The West Wing Quotes
Reporter: Was he physically and emotionally prepared to make a life and death decision after what he'd just been through?
C.J.: He'd been through a TV interview and a press conference. The President finds you all annoying but not prohibitively debilitating.
C.J.: He'd been through a TV interview and a press conference. The President finds you all annoying but not prohibitively debilitating.
TV Show: The West Wing
Charlie: Aren't you supposed to be writing?
Toby: I am writing.
Charlie: I don't see paper.
Toby: 'We can sit back and admit with great sensitivity that life isn't fair... and the less-advantaged are destined to their lot in life... and the problems of those on the other side of the world should stay there... and our leaders are cynical and can never be an instrument of change... but that, my friends, is not worthy of you; it's not worthy of a President; it's not worthy of a great nation; it's not worthy of America.' Paper's for wimps.
Toby: I am writing.
Charlie: I don't see paper.
Toby: 'We can sit back and admit with great sensitivity that life isn't fair... and the less-advantaged are destined to their lot in life... and the problems of those on the other side of the world should stay there... and our leaders are cynical and can never be an instrument of change... but that, my friends, is not worthy of you; it's not worthy of a President; it's not worthy of a great nation; it's not worthy of America.' Paper's for wimps.
TV Show: The West Wing
Charlie: [advised to get a lawyer] How much?
Babish: Assuming you saw nothing wrong, heard nothing wrong and did nothing wrong... about $100,000.
Babish: Assuming you saw nothing wrong, heard nothing wrong and did nothing wrong... about $100,000.
TV Show: The West Wing
Toby: It's a typical marriage, I've been there.
Charlie: Well, I haven't, but he's the President of the United States, so my guess is no, it's probably not a typical marriage.
Charlie: Well, I haven't, but he's the President of the United States, so my guess is no, it's probably not a typical marriage.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: It occurs to me, I never said I'm sorry. I am. For the lawyers, for the press, for the mess, for the fear. Bruno, Doug, Connie -- these guys are good. They want to win. So do we. The only thing we want more is to be right. I wonder if you can't do both. There's a new book... and we're going to write it.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bruno: I've been thinking it might not be such a bad idea to lock you all in here and set the place on fire. We have 48 hours before we kick off this campaign. We will work hard, we will work well, and we will work together. Or so help me, mother of God, I will stick a pitchfork so far up your asses you will quite simply be dead.
TV Show: The West Wing
Connie: I was trying to find a Starbucks. A guy in a gas station said, "Round here, people don't pay four bucks for a cup of coffee."
Sam: New Hampshire. Live free or cheap.
Sam: New Hampshire. Live free or cheap.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: [to C.J. about his original election] I was never supposed to win. Then you guys came along and all of a sudden...
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: Did you know that hardly any of the guys who landed on the moon are married to the same people they were married to before they went there?
Abbey: What?
Bartlet: I'm just saying, it could have been worse: I could have been an astronaut.
Abbey: You could not have been an astronaut.
Bartlet: I would have been a great astronaut.
Abbey: You're afraid of heights, speed, fire, and small enclosed spaces.
Bartlet: I'd have overcome it to go to the moon.
Abbey: I know you would have. [pause] There's something important I have to say. I haven't really made up my mind yet, but at the moment, I'm leaning towards voting for you.
Abbey: What?
Bartlet: I'm just saying, it could have been worse: I could have been an astronaut.
Abbey: You could not have been an astronaut.
Bartlet: I would have been a great astronaut.
Abbey: You're afraid of heights, speed, fire, and small enclosed spaces.
Bartlet: I'd have overcome it to go to the moon.
Abbey: I know you would have. [pause] There's something important I have to say. I haven't really made up my mind yet, but at the moment, I'm leaning towards voting for you.
TV Show: The West Wing
Donna: I grew up on a farm.
Josh: You grew up in a condo.
Donna: I grew up near a farm. And I was cute and I was peppy. And I always did well on my 19th Century English Literature midterm until you came along and sucked me into your life of crime!
