The West Wing Quotes
Bartlet: Were we talking about something?
CJ: I don't know sir, when I came in here - back in the late 50s - there was a purpose to it but then one thing led to another and I blacked out. I mean, I can hang in there with the best of them, sir but somewhere during the conversation about anise and coriander and the other fifteen spices you like to use to baste a turkey I simply lost consciousness.
Bartlet: You know that line you're not supposed to cross with the President?
CJ: I'm coming up to it?
Bartlet: No, no, look behind you.
CJ: I don't know sir, when I came in here - back in the late 50s - there was a purpose to it but then one thing led to another and I blacked out. I mean, I can hang in there with the best of them, sir but somewhere during the conversation about anise and coriander and the other fifteen spices you like to use to baste a turkey I simply lost consciousness.
Bartlet: You know that line you're not supposed to cross with the President?
CJ: I'm coming up to it?
Bartlet: No, no, look behind you.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bruno: [to Bartlet] I have difficulty sometimes talking to people who don't race sailboats. When I was a teenager, I crewed Larchmont to Nassau on a 58-foot sloop called Cantice. There was a little piece of kelp that was stuck to the hull, and even though it was little, you don't want anything stuck to the hull. So, I take a boat hook on a pole and I stick it in the water and I try to get the kelp off, when seven guys start screaming at me, right? 'Cause now the pole is causing more drag than the kelp was. See, what you gotta do is you gotta drop it in and let the water lift it out in a windmill motion. Drop it in, and let the water take it by the kelp and lift it out. In, and out. In, and out, till you got it. The voters aren't choosing a plumber, Mr. President. They are choosing a president. And if you don't think that your family should matter, my suggestion to you is to get out of professional politics. And if you think that I'm going to miss even one opportunity to pick up half-a-knot boat speed, you're absolutely out of your mind. When it costs us nothing, when we give up nothing?! You're out of your mind.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: Did you get me a flight?
Donna: Yes.
Josh: Excellent! One that gets me there in time for dinner?
Donna: Yes.
Josh: And I don't have to change planes in Atlanta?
Donna: No, even better, you do have to change planes in Atlanta.
Josh: I told you-
Donna: You have to change planes in Atlanta! Deal with it!
Donna: Yes.
Josh: Excellent! One that gets me there in time for dinner?
Donna: Yes.
Josh: And I don't have to change planes in Atlanta?
Donna: No, even better, you do have to change planes in Atlanta.
Josh: I told you-
Donna: You have to change planes in Atlanta! Deal with it!
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: With the ingredients for stuffing you have to cook them before you put them in the turkey, and you're not going to know whether I did or not.
Abbey: I'll do what I always do with anything you cook. I'll wait for the girls to eat it first.
Bartlet: Me, too.
Abbey: I'll do what I always do with anything you cook. I'll wait for the girls to eat it first.
Bartlet: Me, too.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: Did the Celtics win last night?
Charlie: No, they got crushed.
Bartlet: 'Kay, when I say 'Did they win?' you can just say yes or no.
Charlie: They got pretty well crushed.
Charlie: No, they got crushed.
Bartlet: 'Kay, when I say 'Did they win?' you can just say yes or no.
Charlie: They got pretty well crushed.
TV Show: The West Wing
C.J: You know, if I was living in Qumar, I wouldn't be allowed to say 'Shove it up your ass, Toby,' but since I'm not: Shove it up your ass, Toby!
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: I just came from seeing Amy Gardner.
C.J.: Yeah? How'd it go?
Josh: I showed her who's boss.
C.J.: Who'd it turn out to be?
Josh: It's still unclear.
C.J.: Yeah? How'd it go?
Josh: I showed her who's boss.
C.J.: Who'd it turn out to be?
Josh: It's still unclear.
TV Show: The West Wing
Leo: A national seat-belt law is never gonna happen.
Sam: Why?
Leo: What's the most important state in the primaries?
Sam: New Hampshire.
Leo: What's the most important state in the general?
Sam: Michigan.
Leo: What's the only state without a mandatory seat-belt law?
Sam: New Hampshire.
Leo: And where do they make the cars?
Sam: Fair enough.
Sam: Why?
Leo: What's the most important state in the primaries?
Sam: New Hampshire.
