Two and a Half Men Quotes
Alan: You know why I was being audited? Not because I have unsubstantiated deductions, which I have. Not because I take the occasional cash payment from a client and forget to report it, which I do. It was because no one at the IRS could believe I was paying as much alimony as I claimed! It took me three hours to convince them that, yes, I am that big a schmuck!
Charlie: Oh, boo-hoo. You want a real fun time? Try finding an extra-small Ben Franklin costume at 9: 00 in the morning.
Alan: Oh, right! The play, uh, how was it?
Charlie: Boffo. A smash. Among the highlights were a twelve-year-old Chinese George Washington with a powdered wig and a snot bubble, and your kid in a bald cap and granny glasses holding a Tweety Bird kite and announcing he's discovered "elasticity".
Charlie: Oh, boo-hoo. You want a real fun time? Try finding an extra-small Ben Franklin costume at 9: 00 in the morning.
Alan: Oh, right! The play, uh, how was it?
Charlie: Boffo. A smash. Among the highlights were a twelve-year-old Chinese George Washington with a powdered wig and a snot bubble, and your kid in a bald cap and granny glasses holding a Tweety Bird kite and announcing he's discovered "elasticity".
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie is on all fours on his bed]
Charlie: Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something!
Alan: Really? You want my help? Even after you referred to my profession as, oh what was it... "urban voodoo"?
Charlie: Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something!
Alan: Really? You want my help? Even after you referred to my profession as, oh what was it... "urban voodoo"?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Charlie is on the floor in intense pain]
Charlie: I need someone who can give me drugs!
Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a couple of calls.
Alan: Drugs just mask the problem.
Charlie: Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it and let it fight crime!
Charlie: I need someone who can give me drugs!
Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a couple of calls.
Alan: Drugs just mask the problem.
Charlie: Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it and let it fight crime!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta[to Jake]: After a day scrubbing toilets, I'm betting you'll be able to pee through a Cheerio at ten paces.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta[hands Jake a mop and bucket]: Take these and get started on the kitchen floor.
Jake: Why? I didn't pee in here! OK, once, but it was in the sink.
Berta: The sink? How'd you manage that?
Jake: It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back, and figure the angle.
Jake: Why? I didn't pee in here! OK, once, but it was in the sink.
Berta: The sink? How'd you manage that?
Jake: It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back, and figure the angle.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: If two thousand years of-- of human history has taught us anything, it is that there's karmic justice in the world, and that when people live the way you do, bad things have to happen to them to even things out.
Charlie: Well, I don't agree.
Alan: It's not up for debate! It's a... law, like gravity!
Charlie: Oh, I agree with gravity.
Alan: Oh, good. We wouldn't want you flying off the planet with nothing to hump but satellites.
Charlie: Well, I don't agree.
Alan: It's not up for debate! It's a... law, like gravity!
Charlie: Oh, I agree with gravity.
Alan: Oh, good. We wouldn't want you flying off the planet with nothing to hump but satellites.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: So you think I have a shot with that doctor or what?
Alan: It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar.
Alan: It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: Dad?
Alan: Yeah?
Jake: Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]
Charlie: Well, Alan, do you?
Alan: Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?
Jake: Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?
Alan: Right.
Jake: And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you.
Alan: Yeah?
Jake: Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]
Charlie: Well, Alan, do you?
Alan: Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?
Jake: Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?
Alan: Right.
Jake: And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Did you ever try any of those [erectile dysfunction] drugs?
Charlie: Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity.
Alan: What did you think?
Charlie: It's not my thing. It's like corking the bat. You?
Alan: Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted -- more sex with me that lasted longer.
Charlie: Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity.
Alan: What did you think?
Charlie: It's not my thing. It's like corking the bat. You?
Alan: Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted -- more sex with me that lasted longer.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: And if we're gonna be a couple, I want to be the husband.
Charlie: Who's gonna believe you're the husband?
Alan: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband.
Charlie: You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?
Charlie: Who's gonna believe you're the husband?
Alan: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband.
Charlie: You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[after Alan and Charlie left for the party]
Rose: What is that about?
Jake: I don't know, but one of them suffers from erectile dysfunction.
Rose: What is that about?
Jake: I don't know, but one of them suffers from erectile dysfunction.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: Charles, didn't I ask you to confine your debauchery to outlet stores?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: So, how you getting to the restaurant?
Alan: Sherri's picking me up.
Charlie: Ah! Very convenient.
Alan: Why? Because she's been here before? Because she's been here with you? Because you've had sex with her in every room in the house?
Charlie: No, because you can't drive. But it's interesting to see how your mind works.
Alan: Sherri's picking me up.
Charlie: Ah! Very convenient.
Alan: Why? Because she's been here before? Because she's been here with you? Because you've had sex with her in every room in the house?
Charlie: No, because you can't drive. But it's interesting to see how your mind works.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Sherri: My point is, I'm tired of those shallow relationships I was having with guys like Charlie. I want to be with a man who can be sensitive and caring, nurturing, you know, someone who can make me laugh, make me think.
Alan: You do realize I'm straight, right?
Sherri: [giggling] You really are adorable.
Alan: Thank you. I, uh-- I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women.
Sherri: Really?