Josh: Hey, I'm not the-
Donna: White collar crime boy! You know what they do to a girl like me on the cell block? I've seen those movies.
Josh: Yeah, me too.
Donna: I bet you have.
Josh: Look-
Donna: Sell my farm girl ass for a carton of Luckys.
Josh: You grew up in a condo.
Donna: I grew up near a farm. And I was cute and I was peppy. And I always did well on my 19th Century English Literature midterm until you came along and sucked me into your life of crime!
Josh: Hey, I'm not the-
Donna: White collar crime boy! You know what they do to a girl like me on the cell block? I've seen those movies.
Josh: Yeah, me too.
Donna: I bet you have.
Josh: Look-
Donna: Sell my farm girl ass for a carton of Luckys.
TV Show: The West Wing
Babish: A subpoena is just a legal agreement to produce certain testimony and documents.
C.J.: Yeah, but isn't that like the way a mugger uses a gun to produce your wallet?
C.J.: Yeah, but isn't that like the way a mugger uses a gun to produce your wallet?
TV Show: The West Wing
Ainsley: What do you need?
C.J.: I want you to get together with one of your friends in the press room from a conservative paper.
Ainsley: You really think we have a secret handshake, don't you?
C.J.: Do you?
Ainsley: Yes.
C.J.: I want you to get together with one of your friends in the press room from a conservative paper.
Ainsley: You really think we have a secret handshake, don't you?
C.J.: Do you?
Ainsley: Yes.
TV Show: The West Wing
Donna: Why are you a Republican?
Cliff: Because I hate poor people. I hate them, Donna. They're all so poor, and many of 'em talk funny, and don't have proper table manners... my father slaved away at the Fortune 500 company he inherited so that I could go to Choate, Brown and Harvard and see that this country isn't overrun by poor people and lesbians. No... I'm Republican because I believe in smaller government. This country was founded on the principle of freedom, and freedom stands opposed to constraints, and the bigger the government, the more the constraints.
Cliff: Because I hate poor people. I hate them, Donna. They're all so poor, and many of 'em talk funny, and don't have proper table manners... my father slaved away at the Fortune 500 company he inherited so that I could go to Choate, Brown and Harvard and see that this country isn't overrun by poor people and lesbians. No... I'm Republican because I believe in smaller government. This country was founded on the principle of freedom, and freedom stands opposed to constraints, and the bigger the government, the more the constraints.
TV Show: The West Wing
Leo: What have you got?
C.J.: Nothing. And you know why?
Leo: Rollins likes us.
C.J.: I don't know if he likes us, but he doesn't hate us.
Leo: Well, that's just because he doesn't know us.
C.J.: Leo, we need to be investigated by someone who wants to kill us just to watch us die. We need someone perceived by the American people to be irresponsible, untrustworthy, partisan, ambitious, and thirsty for the limelight. Am I crazy, or is this not a job for the U.S. House of Representatives?
C.J.: Nothing. And you know why?
Leo: Rollins likes us.
C.J.: I don't know if he likes us, but he doesn't hate us.
Leo: Well, that's just because he doesn't know us.
C.J.: Leo, we need to be investigated by someone who wants to kill us just to watch us die. We need someone perceived by the American people to be irresponsible, untrustworthy, partisan, ambitious, and thirsty for the limelight. Am I crazy, or is this not a job for the U.S. House of Representatives?
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: You know what we're starting with tonight?
Josh: No, sir.
Bartlet: Hot pumpkin soup with cheese gnocchi and a chèvre brioche.
Josh: Was anything you just said food?
Josh: No, sir.
Bartlet: Hot pumpkin soup with cheese gnocchi and a chèvre brioche.
Josh: Was anything you just said food?
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: They're going to miss hot pumpkin soup with a cheese gnocchi and a chèvre brioche.
Leo: Yeah.
Bartlet: That's a pretty big price to pay just to override my veto.
Leo: Yeah.
Bartlet: That's a pretty big price to pay just to override my veto.
