American Dad! Quotes
Grandson: Whoa-whoa-whoa. You were a fish?!
Grandpa Klaus: Oh yeah, that.... But Stan he was a new man and he--
Grandson: Hold on a second. You, were a fish. Don't you think that's a better story than two grown-ups ice skating?
Grandpa Klaus: I was also roommates with Rick Schroder, you wanna hear about that?
Grandson: YEAH!!
Grandpa Klaus: [sighs] Okay, Rick Schroder sucks, h-he just... h-he just sucks. He sucks so hard. Rick Schroder uses women. The end.
Grandpa Klaus: Oh yeah, that.... But Stan he was a new man and he--
Grandson: Hold on a second. You, were a fish. Don't you think that's a better story than two grown-ups ice skating?
Grandpa Klaus: I was also roommates with Rick Schroder, you wanna hear about that?
Grandson: YEAH!!
Grandpa Klaus: [sighs] Okay, Rick Schroder sucks, h-he just... h-he just sucks. He sucks so hard. Rick Schroder uses women. The end.
TV Show: American Dad!
[after learning the prize is a set of wigs]
Roger: Stan you've gotta skate in this competition. For Francine. She hasn't been this happy in ages.
Stan: But you just said I shouldn't--
Roger: That was a test! You failed! God, you're selfish. [smack] Bad Stan! Oh, I meant to say "bad Stan" and then slap you. Bad Stan! [smack] I dunno, I like it both ways.
Roger: Stan you've gotta skate in this competition. For Francine. She hasn't been this happy in ages.
Stan: But you just said I shouldn't--
Roger: That was a test! You failed! God, you're selfish. [smack] Bad Stan! Oh, I meant to say "bad Stan" and then slap you. Bad Stan! [smack] I dunno, I like it both ways.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Roger? Where did you learn to skate?
Roger: On my planet. You really haven't read my MySpace page, have you? You say you have, but you really haven't.
Roger: On my planet. You really haven't read my MySpace page, have you? You say you have, but you really haven't.
TV Show: American Dad!
Francine: This is the first time in twenty winters we've done anything together, and now you're dumping me to skate with Roger?! Why, Stan, why?
Stan: Well, honey, I-
Francine: I'll tell you why. Because winning some stupid contest means more to you than your own wife!
Stan: Yes. Thanks you. That would've sounded awful coming out from my mouth.
Stan: Well, honey, I-
Francine: I'll tell you why. Because winning some stupid contest means more to you than your own wife!
Stan: Yes. Thanks you. That would've sounded awful coming out from my mouth.
TV Show: American Dad!
Roger: You can't do this to me! You can't leave me here. Everyone's looking. Everyone's looking!
Brown-haired Man: Can you keep it down? No one's looking at you. We're trying to watch the skating here.
Roger: EVERYONE'S LOOKING!
Brown-haired Man: Can you keep it down? No one's looking at you. We're trying to watch the skating here.
Roger: EVERYONE'S LOOKING!
TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: (about Roger staying with Henry) Why does he stay, Hayley?! Why does he stay?
Hayley: Clearly, he's getting something from this kid he wasn't getting from you. When you have that kind of co-dependency, it can be hard to break free from an abusive relationship.
Jeff [appears from the pantry]: Can I come out of the pantry now, babe?
Hayley: I said I'll get you when I'm ready! (throws her coffee mug at him)
Hayley: Clearly, he's getting something from this kid he wasn't getting from you. When you have that kind of co-dependency, it can be hard to break free from an abusive relationship.
Jeff [appears from the pantry]: Can I come out of the pantry now, babe?
Hayley: I said I'll get you when I'm ready! (throws her coffee mug at him)
TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: You mean Jenga?
Roger: Well, I think it's pronounced Henga, but if you wanna crap all over the Spanish language, go ahead.
Roger: Well, I think it's pronounced Henga, but if you wanna crap all over the Spanish language, go ahead.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Come on, Steve, why don't you pick an interesting black person, like Dr. Daniel Williams, who performed the first successful open heart surgery, or Tim Meadows, the luckiest man in show business.
TV Show: American Dad!
[the phone rings, a man picks it up]
Man: Yes?
Principal Lewis: [seriously] I'm afraid we have some chocolate in our peanut butter.
Man: Yes?
Principal Lewis: [seriously] I'm afraid we have some chocolate in our peanut butter.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Forget about your report on Carver. Just do it on Will Smith. Oh wait, you need a black guy.
TV Show: American Dad!
Steve Smith: Dad! When were you gonna tell me that you're part of the Illuminati?
Stan Smith: Steve! That's crazy! I was never gonna tell you!
Stan Smith: Steve! That's crazy! I was never gonna tell you!
TV Show: American Dad!
Roger: I want a popcorn maker for my attic.
Stan: Don't be stupid, Roger. The attic is above sea level, and popcorn doesn't pop above sea level. I know, I've spent time in Denver.
