Two and a Half Men Quotes
[after the debut of the Oshikuru cartoon]
Jake: That's not what we wrote! That's your original sucky version!
Charlie: What can I tell you? The network liked that one better.
Jake: What are they, brain damaged?
Charlie: Welcome to show business, kid.
Jake: That's not what we wrote! That's your original sucky version!
Charlie: What can I tell you? The network liked that one better.
Jake: What are they, brain damaged?
Charlie: Welcome to show business, kid.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Please tell me the Jack and Ginger isn't for you.
Gail: No, it's for my girlfriend. Why?
Charlie: Well, you look like a woman of discriminating taste, and mixing a quality bourbon with ginger ale is like putting Cheez Whiz on Lobster Newberg.
Gail: No, it's for my girlfriend. Why?
Charlie: Well, you look like a woman of discriminating taste, and mixing a quality bourbon with ginger ale is like putting Cheez Whiz on Lobster Newberg.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Are you still reading that thing?
Charlie: How can I not? It's an entire website devoted to trashing me! Listen to this: "Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually bothered to take his socks off?" It's just mean! I have bad circulation in my feet -- they get cold!
Charlie: How can I not? It's an entire website devoted to trashing me! Listen to this: "Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually bothered to take his socks off?" It's just mean! I have bad circulation in my feet -- they get cold!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: OK, I've had enough of this. How do I delete this whole thing?
Alan: You can't delete a website. The only person who can delete it is the person who created it.
Charlie: Well, how do I find out who created it?
Alan: Now, let's see, huh? [does a WHOIS search] OK, uh... OK, the domain is the property of a company in the Cayman Islands called... [chuckling]: Charlie Harper Sucks, Ltd.
Charlie: That's no help.
Alan: Hey, you can buy T-shirts and coffee mugs! "Add to cart"...
Alan: You can't delete a website. The only person who can delete it is the person who created it.
Charlie: Well, how do I find out who created it?
Alan: Now, let's see, huh? [does a WHOIS search] OK, uh... OK, the domain is the property of a company in the Cayman Islands called... [chuckling]: Charlie Harper Sucks, Ltd.
Charlie: That's no help.
Alan: Hey, you can buy T-shirts and coffee mugs! "Add to cart"...
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: If I don't do something about that website, I'm gonna have to move to Pennsylvania and chase Amish broads.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta[reading a list that Alan left on the kitchen table]: "Pro: No alimony. Con: No sex. Pro: See Jake all the time. Con: See Judith all the time."
Alan: What are you doing? Give me that!
Berta: I'm sorry, it was just laying there.
Alan: That's private.
Berta: OK! [pause] I've got another "pro" for you.
Alan: Yeah, what's that?
Berta: If you hook back up with Olive Oyl, I won't have to scrub your toilet anymore.
Alan[writing]: "Pro: No more Berta."
Alan: What are you doing? Give me that!
Berta: I'm sorry, it was just laying there.
Alan: That's private.
Berta: OK! [pause] I've got another "pro" for you.
Alan: Yeah, what's that?
Berta: If you hook back up with Olive Oyl, I won't have to scrub your toilet anymore.
Alan[writing]: "Pro: No more Berta."
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You want to help me? Stop talking me up. It's killing me.
Charlie: OK!
Alan: And stop putting yourself down! Somehow that's killing me too!
Charlie: Got it.
Alan: Just-- just sit there and eat your dinner and I'll play your game.
Charlie: Fine! [Alan takes the open urinal next to Charlie] You want to shake on it?
Alan: You're disgusting.
Charlie: Yeah, I'm disgusting. At least I'm not the one taking a squirt on my shoe.
Charlie: OK!
Alan: And stop putting yourself down! Somehow that's killing me too!
Charlie: Got it.
Alan: Just-- just sit there and eat your dinner and I'll play your game.
Charlie: Fine! [Alan takes the open urinal next to Charlie] You want to shake on it?
Alan: You're disgusting.
Charlie: Yeah, I'm disgusting. At least I'm not the one taking a squirt on my shoe.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Jake spots the high school yearbook photo of Alan]
Jake: What was going on with your hair?
Jamie: It's called a Jheri curl.
Alan: It was my Michael Jackson period.
Jake: Who's the tall guy next to you?
Jamie: Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.
Jake: What was going on with your hair?
Jamie: It's called a Jheri curl.
Alan: It was my Michael Jackson period.
Jake: Who's the tall guy next to you?
Jamie: Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: I thought you were going to be busy today.
Charlie: I was. I went to a movie, shot some pool, bought a book, bought a shirt, drank a bucket of coffee, read the book, and then it occurred to me: "Hey! I have a home!"
Charlie: I was. I went to a movie, shot some pool, bought a book, bought a shirt, drank a bucket of coffee, read the book, and then it occurred to me: "Hey! I have a home!"