TV Show: The West Wing
Toby: They don't have the votes to override.
Sam: Says you.
Toby: Says me, Josh, the Office of Political Liaison, Legislative Liaison and the Minority Whip.
Bartlet: Sometimes it's like I don't even need to be here.
Sam: Says you.
Toby: Says me, Josh, the Office of Political Liaison, Legislative Liaison and the Minority Whip.
Bartlet: Sometimes it's like I don't even need to be here.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: He can have a member try to attach an amendment to the override vote.
Donna: What kind of amendment?
Josh: Doesn't matter. "To qualify for the estate tax repeal, the estates have to have Astroturf™."
Donna: And still it's hard to figure why Congress can't get anything done.
Donna: What kind of amendment?
Josh: Doesn't matter. "To qualify for the estate tax repeal, the estates have to have Astroturf™."
Donna: And still it's hard to figure why Congress can't get anything done.
TV Show: The West Wing
C.J.: I changed my clothes because I didn't think it was appropriate to talk about two dead teenagers while wearing a ball gown and you know that because you're stupid but you're not that stupid, you know what I'm saying? Security's gonna take your press credentials, you'll call my office everyday, and I'll decide if you get into the room. I'm taking your spot on Pebble Beach, you can do your stand-ups from Lafeyette Park.
Sherri: Who the hell do you-
C.J.: One more word out of your mouth and every local station but yours gets an exclusive with the President. Hunting season on me is over. [Sherri exits] And the chemical formula for table salt is NaCl!
Sherri: Who the hell do you-
C.J.: One more word out of your mouth and every local station but yours gets an exclusive with the President. Hunting season on me is over. [Sherri exits] And the chemical formula for table salt is NaCl!
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: Words when spoken out loud for the sake of performance are music. They have rhythm and pitch and timbre and volume. These are the properties of music and music has the ability to find us and move us and lift us up in ways that literal meaning can't.
Abbey: You are an oratorical snob.
Bartlet: Yes, and God loves me for it.
Abbey: You said he was sending you to hell.
Bartlet: For other stuff, not for this.
Abbey: You are an oratorical snob.
Bartlet: Yes, and God loves me for it.
Abbey: You said he was sending you to hell.
Bartlet: For other stuff, not for this.
TV Show: The West Wing
Gen. Adamle: Sultan Bin Abu Azir ain't what he used to be. Last time I was in Kuwait he gave me a gold-inlaid Gadara sword originating from the Bin Hamar tribe.
Leo: What'd you get this time?
Gen. Adamle: Nothing.
Leo: Wanna go down to the Situation Room, blow 'em off the face of the earth?
Gen. Adamle: Yeah.
Leo: What'd you get this time?
Gen. Adamle: Nothing.
Leo: Wanna go down to the Situation Room, blow 'em off the face of the earth?
Gen. Adamle: Yeah.
TV Show: The West Wing
C.J.: Somebody said you were hanging out with some tribe, and they made you a king.
Will Sawyer: I'm a god.
C.J.: Oh.
Will: I'm the only white man to ever witness the sacrificial rites of the Bau tribe of Fiji. I was almost a victim myself, until they made me The Supporter of the World.
C.J.: How'd you swing that?
Will: Using my Palm Pilot, I convinced the Bau I had the power to make the gods' writing appear at will, and more significantly, predict the next day's weather.
C.J.: So you're a god?
Will: I'm the god of Good Harvest and the Land of the Dead.
C.J.: I gotta go there and bring my laptop. It quacks when I have e-mail.
Will: No, you're too tall.
C.J.: What would happen?
Will: They would paint your face and other body parts black so as to resemble a warrior ornamented for feast or combat. Then you would be garroted by a length of boar tripe.
Will Sawyer: I'm a god.
C.J.: Oh.
Will: I'm the only white man to ever witness the sacrificial rites of the Bau tribe of Fiji. I was almost a victim myself, until they made me The Supporter of the World.
C.J.: How'd you swing that?
