American Dad! Quotes
Klaus: If that were a real Wish Bowl, it would be in the Ferrari of a 600-year-old Incan on the way to his job as Jessica Alba's G-string.
TV Show: American Dad!
[Stan and Klaus are at home, watching The $100,000 Pyramid]
Stan: This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?
Klaus: An elevated blood-alcohol content.
[later, Stan is watching TV drunk]
Stan: Things you eat! Things that are fruit! Oh, oh, oh, things you peel! Ah, I'm halfway up the pyramid!
Klaus: You're watching The Price Is Right.
Stan: Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh, oh, things that wear pants!
Stan: This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?
Klaus: An elevated blood-alcohol content.
[later, Stan is watching TV drunk]
Stan: Things you eat! Things that are fruit! Oh, oh, oh, things you peel! Ah, I'm halfway up the pyramid!
Klaus: You're watching The Price Is Right.
Stan: Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh, oh, things that wear pants!
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: [alone in the attic] Things that are getting fat. Things that might be wrong, and Roger might be right. Things that should buck up! Things that will be proven right in the end! Aw, things that are just kidding themselves. Things that are useless. Things that are getting soft! Things that are stupid, dumb stupid-heads! Things that miss being needed. Things that need more wine to make the pain go away! [crying]
TV Show: American Dad!
Klaus: [closing lines, after he is reverted back into a goldfish] I guess it's true what they say; once you're black, there's no going back.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: [Reading the instructions, trying to make Mac&Cheese] Hmm... Boil water. What am I? A CHEMIST?!
Steve: [Talking To Barry] You gonna use your diaper? Kinda floating over here.
Barry: Sure let me just [Screams] Sorry ocupodo.
Steve: [Talking To Barry] You gonna use your diaper? Kinda floating over here.
Barry: Sure let me just [Screams] Sorry ocupodo.
TV Show: American Dad!
Guy #1: It's all set, right?
Guy #2: It's gonna be just like in Carrie. [pulls rope; several squealing pigs fall on Stan]
Guy #1: Pigs? It was supposed to be pig's blood.
Guy #2: I didn't finish the book.
Guy #1: You stopped reading after the word "pigs"? That wasn't even the end of the sentence.
Guy #2: It's gonna be just like in Carrie. [pulls rope; several squealing pigs fall on Stan]
Guy #1: Pigs? It was supposed to be pig's blood.
Guy #2: I didn't finish the book.
Guy #1: You stopped reading after the word "pigs"? That wasn't even the end of the sentence.
TV Show: American Dad!
Roger: Hey, with this mortar launcher, we can get back at the kid who went all Tom Sizemore on your eye!
Steve: Oh, I wish I could get back at him. I'm gonna dress up as a girl and get him to have sex with me and then say "Ha! I'm not a girl! You just had sex with a boy that hates you!"
Roger: Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.
Steve: Oh, I wish I could get back at him. I'm gonna dress up as a girl and get him to have sex with me and then say "Ha! I'm not a girl! You just had sex with a boy that hates you!"
Roger: Yes, let's leave that plan between you, me, and the string of therapists who won't be able to help you.
TV Show: American Dad!
Mitch: A car is simply a means of transporting pizzas. Thankfully the pizzas survived for they contain the dough... of life.
TV Show: American Dad!
Roger: [sarcastically as he goes on a delivery with Mitch] Oh, this is gonna be life changing.
[cut to Roger and Mitch exiting the house; this time]
Roger: [wide-eyed] That was totally life changing!
[cut to Roger and Mitch exiting the house; this time]
Roger: [wide-eyed] That was totally life changing!
TV Show: American Dad!
[Klaus, Hayley and Jeff are sitting around stoned, after having eaten marijuana brownies]
Klaus: They say if you play it backwards ... you can hear the voice of a dead kid.
Hayley: Wow ... wait, how do you play Monopoly backwards?
[The doorbell rings; loud knocking is heard.]
Klaus: Oh mein Gott! Oh mein Gott!
Hayley: Klaus, cool it! You're freaking out!
Klaus: It's the cops! Quick, flush me down the toilet!
Klaus: They say if you play it backwards ... you can hear the voice of a dead kid.
Hayley: Wow ... wait, how do you play Monopoly backwards?
[The doorbell rings; loud knocking is heard.]
Klaus: Oh mein Gott! Oh mein Gott!
Hayley: Klaus, cool it! You're freaking out!
Klaus: It's the cops! Quick, flush me down the toilet!
TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: Damn you and your experimental steroids!
Stan: Now, now, you're just experiencing a side effect called "roid rage..." it's perfectly natural.
Steve: Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect, all right... I have boobs!
Stan: Oh, my God!
Klaus: Talk about a butterface.
Stan: Now, now, you're just experiencing a side effect called "roid rage..." it's perfectly natural.
Steve: Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect, all right... I have boobs!
Stan: Oh, my God!
Klaus: Talk about a butterface.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Wave to the nice man, son... don't be too eager, they only bought us breadsticks... not take the Jag out for a spin.
TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: [to evil Barry] Sure, you can kill me with your gun, but are you willing to try something much more elaborate and unnecessary?
TV Show: American Dad!
Barry: Hey, Steve. Somebody left this on your front porch. (gives Steve the doormat)
Stan: Great, it's the fat one.
Steve: That's a doormat, Barry.
Barry: Who's Matt Barry?
Stan: God, I hate you so much!
Steve: Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
Francine: If it's okay with his parents.
Barry: Oh, they won't care. They never care.
Stan: Good people. My kind of people.
(Barry's watch beeps)
Barry: Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
Stan: Fatty can use the garden hose!
Stan: Great, it's the fat one.
