.
Charlene: Well, then, I'd kill them with a rolled up magazine. I saw this thing on TV where spies learn how to kill somebody with a rolled up magazine.
Charlene: Scream for help.
Anthony: Uh, uh. You can't depend on anybody helping you.
Charlene: Then I'd run away.
Anthony: You can't always get away.
Charlene: Well, then, I'd kill them with a rolled up magazine. I saw this thing on TV where spies learn how to kill somebody with a rolled up magazine.
TV Show: Designing Women
[Suzanne wants to practice her self-defense course lessons: ]
Charlene: Suzanne, why are you so interested in this course now? I mean, you didn't even want to go the first time. Now every time I see you it's, "Charlene threaten me, Charlene come at me with a knife, Charlene mug me at the Ready Teller."
Suzanne: Okay, Julia, come on. Come at me with a knife. I dare you.
Julia: Suzanne, I appreciate your enthusiasm for our anti-mugging course, and I must admit that occasionally this week I have enjoyed choking you, but this is a place of business.
Charlene: Suzanne, why are you so interested in this course now? I mean, you didn't even want to go the first time. Now every time I see you it's, "Charlene threaten me, Charlene come at me with a knife, Charlene mug me at the Ready Teller."
Suzanne: Okay, Julia, come on. Come at me with a knife. I dare you.
Julia: Suzanne, I appreciate your enthusiasm for our anti-mugging course, and I must admit that occasionally this week I have enjoyed choking you, but this is a place of business.
TV Show: Designing Women
Julia: You know, I think that women are just about ready to say, if you come up to us with a gun or a knife, you better be prepared to use it right then and there, because we are not going anywhere with you. And we are not going to be dug up, raped and mutilated months later on some rural road. We are going to be prepared to stand and fight with dignity in the parking lots and the shopping centers and the driveways of America. But buddy, you better be prepared to do the same, because even at the very least, one of us is going to be walking funny.
Mary Jo: You know what gets me even more is that twisted ankle business. That is so annoying.
Suzanne: What twisted ankle business?
Mary Jo: Oh, you know how they always show some young blonde thing in high heels with her bosom popping out of the dress, you know, running away from some monster or killer or something, and she's doing pretty good, she's making pretty good time until *snap* she twists that ankle. And then she just lies there til the monster polishes her off. I mean, I guess that's what you get for having big breasts and running around on three inch stilts.
Suzanne: Well what do you want her to do, Mary Jo? Stand up and beat the tar out of Frankenstein?
Mary Jo: I want a movie where a woman with a gun knows how to use it, and doesn't let some man wrench it out of her wimpy little wrist. I want a movie where the hero is Charlene, not Charles Bronson.
Mary Jo: You know what gets me even more is that twisted ankle business. That is so annoying.
Suzanne: What twisted ankle business?
Mary Jo: Oh, you know how they always show some young blonde thing in high heels with her bosom popping out of the dress, you know, running away from some monster or killer or something, and she's doing pretty good, she's making pretty good time until *snap* she twists that ankle. And then she just lies there til the monster polishes her off. I mean, I guess that's what you get for having big breasts and running around on three inch stilts.
Suzanne: Well what do you want her to do, Mary Jo? Stand up and beat the tar out of Frankenstein?
Mary Jo: I want a movie where a woman with a gun knows how to use it, and doesn't let some man wrench it out of her wimpy little wrist. I want a movie where the hero is Charlene, not Charles Bronson.
TV Show: Designing Women
[Mary Jo finds herself being followed through a parking garage.]
Mary Jo: NO!!! Back off, buddy. Lay a finger on me and I'll kick you so hard your whole family will feel it. 9 - 1 - 1 !!!
Mary Jo: NO!!! Back off, buddy. Lay a finger on me and I'll kick you so hard your whole family will feel it. 9 - 1 - 1 !!!
TV Show: Designing Women
Suzanne: I just cannot believe I got this stupid traffic ticket.
Anthony: What'd you get a ticket for?
Suzanne: Driving in a reckless manner by having all the mirrors on my vehicle turned towards myself.
Anthony: What'd you get a ticket for?
Suzanne: Driving in a reckless manner by having all the mirrors on my vehicle turned towards myself.
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Suzanne: It's been my experience, Julia, that no matter where you go...there you are.
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[Suzanne finds her ex-accountant, Reggie Mac Dawson, who absconded with her life savings and is now singing and playing piano in a hotel.]
Reggie Mac: I've gotta go to Mr. Fladbeau's office and ask if I can take my break now.
Julia: Can't you just take it?
Reggie Mac: Well, I only get one a week.
Suzanne: Don't worry about Mr. Fladbeau, I'll take care of that. You're not leaving this room. [(Suzanne grags the microphone on the piano)]
Suzanne: Mr. Fladbeau! This is Suzanne Sugarbaker! Reggie Mac is taking his break now, thank you!!