Will: Using my Palm Pilot, I convinced the Bau I had the power to make the gods' writing appear at will, and more significantly, predict the next day's weather.
C.J.: So you're a god?
Will: I'm the god of Good Harvest and the Land of the Dead.
C.J.: I gotta go there and bring my laptop. It quacks when I have e-mail.
Will: No, you're too tall.
C.J.: What would happen?
Will: They would paint your face and other body parts black so as to resemble a warrior ornamented for feast or combat. Then you would be garroted by a length of boar tripe.
TV Show: The West Wing
Sam: This country is populated with unbalanced people, many of whom find their way to Washington, as if the continent funnels them into this one spot.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: [on the Vice President's refusal to endorse gun control in his home state] You're a hero in Texas!
Hoynes: I was a hero in Texas.
Bartlet: Texans don't like that you have the courage of your convictions?
Hoynes: They're not my convictions, they're yours.
Bartlet: Oh, yeah, I forgot.
Hoynes: I was a hero in Texas.
Bartlet: Texans don't like that you have the courage of your convictions?
Hoynes: They're not my convictions, they're yours.
Bartlet: Oh, yeah, I forgot.
TV Show: The West Wing
Leo: We've got to meet with Albie.
Bartlet He's going to scold me. He's been at the State Department since Truman. He thinks I'm a kid and that he outranks me.
Leo: You'll be fine.
Bartlet: I've got to tell him I lost a submarine. Can I make something up like say 'what if a friend of mine hypothetically...'
Bartlet He's going to scold me. He's been at the State Department since Truman. He thinks I'm a kid and that he outranks me.
Leo: You'll be fine.
Bartlet: I've got to tell him I lost a submarine. Can I make something up like say 'what if a friend of mine hypothetically...'
TV Show: The West Wing
Abbey: I was hiking, Oliver. I was hiking. Are you really that much an enemy of nature?
Babish: Nature is to be protected from. Nature, like a woman, will seduce you with its sights…and its scents and its touch…and then it breaks your ankle, also like a woman.
Abbey: What the hell kind of dates are you going on, Oliver?
Babish: I hear ya.
Babish: Nature is to be protected from. Nature, like a woman, will seduce you with its sights…and its scents and its touch…and then it breaks your ankle, also like a woman.
Abbey: What the hell kind of dates are you going on, Oliver?
Babish: I hear ya.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: [quoting] We have the greatest technology of any people, of any country in the world, along with the greatest - not the greatest but very serious problems confronting our people. And I want to be President in order to focus on these problems in a way that uses the energy of our people to move us forward, basically.
C.J.: Yes!
Josh: It's the 'basically' that makes it art.
C.J.: Yes!
Josh: It's the 'basically' that makes it art.
TV Show: The West Wing
Babish: You broke some laws, Abbey, and quite frankly you should be ashamed of yourself, but this investigation isn't about that.
Abbey: Look...
Babish: It's about the criminalization of politics. An attempt to do in the hearing room what they couldn't do at the ballot box.
Abbey: I understand, but we don't have the luxury...
Babish: Abbey, stop eating fruits, stop eating vegetables, it's doing something bad to you. Fruits and vegetables will seduce you, like a woman, with their...
Abbey: Oliver!
Babish: Truth isn't a luxury. You're going to go in there, you're going to swear an oath, you're going to get asked questions, and you're going to tell the truth. It's the way you stand up and say 'Stop!'
Abbey: You should be careful Oliver. You keep talking like a person, they're going to kick you out of the bar.
Babish: I've been kicked out of bars before.
Abbey: I meant...
Babish: I know what you meant.
Abbey: Look...
Babish: It's about the criminalization of politics. An attempt to do in the hearing room what they couldn't do at the ballot box.
Abbey: I understand, but we don't have the luxury...
Babish: Abbey, stop eating fruits, stop eating vegetables, it's doing something bad to you. Fruits and vegetables will seduce you, like a woman, with their...
Abbey: Oliver!
Babish: Truth isn't a luxury. You're going to go in there, you're going to swear an oath, you're going to get asked questions, and you're going to tell the truth. It's the way you stand up and say 'Stop!'