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Jamie kisses Charlie after kissing Alan, with Charlie in the backseat and Alan in the front]
Charlie: To the batcave, Alfred
Alan: Go to hell.
Charlie: To the batcave, Alfred
Alan: Go to hell.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: OK, I'm getting mixed signals here.
Jamie: This is the signal, Charlie: You can't have this. Not now, not ever. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
Charlie: You know, I didn't make up the "Eckelberry Hound" thing.
Alan: But he did spread it around. I-- I was always your friend.
Jamie: Oh, please. I spent years throwing myself at you, "friend", playing stupid nerd games on my bed with my shirt open, "buddy", hoping and praying that you would kiss me or touch me or at least notice me as a woman, "PAL"!
Alan: You knew your shirt was open?
Jamie: WHO DO YOU THINK OPENED IT?!
Jamie: This is the signal, Charlie: You can't have this. Not now, not ever. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!
Charlie: You know, I didn't make up the "Eckelberry Hound" thing.
Alan: But he did spread it around. I-- I was always your friend.
Jamie: Oh, please. I spent years throwing myself at you, "friend", playing stupid nerd games on my bed with my shirt open, "buddy", hoping and praying that you would kiss me or touch me or at least notice me as a woman, "PAL"!
Alan: You knew your shirt was open?
Jamie: WHO DO YOU THINK OPENED IT?!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Well, that's the difference between 'wife' and 'ex-wife'. With 'ex-wife', you don't even have to pretend to care.
Alan: I'm sorry, but I can't be that callous.
Charlie: Have you even tried?
Alan: I'm sorry, but I can't be that callous.
Charlie: Have you even tried?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: It's just for a couple of days.
Charlie: Oh, a couple of days. Jack the Ripper only killed a couple of prostitutes, but it was still wrong!
Alan: What do you want me to do, put her in a hotel?
Charlie: Yeah, put her in a hotel! Put her in a space capsule! Put her in a catapult and see how far she flies!
Alan: Charlie, I can't do that to her.
Charlie: Again, have you even tried?
Charlie: Oh, a couple of days. Jack the Ripper only killed a couple of prostitutes, but it was still wrong!
Alan: What do you want me to do, put her in a hotel?
Charlie: Yeah, put her in a hotel! Put her in a space capsule! Put her in a catapult and see how far she flies!
Alan: Charlie, I can't do that to her.
Charlie: Again, have you even tried?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Judith is holding salad tongs]
Charlie: Ah, better use the wooden ones.
Judith: What's wrong with these?
Charlie: I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.
Judith: Is this a regular occurrence?
Charlie: You'd think I'd learn.
Judith: And you keep them in the kitchen?
Charlie: I used to hang them on a little hook in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out.
Charlie: Ah, better use the wooden ones.
Judith: What's wrong with these?
Charlie: I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.
Judith: Is this a regular occurrence?
Charlie: You'd think I'd learn.
Judith: And you keep them in the kitchen?
Charlie: I used to hang them on a little hook in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: This is really weird.
Alan: Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
Jake: I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Charlie: Nice shooting. Two with one bullet.
Alan: Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
Jake: I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Charlie: Nice shooting. Two with one bullet.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Judith: I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.
Charlie: Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight.
Charlie: Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Well, what if you were dating?
Alan: But I'm not.
Charlie: But what if it looked like you were dating?
Alan: Oh, oh, you mean-- no, no way. I-- I'm not gonna let you fix me up with one of your bimbo girlfriends.
Charlie: OK, forget it.
Alan: She'd have to be really pretty, like a... like a ten. And young, like a twenty.
Charlie: Anything else?
Alan: Uh, and smart. Uh, and a sense of humor's important. Uh, well-read, uh, good with kids, uh, non-smoking, of course... ooh, and, uh, easy on the piercings. Nothing south of the equator.
Charlie: You're mighty picky for a guy with an adult newsstand in his sock drawer.
Alan: But I'm not.
Charlie: But what if it looked like you were dating?
Alan: Oh, oh, you mean-- no, no way. I-- I'm not gonna let you fix me up with one of your bimbo girlfriends.
Charlie: OK, forget it.
Alan: She'd have to be really pretty, like a... like a ten. And young, like a twenty.
Charlie: Anything else?
Alan: Uh, and smart. Uh, and a sense of humor's important. Uh, well-read, uh, good with kids, uh, non-smoking, of course... ooh, and, uh, easy on the piercings. Nothing south of the equator.
Charlie: You're mighty picky for a guy with an adult newsstand in his sock drawer.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan is helping Jake study for his history test. Charlie is drunk.]
Alan: Lewis and Clark explored what?
Charlie: [buzzes in]Louisiana Purchase.
Alan: Right.
Jake: I knew that.
Alan: Yeah, but, uh, Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
Charlie: And I'm still buzzed.
Jake: OK, give me another question.