[Steve is confronting Roger after the stock that Roger invests in plummets to zero.]
Steve: What the hell was that?! You said "SJP" was a sure thing!
Roger: I don't get it... SJP is in the new Spielberg movie! It's gonna be great!
Steve: What?! "SJP" is a Canadian chiropractic supplies company!
Roger: Isn't this the Hollywood Stock Exchange? You know, where you trade celebrities based on their careers?
Steve: What?! No!
Roger: Oh... then what is all this?
Steve: This is the New York Stock Exchange!
Roger: You mean like on Wall Street?
[Steve and Roger are standing in the rain in New York]
Roger: We're gonna make through this. We still have twenty bucks. In this town, with our brains, we'll turn it into a millions in no time. [turns to the kiosk behind him] I'll have the new issue of Cherry, and keep the change, my good man.
Steve: Roger!
Roger: Steve, it's a special big butts collector's issue. Someday it'll be worth a fortune. Now we play the waiting game.
[In the Kitchen, Francine turns around to face Stan, smashing a plate]
Francine: I WANTED TO GO GET HIM! I WANTED TO BRING HIM INSIDE! BUT YOU WOULDN'T LET ME!!! OUR BABY'S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Stan (close to tears): Don't you think I know that?!?!
Stan: Don't be stupid, Roger. The attic is above sea level, and popcorn doesn't pop above sea level. I know, I've spent time in Denver.
[Steve is confronting Roger after the stock that Roger invests in plummets to zero.]
Steve: What the hell was that?! You said "SJP" was a sure thing!
Roger: I don't get it... SJP is in the new Spielberg movie! It's gonna be great!
Steve: What?! "SJP" is a Canadian chiropractic supplies company!
Roger: Isn't this the Hollywood Stock Exchange? You know, where you trade celebrities based on their careers?
Steve: What?! No!
Roger: Oh... then what is all this?
Steve: This is the New York Stock Exchange!
Roger: You mean like on Wall Street?
[Steve and Roger are standing in the rain in New York]
Roger: We're gonna make through this. We still have twenty bucks. In this town, with our brains, we'll turn it into a millions in no time. [turns to the kiosk behind him] I'll have the new issue of Cherry, and keep the change, my good man.
Steve: Roger!
Roger: Steve, it's a special big butts collector's issue. Someday it'll be worth a fortune. Now we play the waiting game.
[In the Kitchen, Francine turns around to face Stan, smashing a plate]
Francine: I WANTED TO GO GET HIM! I WANTED TO BRING HIM INSIDE! BUT YOU WOULDN'T LET ME!!! OUR BABY'S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Stan (close to tears): Don't you think I know that?!?!
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Ah, the lighting of the town Christmas tree- can you think of anything more American?
Steve: An American flag?
Stan: Or. Or an American flag with Christmas trees for stars! Ooh, that would make a good cake. [pulls out personal tape recorder] Note to self: I like cake.
Steve: An American flag?
Stan: Or. Or an American flag with Christmas trees for stars! Ooh, that would make a good cake. [pulls out personal tape recorder] Note to self: I like cake.
TV Show: American Dad!
Donald Sutherland: Lets talk about it over dinner. Say...my place?
Stan: Lets talk about it over your brains. Say...all over the place? Ha Ha. Fantastic.
Stan: Lets talk about it over your brains. Say...all over the place? Ha Ha. Fantastic.
TV Show: American Dad!
[Stan has gone to God to get a second chance]
God: I'll just cut to the chase, I'm not going to help you.
Stan Smith: What? Then just help my family. You can't let them die.
God: Look, everything happens for a reason.
Stan Smith: What reason could there be?
God: Stan, I'm gonna level with you. If your family is allowed to live, Stanford's tennis team will go 0 and 8 in conference play.
Stan Smith: What?
God: [laughs] I'm just messing with you, the point is mysterious ways, have a little faith, I'm in the details. Now c'mon, you can be triceratops. I know he's your favorite.
[Stan draws a "Heaven Gun", which can kill anything]
Stan Smith: We're out of time. Now, send me back so I can save my family!
God: Not gonna happen.
Stan Smith: You have to!
God: Okay, so you know better than me, is that it? You're all-knowing?
Stan Smith: No. Yes. I don't know.
God: Exactly! You don't know, so stop trying to control everything.
Stan Smith: I don't do that!
God: Stan, you're holding a gun to God's head. I can't think of a metaphor that's better than this.
God: I'll just cut to the chase, I'm not going to help you.
Stan Smith: What? Then just help my family. You can't let them die.
God: Look, everything happens for a reason.
Stan Smith: What reason could there be?
God: Stan, I'm gonna level with you. If your family is allowed to live, Stanford's tennis team will go 0 and 8 in conference play.
Stan Smith: What?
God: [laughs] I'm just messing with you, the point is mysterious ways, have a little faith, I'm in the details. Now c'mon, you can be triceratops. I know he's your favorite.
