American Dad! Quotes

Francine: I may be blonde with great cans, but I'm pretty smart when I've had my eight hours.

TV Show: American Dad!
[Hayley and Jeff are on the hike]
Hayley: Look, Jeff, I have bad news. This is a break-up hike.
Jeff: What? But-but we're so good together.
Hayley: No, we're not. You never challenge me. You just always agree with me.
Jeff: You're right. I so do that.

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: I got the promotion, Francine!
Francine: Yes, but you lost my respect. You're not the man I married.
Stan: And you're not the man I married!
Francine: That doesn't make any sense.
Stan: It doesn't have to. I got a promotion!

TV Show: American Dad!
[Steve is calling India]
Steve: Hello, India? Yeah, it's Pakistan. You know that nuclear peace treaty you sent over? Well, listen to this. [starts rubbing the phone receiver against his shoulder] Yeah, that's me wiping my butt with it. Oh, it is on. Meet me at the border at three o'clock.
[Roger takes the receiver from him]
Roger: Oh, and FYI, I'm punching a cow right now. [hangs up] That'll drive them crazy.

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: It's clear what must be done. We have to burn the school to the ground!
Francine: Stan!
Stan: Fine, fine. We'll talk to the principal. [Francine walks off. He takes out a lighter] Soon, my pet. Soon I will feed you the world.

TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: I don't think Dad likes having me around anymore.
Francine: Aw... Now why would you say that?
Steve: Because I woke up this morning in the car, fully dressed.
Francine: Steve, your father got hurt in a very tender place. He's probably frustrated he can't go to work, or mow the lawn, or clean the gutters. Boy, it's been a while since he's cleaned the gutters.
Steve: Hey, maybe until Dad get better, I can clean the gutters.
Francine: That's creepy, honey.

TV Show: American Dad!
[Stan and Francine are making out on the kitchen table. Steve walks in. Stan jumps off the table immidiately while Francine is still laying on it]
Stan: Steve!
Steve: Is this a bad time?
Stan: No, no. I was just buffing the table with your mother. [starts doing so]

TV Show: American Dad!
[Steve enters the bathroom, where Stan is about to "heal" himself]
Steve: Dad! There you are!
Stan: Of-Of course I'm here. Wh-Where would I be? Alone? Touching myself?
Steve: Yeah, right. Only perverts and Democrats do that.

TV Show: American Dad!
Dr. Heisler: Your breasts are fine. It would be unethical for me to recommend anything larger. But may I suggest a third breast?
Francine: I don't think--
Dr. Heisler: Okay, how about two in the back? Or I can combine these two into one fantastic super-boob!
Francine: Can I just get a little Botox?
Dr. Heisler: [disappointed] No one ever wants the super-boob.

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: [bending antennas on TV in anger] Murderer! You killed my son!
Steve: I'm still alive, Dad.
Stan: Yes, but you're dead inside.

TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: So you're saying I should never, ever have sex before marriage?
Stan: That's right. Or angels will kill you.

TV Show: American Dad!
Hayley: [to Roger] I promise I'll help you find a safe way to socialize with humans.
Roger: That'd be great, Hayley. I feel so cooped up in this place. It's like a prison, except without the thrill of a daily cavity search. [pauses] Did I say thrill? I meant fear.

TV Show: American Dad!
[Stan is at the dentist]
Dentist: Mr. Smith, you're what we call in the business a Class A grinder. Now, I'm not talking about the sandwich grinder or the organ grinder you may find locked in sweaty coitus with your father one fateful afternoon in Rome. No, you're a Class A grinder, meaning that you grind your teeth so fervently that you need braces.
Stan: Braces? You've got to be kidding!
Dentist: I only wish, Mr. Smith. And I only wish I had never known the sickly sweet scent of my father's love with that filthy fat gypsy. And that I could have mustered something other than "Papa, no!" before that shrieking monkey drove me from the room. But you're a grinder, and you're getting braces.
Stan: But I've already had braces, doctor! I've paid my dues!
[The last line triggers a flashback of his father and the monkey, which apparently traumatizes the Dentist to the point of becoming emotionless.]
Dentist: [grimly] Do we ever pay our dues, Mr. Smith?

