Titus Quotes

Amy: You trying to ugly the weed outta my hand?

TV Show: Titus
Christopher Titus: For 15 years, I have chosen not to drink. Because I'm not good at it. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it.

TV Show: Titus
Christopher Titus: It should be a law. Everyone should have to own a gun. In fact, if you get caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove their point.
Christopher Titus: Think about it. There'd be no more car jackings.
Tommy Shafter: [Tommy's car is being robbed by a guy with crowbar, the carjacker shouts "Get out of the car!", Tommy shoots the carjacker] Get out of the street!
Christopher Titus: Bag boys would be more courteous.
Ken Titus: [Ken is at the supermarket, the bag boy puts bread in a bag, then drops a six-pack on the bread. Ken shoots the bag boy] It's canned goods first, then bread!
Christopher Titus: And people in general would just be a lot friendlier.
Erin Fitzpatrick: [after a guy cuts to the front of the line, Erin shoots him] No cuts!
Christopher Titus: I want everybody to get behind this law. Because the first couple of years, a lot of us are gonna die!

TV Show: Titus
Ken Titus: [flashback] You're not leaving with my 8 track! [the 8 track player is thrown at Ken]
Ken Titus: Duck, boy!
Ken Titus: [flashback] You're not leaving with my cassette deck! [the cassette deck is thrown at Ken]
Ken Titus: Duck, boy!
Ken Titus: [flashback] You're not leaving with my CD player! [the CD player is thrown at Ken]
Christopher Titus: Yeah! [Titus gets hit with the CD player]
Ken Titus: What? Do I always have to say Duck, boy?

TV Show: Titus
Lucius: [Last lines of the film] Go some of you, bear Saturninus hence, and give him burial in his father's grave. My father and Lavinia shall forthwith be closed in our household's monument. As for that ravenous tiger, Tamora, no funeral rite nor man in mourning weeds, no mournful bell shall ring her burial! But throw her forth to beasts and birds of prey! Her life was beast-like and devoid of pity. And being dead, let birds on her take pity!

TV Show: Titus
[Ken is about to pick up a hitchhiker]
Christopher Titus: C'mon, dad, it's one A.M. in the middle of the desert! She's either a werewolf or an alien!
Ken Titus: Well, maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!

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[Flashback to when Titus was 17]
Christopher: Daddy! My key doesn't work in the door any more! I have laundry!
Ken: [opens door] Laundry? [squirts dish soap over Titus' shirt] Here's some soap. Go find a rock in a river.

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Erin: You slept with her?
Titus: She said, "You want some pie?" I didn't know it was a metaphor!

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Titus: Dave's my brother. I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory.

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Titus: Erin's office. Inflammable. Non-flammable. You gotta be a dictionary to know what burns.

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Titus: Hey, once you've driven a drunk father to mom's parole hearing, what else is there?

TV Show: Titus
Erin: So I'm sitting in a meeting when my pager goes off with a message. It says "Dad's dead." So I race out of the meeting and drive all the way to Santa Maria because, naturally, I think "My dad's dead"!
Titus: Honey, your dad is not dead.
Erin: [with dry sarcasm] Yeah, I know that now. [back to normal] Because if he were, what I walked in on my mother doing to him would be so... sick.

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Titus: All he does is mess with people's minds!
Ken: You're right, I do.
Titus: See, you're doing it right now!
Ken: [slyly] No, I'm not.
Titus: Yes, you are!
Ken: All right, I am.
Titus: Stop it!

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Ken: (flashback) Hey, it was just a bad call. Bad call on your part! I cheated on my last wife with you! What did you think was going to happen? Caveat emptor, baby! Great ass.

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Titus: I'm doing the right thing. I'm integritous.
Tommy: "Integritous"?
Titus: It's a word.

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Dave I'm Integritous. It's my gladiator name.

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Titus: A Glock-9 holds seventeen bullets. Is that what we've come to? I piss you off in traffic you need seventeen bullets to kill me?

TV Show: Titus
[Thinking they are going to die, Titus, Erin, Dave, and Tommy are voicing their regrets in life.]
Erin: I never got to see Ireland.
Titus: Honey, you never got to see San Diego.
Erin: [with dry sarcasm] That helps.

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Titus: My dad is a negative, judgmental pain in the ass who destroyed my self-esteem and tortured me my entire life. My mom's a violent, paranoid schizophrenic. God, I love my dad.

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Ken Titus: I hear Looney Tunes made dinner... I'm surprised. Usually, the turkey is saying such threatening things to her, she can't get close enough to cook it.

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Titus: We think you have a problem. It's about your drinking.
Ken: But I haven't had a drink in a month.
Titus: Dad, we'd like you to start again.

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[Ken, having started drinking again, reveals that Tommy had a dream about Titus in which Titus was naked.]
Tommy: The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of of the dream!
Titus: [disgusted] There was a plot?
Tommy: You were a pirate.
[Titus moans in disgust.]

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Rich: You see a man drowning, you throw him a beer.

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Titus: Dad, is there anything I can do?
Ken: See if you can trade yourself in for a nice Korean kid. (a nearby Asian nurse glares at him)
Titus: (pointing at the nurse) Uh, dad--
Ken: I'll name him Ho-John Titus.
Titus: Dad--
Ken: Ho-John wouldn't steal my distributor cap, and I could probably get him for a pack of cigarettes.
Titus: (pointing at the nurse) Why don't you see if she can help you?
Ken: (turning to the nurse) You know where I can get a Korean kid?

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[As a practical joke, Titus has convinced hospital staffers to shave Ken's testicles.]
Ken: I look like a nine year-old boy.

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Officer Charlie Regan: You have a custom car shop? I want my Viper flamed.
Dave: And I want my pot back.
Titus: Dave, we're bribing him.
Dave: But he already has my pot!

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[Ken Titus is recovering from a heart attack.]
Ken: Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!
Titus: He was laughing 'cause you were trying to get into heaven!

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Nurse Kathy: Are you talking? Because I'm fine with you dying. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week.
Titus: Whoa, whoa, whoa — attempted murderer. And I would have pled it down to manslaughter. You don't even know the law, lady!

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Dave: Here's your sperm, and the wheelbarrow's in the tree.

TV Show: Titus
Titus: Dave, wake up. We've got to get our blood tested.
Dave: Is there something wrong with my sperm?
[Titus glares at Dave.]
Titus: I'm sure of it.

TV Show: Titus