Reggie Mac: I've gotta go to Mr. Fladbeau's office and ask if I can take my break now.
Julia: Can't you just take it?
Reggie Mac: Well, I only get one a week.
Suzanne: Don't worry about Mr. Fladbeau, I'll take care of that. You're not leaving this room. [(Suzanne grags the microphone on the piano)]
Suzanne: Mr. Fladbeau! This is Suzanne Sugarbaker! Reggie Mac is taking his break now, thank you!!
TV Show: Designing Women
Suzanne: A little crying, a little begging, it touches me and I never let it go unrewarded.
TV Show: Designing Women
[Anthony is on caffeine pills to cram in all his studies.]
Suzanne: Well, I'm sorry, but I went all the way through college myself and never once did I have to use stimulants. I managed to keep up with my courses and a very active social life. And let me tell you, those were 6 ½ of the best years of my life.
Mary Jo: Oh, Anthony. I'm sure glad I'm not in your shoes. When I used to take exams I used to get soooo nervous the night before. I would have the most incredible dreams . . . y'know. Like that I would show up in the classroom just as everyone was finishing their test, and the professor would say "You're two hours late . . . sorry" — or — I would have this dream where — y'know-- I get there on time and everything, but I'd look at the test and I wouldn't know any of the answers. I mean I had studied completely the wrong thing . . . and then I would look down and I had forgotten to dress — I was completely naked!! Here, have some juice.
Anthony: That does it. I'm not taking any more of these pills. Working with her is stimulating enough.
Suzanne: Well, I'm sorry, but I went all the way through college myself and never once did I have to use stimulants. I managed to keep up with my courses and a very active social life. And let me tell you, those were 6 ½ of the best years of my life.
Mary Jo: Oh, Anthony. I'm sure glad I'm not in your shoes. When I used to take exams I used to get soooo nervous the night before. I would have the most incredible dreams . . . y'know. Like that I would show up in the classroom just as everyone was finishing their test, and the professor would say "You're two hours late . . . sorry" — or — I would have this dream where — y'know-- I get there on time and everything, but I'd look at the test and I wouldn't know any of the answers. I mean I had studied completely the wrong thing . . . and then I would look down and I had forgotten to dress — I was completely naked!! Here, have some juice.
Anthony: That does it. I'm not taking any more of these pills. Working with her is stimulating enough.
TV Show: Designing Women
Julia: I think that I am a member of the majority of the American public who knows this kind of filthy enterprise exists, but doesn't care to have it pushed in my own face, on my own street, thank you very much.
TV Show: Designing Women
[Suzanne and Charlene meet with the female editor of a men's magazine.]
Publisher: Actually, I'm a feminist, and I and my magazine make large contributions to feminist charities.
Suzanne: Yeah, well I donate to the ASPCA, but that doesn't make me a cat!
Charlene: Good one!
Publisher: Actually, I'm a feminist, and I and my magazine make large contributions to feminist charities.
Suzanne: Yeah, well I donate to the ASPCA, but that doesn't make me a cat!
Charlene: Good one!
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[An injured Anthony is trapped at Suzanne's and calls Julia begging for help.]
Anthony: I heard her talking to her facialist on the phone. And tonight, if you don't do something, they gonnaexfoliate me!
Anthony: I heard her talking to her facialist on the phone. And tonight, if you don't do something, they gonnaexfoliate me!
TV Show: Designing Women
Suzanne: Well, I don't care what anyone says about the New South, it's just like that time we went to Memphis. I mean, anytime you put one black man and three well-heeled white women together, it's just gonna look strange and that's all there is to it.
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[Julia agrees to spend the evening with a terminally ill man who has a crush on her.]
Suzanne: Julia, this is your sister. Anthony and Charlene and Mary Jo and I are right outside. We're tired, we're stuffed, our feet hurt, we want to go home. Now if you're in there being either bored to death or held prisoner by this nerd maniac. Then I suggest you turn on all the lights right now. Otherwise we're just gonna be on our way and assume that you are a cheap little one night tart available to every Tom, Dick and Harry with a head cold. Okay now, we're watching the window, we'll be waiting for your signal. Good-bye.
Suzanne: Julia, this is your sister. Anthony and Charlene and Mary Jo and I are right outside. We're tired, we're stuffed, our feet hurt, we want to go home. Now if you're in there being either bored to death or held prisoner by this nerd maniac. Then I suggest you turn on all the lights right now. Otherwise we're just gonna be on our way and assume that you are a cheap little one night tart available to every Tom, Dick and Harry with a head cold. Okay now, we're watching the window, we'll be waiting for your signal. Good-bye.
TV Show: Designing Women
[Anthony is running errands for the ladies to help them prepare for Charlene's baby shower.]
Charlene: I'm sorry you can't stay for the shower, it's just one of those all girl times.