Leo: What's the most important state in the general?
Sam: Michigan.
Leo: What's the only state without a mandatory seat-belt law?
Sam: New Hampshire.
Leo: And where do they make the cars?
Sam: Fair enough.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: How am I not supposed to call you a hypocrite when you say that the government shouldn't tell women what to do with their bodies?
Amy: Exercise some self control, I guess. Prostitution is about the subjugation of women by men for profit.
Josh: But the profit goes to the women.
Amy: In some cases. But I know of no little girl, and neither do you, who says "I want to be a prostitute when I grow up."
Amy: Exercise some self control, I guess. Prostitution is about the subjugation of women by men for profit.
Josh: But the profit goes to the women.
Amy: In some cases. But I know of no little girl, and neither do you, who says "I want to be a prostitute when I grow up."
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: [on phone] Listen, I don't care that much about your ass but if you need to perjure yourself to protect me you're going to damn well do it.
Leo: Sir, this isn't a secure call, so I'm going to say to the 17 global intelligence agencies that are listening in that he was kidding just then.
Leo: Sir, this isn't a secure call, so I'm going to say to the 17 global intelligence agencies that are listening in that he was kidding just then.
TV Show: The West Wing
Mike: In thirteen years with the bureau I've discovered that there's no amount of money, man-power or knowledge that can equal the person you're looking for being stupid.
Bartlet: God, well, some of the stupidest criminals in the world are working right here in America. I've always been very proud of that.
Bartlet: God, well, some of the stupidest criminals in the world are working right here in America. I've always been very proud of that.
TV Show: The West Wing
Leo: The President was at the debate site, walking the stage. A podium is a holy place for him. He makes it his own like it's an extension of his body. You ever see a pitcher work the mound so the dirt does exactly what his feet want it to do? That's the President. He sees it as a genuine opportunity to change minds - also his best way of contributing to the team. He likes teams. I love him so much.
TV Show: The West Wing
Leo: I'm an alcoholic. I don't have one drink. [pauses] I don't understand people who have one drink. I don't understand people who leave half a glass of wine on the table. I don't understand people who say they've had enough. How can you have enough of feeling like this? How can you not want to feel like this longer? [pauses, sighs] My brain works differently.
...
Jordan: I don't understand how you could have a drink. I don't understand how, after everything you worked for, how on that day of all days you could be so stupid.
Leo: That's because you think it has something to do with smart and stupid. Do you have any idea how many alcoholics are in Mensa? You think it's a lack of willpower? That's like thinking somebody with anorexia nervosa has an overdeveloped sense of vanity. My father was an alcoholic. His father was an alcoholic. So, in my case...
Jordan: [nods] Ain't nothin' but a family thing.
...
Jordan: I don't understand how you could have a drink. I don't understand how, after everything you worked for, how on that day of all days you could be so stupid.
Leo: That's because you think it has something to do with smart and stupid. Do you have any idea how many alcoholics are in Mensa? You think it's a lack of willpower? That's like thinking somebody with anorexia nervosa has an overdeveloped sense of vanity. My father was an alcoholic. His father was an alcoholic. So, in my case...
Jordan: [nods] Ain't nothin' but a family thing.
TV Show: The West Wing
Cliff: This is bush league. This is why good people hate us. This, right here. This thing. This isn't what these hearings are about. He cannot possibly have been properly prepared by counsel for these questions, nor should he ever have to answer them publicly. And if you proceed with this line of questioning, I will resign this Committee, and wait in the tall grass for you, Congressman. Because you are killing the party.
TV Show: The West Wing
Leo: Okay. Well, I'll just call the President and suggest to him that he allow a huge bipartisan vote on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives calling him a liar and that he welcome the result. Then, I'm going to flap my wings and fly to Neverland.
Jordan: Leo...
Leo: You think I am so desperate to save my ass, I'm gonna roll over on Jed Bartlet?
Cliff: I don't think it's a matter of...
Leo: I take a bullet for the President. He doesn't take one for me.
Jordan: Leo...
Leo: You think I am so desperate to save my ass, I'm gonna roll over on Jed Bartlet?
Cliff: I don't think it's a matter of...
Leo: I take a bullet for the President. He doesn't take one for me.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: Well, I'm a straight shooter. I think my record's pretty clear on that.