Abbey: You should be careful Oliver. You keep talking like a person, they're going to kick you out of the bar.
Babish: I've been kicked out of bars before.
Abbey: I meant...
Babish: I know what you meant.
TV Show: The West Wing
Sam: Why are you so bent on countering these idiot leaflets?
Bruno: Because I am tired of working for candidates who make me think I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam. I'm tired of getting them elected. You all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said liberal means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on communism, soft on defense, and we're going to tax ya back to the stone age, because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to. And instead of saying 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, leave it to beaver trip back to the fifties,' we cowered in the corner. And said 'Please Don't Hurt Me'. No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh, what do you say?
Bruno: Because I am tired of working for candidates who make me think I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam. I'm tired of getting them elected. You all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said liberal means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on communism, soft on defense, and we're going to tax ya back to the stone age, because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to. And instead of saying 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, leave it to beaver trip back to the fifties,' we cowered in the corner. And said 'Please Don't Hurt Me'. No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh, what do you say?
TV Show: The West Wing
Operator: Hello, welcome to the Butterball Hotline.
Toby: What the hell is...
Bartlet: Shhhh. Hello!!
Operator: How can I help you, sir?
Bartlet: Well, first let me say, I think this is a wonderful service you provide.
Operator: Well, thank you. May I have your name please?
Bartlet: I'm a citizen.
Operator: I'm sure you are, sir, but if I have your name I can put your comments in our customer feedback form.
Bartlet: I'm Joe Betherson...ton. That's one 't', and with an 'h' in there.
Operator: And your address?
Bartlet: Fargo.
Operator: Your street address, please?
Toby: [picks up another phone, into it] Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota, right now. [hangs up]
Bartlet: My street address is 114... 54 Pruder Street, and it's very important that you put 'street' down there because sometimes it gets confused with Pruder Way and Pruder Lane. Apartment 23 R... Fargo, North Dakota... [Charlie walks in with a piece of paper, Bartlet grabs it.] Zip code 50504.
Operator: Thank you. Your voice sounds very familiar to me.
Bartlet: I do radio commercials for... products.
Operator: And how can I help you?
Bartlet: [sits down] Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?
Operator: It can also be baked in a casserole dish.
Bartlet: Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we? [Toby sits down and puts his hand under his chin.]
Operator: I suppose.
Bartlet: If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker.
Operator: Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are Salmonella and Campylobacter jejuni.
Bar
Toby: What the hell is...
Bartlet: Shhhh. Hello!!
Operator: How can I help you, sir?
Bartlet: Well, first let me say, I think this is a wonderful service you provide.
Operator: Well, thank you. May I have your name please?
Bartlet: I'm a citizen.
Operator: I'm sure you are, sir, but if I have your name I can put your comments in our customer feedback form.
Bartlet: I'm Joe Betherson...ton. That's one 't', and with an 'h' in there.
Operator: And your address?
Bartlet: Fargo.
Operator: Your street address, please?
Toby: [picks up another phone, into it] Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota, right now. [hangs up]
Bartlet: My street address is 114... 54 Pruder Street, and it's very important that you put 'street' down there because sometimes it gets confused with Pruder Way and Pruder Lane. Apartment 23 R... Fargo, North Dakota... [Charlie walks in with a piece of paper, Bartlet grabs it.] Zip code 50504.
Operator: Thank you. Your voice sounds very familiar to me.
Bartlet: I do radio commercials for... products.
Operator: And how can I help you?
Bartlet: [sits down] Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?
Operator: It can also be baked in a casserole dish.
Bartlet: Well, then we'd have to call it something else, wouldn't we? [Toby sits down and puts his hand under his chin.]
Operator: I suppose.
Bartlet: If I cook it inside the turkey, is there a chance I could kill my guests? I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker.
Operator: Well, there are some concerns. Two main bacterial problems are Salmonella and Campylobacter jejuni.
Bar
TV Show: The West Wing