Anthony: Believe me, Charlene, I understand perfectly. It's absolutely alright. I go to all-boy parties sometimes, and we have those little tiny sandwiches with the crusts cut off, and then we play word games where the prize is a biscuit cutter, so I've had my fill.
Charlene: I'm sorry you can't stay for the shower, it's just one of those all girl times.
Anthony: Believe me, Charlene, I understand perfectly. It's absolutely alright. I go to all-boy parties sometimes, and we have those little tiny sandwiches with the crusts cut off, and then we play word games where the prize is a biscuit cutter, so I've had my fill.
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[At the Baby Shower for Charlene, Suzanne had been whimpering all during the ceremony, until...]
Suzanne: They can have that crown when they tear it from my cold dead scalp!!!! Oh!
Suzanne: They can have that crown when they tear it from my cold dead scalp!!!! Oh!
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Julia: All right, we will all go in together, because Suzanne NEEDS all of us. And also, there is no way she can cover all four of us with one gun!
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Charlene: You do know that we're here to take you down to the hotel for the ceremony...
Suzanne: Yes, of course. I'm almost ready. Just let me touch up my makeup.
Julia: (suspicious) Ok, Suzanne. What's going on?
Suzanne: You know, Julia. We're going down to the Marriott to see those pageant people.
Charlene: (relieved) Oh, Suzanne, this is great. Yesterday, when you said that stuff about your cold, dead scalp, y'know, and then you ran out to the parking lot and threw yourself on the ground kicking and screaming, and then you crawled to your car with dirt and saliva all over your face, and then you drove away peeling rubber... we thought you were upset.
Mary Jo: Silly us.
Suzanne: Yes, well I talked to Consuela, and I'm better now.
Anthony: Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that.
Julia: I'd like to think that this means you and Consuela had a soul-searching chat, and you re-evaluated your priorities and realized crown, or no crown, you are who you are — but I have a feeling I'd be disappointed.
Anthony: I have a feeling it's more like little dolls, straight pins and chicken parts.
Charlene: Did Consuela make a Donna Jo Carnes doll?
Suzanne: Yes, and she also put a curse on that Audrey woman too, and I wrote down on this piece of paper a hundred times It will not happen, so you all can just go ahead and laugh, but I know in my heart it's just not going to happen.
Julia: Suzanne, you're just making this harder on yourself. Now I've talked to Reese, and apparently there's no statute of limitations on this thing, and there's nothing we can do here.
Suzanne: When I was a little girl, you told me, "Suzanne, if there's anything in this life you want to be, you can be it. All you have to do it want it enough." That's how I won that contest in the first place — I wanted it mor
Suzanne: Yes, of course. I'm almost ready. Just let me touch up my makeup.
Julia: (suspicious) Ok, Suzanne. What's going on?
Suzanne: You know, Julia. We're going down to the Marriott to see those pageant people.
Charlene: (relieved) Oh, Suzanne, this is great. Yesterday, when you said that stuff about your cold, dead scalp, y'know, and then you ran out to the parking lot and threw yourself on the ground kicking and screaming, and then you crawled to your car with dirt and saliva all over your face, and then you drove away peeling rubber... we thought you were upset.
Mary Jo: Silly us.
Suzanne: Yes, well I talked to Consuela, and I'm better now.
Anthony: Uh oh. I don't like the sound of that.
Julia: I'd like to think that this means you and Consuela had a soul-searching chat, and you re-evaluated your priorities and realized crown, or no crown, you are who you are — but I have a feeling I'd be disappointed.
Anthony: I have a feeling it's more like little dolls, straight pins and chicken parts.
Charlene: Did Consuela make a Donna Jo Carnes doll?
Suzanne: Yes, and she also put a curse on that Audrey woman too, and I wrote down on this piece of paper a hundred times It will not happen, so you all can just go ahead and laugh, but I know in my heart it's just not going to happen.
Julia: Suzanne, you're just making this harder on yourself. Now I've talked to Reese, and apparently there's no statute of limitations on this thing, and there's nothing we can do here.
Suzanne: When I was a little girl, you told me, "Suzanne, if there's anything in this life you want to be, you can be it. All you have to do it want it enough." That's how I won that contest in the first place — I wanted it mor
TV Show: Designing Women
[The group is waiting on the ceremony for Suzanne to relinquish her Miss Georgia crown to Donna Jo Carnes when Bernice comes into the room dragging a portly woman behind her.]
Bernice: Look what I found in the ladies room...
Charlene: Oh Bernice, put her back!
Bernice: Look what I found in the ladies room...
Charlene: Oh Bernice, put her back!
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Charlene: Those trees were gorgeous. It reminded me of the Ozarks and home. For some reason the baby was just kicking like crazy.
Suzanne: Well of course. What'd you expect? It's a little hick.
Suzanne: Well of course. What'd you expect? It's a little hick.
TV Show: Designing Women