Toby: Yeah.
Josh: [about Amy Gardner] I'd like to see her again.
Toby: Call her.
Josh: And ask her out?
Toby: Yeah.
Josh: No, no. 'Cause there's a potential she says no and then I have to move someplace where it'll never be spoken of again.
Toby: Yeah.
Josh: I need to come in under the cover of business.
Toby: 'Cause you're a straight shooter.
Josh: Yeah. I need a point of friction. An issue where the feministas and the White House disagree. That way, I can go to, her break the bad news, stand tough, smooth it over and then, you know, I take it from there.
Toby: How about the word "feministas"?
Toby: Yeah.
Josh: [about Amy Gardner] I'd like to see her again.
Toby: Call her.
Josh: And ask her out?
Toby: Yeah.
Josh: No, no. 'Cause there's a potential she says no and then I have to move someplace where it'll never be spoken of again.
Toby: Yeah.
Josh: I need to come in under the cover of business.
Toby: 'Cause you're a straight shooter.
Josh: Yeah. I need a point of friction. An issue where the feministas and the White House disagree. That way, I can go to, her break the bad news, stand tough, smooth it over and then, you know, I take it from there.
Toby: How about the word "feministas"?
TV Show: The West Wing
Larry: [Reading a book that an ex-reporter wrote about the White House] “Bartlet was playing a round of golf with Toby Ziegler, the prickly communications director, whose bitter inner darkness spelled the breakup of the one marriage we know about.”
C.J. : It was miniature golf, wasn’t it?
Toby: Yeah.
C.J. : It was miniature golf, wasn’t it?
Toby: Yeah.
TV Show: The West Wing
Tabatha Fortis: Nice office.
Toby: Exactly sixty-three feet from the Oval Office. If you don't think we measure, you're out of your mind.
Toby: Exactly sixty-three feet from the Oval Office. If you don't think we measure, you're out of your mind.
TV Show: The West Wing
Leo: This is five hundred and thirty-five Congressmen and Senators standing up and saying the President lied and should ashamed of himself. And this is us, standing up and saying 'You're right.' This would be the first time in history a President has been censured. Congress isn't talk radio - it's the seat of democracy, their opinion matters, and their condemnation doesn't have to come with handcuffs to be devastating to this President. That is the force and effect. And it's not gonna happen 'cause of me.
TV Show: The West Wing
Bartlet: [to Leo] I was wrong. I was. I was just...I was wrong. Come on, you know that. Lots of times we don't know what right or wrong is but lots of times we do and come on, this is one. I may not have had sinister intent at the outset but there were plenty of opportunities for me to make it right. No one in government takes responsibility for anything anymore. We foster, we obfuscate, we rationalize. "Everybody does it." That's what we say. So we come to occupy a moral safe house where everyone's to blame so no one's guilty. I'm to blame. I was wrong.
TV Show: The West Wing
Sam: I think you should. I think ambition is good. I think overreaching is good. I think giving people a vision of government that's more than Social Security checks and debt reduction is good. I think government should be optimistic.
TV Show: The West Wing
Sam: [reading an excerpt rejected from the State of the Union speech] Over the past half century, we've split the atom, we've spliced the gene and we've roamed Tranquility Base. We've reached for the stars and never have we been closer to having them in our grasp. New science, new technology is making the difference between life and death, and so we need a national commitment equal to this unparalleled moment of possibility. And so I announce to you tonight that I will bring the full resources of the Federal Government and the full reach of my office to this fundamental goal: We will cure cancer by the end of this decade.
TV Show: The West Wing
Carol: Congratulations, boss!
C.J.: Nice job - take the rest of the night off.
Carol: Yeah. It's one in the morning.
C.J.: Well, you've earned it! Sam, Sam, the sunshine man. Get on the couch, I'm gonna do you right here.
Sam: Okay.
C.J.: Sorry, I was still talking to Carol.
Sam: What is wrong with you?
C.J.: We really don't know.
Sam: Hey, I'm just, you know. Anyway, congratulations. And if you're serious about that thing with Carol, I can just sit in the corner and not even say...
C.J.: [laughing] Get out!
C.J.: Nice job - take the rest of the night off.
Carol: Yeah. It's one in the morning.