Steve: That's a doormat, Barry.
Barry: Who's Matt Barry?
Stan: God, I hate you so much!
Steve: Mom, can Barry stay for dinner?
Francine: If it's okay with his parents.
Barry: Oh, they won't care. They never care.
Stan: Good people. My kind of people.
(Barry's watch beeps)
Barry: Oh, time to take my vitamin. May I have a glass of water?
Stan: Fatty can use the garden hose!
TV Show: American Dad!
Francine: (to Stan) Are you still moping about Steve? Come on. He's just going through a phase. It's like Steve is America and you're Arrested Development. It doesn't mean you're bad, it just means he's not interested in you.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Steve, do you still want to go to the Franklin Mint this weekend? The new Clara Peller commemorative plates are in. "Where's the beef?" (Laughs) Good question. Where was that beef? Nobody knew.
Steve: Oh, my God! The Franklin Mint?! Yeah, I'd rather die.
Steve: Oh, my God! The Franklin Mint?! Yeah, I'd rather die.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Steve used to really look up to me, but now it's like he's not into me anymore.
Roger: Wow, that's really, really boring.
Stan: I'm serious, Roger. I'm opening up to you here. It's like my son's rejection is bringing up all kinds of feelings I don't understand.
Roger: Oh, okay. Uh... not sure what to say here.
Hayley: Well, I'm off to petition my college for an Eskimo studies program.
Roger: What?! They don't have one? I'm sorry, Stan, I'd love to help you, but the Eskimos, their plight, that's the real stuff here.
Hayley: You care about the Eskimos?
Roger: Yeah, yeah, I love their pies. Keep going. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.
Roger: Wow, that's really, really boring.
Stan: I'm serious, Roger. I'm opening up to you here. It's like my son's rejection is bringing up all kinds of feelings I don't understand.
Roger: Oh, okay. Uh... not sure what to say here.
Hayley: Well, I'm off to petition my college for an Eskimo studies program.
Roger: What?! They don't have one? I'm sorry, Stan, I'd love to help you, but the Eskimos, their plight, that's the real stuff here.
Hayley: You care about the Eskimos?
Roger: Yeah, yeah, I love their pies. Keep going. Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk.
TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: (to Barry) Hey, that's my dad's Tara Reid collector's plate. You can't touch that. You know how much that'll be worth in a few months when she's dead?
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: So, Barry, want to wind down by watching the best movie ever, Red Dawn?
Barry: I'm Barry!
Barry: I'm Barry!
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Man, I'm getting hungry. Hey, let's go dig up your mother so she can make us breakfast!
TV Show: American Dad!
Barry: Stan, can we stop by church on the way to breakfast? Before I take my first sip of O.J., I like to take a big gulp of Jesus.
TV Show: American Dad!
[Foster children are working in Roger's vineyard]
Roger: That's right, foster children. Hard work builds character.
Foster Child: Water break, boss?
Roger: Oh, honey, don't call me "boss". That makes me feel like some kind of monster. Call me "Dad".
Foster Child: Water break, Dad?
Roger: No.
Roger: That's right, foster children. Hard work builds character.
Foster Child: Water break, boss?
Roger: Oh, honey, don't call me "boss". That makes me feel like some kind of monster. Call me "Dad".
Foster Child: Water break, Dad?
Roger: No.
TV Show: American Dad!
[Francine is preparing to kill George Clooney with an axe]
Francine: Well, I'd better run. George Clooney's head is about to have a big opening weekend.
Stan: Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing, no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell, Francine? What is this really about? I mean, I hate Susan Sarandon, but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just cut my hair different for a while.
Francine: What is this about? Just look at that fucker with cucumbers on his eyes! Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!
Stan: Oh, God. This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!
Francine: Midlife crisis? Wait. Future senator? Oh, I will fucking chop his head in two!
Stan: Francine, don't you see? Sure, Clooney has no cares, no one that depends on him, but... he has no one that depends on him. But you, you have a family: A son, a daughter...
Francine: ...and a husband who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.
Stan: Of course! I assumed you did!
[both laugh]
Francine: I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
[both turn to Clooney]
Francine: You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.
Francine: Well, I'd better run. George Clooney's head is about to have a big opening weekend.
Stan: Wait! I've gone along with you on this whole thing, no questions asked, but now I've gotta know. What the hell, Francine? What is this really about? I mean, I hate Susan Sarandon, but you don't see me cutting off my hand. I just cut my hair different for a while.
Francine: What is this about? Just look at that fucker with cucumbers on his eyes! Not a care in the world. No making school lunches, no grocery shopping, no cleaning the house, no one depending on him all the time!
Stan: Oh, God. This isn't about some unfulfilled dream. You're having a midlife crisis and you're taking it out on a future senator from California!
Francine: Midlife crisis? Wait. Future senator? Oh, I will fucking chop his head in two!
Stan: Francine, don't you see? Sure, Clooney has no cares, no one that depends on him, but... he has no one that depends on him. But you, you have a family: A son, a daughter...
Francine: ...and a husband who took a sabbatical from work, moved to Prague, and hired mercenaries to help his wife seduce another man! You probably would have let me sleep with him.
Stan: Of course! I assumed you did!
[both laugh]
Francine: I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
[both turn to Clooney]
Francine: You know, I actually feel sorry for him. He'll never know this kind of happiness. Let's go home.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: So this is a refugee camp? I have to say, not that bad. There's sun, sand - it's like Arizona. But here they probably celebrate Martin Luther King Day.
TV Show: American Dad!
Roger: In the words of every sit-com character in the early '90s and everyone in the Midwest through the rest of the '90s, don't go there.
TV Show: American Dad!