Alan: Ironically, not my mother.
Alan: You do realize I'm straight, right?
Sherri: [giggling] You really are adorable.
Alan: Thank you. I, uh-- I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women.
Sherri: Really?
Alan: Ironically, not my mother.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: She [Sherri] invited me to her house for dinner tonight. I think she wants to have sex.
Charlie: With who?
Alan: With me.
Charlie: With you. Hang on a second. [looks at the newspaper] Nope, no snowballs reported in Hell... no sightings of flying pigs...
Charlie: With who?
Alan: With me.
Charlie: With you. Hang on a second. [looks at the newspaper] Nope, no snowballs reported in Hell... no sightings of flying pigs...
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: When you're making love, the way to slow yourself down is to think of something completely non-sexual.
Alan: What do you think of?
Charlie: You.
Alan: What do you think of?
Charlie: You.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.
Alan: We don't know that.
Alan: We don't know that.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: [Having an argument with Charlie] No no, Charlie, you see, to know what goes on inside my head, you would have to be familiar with the world that exists, beyond the tip of your penis.
Charlie: Don't talk about my penis, you have not earned the right.
Charlie: Don't talk about my penis, you have not earned the right.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake[to Alan and Charlie]: You know, if you guys were queer, we'd be what they call an "alter-native" family.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whorehouse.
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you've been screwed... and you don't want to pay for it!
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised that you've been screwed... and you don't want to pay for it!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: Rose, please, don't try to psychoanalyze me.
Rose: Oh, Charlie, psychoanalysis takes years. I'm just messing around inside your head.
Rose: Oh, Charlie, psychoanalysis takes years. I'm just messing around inside your head.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Who would've thought Rose knew what she was talking about?
Charlie: Certainly not Rose.
Charlie: Certainly not Rose.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: And Grandma doesn't just feed on the souls of the dead, Jake. She also profits from the pain of divorce and the humiliation of bankruptcy.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: Where are you going?
Evelyn: Neiman's. I'm going to need something black.
Charlie: Doesn't your soul qualify?
Evelyn: Laugh now, but when I die, I will be coming back to haunt you. [leaves]
Charlie: How will that be any different than this?
Evelyn: Neiman's. I'm going to need something black.
Charlie: Doesn't your soul qualify?
Evelyn: Laugh now, but when I die, I will be coming back to haunt you. [leaves]
Charlie: How will that be any different than this?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You're hitting on the widow!
Charlie: No, I'm consoling the widow. I won't start hittin' on her 'til they close the lid.
Alan: Unbelievable. How do you sleep at night?!
Charlie: Usually drunk and on top of somebody. But that takes work, Alan; it doesn't just happen by itself.
Alan: Hey, well, here's an idea: Why don't you run downstairs to the embalming room and see if you can score a couple of fresh ones off the truck?
Charlie: Excuse me, but considering your ex-wife, I'd say you're the expert on having sex with cold women who don't move!
Charlie: No, I'm consoling the widow. I won't start hittin' on her 'til they close the lid.
Alan: Unbelievable. How do you sleep at night?!
Charlie: Usually drunk and on top of somebody. But that takes work, Alan; it doesn't just happen by itself.
Alan: Hey, well, here's an idea: Why don't you run downstairs to the embalming room and see if you can score a couple of fresh ones off the truck?
Charlie: Excuse me, but considering your ex-wife, I'd say you're the expert on having sex with cold women who don't move!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[after Evelyn tries to convince Harry's most recent wife to sell her six-bedroom house]
Alan: That woman just lost her husband!
Evelyn: Alan, the man was fifty years old when she was born!
Alan: So?
Evelyn: So she had to see it coming!
Charlie: Wow. Even for you, that is really cold.
Alan: Oh, Mr. Graveside Nookie weighs in. Five minutes ago you were trying to give the widow a sympathetic crotch to cry on.
Alan: That woman just lost her husband!
Evelyn: Alan, the man was fifty years old when she was born!
Alan: So?
Evelyn: So she had to see it coming!
Charlie: Wow. Even for you, that is really cold.
Alan: Oh, Mr. Graveside Nookie weighs in. Five minutes ago you were trying to give the widow a sympathetic crotch to cry on.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan and Jake are looking at Harry's dead body during the funeral]
Jake: How did he die?
Alan: He just got old. His heart stopped.
Jake: Oh. His watch is still going.
Alan: Yep.
Jake: Why would he need a watch anyway? It's not like he's gonna be late for anything.
Jake: How did he die?
Alan: He just got old. His heart stopped.
Jake: Oh. His watch is still going.
Alan: Yep.
Jake: Why would he need a watch anyway? It's not like he's gonna be late for anything.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn[during the funeral]: I loved this man with all my heart and you left me, you lousy bastard! Well, take a good look! I've still got a great ass and yours is decomposing as we speak!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Evelyn: And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."
Charlie: That's good. Open with a joke.
Charlie: That's good. Open with a joke.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Alan just bought a new Porsche, which Charlie is unimpressed with]
Alan: It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.
Charlie: Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.
Alan: Monkeys can't drive a stick.
Alan: It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.
Charlie: Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.
Alan: Monkeys can't drive a stick.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men