C.J.: Well, you've earned it! Sam, Sam, the sunshine man. Get on the couch, I'm gonna do you right here.
Sam: Okay.
C.J.: Sorry, I was still talking to Carol.
Sam: What is wrong with you?
C.J.: We really don't know.
Sam: Hey, I'm just, you know. Anyway, congratulations. And if you're serious about that thing with Carol, I can just sit in the corner and not even say...
C.J.: [laughing] Get out!
TV Show: The West Wing
C.J.: It's our biggest press hit of the year, our biggest pre-convention campaign exposure. I don't know how you make a formal report to Congress when Congress just called you a liar.
Josh: I say we strap a polygraph onto the TelePrompTer.
Josh: I say we strap a polygraph onto the TelePrompTer.
TV Show: The West Wing
C.J.: [on the President] He's all right?
Leo: He's about to be censured, and then he's gonna deliver the State of the Union, and then he's gonna run for reelection. My guess is, that there are some things on his mind.
Leo: He's about to be censured, and then he's gonna deliver the State of the Union, and then he's gonna run for reelection. My guess is, that there are some things on his mind.
TV Show: The West Wing
Josh: It's a strange day when I'm involved with national security.
Sam: I was just thinking the same thing.
Sam: I was just thinking the same thing.
TV Show: The West Wing
C.J.: So, the 4-H convention.
Toby: We're not going.
C.J.: I don't get it. How can you not want to see the butter cow?
Toby: I'm that way.
C.J.: You understand it's a life-size cow made entirely of butter.
Toby: We're not going.
C.J.: There's also a butter Elvis and a butter Last Supper which has, I swear to God, Toby...
Toby: Butter on the table?
C.J.: It's got butter on the table right there between butter James and butter Peter, an almost mind-blowing vortex of art and material that dares the viewer to recall Marcel Duchamp.
Toby: How do they keep it from melting?
C.J.: How, indeed.
Nancy: Toby, you have a phone call in the staff cabin.
Toby: Thank you.
C.J.: Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter.
Toby: We're not going.
C.J.: I don't get it. How can you not want to see the butter cow?
Toby: I'm that way.
C.J.: You understand it's a life-size cow made entirely of butter.
Toby: We're not going.
C.J.: There's also a butter Elvis and a butter Last Supper which has, I swear to God, Toby...
Toby: Butter on the table?
C.J.: It's got butter on the table right there between butter James and butter Peter, an almost mind-blowing vortex of art and material that dares the viewer to recall Marcel Duchamp.
Toby: How do they keep it from melting?
C.J.: How, indeed.
Nancy: Toby, you have a phone call in the staff cabin.
Toby: Thank you.
C.J.: Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, butter.
TV Show: The West Wing
C.J.: Duchamp was the father of Dadaism.
Toby: I know.
C.J.: The da-da of Dada.
Toby: It's like there's nothing you can do about that joke. It's coming, and you just have to stand there.
Toby: I know.
C.J.: The da-da of Dada.
Toby: It's like there's nothing you can do about that joke. It's coming, and you just have to stand there.
TV Show: The West Wing
C.J.: I'm the wrong Democrat to talk to about [affirmative action].
Toby: Why?
C.J.: Because... After my father fought in Korea, he became what this government begs every college graduate to become. He became a teacher. And he raised a family on a teacher's salary, and he paid his taxes and always crossed at the green. And any time there was opportunity for career advancement, it took him an extra five years because invariably there was a less qualified black woman in the picture. So instead of retiring as superintendent of the Ohio Valley Union Free School District, he retired head of the math department at William Henry Harrison Junior High.
Toby: Why?
C.J.: Because... After my father fought in Korea, he became what this government begs every college graduate to become. He became a teacher. And he raised a family on a teacher's salary, and he paid his taxes and always crossed at the green. And any time there was opportunity for career advancement, it took him an extra five years because invariably there was a less qualified black woman in the picture. So instead of retiring as superintendent of the Ohio Valley Union Free School District, he retired head of the math department at William Henry Harrison Junior High.
TV Show: The West Wing
Sam: What are we keeping at the bullion depository in Fort Knox?
C.J.: [beat] Soup?
C.J.: [beat] Soup?
TV Show: The West Wing