TV Show: American Dad!
'[Stan finds Roger in the bathroom beaten, shaking and drinking coffee.]
Roger: I got beat up by a taco!

TV Show: American Dad!
[after Steve tells his friends that he was making out with a chick that is 80]
Snot: Dude, she's got wrinkles!
Steve: So do raisins. But those taste pretty sweet.

TV Show: American Dad!
Barry: Thanks for driving me home, Mr. Smith. We're going faster than people.
Stan: Quiet, fatty fat-fat fatty!

TV Show: American Dad!
Francine: You have a stable job, and adoring wife, and a family that loves you. That makes you the richest man in the world.
Stan: Oh, oh, that's fantastic, Francine. I'm the richest man in the world. [picks up the phone] Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I'm the richest guy in the world, because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Francine: Oh, Stan, please.
Stan: Oh, hang on. That's the other line. Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I'd like to donate some of my immense riches. What's that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy!
Francine: Okay, I get it!

TV Show: American Dad!
[Stan and Jack are about to break in to the vault of National Gallery of Art]
Jack: Son, breaking into a vault is like making love to a woman.
Stan: Right. So we should pound on it for, like, two minutes?

TV Show: American Dad!
[Roger and Hayley talking about Jack in Hayley's room]
Roger: Jack is so wonderful. How many push-ups do you think he can do? 'Cause I think he can do hundred.
Hayley: Roger, do you have a boy crush on my grandfather?
Roger: No, of course not! Why? Did he say something about me?

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Michael Moore? Oh, you mean Michael bin Laden!

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: So you know that Bullock claims to know everything. Well he didn't know his mother had cancer untill it was too late to operate.
Public: *shocked* OH!
Stan: Hahahahaha...

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: All right, everyone stay calm. We may be in Saudi Arabia, but it doesn't mean we have to panic or blame your mother.

TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: How come all the women are dressed like ninjas?
Hayley: They're wearing abayas. Saudi women aren't objectified like women in Western cultures. The beauty myth doesn't exist here.
Stan: It doesn't exist in Idaho either. Why wouldn't we go there? Talk about a bunch of dogs.

TV Show: American Dad!
Roger: [after getting out of Francine's suitcase] Guess you forgot to unpack me on the ride over here, huh? Well, good thing I dropped a deuce in your nylons! I need a drink; where's the booze in this place?
Hayley: There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country.
Roger: [Staring at her] Seriously, where's the booze?

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: I'm find us a satellite so we can watch Lost when I get home. Just because we're stuck in this wasteland doesn't mean it's not Wednesday!

TV Show: American Dad!
Francine: Honey, maybe you and Rashad would like to go play.
Steve: Mom, he's like eight years old. I'm not a little kid anymore. My childhood died on July 18 2003. The day Kobe Bean Bryant was charged with sexual assault.
Francine: Steve-
Steve: Why was he even in Colorado in the first place? Black man don't go to Colorado.

TV Show: American Dad!
[Hayley notices that Jeff is eating corn-dog in the movie theater]
Hayley: Jeff, that's a corn-dog! We're vegetarian!
Jeff: Still?

TV Show: American Dad!
Roger: Does this furniture polish have alcohol in it? [drinks bottle] Hmm, tastes like I might die.

TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Oh, I invited the fellows over for a feast after work so I figured you could whip something up. Or as they say in this country, [clap clap]
Francine: Forget it! You may have me locked up in this house but I control what I do in it. Or as they say in my country, [finger snaps]

TV Show: American Dad!
Henry [to Roger]: You don't appreciate what I've done for you! I made you lieutenant! You were a cook when we started playing!

TV Show: American Dad!