Alan: All right. Um, "Seward's Folly" is another name for...? [Jake and Charlie buzz in at the same time] Jake?
Jake: Alaska.
Alan: Ah, very good!
Charlie: Ugh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.
Alan: Lewis and Clark explored what?
Charlie: [buzzes in]Louisiana Purchase.
Alan: Right.
Jake: I knew that.
Alan: Yeah, but, uh, Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
Charlie: And I'm still buzzed.
Jake: OK, give me another question.
Alan: All right. Um, "Seward's Folly" is another name for...? [Jake and Charlie buzz in at the same time] Jake?
Jake: Alaska.
Alan: Ah, very good!
Charlie: Ugh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie[looking at Jake's test]: Wow, Texas used to be a separate country. Why'd we change that?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: [About his history test and how he got an A] Wendy Cho got an A+.
Evelyn: You see Alan, Wendy Cho got an A+.
Alan: Wendy Cho is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! You can't compare Jake to her!
Evelyn: Well, who should we compare him to? The paste eaters and unibrows?
Evelyn: You see Alan, Wendy Cho got an A+.
Alan: Wendy Cho is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! You can't compare Jake to her!
Evelyn: Well, who should we compare him to? The paste eaters and unibrows?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.
Charlie: What do you want? He's eleven.
Berta: That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the road.
Charlie: What do you want? He's eleven.
Berta: That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the road.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie is teaching Jake how to play blackjack]
Jake: What's the signal if you have to go to the bathroom?
Charlie: There is no signal; you just get up and go to the bathroom. Unless you're on a hot streak, in which case you sit tight and wet yourself.
Jake: You're kidding, right?
Charlie: Hey, you're wearing a $50 pair of slacks and you got $600 on the table? Do the math.
Jake: I have to do math and pee my pants?
Jake: What's the signal if you have to go to the bathroom?
Charlie: There is no signal; you just get up and go to the bathroom. Unless you're on a hot streak, in which case you sit tight and wet yourself.
Jake: You're kidding, right?
Charlie: Hey, you're wearing a $50 pair of slacks and you got $600 on the table? Do the math.
Jake: I have to do math and pee my pants?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: What's taking you so long?
Jake: I can't find my other shoe!
Alan: So then put on a different pair.
Jake: But this one's on already!
Jake: I can't find my other shoe!
Alan: So then put on a different pair.
Jake: But this one's on already!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: Who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a getaway car?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You need to get Jake dressed, make him his lunch, and get him to school by eight, OK?
Charlie: OK.
Alan: You're not moving.
Charlie: Yes, I am. I'm flipping you off under the covers.
Alan: GET UP!
Charlie: OK.
Alan: You're not moving.
Charlie: Yes, I am. I'm flipping you off under the covers.
Alan: GET UP!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: I forgot to comb my hair.
Charlie: No-no-no-no-no, I'll do it. [licks his fingers and brushes Jake's hair with them]
Jake: That's spit!
Charlie: One man's saliva is another man's mousse. Now shut up.
Charlie: No-no-no-no-no, I'll do it. [licks his fingers and brushes Jake's hair with them]
Jake: That's spit!
Charlie: One man's saliva is another man's mousse. Now shut up.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Jake, it takes more than sex to make a man happy... You also need money.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Isabella: Did you really think that you could just end this?
Charlie: I was kinda hoping.
Isabella: Dont you realize that our souls are now bound together destined to writhe ecstatically in blessed hellfire for all eternity?
Charlie: [to Alan] Boy, I know how to pick 'em, don't I?
Charlie: I was kinda hoping.
Isabella: Dont you realize that our souls are now bound together destined to writhe ecstatically in blessed hellfire for all eternity?
Charlie: [to Alan] Boy, I know how to pick 'em, don't I?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Simply out of curiosity: What exactly is this curse? What should I be on the lookout for?
Isabella: Your crops will wither in the field.
Charlie: Yeah, okay.
Isabella: Your cattle will sicken and die.
Charlie: [not impressed] Aha.
Isabella: Your manhood will shrivel and become a useless husk.
Charlie: I gotta fold here, Alan. Okay, you got me. What do you say we call the girls over and start spawning baby Gilgamesh?!
Isabella: Your crops will wither in the field.
Charlie: Yeah, okay.
Isabella: Your cattle will sicken and die.
Charlie: [not impressed] Aha.
Isabella: Your manhood will shrivel and become a useless husk.
Charlie: I gotta fold here, Alan. Okay, you got me. What do you say we call the girls over and start spawning baby Gilgamesh?!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Rose: OK, now it's time for party games.
Charlie: I've got one. [grabs a bottle of liquor] It's called "Drink Until This Night Makes Some Sort of Sense".
Charlie: I've got one. [grabs a bottle of liquor] It's called "Drink Until This Night Makes Some Sort of Sense".
TV Show: Two and a Half Men