[Stan draws a "Heaven Gun", which can kill anything]
Stan Smith: We're out of time. Now, send me back so I can save my family!
God: Not gonna happen.
Stan Smith: You have to!
God: Okay, so you know better than me, is that it? You're all-knowing?
Stan Smith: No. Yes. I don't know.
God: Exactly! You don't know, so stop trying to control everything.
Stan Smith: I don't do that!
God: Stan, you're holding a gun to God's head. I can't think of a metaphor that's better than this.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: [reveals shotgun behind pillow] Ah, pillow gun. Where danger and comfort meet. 200 thread count, '[pumps shotgun]' 200 dead count.
TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: Dollywood?
Roger: Dolly Parton's theme park! The rides give you the same experience as looking at her - fun from far way, but really scary up close. Anyway, it's on sale for $50 million.
Steve: You moron! You can't get $50 million for a kidney!
Roger: Would it hurt to say "Good idea, Roger" once in a while? [He pulls out a bottle of vodka from the tub.] This was to celebrate!
Roger: Dolly Parton's theme park! The rides give you the same experience as looking at her - fun from far way, but really scary up close. Anyway, it's on sale for $50 million.
Steve: You moron! You can't get $50 million for a kidney!
Roger: Would it hurt to say "Good idea, Roger" once in a while? [He pulls out a bottle of vodka from the tub.] This was to celebrate!
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Lies. It's like you have to lie to live. You're a lie-abetic. You have lie-abetes. Twice a day, you have to take a shot of insu-lyin'.
TV Show: American Dad!
Bush: Stan, those things don't make your daughter a lost cause. Look at me. When I was her age, I was blitzed off my ass 24-seven. Doin' Tequila shots, Jell-O shooters, Mind Erasers, Cement Mixers, Dr. Pepper Bombs, Mud Slides, Kamikazes, Jageritas, Lemon Drops, B-52s, Fuzzy Navels, Gorilla Farts, Scorpion Bowls, Singapore Slings, Prairie Fires, Bloody Marys, Slippery Nipples...
TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: Chlorine. Bromine. Crap! Astatine! How could I forget? It has the words teen and ass in it.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: I can't believe you're still upset. It's been a week.
Francine: You called me a pig.
Stan: I didn't say you were a pig. I said that dress made you look like a pig. And those shoes didn't help. All your fat, sweaty toes shoved in there like 20 Hondurans stuffed in a giant... shoe.
Francine: You called me a pig.
Stan: I didn't say you were a pig. I said that dress made you look like a pig. And those shoes didn't help. All your fat, sweaty toes shoved in there like 20 Hondurans stuffed in a giant... shoe.
TV Show: American Dad!
Steve [to Roger]: You sound just like Daphne Zuniga from that Lifetime movie, and you remember what happened to her.
Roger: Oh, my God! She ended up on ABC Family! Well, I'm not going to let that happen to me.
Roger: Oh, my God! She ended up on ABC Family! Well, I'm not going to let that happen to me.
TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: Now the world will never know the truth.
Stan: If only there was a place where you could make any outrageous claim you want with absolutely no proof, and millions of people would accept it as fact.
Steve: That's it!
[cutaway to Steve writing a Wikipedia article on "The Truth About Peanut Butter"]
Stan: If only there was a place where you could make any outrageous claim you want with absolutely no proof, and millions of people would accept it as fact.
Steve: That's it!
[cutaway to Steve writing a Wikipedia article on "The Truth About Peanut Butter"]
TV Show: American Dad!
[the family is dressed up and about to go to a banquet honoring minorities in America]
Stan: Can you believe we're going to meet Denzel Washington! He's like Harrison Ford dipped in chocolate!
Stan: Can you believe we're going to meet Denzel Washington! He's like Harrison Ford dipped in chocolate!
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Who's the boob? It that what you call me behind my back?
Francine: It's just a nickname, honey. It doesn't mean anything. It's like fatty or baby penis.
Francine: It's just a nickname, honey. It doesn't mean anything. It's like fatty or baby penis.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Oh, I tell a great story and I'm a liar, but Harry Potter does it and he's your favorite writer.
TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: [referencing to Stan] What a boob.
Stan: What was that, Steve?
Steve: Um, I... asked Hayley if I could squeeze her boob.
Stan: I love it when you kids get along.
Stan: What was that, Steve?
Steve: Um, I... asked Hayley if I could squeeze her boob.
Stan: I love it when you kids get along.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: [realising that children from pie eating content are deaf] Hey, I'm gonna just go in the kitchen and steal your food. Marlee Matlin sucks! [pauses] Ah, you know, that's not fair. I really enjoyed her work on The West Wing.
TV Show: American Dad!
Hayley: How long were you planning on keeping us up here? Forever?
Stan: What? No! [kicks down the sign "Smith family graveyard" next to him]
Stan: What? No! [kicks down the sign "Smith family graveyard" next to him]
TV Show: American Dad!